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Yahoo
3 days ago
- Health
- Yahoo
Smoking weed and consuming THC-laced edibles linked to early heart disease, study finds
Get inspired by a weekly roundup on living well, made simple. Sign up for CNN's Life, But Better newsletter for information and tools designed to improve your well-being. Healthy people who regularly smoked marijuana or consumed THC-laced edibles showed signs of early cardiovascular disease similar to tobacco smokers, a new small study found. 'To my knowledge, it's the first study looking at THC's impact on vascular function in humans,' said senior study author Matthew Springer, professor of medicine at the University of California, San Francisco. 'We're looking at a window in the future, showing the early changes that may explain why smoking marijuana has been linked to later heart disease,' Springer said. 'It appears the act of smoking and the THC itself both contribute to those changes in different ways.' Tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC, is the component of marijuana that provides a high. Prior research on mice found damage to blood vessels that supply oxygen to vital organs after exposure to marijuana smoke, Springer said. Whether marijuana smoke would impact the human vascular system, however, was unknown. 'We found that vascular function was reduced by 42% in marijuana smokers and by 56% in THC-edible users compared to nonusers,' lead study author Dr. Leila Mohammadi, an assistant researcher in cardiology at the University of California, San Francisco, said in an email. The research only shows an association, Springer said. 'We can only state that the cannabis users have poor vascular function, not that cannabis use causes poor vascular function,' he said via email. The findings on THC-laced edibles was surprising, said Dr. Andrew Freeman, director of cardiovascular prevention and wellness at National Jewish Health in Denver. 'Could it be that other forms of marijuana — teas, tinctures, edibles — are perhaps not as benign as we once thought?' said Freeman, who was not involved in the study. 'We need larger studies to make a better conclusion about this finding.' A single layer of endothelial cells lines all of the body's blood vessels. When functioning properly, these specialized cells release chemicals such as nitric oxide that control the relaxing and contracting of the canal, thus regulating blood flow. Healthy endothelium cells also play a role in local cell growth and help prevent blood clotting. When endothelial cells are inflamed, plaque buildup can increase in arteries over time, potentially causing heart attacks, strokes and heart failure. Damage to small blood vessels can also cause kidney and lung disease, comas, delirium, and dementia. The study, however, did not measure plaque, so the findings do not mean that blood vessels were currently blocked, Springer said. 'The vessels just don't grow in diameter in real time when they need to pass more blood, indicating an unhealthy vessel wall that presages later cardiovascular disease,' he said. Prior studies have found strong links between marijuana use and later cardiovascular disease. A February 2024 study found smoking, vaping or eating marijuana led to a significantly higher risk of heart attack and stroke, even if a person had no existing heart conditions and did not smoke or vape tobacco. Stroke risk rose 42% and the risk of heart attack rose 25% if cannabis was used daily, and risk climbed as the number of days of use of marijuana rose, the study found. Using marijuana every day can raise a person's risk of coronary artery disease by one-third compared with those who never partake, a February 2023 study found. The American Heart Association advises people to refrain from smoking or vaping any substance, including cannabis products, because of the potential harm to the heart, lungs and blood vessels. Guidance released in 2020 pointed to studies that found heart rhythm abnormalities, such as tachycardia and atrial fibrillation, could occur within an hour after weed containing THC was smoked. The 55 participants in the study were divided into three groups: people who smoked (not vaped) marijuana three or more times a week for at least a year, people who consumed THC edibles at least three times a week for at least a year, and nonusers. None of the 18- to 50-year-old people in the study were tobacco smokers or vapers, and all had little exposure to secondhand tobacco smoke. Researchers performed an ultrasound on the major artery in the upper right arm in each person, then applied an extremely tight blood pressure cuff for five minutes. After the cuff was removed, the artery was rescanned to see how well it had dilated, or widened, to handle the increased flow of blood, a process that needs the release of nitric oxide to occur. Damage to the endothelial cells that regulate dilation was related to the dose, according to the study. Study participants who used more marijuana had a greater risk of damage to blood vessels that carry oxygen to the body's organs. 'Higher cannabis use — whether smoked or ingested — is associated with poorer vascular function, highlighting the cardiovascular risks that increase with higher potency and frequency of use,' Mohammadi said. Additional tests of the neck and thigh checked the stiffness of each person's blood pressure walls. Compared with people who never used marijuana, cannabis users didn't appear to have additional stiffness of the walls of blood vessels, the study found. A separate analysis added blood serum from cannabis smokers and edible users to commercially purchased cultures of endothelial cell in the laboratory. Blood from people who used edibles laced with THC didn't appear to harm the cells — they continued to produce adequate nitric oxide. However, the endothelial cells incubated in serum from marijuana smokers released 27% less nitric oxide than those treated with blood from nonsmokers. That evidence is similar to what is found in tobacco, Springer said, pointing to a prior study by his team showing endothelial cells incubated in serum from tobacco smokers released 39% less nitric oxide than nonsmokers. 'The observations that marijuana smokers and THC users each have poor vascular function might make people conclude that the THC is responsible for all of this and the smoke is irrelevant,' Springer said. That would be an ill-advised conclusion, according to Springer, as there are reasons to believe that marijuana smoke itself is as responsible as THC for the damage to blood vessels. 'Rats exposed to marijuana smoke with no cannabinoids at all also had vascular and cardiac impairment, plus tobacco smoke is known to cause heart disease and it has no THC,' Springer said. 'So you do yourself no favors by switching from smoking tobacco to marijuana. Smoking marijuana just gives you a double hit — the smoke and the THC,' he said. As for marijuana edibles, teas, tinctures and the like? 'In people, there's like a Goldilocks zone for everything — too much doesn't do right, too little doesn't do right, but just right does fine,' Freeman said. 'We need further investigations to see if there is a Goldilocks zone to be found.'
