Latest news with #2023WorkinAmericaSurvey
NZ Herald
29-07-2025
- Business
- NZ Herald
Some people live for chitchat. Others hate it. Service workers have two seconds to figure out which camp a customer is in
For America's 24.6 million service workers – who make an average of US$33,396 (NZ$56,000) each year, half of the national average income – this means trying to read body language, note eye contact and interpret tone in a matter of seconds, sometimes while working an espresso machine. 'I usually start my interactions by saying, 'Hey how's it going?' so they can either engage with that, or they can blow through it,' says Allie Lawrence, a barista and manager at an independently owned coffee shop in Brooklyn. 'It's kind of like you're having to micro-therapise people before even interacting with them because you're not sure what the energy is you're going to get.' Scotty Ross, who lives in Chandler, Arizona, and drives for Uber, starts with, 'How's your day going?' And then, 'I kind of catch the vibe from there,' he says. (When he's a passenger and doesn't feel like talking, he gives polite one-word answers. 'It feels like one of those 'Seinfeld' episode situations,' he says.) Customers who respond harshly to friendly overtures may not realise that at some businesses, small talk is a requirement for workers, not a personal choice. When Lawrence trains new workers, she suggests a few phrases, like, 'Hey, how's it going?' or, 'Good to see you, what can I get started?' At some places, she says, workers can get written up for skipping this step. 'It is kind of our job to give a 'wow' experience,' says William, a Trader Joe's employee in Seattle who asked to withhold his last name to speak freely about his workplace. 'Hey, how's it going?' is William's only prepared line. 'From there, if they seem like they want to talk, I'll ask more questions. If not, I'll let it be, I just ring them out and bag them and let them go.' Shoppers tell him about their ongoing chemotherapy and the death of their beloved cats. This kind of thing didn't happen when he worked at Costco, William says. During morning shifts at Trader Joe's, elderly people come in wanting someone to talk to. But the conversations aren't always pleasant. Customers have yelled at his co-workers for not engaging in sufficient conversation, he says. According to the American Psychological Association's 2023 Work in America Survey, nearly a third of respondents who worked in person with customers or patients said they had experienced verbal abuse in the past year, compared with 22% of office workers. For some service workers, small talk makes business sense. 'I would say most riders don't tip, and they're more likely to tip if they get into a conversation,' says Ross. When Ross started driving for Uber in 2016, he remembers keeping 80% of each fare. Now, he says Uber gives him only 30 to 50% of what each rider pays. Tips can make the difference, he pointed out, between making around minimum wage in Arizona (before the cost of gas, car maintenance and taxes) and making double that. Lawrence also sees a correlation between conversation and tips. 'The more of an experience or a show that I'm able to curate for the customer, potentially that results in higher tips,' she says. Anthropologist Bronislaw Malinowski is credited with first describing 'a type of speech in which ties of union are created by a mere exchange of words'. In 1923, he described these exchanges, which he called 'phatic communication,' as 'purposeless expressions of preference or aversions, accounts of irrelevant happenings, comments on what is perfectly obvious'. Like, say, exchanging observations about the weather with a stranger before making them an oat milk latte. Malinowski's definition hints at why small talk can be strangely polarising – it is by design both meaningless and crucial. 'It is your turn to say something now, Mr Darcy,' Elizabeth Bennet demands, when her dance partner refuses to make small talk. 'I talked about the dance, and you ought to make some kind of remark on the size of the room, or the number of couples.' The European marketers might say that Elizabeth is more 'communally oriented' and Darcy is more 'exchange-oriented'. Ella Fuller, a server in Iowa City, says that these exchanges are a part of the job she enjoys. 