So what's the difference between Lego and a bottle of wine?
It depends on the status of both the ape and the men, of course.
If the men include the sort of chaps who spend all their spare time on social media, discussing gorillas fighting humans, we're guessing they wouldn't be much cop in the three-dimensional real world, away from their mobile phone screens.
Meanwhile, a gorilla spends very little of his free time on social media, which gives him an immediate advantage in a scrap.
Now, imagine if the big fuzzy simian also has an advanced degree in mechanical engineering.
A long shot, true, but you never know…
Just before the mighty ape is attacked by the 100 blokes, he uses his university training to rapidly cobble together a rudimentary aeroplane, which he proceeds to hop into, before escaping his violent human persecutors.
This way nobody gets hurt, which surely is the best result for both the gorilla and the human rabble.
For as far as the Diary is concerned, violence should always be eschewed in favour of a more harmless pursuit, such as reading the following classic tales from our archives…
Bolshie bouncer
An elderly office boss admitted to us that he was persuaded by his young employees to accompany them to a trendy nightspot, where the doorman stopped him and said: 'Sorry bud. You've had too many.'
'What, drinks?' asked the boss.
'No, birthdays,' said the steward.
Spellcheck
Posh supermarket Waitrose was bombarded with messages claiming it was pretentious, after asking folk on social media to explain why they shopped there.
The remarks reminded an Edinburgh reader of the boy in the private school uniform overheard asking his dad in Waitrose: 'Does Lego have a 't' at the end, like Merlot?'
Food for thought
A reader in a city centre sandwich shop was behind a young girl who had a stack of about a dozen sandwiches which she was buying – presumably sent out on behalf of her colleagues at work.
As the large pile of cardboard boxes cascaded on to the counter, the bored assistant automatically asked: 'Sitting in or taking away?'
The young girl snapped back: 'How fat do you think I am?'
ET or not ET
The late TV astronomer Sir Patrick Moore was once asked if he'd ever spotted a UFO.
'Yes,' he admitted. 'In my observatory one day. I saw a huge fleet of perfect flying saucers.'
He added: 'The Martians have arrived, I thought. Then I discovered what it really was… pollen.'
Hot, not bothered
Shopping at his local greengrocer's, a reader heard another customer complain to the owner that the iceberg lettuces seemed small.
'The icebergs?' replied the owner with a fatalistic shrug. 'It's global warming.'
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
BBC News
an hour ago
- BBC News
Legoland entrance plan in Windsor given go-ahead by council
Legoland's entrance in Windsor will be replaced after a plan was given the green theme park applied to replace the "dated" area, which it said "will complement the existing attractions within the resort".Other changes to the entrance area were given permission by the Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead in show Lego figures will feature in the new structure in towers that will look like they have been created from giant Lego bricks. There are 11 Legoland parks around the world, including Billund in Denmark, near the original Lego factory, Germany and Italy. You can follow BBC Berkshire on Facebook, X, or Instagram.
Daily Mirror
15 hours ago
- Daily Mirror
Peter Kay announces very different project away from stage after bullying claims
Comedian Peter Kay has announced a very different new project after being hit with bullying claims on his UK tour when he decided to boot hecklers out of his show Peter Kay is ready to take on a new challenge as he has revealed his new project away from his mammoth tour. The comedian, 51, recently returned to the spotlight and has been performing his act in arenas up and down the country. Earlier this year, Peter hit the headlines for all the wrong reasons as he was filmed kicking a heckler out of his show. He halted his performance and had security remove a number of fans after claiming they were spoiling the show for the rest of the attendees. However, after he labelled one ejected fan " Lisa Riley" and the remark caused a scandal, with the heckler claiming Peter was a "bully". Now, it seems Peter is ready to turn the page on the drama as he sets his sights on a very different career. Peter has revealed he has put pen to paper and promises to detail his life in his most personal book yet. In true Peter style, the book hilariously nods to Bridget Jones' Diary, as the comedian's face sits on top of the iconic character. Announcing the news, he said: "Introducing… Peter Kay's Diary: The Monthly Memoir of a Boy from Bolton, Peter's most personal and hilarious book yet. Join Peter for a laugh-out-loud journey through his life, month by month." A teaser for the book added: "Think of this autobiography as a