Will your relationship make it past the 2, 4 and 7-year itch? The 9 signs it won't – and how to boost your chances

The Sun

5 days ago

A RELATIONSHIP is rarely smooth sailing.
Whether it's rows over who takes the bins out, differing sex schedules or cheating suspicions, most couples will endure some struggles. And these often come at specific milestones.
Sophie Personne, a relationship expert and author of Your Other Half, tells Sun Health: 'There are numerous dodgy spots in any relationship's lifespan.
'For established relationships, as opposed to newly formed ones, the most dangerous points are at the two-year, four-year and seven-year marks.'
But how can you make it through one of these rocky patches, and when might it be time to call it quits?
Here are nine hidden clues to look out for…
THE TWO-YEAR ITCH
AS the initial ' honeymoon phase ' ends, real life kicks in.
'During the honeymoon phase, both people weren't really themselves - they were trying to present their best side and it can't be sustained,' says Sophie.
'The 'real you' will come out and might be completely different to what the other person thought you were because they were looking for what they wanted to see and a person they wanted to be with.
'One of the things that is said the most at this point is, 'They've changed'. But the truth is, they haven't really.'
Heather Garbutt, love and relationship coach, adds: 'As your relationship shifts towards a more stable, 'companionate' love, it can feel less thrilling.
'You might question how compatible you really are.'
Pressures, such as work, kids, family and general routine, can create a different dynamic and complacency may set in.
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Three problems you might face during the two-year itch
1. You don't communicate as much
Arguments and a feeling of distance can become an issue if you don't open up to each other.
'Prioritise open and honest communication,' says Heather.
'Express your needs clearly, and use 'I' statements to reduce defensiveness.'
Sophie also recommends active listening.
'It's not all about you,' she says. 'Let them make their point too - they have as much of a right to have a say and an opinion.'
2. You have different life goals
Whether it's your career, family planning or simply lifestyle preferences, having goals that are totally misaligned can cause a rut in your relationship.
'Have candid discussions about your goals and assess whether compromises are possible,' says Heather.
'Be open to finding common ground while respecting each other's individual aspirations.'
3. You're not as intimate
Sparks are flying during the honeymoon period, but it's natural for this to change a little over time.
'Rekindle intimacy by spending quality time together, sharing your feelings, and showing appreciation for each other,' says Heather.
'Small gestures of affection and acts of kindness can go a long way.
'If you know that your partner likes to get into a bed that's been made, make the bed in the morning as you leave for work.
'If you know that putting out the rubbish is something they don't enjoy, you can keep an eye on the bin and empty it when it's full.
'If your partner loves quality time, create time in your life to spend just with them.
'If they like physical affection, try a cuddle in the kitchen, a slower kiss goodbye in the mornings and hello in the evenings.'
When to call it a day
THE relationship may not be sustainable long-term if one of you consistently refuses to engage or if your goals are fundamentally incompatible - for example, one of you wants kids and the other doesn't, Heather says.
It might also be time to move on if one of you regularly prioritises other aspects of life over the relationship.
Why your partner might be avoiding sex
IT can feel like you're being repeatedly kicked down when your partner turns down your sexual advances.
Rejection stings every time, leaving you with a cocktail of emotions - feeling unwanted, unattractive, even anxious.
It's not the only element that makes up a romantic relationship but sex is still important - for some more than others.
Dr Janine David, a specialist in men's and women's health and advisor to Eroxon, says: 'Sex is one of our most basic needs and has a strong influence on our well-being. But some of us spend a proportion of our adult lives avoiding sex.
'This sexual avoidance can result in poor self-esteem, shame and distress both for the person avoiding sex and their partner.'
When one person in the relationship seems to lose interest in romping, it's easy to question, 'Have I done something wrong? Do they still fancy me? Are they cheating?'.
But while it can feel like a personal jab, a lot of the time, it has nothing to do with you.
Experts reveal what your partner might be going through behind closed doors - and why sex is the last thing on their mind…
Health woes - cardiovascular disease, diabetes, thrush, chronic pain, anxiety, depression
Her hormones - pregnancy, ovulation, menopause, perimenopause
Too tired - from work, family life, exercise
Erectile dysfunction - can be worsened by stress, smoking, alcohol, age
Stress - from bills, work, kids
Boredom - from doing the same old moves time and again
Bickering - can cause resentment and emotional disconnection
Low self-esteem - about their body, being judged, unlovable, performance anxiety
THE FOUR-YEAR ITCH
AT the four-year mark, you and your partner may both be deciding on longer term mutual goals and plans.
But as Heather points out: 'Partners may begin to take each other for granted, prioritising work, family or personal goals over nurturing the relationship.
'It might seem like you're drifting apart as you each have different priorities.'
Three problems you might face during the four-year itch
1. You don't feel excited anymore
DOES your relationship feel monotonous or boring?
Heather suggests trying new activities, going on adventures, or exploring shared interests.
Perhaps you both enjoy cooking or dancing - why not find local classes that you can do together?
'Prioritise date nights and surprises to break the routine and reignite the spark,' she adds.
Remember, there's a difference between being comfortable in your relationship and being bored and needing drama.
'Drama in a relationship usually means it's a re-enactment of some emotional trauma,' Heather says.
'You don't want your excitement to be at the expense of your peace of mind and emotional health.'
2. You feel distant
Feel like you're living separate lives? It's time to make an intentional effort to reconnect emotionally.
