My husband took his own life after I left him for first love – the guilt is unbearable
My childhood sweetheart has tried to be supportive but lately things between us have been strained
DEAR DEIDRE My husband took his own life after I left him for first love – the guilt is unbearable
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DEAR DEIDRE: I LEFT my husband for my childhood sweetheart – but now I'm living with a guilt that's tearing my new relationship apart.
I'm 47, my husband was 52 and we were together for more than 20 years. We once had an amazing relationship but over time we grew apart and, while I cared for him deeply, the love faded.
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Around that time, I reconnected with my first boyfriend via Facebook.
I've known him since primary school and it started as a friendly exchange — then old feelings resurfaced.
We began seeing each other in secret but, eventually, I told my husband the truth and left him.
He was devastated but I truly thought it would be the best thing for us both in the long run.
A few months later, he took his own life. It shocked me to my core and the guilt has been unbearable.
I blame myself every single day, and it's weighing me down.
My childhood sweetheart has tried to be supportive but lately things between us have been strained.
I cry often, snap at him and find it hard to be emotionally present in our relationship. As a result, he's started to distance himself from me.
I feel torn between guilt, shame and deep sadness. I'm not sure I deserve happiness after what has happened.
I want to fix my new relationship but I don't know how to move forward or even live with myself.
Relationships, jealousy and envy
DEIDRE SAYS: Losing your husband in such a tragic way is a deeply traumatic experience but it's important to remember it isn't your fault.
Allow yourself to grieve for your husband and the relationship you had with him, as you move forward.
Guilt forms a substantial part of grief no matter what the circumstances of the death, but particularly when suicide is involved.
However, it doesn't make you responsible for what happened to your husband.
You're Not Alone
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide
It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You're Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You're Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support: CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
Heads Together,www.headstogether.org.uk
HUMEN www.wearehumen.org
Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393
Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
Samaritans,www.samaritans.org, 116 123
Your partner may not fully understand the complexity of your emotions but it's essential to be open with him.
Communicate the emotional turmoil you're facing and let him know that while you are struggling, you want to work through it together.
It might be helpful to seek counselling to help you process the grief. Cruse Bereavement Care (0808 808 1677, cruse.org.uk) provides specialised counselling.
My support pack, Coping With Bereavement, will also help.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
THERE IS NO TRUST AS HE LIES ABOUT EVERYTHING
DEAR DEIDRE: I'M at my wits' end with my lying boyfriend. I don't know what to do any more.
I'm 34, he's 36 and we've been together for two years. He's recently been diagnosed with ADHD and while I try to be understanding, he's constantly telling fibs about everything. It's starting to feel like I'm being taken for a fool.
He claims he can't afford to pay bills, even though he earns a decent salary. He tells me he's going to sleep but I catch him hours later still scrolling through his phone.
He's also told me he's 'too busy' to do simple chores or help around the house, yet I find him wasting time playing video games.
He's even lied about meeting friends, telling me he was going to one place only for me to later find out he was somewhere else.
I love him but the constant dishonesty is making me question everything.
DEIDRE SAYS: Living with ADHD can make timekeeping, organisation and even honesty difficult, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate constant lies. ADHD isn't an excuse for disrespect.
Choose a calm and quiet moment to talk and set clear boundaries and let him know how his behaviour is affecting your trust.
Focus on how you feel rather than what he's done wrong.
Encourage him to seek support managing his ADHD. My support pack Neurodiversity Questions will help you.
HOW CAN I HELP HIM OUT OF SQUALOR?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY grandson and his family live in squalor. It breaks my heart knowing I can't do anything to help.
I'm his 75-year-old grandfather. He's 27 and has been living with his girlfriend and their three children – all under six – in awful conditions for months.
Their flat is cold, damp and overcrowded. They're barely getting by. He's trying to find better work but is stuck in low-paid jobs, and they're falling further behind on bills every month.
I'm a pensioner and don't have the money to help them out. It's heartbreaking to see the kids living like this, with no space to play and no stability.
My grandson seems defeated and I'm scared he's giving up hope.
I don't know what to do or where to turn but I can't just stand by and watch them live like this. Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS: It's heartbreaking to see loved ones struggle, especially when you feel powerless.
Your concern shows how deeply you care and while you may not be able to offer financial support, your emotional presence and support are just as valuable.
Encourage your grandson to seek help at shelter.org.uk (0808 800 4444) or turn2us.org.uk (0808 802 2000) who can offer advice on housing, finances and accessing emergency support.
My support packs Solving Debt Problems and Help For Job Seekers, will provide useful resources and practical advice.
I FEEL USED AND UNAPPRECIATED
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE been with my partner five years, but I feel more like a bank account than a boyfriend.
The emotional connection we once had has completely disappeared, and I'm starting to feel like she only keeps me around to pay the bills.
I'm 39, she's 36, and we have a three-year-old son together. She also has a daughter from a previous relationship, who I've always treated like my own.
These days it's hard not to feel taken for granted. I pay for nearly everything – rent, bills, food – and get nothing in return emotionally or physically.
Our sex life was never amazing, but at least before we were intimate occasionally. Since our son was born, she's refused to touch me at all.
I've tried to talk to her about it, but she shuts me down or says she's too tired.
I'm beginning to wonder if she's just with me for security. I love her but I feel unwanted and used.
I'm becoming resentful, and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I miss affection, connection and just feeling close to her.
Is there any way to fix this or have I just become a pay cheque in her eyes?
DEIDRE SAYS: It's understandable that you're feeling used and unappreciated, especially when you're carrying the financial load and not receiving emotional or physical connection.
Relationships require balance, and it's clear that you're not getting the support you need. You've already expressed your feelings, but if your partner continues to shut you down, you need to have a more serious conversation about your needs.
Tell her calmly and clearly how you're feeling, avoid blaming her and instead focus on how the situation is affecting you and your relationship.
My support pack Relationship MOT will help guide you on how to move forward together.
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