Latest news with #Beguines
Daily Mail
6 days ago
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
I committed to celibacy for a year... but the result was NOT what I expected
When author Melissa Febos decided to stop having sex, it wasn't because of a breakup, a religious epiphany, or a viral celibacy challenge. It was because she was tired - of performative intimacy, of chasing connection, of confusing physical closeness with emotional safety. What began as a three-month break turned into a full year of celibacy. But Febos, who identifies as queer and is now married to a woman, didn't do it to swear off pleasure - she did it to find a more authentic version of it. In her new book The Dry Season, she explores how abstaining from sex made her feel more erotic, not less. 'I felt more vital,' she wrote, noting that the absence of sex created space for clarity and creative energy. It wasn't a punishment - it was a reorientation. For Febos, whose past works (Whip Smart, Girlhood, Body Work) have tackled everything from addiction to sexuality to the politics of writing, this latest memoir is less about renunciation and more about reclamation. She stopped having sex not because she feared desire, but because she wanted to feel it fully again - not dulled by obligation or routine. During her celibacy, Febos found inspiration in the Beguines - a group of medieval laywomen who chose to live outside the bounds of marriage, religion, or male control. They were celibate not out of prudishness, but out of independence. 'They quit lives that held men at the center,' Febos writes. Notably, many of the Beguines were in romantic relationships with other women. Her year without sex wasn't without connection. She formed an intimate, nonsexual bond with a younger queer friend named Ray - a relationship that helped her distinguish between wanting someone and acting on that want. The absence of sex didn't kill her libido - it sharpened her awareness of when she was saying yes out of habit, not actual desire. She also points to a moment of erotic clarity many people might relate to: a mother friend describing how aroused she felt just standing alone in a quiet airport line after time away from her toddler. She advised others not to have sex unless they really want to She explained that the quiet, undisturbed space was what celibacy felt like. Even her teaching - she's a professor in a prestigious MFA program - took on new dimensions. Teaching, she says, is 'a kind of seduction': pulling people in with attention, presence, depth. Celibacy gave her a new way to show up in the classroom, fully present, not depleted. By the time Febos fell in love again - with Donika Kelly, a poet she eventually married - she did so from a place of sovereignty, not scarcity. In the end, celibacy wasn't a retreat from desire. It was a radical act of desire - for herself, her art, and the kind of intimacy that doesn't require performance. Her advice? Don't have sex unless you really want to. 'This radical honesty not only benefits you but also your partner,' she says. 'To me, that's love: enthusiastic consent.' And the so-called 'dry season'? It ended up being the most fertile chapter of her life.
Los Angeles Times
7 days ago
- Entertainment
- Los Angeles Times
She gave up sex for a year and gained control of her life
After jumping from one relationship to the next, Melissa Febos found herself in bed with a woman she scarcely knew. 'Though I stubbornly tried to prove otherwise, for me, sex without chemistry or love was a horror,' Febos writes in her new book, 'The Dry Season.' 'A few weeks later, I decided to spend three months celibate.' On an unseasonably warm and sunny day in Seattle, I met Febos to talk about the surprising pleasure when those three months turned into a full year of celibacy. 'I had been thinking of this time as a dry season, but it had been the most fertile of my life since childhood,' Febos writes. 'I had run dry when I spent that vitality in worship of lovers. In celibacy, I felt more vital, fecund, wet, than I had in years.' While giving up physical intimacy might sound like the opposite of titillating, those familiar with the demands of monogamy and motherhood could recognize the erotic potential of solitude. 'A friend of mine took a trip without her toddler and said that the time she spent waiting in line to board was borderline erotic because it was a quiet time and space that she hadn't had in years,' Febos said. At 44, Febos has already established herself as a prolific, critically acclaimed and bestselling writer of memoirs and creative nonfiction. 'The Dry Season' is her fifth book. Her first, 'Whip Smart,' chronicles her time as a professional dominatrix. 