'If there's a place in between small talk and overshare, I've always really liked that part of service,' she said. Fuller works at a bar and cafe and had previous gigs at a barbecue spot and an Italian restaurant. At each of these jobs, she says, she had experiences where instances of small talk devolved into customers making inappropriate comments about her body. At the barbecue spot, she told those customers to knock it off. But at the Italian restaurant, she felt obligated to smile through all customer behaviour. She eventually brought the issue to management and was supported. The idea that the customer is always right, writes researcher Dana Yagil, 'implies, for customers as well as for service providers, that customers are entitled to misbehave, while service providers are expected to put up with such misbehaviours'. A shift, as of late, is that service workers are responding to customers with their own complaints and screeds. On TikTok, nearly 6 million followers tune in to watch actor and longtime server Drew Talbert dramatise restaurant behaviour from a server's perspective. Bartenders go viral for satirising pushy customers. Lawrence, who does stand-up comedy, makes videos re-enacting interactions with customers who inexplicably demand made-up coffee drinks. Servers have taken to TikTok to imitate the 'Gen Z stare', a reference to the way some young adults stare coldly at servers, as if rebuking them for the question, 'Hi, what can I help you with today?' Finding the right balance of small talk is a customer-facing worker's struggle. 'I don't know why – I can't stop myself – I talk too much,' moans Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman, comparing himself to more successful colleagues. Ross advises other Uber drivers to let customers do 80% of the talking. 'Try not to interrupt them and tell your own stories,' he cautions. 'Basically, be an interviewer.' He notices that he gets his best tips when he's drinking an energy drink and feels cheerful and energised. That service-oriented self isn't always accessible, and that affects his income. 'The first week after my dad died I don't think I got any tips because I was in a bad mood, but I still needed to make some money,' he says. 'You never really know what someone's going through,' he notes – whether driver or rider.
Forbes
22-04-2025
- Health
- Forbes
Why Distress Tolerance And Resonance Matters In Successful Leadership
Why Distress Tolerance And Resonance Matters In Successful Leadership Dan Goldin, former Administrator of NASA and one of the agency's longest-serving leaders, recently shared something on LinkedIn that made me stop and think. He wrote, 'Most people cannot do hard things because most people have not built distress tolerance.' That insight struck me because it captures something many people experience but struggle to explain. Every workplace expects performance under pressure, yet few people have developed the capacity to stay steady when things get difficult. I've had the opportunity to work with Dan on several boards of advisors, and he consistently shares thoughtful perspectives. This particular post stood out to me because I've seen exactly what he described in my work with leaders across industries. People rise until discomfort shows up. Then habits take over. The individuals who can remain grounded and clear in high-pressure situations are the ones others turn to. They may not be the loudest or most visible, but they are often the most effective when it matters most. What Distress Tolerance Really Means Distress tolerance is the ability to stay functional in the presence of stress, uncertainty, or discomfort. That includes staying mentally focused, emotionally composed, and physically present when your instincts are telling you to back away. This skill matters because difficult conversations, high-stakes decisions, and fast-moving changes are a regular part of business. And when people do not build the internal capacity to face them, they fall back on habits that may feel safe but are rarely productive. Distress Tolerance: Why Some People Thrive Under Pressure What I find interesting is I've noticed that people who overreact to small frustrations sometimes perform best in truly high-stress situations. What triggers distress can vary widely, which makes this even more important to understand. As part of my doctoral research, I studied stress tolerance as a component of emotional intelligence. Unsurprisingly, I found that higher performers were better able to tolerate stress. Research shows that many people struggle with stress in the workplace. The American Psychological Association's 2023 Work in America Survey found that 57 percent of employees reported experiencing negative impacts due to work-related stress, including emotional exhaustion and burnout symptoms. When leaders and teams lack the ability to stay composed in pressure-filled situations, performance suffers, often in subtle but costly ways. That is why it is so important to understand what distress tolerance actually means and how it shows up in the workplace. Distress Tolerance: The