Yahoo
22-05-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
The surprising benefits of going to bed angry at your partner
Sign up for CNN's Sleep, But Better newsletter series. Our seven-part guide has helpful hints to achieve better sleep. Arguments often feel urgent no matter what's going on for some of the couples Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten sees in her practice as a clinical psychologist in Potomac, Maryland. This desire to resolve a conflict before heading to bed is particularly common for clients who grew up in a house where family members fought nonstop, said Whiten, author of '52 E-Mails to Transform Your Marriage: How to Reignite Intimacy and Rebuild Your Relationship.' 'It doesn't really occur to you to just shelve it and go to sleep.' For others, the tendency is because of the age-old adage that you should never go to bed angry — which sometimes comes from 'the belief that unresolved anger can fester overnight, leading to deeper resentment,' said Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist in New York City, via email. 'Its wisdom is likely to be rooted in the idea that resolution to arguments is essential for maintaining harmony and preventing even more emotional distance,' Romanoff said. 'Historically, it's a call for connection and prioritizing the relationship over lingering negativity.' Others' resistance to dropping an argument for the night may stem from self-comparison or toxic positivity, Whiten said — which can lead you to think you should be able to quickly discuss things with your partner, apologize, resolve the issue and happily call it a night. There's also the concern — sometimes in hindsight — about what may happen if you let your partner go about their next day with that lingering resentment between you two or without having said I love you. All considered, never going to bed angry sounds like a good rule to live by. But it isn't always useful, Romanoff said. 'Its rigidity can overlook individual needs, rest and perspective,' Romanoff said. 'Applying this convention without discretion can actually be detrimental to your relationship.' Putting an argument on pause and going to sleep upset is a skill you can practice, Whiten said. Here's how to do it and still keep your relationship intact. Delaying sleep to resolve an argument can backfire for several reasons. When you're exhausted, you're less inhibited and thus have less control of your emotions, so you're more impulsive and likely to say or do things you don't mean and will later regret, experts said. Your problem-solving, listening and reasoning skills, which are all necessary for effective communication, can take a hit too, especially if you're really worked up. Those factors, as well as being under the influence, can further exacerbate the problem, Whiten said. A good night's rest, however, can completely reset the brain. Sleep 'reduces your brain's reactivity to negative stimuli — or perceived negative stimuli — helps process emotions and restores your ability to approach problems rationally,' Romanoff said. 'A well-rested brain is better equipped to engage in thoughtful, respectful communication.' Sometimes, what you were arguing about will no longer seem important the next day. For whatever concerns that remain, though, you'll be more able to express them in a way that's less emotional or defensive and, ultimately, better for the relationship. Except on the rare occasions when something important and relevant to the conflict is about to happen late at night, Romanoff said all arguments should wait until the next day. Let's say you want to go to sleep but are struggling because the issue feels urgent, you're lying awake ruminating while your partner is sleeping soundly, or you're worried something bad might happen. These feelings could stem from 'attachment panic,' Whiten said. That's the fear that your attachment figure or closest relationship, typically your parents in childhood or your partner in adulthood, isn't there for you or doesn't love you. 'That's very evolutionarily motivated to try to get back to a state where you feel secure in the relationship,' Whiten added. In many of these cases, people feel the only way to manage their anxiety is to immediately try to repair things. But when you're worked up and tired, conversations with your partner won't go as well as when you're calm and rested. In fact, these conversations may even lead to a situation that heightens your anxiety. Regardless of why you just can't let it go, there are things you can do to settle down enough to get restful sleep. In some relationships, one person wants to discuss conflict more than the other, Whiten said. That person may worry that if the conversation doesn't happen right away, it never will — meaning the issue will never be resolved and the security and connection in the relationship will never be restored. That's why experts said it's critical for couples to commit to a time and place to follow up as soon as it's reasonably possible and when you're both in a better state of mind. Anticipating that things will be resolved soon can help calm you enough to sleep. Couples can also try to maintain any bedtime rituals that reinforce the foundation of the relationship, such as saying 'I love you,' cuddling or kissing each other good night, Romanoff said. Still engaging in these rituals communicates that your commitment to each other is more important than your current disagreement, offering reassurance without dismissing the conflict and balancing your immediate emotional security with the need for sleep, Romanoff said. Emotions are generally fleeting, but your commitment to, and care for, your partner likely aren't. You can even say all these things. If you're reading this tip and thinking, 'If I'm mad, there's no way I'm saying 'I love you,'' that stubbornness is part of what leads to frequent conflict, Romanoff said. 