I committed to celibacy for a year... but the result was NOT what I expected

Daily Mail​

4 days ago

When author Melissa Febos decided to stop having sex, it wasn't because of a breakup, a religious epiphany, or a viral celibacy challenge.
It was because she was tired - of performative intimacy, of chasing connection, of confusing physical closeness with emotional safety.
What began as a three-month break turned into a full year of celibacy.
But Febos, who identifies as queer and is now married to a woman, didn't do it to swear off pleasure - she did it to find a more authentic version of it.
In her new book The Dry Season, she explores how abstaining from sex made her feel more erotic, not less.
'I felt more vital,' she wrote, noting that the absence of sex created space for clarity and creative energy. It wasn't a punishment - it was a reorientation.
For Febos, whose past works (Whip Smart, Girlhood, Body Work) have tackled everything from addiction to sexuality to the politics of writing, this latest memoir is less about renunciation and more about reclamation.
She stopped having sex not because she feared desire, but because she wanted to feel it fully again - not dulled by obligation or routine.
During her celibacy, Febos found inspiration in the Beguines - a group of medieval laywomen who chose to live outside the bounds of marriage, religion, or male control.
They were celibate not out of prudishness, but out of independence.
'They quit lives that held men at the center,' Febos writes.
Notably, many of the Beguines were in romantic relationships with other women.
Her year without sex wasn't without connection.
She formed an intimate, nonsexual bond with a younger queer friend named Ray - a relationship that helped her distinguish between wanting someone and acting on that want.
The absence of sex didn't kill her libido - it sharpened her awareness of when she was saying yes out of habit, not actual desire.
She also points to a moment of erotic clarity many people might relate to: a mother friend describing how aroused she felt just standing alone in a quiet airport line after time away from her toddler.
She advised others not to have sex unless they really want to
She explained that the quiet, undisturbed space was what celibacy felt like.
Even her teaching - she's a professor in a prestigious MFA program - took on new dimensions.
Teaching, she says, is 'a kind of seduction': pulling people in with attention, presence, depth.
Celibacy gave her a new way to show up in the classroom, fully present, not depleted.
By the time Febos fell in love again - with Donika Kelly, a poet she eventually married - she did so from a place of sovereignty, not scarcity.
In the end, celibacy wasn't a retreat from desire. It was a radical act of desire - for herself, her art, and the kind of intimacy that doesn't require performance.
Her advice? Don't have sex unless you really want to.
'This radical honesty not only benefits you but also your partner,' she says.
'To me, that's love: enthusiastic consent.'
And the so-called 'dry season'? It ended up being the most fertile chapter of her life.