Spend quality time together and have deep and meaningful conversations.
Sophie explains that communication is likely to break down at this stage.
'For example, stopping to share the 'minor details' of what happens in our lives,' she says.
'These details will, in time, become the big things.'
Can you devote 30 minutes before bed to tell each other about your days?
Or can you make a pact to regularly have dinner together, just the two of you?
3. You don't feel supported
As a result of the poor communication, Sophie says one of you may no longer feel heard, wanted, understood or valued.
'Encourage each other's personal growth by celebrating achievements and offering support for individual goals,' says Heather, who adds that it's important to create a balance between togetherness and independence.
When to call it a day
IF neither of you are bothered about investing in the relationship or one of you gets in the way of the other's growth or doesn't support goals, Heather says it may indicate a lack of long-term compatibility and sustainability.
THE SEVEN-YEAR ITCH
AFTER seven years, Heather says that the initial passion and novelty have often faded.
'Life's responsibilities, such as career, parenting, or financial concerns, can intensify during this period, leaving little time or energy for nurturing the relationship,' she adds.
Goals, values or priorities may have shifted and one or both of you may question whether the relationship still fulfils your needs.
Three problems you might face during the seven-year itch
1. You've grown apart
It's not uncommon to grow and change over seven years.
But what if you feel as though you have little in common or are no longer on the same page emotionally or intellectually?
'Reignite your connection by exploring shared interests and engaging in activities that strengthen your bond,' says Heather.
'Regularly check in with each other about personal growth and evolving goals.'
2. You keep arguing about the same thing
Issues that remain unresolved can ruin trust and intimacy, creating resentment or emotional exhaustion, so it's vital to address the root cause.
Sophie says: 'Most people will think, 'There's no point saying this, he/she will respond in this way or say this or that, I'll deal with it myself'.
'That's the beginning of the end because you will start the grieving cycle of the relationship and when you decide to leave months or years down the line, the other person will not have seen it coming.'
Make time away from your busy schedule to give this the time it deserves.
Open the conversation by saying that you want both of you to take stock of your relationship together.
4
'Start with all of the things you are grateful for about your life together and what you appreciate about each other,' says Heather.
She adds that this is a fact-finding mission as well as a chance to connect.
'Listen to each other with curiosity,' she says. 'Try not to be reactive or defensive. Just listen.
'Give yourselves time to reflect and meet again in a week or so.
'Next time you come back together, do the same again and this time negotiate.'
3. Your sex life has disappeared
Couples in the UK have sex an average of three times a month, according to a 2019 study published in the British Medical Journal.
But there is no right or wrong when it comes to how often you should be doing it.
Consider more whether you feel connected or fulfilled.
'Sex is a very important way of connecting,' says Heather.
'Men often feel more loving and loved when they've been sexually intimate with their partner, so they're much more likely to be caring, protecting and providing if this happens regularly and reliably for them.'
However, on the flip side, she says that women need to feel connected on an emotional level and cared for in order to feel open sexually.
Finding out each other's love languages can help you learn how your partner feels loved.
Some people like to be appreciated and praised with words. Others like to have acts of service done for them.
Some like gifts, some quality time and some physical affection.
'If you know what each other's languages are you can offer more of those and then connection is more likely to be reestablished,' says Heather.
When to call it a day
'IF repeated efforts to reconnect fail, or if one or both of you feel indifferent toward the other's growth, it may signal that the relationship has run its course,' says Heather.
'If conflicts escalate to disrespect, hostility, or emotional abuse, or if one partner refuses to work on resolving issues, it may be time to consider drawing a line.
'And if one of you consistently avoids intimacy or if efforts to rebuild closeness are ignored or rejected, it might indicate a deeper incompatibility or unwillingness to continue the relationship.'
Warning signs your partner is cheating on you
NATURALLY one of the first worries that will go through your mind when your partner is withdrawn from sex is, are they cheating on me?
Hope says that there are nine other potential signs to look out for alongside the lack of sex:
Changes in behaviour: Your partner starts acting differently, such as being more secretive or distant.
Being super private: Are they suddenly being protective of their phone or their social media accounts? That could be suspicious.
Becoming less connected: If you're not as physically or emotionally close as before, this could show something might be up.
Unsure of their whereabouts: Do they keep disappearing without a good reason? Or being sketchy when you ask them where they have been?
They get a new look: Any sudden changes in appearance, like a makeover, could be a clue that they are trying to impress someone new.
Playing the blame game: Are they blaming you for issues in the relationship out of the blue? That's fishy and could be seen as them trying to cause a problem.
Changes with money being spent: Unexplained spending or strange charges on the bank statement could be a sign of cheating.
Trust your gut: If your instincts are telling you something's off that probably because it is so it's worth investigating.
Lack of transparency: They're not being open about where they're going or what they're doing, it might be a red flag.
If you're suspicious, it's not wise to go in all-guns blazing, Hope says.
Open up the topic with your partner calmly, listing the things you've noticed and how it makes you feel.
Your partner may have perfectly reasonable explanations, however if the way they're acting doesn't change, then broach the subject again, this time more directly.