The one change that worked: I felt self-conscious – until I started complimenting strangers

The Guardian

6 days ago

I'm an ambivert. No, it's not some made-up personality type. I enjoy spending time with others and socialising, but I need time alone to recharge. Starting conversations and keeping them flowing smoothly have never come naturally to me. I overthink everything: 'Am I speaking too much? I haven't said anything in the past five minutes. Quick, say something. Oh no, I've missed my opening. Wait, why did I say that? That was weird.'
These are the thoughts that are constantly swirling in my head mid-conversation, and then I'll go home, replay it all again and cringe at that one thing I said. I have always been deeply envious of people who can charm and easily work a room. So, in the past year, I've set myself a challenge: to compliment a stranger at least once a day – and it has to be genuine.
If I see someone wearing something great, I'll say it's cute and ask where it's from. If they're sporting beautiful lipstick or have great hair, I'll compliment them and ask for details. Whether it's a cashier, a barista or someone walking past me, I try to say it out loud instead of just thinking it. The other day, in the queue at Golden Gate Bakery in London's Chinatown, I told an older Asian woman her perm looked incredible. All bounce, no frizz. We ended up bonding over which bakeries still make proper old-school Chinese pineapple buns.
Complimenting someone is a great icebreaker or conversation starter when you don't know what else to say. And, if I can make someone's day that bit brighter, that makes me happy. Seeing someone smile because of something I said always lifts my mood. When I started doing it, I was worried it might come off as a bit odd, but it's got easier. It's made me feel more confident, more present and more at ease talking to people. And, the truth is, I'm just nosy and curious.
Some of the most memorable compliments I've ever received have come from strangers. Even three years after my debut book, Takeaway, came out, I still receive messages from people around the world who tell me my writing moved them or helped them face their own trauma. I've even made a 'Good Things' folder on my laptop, filled with screenshots of these messages. There's something powerful about a kind comment from someone who went out of their way to interact with you, even though they didn't have to say anything at all. We could all use a bit more kindness in the world.
This challenge has been as much about pushing myself out of my comfort zone as spreading joy. I wasn't used to putting myself out there like that and letting go of my self-consciousness. But, the more I leaned into it, the more I realised how much I'd been holding myself back. It has reminded me, too, that the deepest impact can come from the smallest acts of care. That quiet moment of connection, no matter how brief, can be enough to boost your day.
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