'The more you say, 'I can't learn new ways of engaging,' the less likely the relationship is to work out,' she added. 'In a healthy relationship, people are always learning new skills.' You don't have to do these things happily or romantically — a monotonous 'I love you' or a brief peck can still go a long way. It's not about denying your anger but about affirming the bond you share, Romanoff said. Self-regulating can also be important. You could try meditating, journaling, doing breathing exercises or distracting yourself by taking a quick shower or immersing your hands in cold water, Whiten said. Ask yourself, 'How can I handle things in a way that will make my future self proud? How can I care for myself as a parent would care for a child who's upset?' Learning how to soothe yourself 'is the real deep work that many people do with anxious attachment, especially in therapy,' Whiten said. Whenever you do have that follow-up conversation with your partner, remember that although arguments are inevitable, how you handle them defines your relationship and sometimes your sleep health, Romanoff said. 'Treat conflicts as opportunities to grow closer, not further apart,' Romanoff added. 'It's not about always maintaining a perfect relationship; it's about growing, learning and progressing through life together, even in the messy moments.'
Yahoo
22-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
What is gentle parenting? And is it making the next generations too soft?
Get inspired by a weekly roundup on living well, made simple. Sign up for CNN's Life, But Better newsletter for information and tools designed to improve your well-being. 'Back in my day,' some grandparents say to their adult children, 'we didn't let our kids speak without being spoken to or talk back to without a spanking or question every parental decision without a consequence.' What did happen to time-outs? Or 'I'll give you something to cry about?' There's a certain segment of parents who reject that form of parenting for something they say may work better, called 'gentle parenting.' If you hear the term and roll your eyes, and we know that's likely — pause for a second. Gentle parenting is often misunderstood and taken to mean coddling, said Dr. Brian Razzino, a licensed clinical psychologist in Falls Church, Virginia. That's not the case. Gentle parenting –– or what many people mean when they talk about it –– is often about teaching skills for adulthood and enforcing boundaries, and it has a lot to offer families, he said. This strategy is becoming popular as nearly half of parents say they are trying to raise their children differently than how they grew up, according to a 2023 report from the Pew Research Center. Those parents said they were looking to give their children more love and affection, having open, honest conversations and yelling less and listening more. The problem is that many people, even those who call themselves gentle parents, differ on the specifics. Here is what you need to know about the latest parenting trend. Psychological researchers have identified four main parenting styles: neglectful, authoritarian, permissive and authoritative. Neglectful parenting has neither high levels of warmth toward the child nor rules on a child's behavior, said Nicole Johnson, a licensed professional counselor in Boise, Idaho. A kid may act out and break a toy and not get much response from their neglectful parent, who might not have attended much to how they were playing anyway. Authoritarian refers to parenting that focuses on obedience and punitive response –– think 'because I said so,' Johnson said. The child who broke the toy would likely be yelled at and sent to time-out by the authoritarian parent without much conversation beyond that. Permissive parenting focuses on warmth toward children, but without much structure or boundaries, she added. That parent would acknowledge that the child probably broke the toy out of frustration but wouldn't follow up on consequences. Authoritative parenting seeks to strike a balance between structure and warmth. 'It's more focused on the idea of improving their ability to understand what's going on with themselves, their own feelings,' Razzino said. 'The parents are really focused on having that empathy for the child and respect when they when they talk with them, and that their feelings are valid.' Still, they are 'maintaining some very firm, clear limits.' Gentle parenting is not listed among the main parenting styles. While it is popular on social media, it is a relatively new term that hasn't been described much in the scientific literature. Researchers Annie Pezalla and Alice Davidson sought to investigate what parenting influencers on social media meant when they talked about gentle parenting in a 2024 study. 