'Abandon Me' tells of losing herself in a toxic relationship, struggling with addiction and discovering her biological father, and 'Girlhood' is a collection of essays about being in a body that no longer belongs to her. Her most recent, 'Body Work,' is a craft book on embodied writing. The physical body is clearly central to her writing — how it affects our work, our personal relationships and, most importantly, our relationship with ourselves. In a 2022 essay for the New York Times Magazine, Febos described her decision to undergo a breast reduction as a means to reclaim herself. In a society where bodily autonomy is under active and devastating attack, Febos' work is not only provocative, it's absolutely necessary. In the flesh, it's difficult to imagine Febos as anything but perfectly in control. She is warm, compassionate and easy to laugh. She's proud of the work she's done in recovery from addiction. Much of 'The Dry Season' takes inspiration from programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous, where the desire for a substance is in reality a desire to be closer to God. It's unsurprising then that Febos discovered that nuns were some of the first women to find freedom in celibacy. She was particularly interested in one medieval sect called the Beguines, who 'took no vows, did not give up their property, and could leave the order anytime. They traveled, preached, and lived more independently than most women in the western world.' But it wasn't necessarily that they rejected sex, as Febos writes, but rather a life focused on men. 'The Beguines did not just quit sex, and it is likely many did not give up sex at all. They quit lives that held men at the center.' When Febos told a friend that she was going to take a break from sex, she rolled her eyes. It's assumed that sex and love addicts are usually straight people, that it's heterosexual men who are sex addicts and heterosexual women who are love addicts. 'There was part of me that hoped I might be SLA [sex and love addict], because it could've been an easy answer,' Febos said. Febos works to dismantle heteronormative stereotypes about love and sex in this book, quoting writer Sara Ahmed: 'When you leave heterosexuality, you still live in a heterosexual world.' Later in the book, she discusses the uniquely queer and effective partnership of Leonard and Virginia Woolf. 'I didn't want to simply relocate within compulsory heterosexual gender roles,' she writes. 'I wanted to divest from them.' Febos said playfully, 'I thank God every day that I am not straight. But we're still socialized to behave a certain way. We all live under patriarchy. But I never had fantasies of marriage or of being a wife,' Febos said. 'My dream was always to be a writer, an artist.' In 'The Dry Season,' Febos processes some of the experience of being celibate through her friendship with a younger queer woman named Ray. Though there is sexual tension between them, the reconfiguring of desire helped Febos realize that some impulses aren't worth acting on. Febos has taught creative writing in the Master of Fine Arts program at the University of Iowa for the past five years and considers herself lucky that she's never felt attracted to her students. 'Teaching helps me to be a better writer,' she said. 'But it is partly about seduction, about being able to hold someone's attention, to get them to feel something you feel passionately about or to help them see something they haven't recognized before.' For Febos, the decision to take a step away from sexual intimacy is similar to the experience of understanding a text. 'There is a difference between how you react to a text and how you analyze a text,' she writes. 'You can be attracted or repelled by the content and still think critically about the response, about your own relationship to the text. As in love among humans, we cannot appreciate a text until we really see it, and in order to see it we have to get out of the way.' In other words, to truly understand your desire, you have to spend some time apart from it. 'The Dry Season' is no marriage plot. Even though Febos' wife, poet Donika Kelly, who Febos met after her period of celibacy concluded, appears briefly at the end of the book, Febos resisted having her there at all. 'That was truly not the point,' she said laughing, 'to say, 'Look, it all turned out great in the end!' ' I told Febos that many women had confided in me (in response to reading Miranda July's novel 'All Fours') that they felt obligated to participate in sex in their marriages with men. 'That's really the point of this book,' she responded. 'Why are you having sex if you don't want to be having sex? This radical honesty not only benefits you but it also benefits your partner. To me, that's love: enthusiastic consent.' Febos has reached the point in her career where she is in control. She told her agent that she would write a brief proposal for this book and nothing more, and it sold quickly. This is a freedom many writers will never achieve. Perhaps it's due to the fact that Febos works not only on her craft but on herself. 'My subject is myself, so this kind of work, in my relationships and with myself, is germane to my writing,' she said. Her inner work has been a wise investment, leading Febos to feel more freedom in her authorial vision, perhaps even moving toward fiction. 'Writing is a process of integration for me,' she said. 'I am so comforted by all of life's surprises.'