Cost Of Choosing Comfort Over Growth Many people have been conditioned to seek comfort. This often means repeating familiar patterns, avoiding friction, or relying on outdated ways of thinking. Over time, comfort becomes closely tied to the status quo. People choose what they know, not because it works, but because it is easier than facing the unknown. That creates a risk. In avoiding discomfort, people also avoid growth. They stop challenging ideas and settle for decisions that feel safe instead of strategies that create progress. This shows up in meetings where no one questions the direction, in teams that avoid conflict, and in cultures where innovation is talked about more than it is practiced. Distress tolerance allows people to step out of that cycle. It gives them the space to pause, reflect, and re-engage with clarity instead of shutting down or rushing to resolve discomfort too quickly. How Distress Tolerance Shows Up At Work It is important to recognize distress tolerance is built under real pressure, in moments that demand presence and perspective. You do not develop this by talking about stress management. You develop it by staying present when stress shows up. Here is what the impact looks like: With each difficult moment you face and navigate intentionally, your capacity expands. Over time, the same situations that once felt overwhelming become manageable. That is the kind of confidence that comes from experience, not theory. The Role Of Self-Awareness And The Power Of Resonance In Stress Tolerance Self-awareness is the foundation of distress tolerance. You have to recognize when you're close to your edge and choose how to respond. That moment of choice is what keeps pressure from turning into panic. Without it, stress takes over and decisions become reactive instead of thoughtful. After Dan Goldin shared his perspective on distress tolerance, someone in the comments described it as resonance. That term has real meaning in leadership research. Psychologist Richard Boyatzis has written extensively about resonant leadership, which focuses on staying emotionally connected to yourself and to others even in high-stress environments. Resonance creates a sense of steadiness. You can feel it in people who stay calm without being detached. It shows up in leaders who maintain clarity when the room is tense and uncertainty is high. Neuroscience supports this idea as well. Our brains tend to reflect the emotional tone around us. When a leader remains composed, that presence has a stabilizing effect on others. Where Distress Tolerance Fits Within The Bigger Picture In leadership conversations, there has been an increasing focus on traits beyond IQ or EQ. It can be challenging to keep up with all the quotients. It might help to learn more about some of them here: How To Build Distress Tolerance Without Burning Out You do not need a major crisis to build this skill. In fact, the most sustainable way to develop distress tolerance is through repeated, intentional exposure to smaller moments of discomfort. This is similar to what Albert Bandura, one of the most cited psychologists of all time, told me he did in his research with people who feared snakes. He gradually had them move closer over time, building their tolerance until they were eventually comfortable in the snake's presence. At work, you might start by: Each time you do something that challenges your comfort zone, you build your capacity to stay steady. You start to see discomfort as part of the process rather than something to avoid. And you create a model for others to do the same. Why Distress Tolerance Matters In The Age Of AI And Constant Change As technology continues to automate routine work, what remains valuable are the human abilities to think clearly, communicate with empathy, and stay grounded under pressure. These are not skills machines can replicate. They are built through practice, awareness, and the ability to navigate discomfort in real time. In a fast-changing world, people who can manage their own internal response while leading others through complexity will be the ones most equipped to guide real progress. The Value Of Distress Tolerance Distress tolerance is what gives leaders the strength to keep functioning clearly when everything else feels unclear. It shows up in how you speak, how you listen, how you choose your next step. Dan Goldin's reminder could not be timelier. This ability is not something you read about and instantly acquire. It is built through effort, awareness, and a willingness to keep showing up. If more people were willing to stretch their tolerance for discomfort, we would see more progress, better conversations, and stronger leadership everywhere.
