I love my brother. During law school, his personality changed. One night, at dinner, I totally snapped. It's been 18 months and I haven't even met his new baby. Will he ever forgive me? Ask Lisi
My brother and I were raised by loving parents in a close-knit home. We've always been close. He's ambitious and has always sought to further his career. He was also a great friend and a great support to me when I got separated, with two small children caught in the middle.
In the last few years, he put himself through law school while working full-time. This was a stressful time for him, and I noticed his personality change. I had a boyfriend at the time whom he disliked, and this drove a wedge between us.
Dinners at my parents' felt tense because it seemed he was primarily interested in putting me down, rather than our usual lighthearted chats. Some friends blamed it on law school.
I reached out to him to chat about our 'rocky relationship,' and he responded: 'Who's rocky?' A few weeks later, at my father's birthday dinner, my brother made a condescending remark, and I snapped. I unleashed years of frustration in a perfect execution of a character assassination. The only people present were my parents and the two of us. I regret it all and wish I'd let that comment slide. Unfortunately, I had an adult-sized tantrum.
The next day I began my campaign of apologies. It started with a few text messages, and a phone call that weekend. He didn't respond. A month later, I reached out to his wife (she wasn't present at that dinner, and was newly pregnant) to help bridge the gap. She didn't respond. Months later, they didn't attend Christmas with our extended family, and then everyone became aware.
My parents were very upset with me at first. I continued to try and reach out to him every few weeks.
By the following spring, his wife gave birth to their first child. My father insisted that my children and I accompany them to meet the baby. My brother didn't let us up to visit. From that point on, our parents felt that enough time had gone by for him to get past what had happened and to move forward. The blame shifted to him, from their POV.
My brother graduated from law school and began to work with my father. Every few months, I reach out to him, to no avail. My parents brought my children to meet their cousin once, when she was a few weeks old. His wife and I don't speak. I suspect she's loyal to him and uninterested in being friendly with me.
It's been nearly 18 months since that night, and I've apologized multiple times. My therapist tells me to stop, that I've done enough, and I need to accept his estrangement.
I can't accept that. Life is short. Some family members have tried to intervene, but they're all met with the same response: 'I'm not ready yet.'
Since my brother ghosted me, he's also ghosted my children. They used to have a loving, present uncle, and they've not received a single phone call from him since the estrangement. He no longer attends family functions.
His daughter will be a year old soon. I've no reason to believe we'll reconcile anytime soon.
But if he loved me as I believed he did — and my children, by extension — why would he let a barrage of hurtful comments kill a lifelong relationship, with no opportunity for resolution?
Estranged and Bewildered
A
Your brother is very, very hurt by whatever it is that you said that night, 18 months ago. I agree with your parents that the statute of limitations is being abused, but he's not letting go.
I agree with your therapist. You've done all you can. You need to back down. However, I do think it's OK for your parents to intervene on behalf of your children. They deserve their uncle and his family.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but that's what it is.
FEEDBACK
Regarding Peeping Pepper (May 3):
Reader:
'The one BIG question I have is, are there any children in the 'viewer's house? Also, how much do they know about each other and are they able to have a casual chat?
'If there are children, I would have a serious discussion with the neighbours regarding their escapades being viewed. But be prepared for pushback to close their own blinds. Maybe also speak with local law enforcement, as I don't know if their activity can be deemed illegal or lewd behaviour, since they are in their own house.
'If there are no children, maybe just a casual 'cheeky' comment to let them know their 'escapades' are being viewed. Plus, someone else very likely is also viewing and their exploits could easily end up on an internet porn site. If so, how would this couple feel knowing that their sexual activity could be viewed by ANYONE?'
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