I'm as likely to renew my vows as try the new hot husbanding trend
Sorry did I say some thought? I meant no thought. None whatsoever. I would be as likely to renew my vows as I would to practise 'hot husbanding'. No clue? This is another tiresome trend apparently growing in popularity (sceptical face). It is when a wife finds their husband so 'hot' that it arouses her to watch him having no-strings sex with a woman of her choosing but at no point getting involved. Well. If I had to sit on a hardback chair watching my husband's buttocks bobbing away atop a stranger it'd put me off coitus for life. It's why I've never gone for a mirrored ceiling.
'Shall we renew our wedding vows?' I just asked him, as a cunning test. 'Why — who have you been shagging?' he replied. Which is the correct answer and exactly what I would have said if he'd asked me.
Some couples may delusionally think it 'romantic' to drag their poor guests back to some beach or altar to watch them indulge themselves all over again, the modern equivalent of the interminable holiday pics slideshow, but be warned. Most guests are probably thinking: 'Oh, so he's been sweeping another chimney then.' Or, of course, she may have been having her chimney swept by another. No bias here.
Let's be clear: I know that not all those who renew their vows are plastering over the cracks because one of them has been 'clapping cheeks' with someone else. I know some do it for personal reasons (although a fair few do it for purely attention-seeking ones). I'm simply saying that, realistically, this is what a lot of people will assume. Or at the very least they'll think you have had the sort of apocalyptic row that has you screaming hurtful things about the way they eat, or breathe, or how their 'sex face' knocks the other sick. It's a flapping red flag. As someone on Mumsnet said recently, 'I always think — so which one of them cheated?'
So I fail to see why David and Victoria Beckham are said to be facing 'fresh heartbreak', as has been claimed this week because some extra detail or other (yes, it's still in the 'news') has leaked out from their son Brooklyn's very tedious vow renewal ceremony to which they weren't invited (allegedly). Think yourselves lucky! They only got married three years ago. You'd have had to buy another outfit and some new court shoes and go through it all again. How boring.
But if it's true that they are worried about a rift with their son and that he now prefers the (billionaire) in-laws, maybe they could take the view that this is a sign that all is not well in paradise. As the comedian Katherine Ryan said this week about the vow renewal bandwagon, 'Sometimes people use milestones to compensate for dysfunction. Sometimes people aren't getting along and they think, 'Let's get engaged,' and they're fighting a lot and think, 'We need to get married,' and they hate each other and so have a baby.' She added of Brooklyn Beckham: 'Isn't he, like, 12?' Well, he's 26, but I take your point, Katherine.
I mean, why not just throw a party while wearing a nice frock? Perhaps on your anniversary, like normal people do. Apparently Brooklyn said of his renewal ceremony with Nicola Peltz, a full-on butterfly-themed second wedding, 'To be honest, I could renew my vows every single day with her.'
Every single day? Oh dear God — imagine being on that guest list. I think I'd prefer hot husbanding. Or maybe I'd be kind to myself and just glue my eyelids to the nearest wheelie bin.
We Brits have the best jokes
Ambassadors have shared a joke that sums up their country with the language website Babbel. It proves that humour is definitely local and foreign gags are no laughing matter. Take Sweden: 'Why did the tired pig go to London?' Answer: to become energetic. Oh dear. The 'joke' here is that the Swedish word 'pigg', meaning energetic, sounds like the English word 'pig'. Cue tumbleweed!
But then what joke would fairly represent Britain? 'A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double-entrendre, so he gives her one'? Not bad, and very British. I like our self-deprecating gags. 'How can you tell you're ugly?' 'Dogs close their eyes when they hump your leg'. Or 'I bought some condoms today. The cashier asked if I needed a bag. I said: 'No, I'll just turn the lights off.''
Annoyingly I already recounted one of my favourite jokes here two weeks ago (A wife asks her husband 'Am I the only one you've ever slept with?' 'Yes,' he replies. 'All the others were nines and tens.')
When I was young I thought this was hilarious: 'What did the elephant say to the naked man?' Answer: 'How do you breathe through that tiny thing?' OK, yes, I was puerile even then, but come on. It works. Or what about the daft ones? 'I bought the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.' Or the rude ones? Doctor: 'Sir, I'm afraid you will have to stop masturbating.' 'But why, Doc?' Doctor: 'Because I'm trying to examine you.'
British is the best if you ask me, and I do have fondness for the hardy perennials. Husband to wife: 'I fancy the pub. Get your coat on.' 'Ooh, which one?' she says, excitedly. 'No, you're not coming,' he replies. 'I'm turning the central heating off.'
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