Forbes
17-04-2025
- Business
- Forbes
How To Say No At Work Without Burning Bridges
How To Say No At Work Without Burning Bridges While Building Relationships In a culture that rewards responsiveness, saying no at work can feel risky. But failing to set boundaries is even riskier. When professionals agree to everything, they dilute their impact, drain their energy, and send the message that their time is limitless. The American Psychological Association's 2023 Work in America Survey found that 77% of employees report feeling stressed at work, with excessive workload and lack of boundaries among the leading causes. That kind of pressure makes it harder to step back and think strategically. When I spoke to Dorie Clark, Professor at Duke University and bestselling author of The Long Game and Reinventing You, she told me, 'You need to be intentional about what you say yes to, because every yes is a no to something else.' The ability to say no, with clarity and respect, has never been more essential. Still, many struggle to do it. They fear being seen as difficult or uncooperative. And so, they keep saying yes until something breaks: their focus, their health, or their trust in the organization. But there is a better way. Boundaries are not barriers; they are guidelines that protect productivity, relationships, and well-being. Saying no doesn't have to be abrasive. But it should be clear. It is important to recognize your capacity, set priorities, and communicate them in a way that maintains respect and trust. Why Saying No At Work Is So Difficult Saying no is about psychology. People say yes to avoid conflict, manage perceptions, or because they think declining a task signals weakness. But when yes becomes automatic, professionals lose control over their time and priorities. When I interviewed Dr. Henry Cloud, clinical psychologist and author of Boundaries for Leaders, he told me that "leaders and employees alike have to get clear on what they are responsible for and what they are not. When that line is blurry, burnout follows." Clarity about what is yours to own is the first step toward setting limits. How High Performers End Up Over-Committed When Not Saying No At Work People who are dependable and capable often get more requests because they are known for delivering. But competence without boundaries leads to overload. What starts as being helpful quickly becomes unsustainable. Whitney Johnson, author of Smart Growth and CEO of Disruption Advisors, shared with me that high performers often fear disappointing others or missing out on opportunities. "But saying yes to everything means you are not choosing where to grow," she said. Growth requires focus and focus requires trade-offs. When leaders model and support thoughtful boundaries, teams feel empowered to protect their time without guilt. It becomes easier to say no when it is understood as a strategic choice, not a personal rejection. How To Say No Without Sounding Dismissive Saying no does not have to be abrupt. In fact, the most effective no often includes empathy, context, and alternatives. A well-delivered no acknowledges the request, explains the reasoning, and offers another path if possible. For example: 'I appreciate you thinking of me for this. I'm currently at capacity with other priorities and wouldn't be able to give this the attention it deserves.' 'This is important, but given our current bandwidth, I recommend we revisit this next month or discuss who else might be able to take it on.' These responses balance respect with firmness. They keep the door open for future collaboration without compromising the current workload. Why Leaders Need To Normalize Saying No At Work The reason many professionals struggle with saying no is because they do not see it modeled. If leaders never decline requests or admit when they are overwhelmed, it creates a culture where boundaries feel taboo. Instead, leaders should openly discuss prioritization and capacity. A simple statement like "I'm focusing on these three priorities this quarter, so I won't be taking on additional projects right now" sends a powerful message. It reinforces that saying no is part of doing great work, not avoiding it. Dr. Cloud noted that healthy cultures are built on clarity and accountability. When people understand what they are responsible for, and what they are not, it creates safety and trust. That includes the ability to say no. When To Say No At Work And When To Say Yes With Limits Not every no has to be final. Sometimes the better option is a conditional yes: accepting a task only under certain terms or with adjusted expectations. Try saying: 'Yes, I can take this on if we shift the deadline on X.' 'I'm open to helping, but I would need support from Y to make this work.' These boundary-setting techniques help balance workload while preserving relationships. They also clarify what is possible instead of over-committing and under-delivering. The Long-Term Value Of Saying No At Work When you say no thoughtfully, you reinforce your credibility and protect your time. People begin to trust that when you say yes, you mean it. That kind of integrity builds influence. Boundaries don't have to be rigid, but they should be intentional. And in a world where so many feel stretched thin, the professionals who can protect their focus without damaging relationships will be the ones others want to work with again. Saying No At Work And Setting Boundaries Are Leadership Skills Saying no at work is a strength. It shows discernment, clarity, and self-respect. Leaders who master this skill, and encourage it in others, create healthier, more productive teams. You do not have to say yes to be liked. You have to be clear to be trusted. And the more thoughtful your boundaries, the more impactful your contributions become.