Scotsman
02-06-2025
- Scotsman
I discovered the magic of cruising Northern Europe and you will too
Marion Ainge is transported to the magic of of Bruges, Normandy, Amsterdam and Scilly Sign up to our daily newsletter Sign up Thank you for signing up! Did you know with a Digital Subscription to Edinburgh News, you can get unlimited access to the website including our premium content, as well as benefiting from fewer ads, loyalty rewards and much more. Learn More Sorry, there seem to be some issues. Please try again later. Submitting... Will someone hold my lollipop? Our walking tour group sniggered, not unkindly, at this question as our Belgian excursion guide handed over his flag post and offloaded his backpack to search for some maps. I'm on an Ambassador cruise and after docking at Zeebrugge, we're now in Bruges. It's around 26 degrees and guide Peter is going at some pace. We grab a gulp of water when we can and jog to catch up after taking a photo. The serene Lake of Love is believed to have been frequented by water nymphs and it's where Victor Hugo is said to have visited for a clandestine encounter with a lover. | Marion Ainge The serene Lake of Love is believed to have been frequented by water nymphs and it's where Victor Hugo is said to have visited for a clandestine encounter with a lover. White swans glide beneath the sacred, three-arched, stone Beguinage Bridge which leads to a place of silence, formerly populated by the pious, female Beguines and now a convent. From the Boniface bridge, we see half- timbered houses and the Church of Our Lady, reflected in the water. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad In this 'Venice of the North', a network of canals, central to the trade and industry for centuries, threads through the magical Medieval city. | Marion Ainge Our Liverpool sailing is ideal for those based in the north of the UK. Embarkation is seamless. Additional passengers embark in Belfast making an Ambition sailing of almost full capacity. Both Ambassador's Ambition, which accommodates up to 1200 guests, and sister ship Ambience offer a traditional cruising experience in the small ship category and it's easy to get around. My home for nine nights is a 'suite' treat. The Junior Suite comprises a spacious, deep balcony, walk-in wardrobe (great for all my shoes!) with shelves and basket storage, sitting area, welcome bottle of wine and bubbly, mini-fridge, bathroom with double shower and comfortable bed. The average age is 60-70 with younger cruisers and many in their 80s and 90s. Solos have regular meet ups. The ever- smiling, helpful crew members are at the ready to help in any way they can. Repeat cruisers are delighted when, as is often, crew members remember their names. It's a happy ship. Ambition Junior Suite | Marion Ainge In the Buckingham and Holyrood restaurants, solo tables are provided and food is of an excellent standard with plenty of variety and choice. The buffet-style Borough Market offers a more casual dining style. In speciality restaurant, Saffron, the fragrant flavours of Indian cuisine are divine. The semi al-fresco Lupino's presents a pleasing mezze of Mediterranean dishes. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad Buckingham Restaurant Ambition | Marion Ainge On the sun deck, there are two pools and at the Green Sea Spa, which offers the ultimate in relaxation therapy, my Reviving Facial leaves my skin refreshed and glowing. On sea days, there's plenty to do with fitness classes, yoga, games, cards, table tennis, quizzes, a library and much more. In the bars, entertainment includes cabaret, game shows and karaoke. The Palladium tiered theatre's entertainment includes guest lectures and showcases such as excerpts from West End shows. From Normandy's Honfleur, I join the excursion to Giverny, just 50 miles north west of Paris and the former home and captivating gardens of French Impressionist painter Claude Monet, which attract around 700,000 visitors per season. The walls display his paintings, including the famous 'Water Lilies'. I jostle for a place on the blue, fragrant wisteria-draped bridge to view the water lilies on the pond and photo- bomb the picture-book scene. Then, as I wander the colour-splashed five acres tended by 15 gardeners, huge, open yellow tulips, hot pink peonies and royal purple iris beg admiration. Monet's house and garden, Giverny | Ambassador In Netherlands capital, Amsterdam, with a population of around 950,000 and 1.4m cycles, there are more bikes than people! Our canal boat drifts past colourful houseboats, historic, narrow, multi-storey. gabled buildings and bridges. Special residents, a colony of stray cats are fed, watered and cared for in four of these houseboats. If you fancy a coffee in the city, just be aware that a 'Coffee Shop' sign might not be what you think. These are licensed to sell and serve soft drugs such as cannabis and marijuana. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad Marion Ainge | Marion Ainge A tender takes us to my favourite destination of the cruise. St Mary's, the largest of the the Isles of Scilly, is a mini-paradise of natural beauty and tranquillity. Hugh Town boasts three, soft, golden-sanded beaches, glittering, clear waters, tiny back streets with flower-filled gardens, artisan shops plus a few hotels/B&Bs and inns. Covering little more than 2.5 square miles with a population of just 1800, on the day of our visit, the tiny town comes alive. Thousands of spectators and rowers flock to St Mary's for the finals of the World Pilot Gig Championship. St Mary's, Isles of Scilly | Marion Ainge In the Palladium Magic of the Musicals' show, the talented cast convey the energy and spirit of Africa in the Lion King. The vocal power, passion and intensity they put into the excerpt from Les Miserables, 'Can you hear the people sing?' is exceptional. As they take their bow, I hope the young cast can hear the people cheer! Factfile: Delights of Western France & Spain Explorer May 9, 2026: 14 nights from Liverpool. Price from £1,129 based on two sharing
