This is how we do it: ‘We broke up and started having the most amazing sex'
About four years into our relationship, Hester and I got to a point where we weren't being open with each other. She had reservations about the relationship and our future together, and I could sense her uncertainty, which had a knock-on effect on me. She was distant and I felt insecure. We would lie in bed, not having sex, and I'd roll over feeling unwanted.
We decided to break up, but this decision actually freed us. While we were apart, we'd have sex when we met up about once a month, but we also slept with other people. Hester saw me having sexual autonomy as attractive. I found my mojo and brought that back into our relationship. I wasn't jealous because I knew I had the power, so Hester sleeping with others didn't feel threatening. I felt secure in her desire in a way that I hadn't previously.
Two years ago, we got back together. We don't live together, and our sex life is quite erratic. Before, I saw sex as a barometer of how good our relationship was, but Hester wanting to be with me after time apart means I feel more secure.
I learned from my parents to offer comfort with physical affection – a pat on the back, rather than discussing emotions. But Hester has taught me to be still and just listen. I try to spend more time in difficult, uncomfortable places. I now feel closest to Hester after an argument.
We both expressed uncertainty about whether getting back together was the right thing, about whether we'll stay together for ever, which was freeing and took the pressure off. When I wasn't articulating those thoughts, I felt trapped. I was worried I might lose some of the power and feel unwanted again, but I'm now able to communicate those doubts.
I was a late bloomer; I didn't have much sex as a teenager, and part of me feels as if I haven't got it out of my system. We talk about opening up our relationship, which is a turn-on and often leads to us having sex. The more we talk about it, the stronger and more secure our relationship feels.
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Fred sleeping with other people sparked something in me. It made me desire him more
A few months into our break, Fred told me he was seeing someone else, which I found hot until he said he was into her. I felt possessive, like Fred was mine, and sobbed into his lap in a restaurant while the table next to us celebrated a birthday. He said we had to stop having sex when we saw each other, but we still went home together that night. There was a primitive sense of triumph, and the sex was amazing, probably because there was a feeling that we shouldn't be doing it.
Fred sleeping with other people sparked something in me. Him having sexual agency and being desired made me desire him more. Jealousy drives me, and I don't necessarily like that about myself. I feel as if I'm fulfilling negative stereotypes of the jealous woman. The risk is exciting, but I feel secure knowing he'd choose me.
The break was great for us because it gave us both the space to be on our own and start again. We're more honest with each other now and have frank discussions, like about opening up our relationship. Before the break, instead of talking about his feelings, Fred just tried to have sex. But I have fluctuating hormones, and sometimes I'm just not in the mood; it has nothing to do with how close I feel to Fred.
Now Fred's in a really good place. I'm enjoying watching him flourish and am proud of his bravery for quitting a comfortable job to pursue something more risky. His willingness to embark on something different makes me feel more attracted to him.
I'm at the age where friends are settling down, getting married and having children. It can feel prescribed and pressurising, especially when Fred and I don't even live together yet. I can overthink things, but talking openly about our fears has brought us closer. Whatever happens, we want to set our own parameters.
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