twelve-month subscription to my memories and meanderings across the calendar year. With each month reflecting a different phase of my life, complete with dodgy decisions, bizarre plot twists and more than a few laugh-out-loud moments." Back in February, Peter dealt with hecklers at his Better Late Than Never... Again! gig at Manchester's AO Arena - but things didn't quite go as he'd planned. While he said it wasn't an insult, and Lisa herself acknowledged there was no ill-meaning, the woman in question fumed that the star had humiliated her. "Go on, off you go, Lisa Riley," Peter had jibed, making a comparison to the former Emmerdale actress. Shortly after his remark on his decision to eject the fan in Manchester, Peter opened up on the incident on Good Morning Britain. "I didn't realise it was an insult," he said. "She did look remarkably like Lisa Riley, I didn't realise that was an insult." But despite his insistence there was no dig meant, the woman in question revealed she was mortified. Myar Curran accused the star of being a "bully". Speaking herself on the ITV show, Myar said: "I didn't mean to cause any harm, I was just showing my love as he kicked someone out, but he obviously didn't like it." She added: "I feel like what I said was not abusive or aggressive - it wasn't anti-social and I wasn't drunk. I was just standing u,p chanting 'we love you Peter, we do'. It's just been a bit over the top, his reaction." A month later, Peter threatened to kick even more audience members out of his show at London's O2 Arena. Brushing off the previous backlash, he poked fun at the criticism he faced as he once again halted his show to make an example of one of his fans. Addressing the crowds, he asked: "Is it them in that box? Is that them? Who is it? Eh, it's you monkeys there. Now then, what are we going to do with you now? These people in this area now, do any of you look like Lisa Riley? No, alright," he joked as the crowd erupted into laughter. Speaking exclusively to The Mirror, an audience member said: "Peter waded in as the crowd was audibly kicking off due to some disagreement in the crowd. He poked fun at the idea of kicking them out, then dished out the issue to his security. "But he did reference it again twice in the show as they kept shouting, comparing it to a 'boot sale' at one point. It seemed like the audience in the area wanted him to kick the person out due to all the drama."
The Herald Scotland
a day ago
- The Herald Scotland
Wild animals shouldn't be kept as pets. It's like a prison sentence...
And we don't just mean the teensy-weensy pooches that Hollywood starlets plop in their Gucci shoulder bags, before schlepping them on to the red carpet for a photo opportunity. No, apparently some Americans also own pet zebras, which are very difficult to squeeze into a shoulder bag, Gucci or otherwise. They also don't particularly enjoy being pets, which probably explains why a zebra named Ed did a runner in Tennessee. The stripey escape artist seemed to be enjoying his freedom. Unfortunately those pesky humans managed to nab him, and he was airlifted in a giant net back to his owner. Reader Bruce Martin was telling his wife, Sally, about the great escape and the even greater capture. 'That's horrible,' winced Sally. 'Wild animals shouldn't be kept as pets. It's like a prison sentence for the poor things.' 'It's not so bad for a zebra,' reasoned Bruce. 'They're already behind bars.' Mind your language The audacious Diary is daring to venture where few adults (who aren't in possession of a teacher's certificate) have the boldness to tread. That's right, folks. We're tip-toeing through the school gates of Scotland's schools to discover what the young scholars have been up to. An English teacher in one of Glasgow's finer educational establishments tells us that a curious student wanted to know: 'Where do they speak jargon?' Read more: When a Glasgow teacher gives a young scholar dietary advice... Money matters These are fiscally ferocious times. Inflation isn't just through the roof, it's now blasting into the stratosphere and will soon be colliding with one of Elon Musk's rockets. Thankfully reader Brenda Collins knows how to scrimp and save. 'I'm great at budgeting,' she boasts. 'Unless there's a dress I want, or a great new wine bar opened in town, or I'm desperate to buy my 100th pair of high heels…' Work or shirk? Overheard by reader Mark Talbot on a Newton Mearns bus. One teenage girl said to her pal: 'My mum wants me to study really hard and go to uni. But why should I? Being intelligent is so uncool.' Bad habit When a pal of Trish Cummings slipped a packet of cigarettes from her bag, Trish said: 'You told me you'd stopped smoking for good.' 'I did,' nodded the pal. 'Now I smoke for evil.' Fine without spine Politically engaged reader Craig Ellis points out: 'The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains or a spine gives hope to the entire political class in Holyrood.'