Scotsman
02-06-2025
- Scotsman
I discovered the magic of cruising Northern Europe and you will too
Marion Ainge is transported to the magic of of Bruges, Normandy, Amsterdam and Scilly Sign up to our daily newsletter – Regular news stories and round-ups from around Scotland direct to your inbox Sign up Thank you for signing up! Did you know with a Digital Subscription to The Scotsman, you can get unlimited access to the website including our premium content, as well as benefiting from fewer ads, loyalty rewards and much more. Learn More Sorry, there seem to be some issues. Please try again later. Submitting... Will someone hold my lollipop? Our walking tour group sniggered, not unkindly, at this question as our Belgian excursion guide handed over his flag post and offloaded his backpack to search for some maps. I'm on an Ambassador cruise and after docking at Zeebrugge, we're now in Bruges. It's around 26 degrees and guide Peter is going at some pace. We grab a gulp of water when we can and jog to catch up after taking a photo. The serene Lake of Love is believed to have been frequented by water nymphs and it's where Victor Hugo is said to have visited for a clandestine encounter with a lover. | Marion Ainge The serene Lake of Love is believed to have been frequented by water nymphs and it's where Victor Hugo is said to have visited for a clandestine encounter with a lover. White swans glide beneath the sacred, three-arched, stone Beguinage Bridge which leads to a place of silence, formerly populated by the pious, female Beguines and now a convent. From the Boniface bridge, we see half- timbered houses and the Church of Our Lady, reflected in the water. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad In this 'Venice of the North', a network of canals, central to the trade and industry for centuries, threads through the magical Medieval city. | Marion Ainge Our Liverpool sailing is ideal for those based in the north of the UK. Embarkation is seamless. Additional passengers embark in Belfast making an Ambition sailing of almost full capacity. Both Ambassador's Ambition, which accommodates up to 1200 guests, and sister ship Ambience offer a traditional cruising experience in the small ship category and it's easy to get around. My home for nine nights is a 'suite' treat. The Junior Suite comprises a spacious, deep balcony, walk-in wardrobe (great for all my shoes!) with shelves and basket storage, sitting area, welcome bottle of wine and bubbly, mini-fridge, bathroom with double shower and comfortable bed. The average age is 60-70 with younger cruisers and many in their 80s and 90s. Solos have regular meet ups. The ever- smiling, helpful crew members are at the ready to help in any way they can. Repeat cruisers are delighted when, as is often, crew members remember their names. It's a happy ship. Ambition Junior Suite | Marion Ainge In the Buckingham and Holyrood restaurants, solo tables are provided and food is of an excellent standard with plenty of variety and choice. The buffet-style Borough Market offers a more casual dining style. In speciality restaurant, Saffron, the fragrant flavours of Indian cuisine are divine. The semi al-fresco Lupino's presents a pleasing mezze of Mediterranean dishes. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad Buckingham Restaurant Ambition | Marion Ainge On the sun deck, there are two pools and at the Green Sea Spa, which offers the ultimate in relaxation therapy, my Reviving Facial leaves my skin refreshed and glowing. On sea days, there's plenty to do with fitness classes, yoga, games, cards, table tennis, quizzes, a library and much more. In the bars, entertainment includes cabaret, game shows and karaoke. The Palladium tiered theatre's entertainment includes guest lectures and showcases such as excerpts from West End shows. From Normandy's Honfleur, I join the excursion to Giverny, just 50 miles north west of Paris and the former home and captivating gardens of French Impressionist painter Claude Monet, which attract around 700,000 visitors per season. The walls display his paintings, including the famous 'Water Lilies'. I jostle for a place on the blue, fragrant wisteria-draped bridge to view the water lilies on the pond and photo- bomb the picture-book scene. Then, as I wander the colour-splashed five acres tended by 15 gardeners, huge, open yellow tulips, hot pink peonies and royal purple iris beg admiration. Monet's house and garden, Giverny | Ambassador In Netherlands capital, Amsterdam, with a population of around 950,000 and 1.4m cycles, there are more bikes than people! Our canal boat drifts past colourful houseboats, historic, narrow, multi-storey. gabled buildings and bridges. Special residents, a colony of stray cats are fed, watered and cared for in four of these houseboats. If you fancy a coffee in the city, just be aware that a 'Coffee Shop' sign might not be what you think. These are licensed to sell and serve soft drugs such as cannabis and marijuana. Advertisement Hide Ad Advertisement Hide Ad Marion Ainge | Marion Ainge A tender takes us to my favourite destination of the cruise. St Mary's, the largest of the the Isles of Scilly, is a mini-paradise of natural beauty and tranquillity. Hugh Town boasts three, soft, golden-sanded beaches, glittering, clear waters, tiny back streets with flower-filled gardens, artisan shops plus a few hotels/B&Bs and inns. Covering little more than 2.5 square miles with a population of just 1800, on the day of our visit, the tiny town comes alive. Thousands of spectators and rowers flock to St Mary's for the finals of the World Pilot Gig Championship. St Mary's, Isles of Scilly | Marion Ainge In the Palladium Magic of the Musicals' show, the talented cast convey the energy and spirit of Africa in the Lion King. The vocal power, passion and intensity they put into the excerpt from Les Miserables, 'Can you hear the people sing?' is exceptional. As they take their bow, I hope the young cast can hear the people cheer! Factfile:
