3 Things You Need To Know To ‘Feel Seen' In Relationships, By A Psychologist

Forbes

20 hours ago

If no one ever truly sees you, maybe it's time to ask: Are you showing them who you really are? Here ... More are three ways to be more fully seen in relationships.
The longing to feel seen by the people you love is deeply human. All of us want to feel seen by our loved ones and be known for who we are beneath it all. When you love someone, it's natural for you to want them to recognize you and your needs, and to love you without feeling the need to perform.
However, you may be holding onto a flawed expectation when you assume the other person should 'just know' you inside-out, without you having to communicate your feelings.
This might look like hoping your friend picks up on your mood without you explaining it, or wishing your partner just understands how they may have hurt you, without needing to ask.
This can very easily lead you to the assumption that the other person just does not care. But that is likely far from the truth. The reality is that they probably just do not know how you feel, and that lack of knowledge can impact the way they act.
Misunderstandings happen when you expect others to read between the lines or when you stay silent about what matters most, and then feel hurt when no one notices.
The truth is, helping others see you is also your responsibility. It doesn't mean forcing a connection or oversharing to be understood. It means learning how to show up in ways that invite the kind of understanding you crave.
Here are three things you need to know to feel more seen and help your relationships feel more connected.
You may want your partner to just 'get you' without having to give any explanations or waiting for them pick up on the subtle hints you're dropping.
But as comforting as that may sound or feel, people can't read your mind, no matter how much they love you. They can come to certain conclusions based on already-made assumptions and observations about you, but to rely on mere assumptions to gauge someone's mood only reinforces an unstable pattern and unhealthy ground for the relationship.
Over time, this creates a fragile and inaccurate way of relating to one another and can set you up for disappointments and misunderstandings in the relationship. Eventually, this will likely lead to emotional needs being unmet.
In a 2021 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, 155 heterosexual couples were asked to engage in a real-time discussion about a topic that typically causes conflict in their relationship.
During the interaction, researchers focused on one partner (called the 'target') and observed how much they expressed their thoughts and feelings. Meanwhile, the other partner (the 'perceiver') was assessed for how accurately they could understand what the target was thinking and feeling.
Researchers found that the more the target partner expressed themselves, whether verbally or nonverbally, the more accurately their partner was able to understand and empathize with them.
This was true for both emotional expressions (like 'I feel hurt') and cognitive ones (like 'I think you don't understand me') and it held up even when the emotions expressed were difficult or potentially threatening to the relationship.
This brings attention to the fact that clear self-expression led to greater understanding, regardless of the emotional intensity.
If you want to be seen for who you are, you have to offer others something real to see. This simply means sharing your inner world through clear and honest expression.
When we talk about being seen, it's important to note that being seen requires being known, which means disclosing and sharing parts of you. This comes with a great deal of vulnerability, usually the foundation of intimacy.
However, not all vulnerability helps create closeness. When you overshare too quickly, sometimes intending to fast-track intimacy, it can destabilize the relationship. This pattern of intense and early self-disclosure is called floodlighting, and it might leave the other person feeling obligated or overwhelmed, and you feeling more unseen.
While this can feel like honesty or emotional courage, it can bypass the slow trust-building that true intimacy depends on.
The social penetration theory supports this. It suggests that intimacy deepens best through a layered and reciprocal process. It should start with surface-level sharing and gradually move into deeper emotional territory.
So, it's worth remembering that vulnerability is powerful, but only when it's shared at a pace that allows both people to feel safe enough to stay open.
A crucial aspect of allowing yourself to be authentically seen and understood is learning how to set boundaries.
Boundaries are purely about letting the right things in. Think of them almost like an instruction manual that can guide others on how to care for you, how to engage with you and what respect looks like to you.
When you don't communicate your limits clearly or abandon them to avoid conflict, you will often end up feeling invisible, resentful or misunderstood.
A 2024 study organized and synthesized psychological research on the role of personal boundaries and their impact on an individual's mental health and relationships. Lead author Taras Chernata begins by defining personal boundaries as internal and external spaces, including physical, emotional, mental and spiritual boundaries.
These spaces merely protect and differentiate an individual from others. Chernata explored how these boundaries function as filters in helping people regulate closeness, protect their well-being and maintain a clear sense of self.
He suggests that boundaries are formed over time, shaped by early interactions with caregivers, one's environment and personality. Common disruptions to effective boundary-setting include difficulty saying no, a fear of rejection or a lack of awareness on how to communicate one's limits. This can often lead people to either overextend themselves or shut others out.
Chernata also highlights how assertiveness is essential in maintaining healthy boundaries. Saying what you need while respecting others is key to establishing stable and emotionally safe relationships.
This highlights the importance of being clear about your boundaries, even in the smallest of everyday choices. Saying 'yes' when you mean 'no,' or tolerating what feels wrong subtly teaches others that your needs are optional or negotiable.
When you stay true to yourself and assert your needs with clarity and respect, you give yourself the chance to be seen completely for who you are by those who love you, creating space for genuine connection.
It's normal to sometimes hold back parts of yourself out of certain fears, such as the fear of rejection, of being too much or not being enough. But the truth is, people can only respond to what you allow them to see.
You may think that being 'seen' only matters during big emotional conversations or moments of conflict. But the foundation of a healthy, supportive relationship is built in everyday exchanges.
You can start practicing this first in low-stakes moments: Share a small opinion even if it differs from others. You could share how your day went instead of defaulting to 'I'm fine.' Voice a small preference, even if it feels trivial. These gestures may seem minor, but they gently teach your nervous system that it's safe to be known.
Over time, you will build a habit of consciously choosing to be your authentic self despite your fears. This way, you build relationships where you can trust that the connection is real, rooted in people seeing and respecting you for who you truly are, not who you feel you need to be.
Are you being your authentic self in your relationships? Take this science-backed test to find out: Authenticity In Relationships Scale