'Those who identified as gentle really prioritized emotion regulation. These are parents that are wanting to maintain calm at all costs, if at all possible, (including) their energy and emotions,' said Pezalla, visiting assistant professor of psychology at Macalester College in St. Paul, Minnesota. 'They do look like authoritative parents, for the most part, to us, like they're trying to hold boundaries and practice consequences with their kids,' she said, 'even though they showed the kind of no-holds-barred affection to their kids that typically permissive parents show.' Gentle parenting, like authoritative parenting, emphasizes the importance of boundaries while maintaining warmth and empathy, she said. However, the concept plays out differently in different families. In her research, Pezalla asked parents who identified as gentle parents about their practices. While some resembled authoritative parents, others acted in ways that fell more in line with a permissive style, she said. Ultimately, much of what people refer to as gentle parenting on social media is just another term for authoritative parenting: maintaining connection with the child, teaching them to regulate their emotions and behavior, and enforcing boundaries as a caring authority figure, said Razzino, who is also the author of 'Awakening the Five Champions: Keys to Success for Every Teen.' Imagine a child is throwing their food off their plate and onto the floor. A permissive parent might say, 'please don't do that,' and then do nothing else to enforce a boundary. An authoritarian might glare sternly and immediately move to a time-out or spanking or to send their child to bed hungry. An authoritative parent, which is what many people mean when they identify as a gentle parent, might say, 'I can see you're feeling playful, but food stays on the plate. I can give you something else to do with your hands while we have dinner, but if you throw it again, I am going to have to take the plate away,' Razzino said. Some people critique this way of parenting as being too soft on kids, saying that the world is harsh and kids will need to learn to deal with that, Johnson added. But the goal of this parenting style isn't to shield your child from accountability; rather it is to get to a calmer place for the parent and child, give kids tools for making good choices, and then enforcing a boundary with logical consequences, she said. Logical consequences are ones that relate directly to a behavior: If you smack your friend with a truck, the playdate will be over, Razzino added. For the people who understand gentle parenting as a form of authoritative parenting, there are two parts: validating that you understand the feelings they are experiencing and teaching that not every way of expressing those feelings is acceptable or productive, Johnson said. It is important to neither skip the validation step nor get too bogged down in it, Razzino added. At some point, it is important to move from talking about the feelings to making plans on how to regulate the difficult emotions and what consequences will happen if the unacceptable behavior continues. And this approach has been shown in research to be effective in raising more healthy, resilient, successful adults, Razzino said. One 2022 study found that children raised with an authoritative parenting style were more likely to achieve academically. Another study in 2020 found that a lack of this parenting style was the most important factor in low life satisfaction. There is a downside to authoritative or gentle parenting. Staying calm, validating your child's feelings, explaining a boundary and the consequences of breaking it, and then following through with a rational consequence is a lot of work, Pezalla said. It's even more work if you weren't parented with a lot of warmth and empathy, Johnson added. With so much pressure to parent perfectly, many parents feel burnt-out trying to adhere too strictly to gentle parenting practices, according to Pezalla's research. Gentle parents 'are working so hard to be emotionally regulated 24/7 that they are burning out,' she said. 'That's what we found in the article that we published … they're stressed out of their minds.' Some online parenting influencers will say that you can't use the word no, that you have to say no, that you should pause in a grocery store meltdown to give a hug, or that you need to scoop your child up from the store floor and not allow them to continue the tantrum there, Pezalla said. Instead of worrying too much about following the one right philosophy, Pezalla recommends prioritizing the four things she has found to be what every kid needs growing up. Those include structure, warmth, acknowledgement as an individual who may need something different from their siblings, and an approach that prepares for parenting as a long game, she said. 'Everything else is like static noise to me,' Pezalla said. 'It's like the same general authoritative parenting styles, just, we're calling it something different.' And don't worry if you mess up, lose your temper or change your mind on your parenting approach, Johnson said. Kids don't need a model of a perfect human, they need to see an adult who is trying their best to be a positive authority figure, striving for empathy, practicing regulating themselves, and taking accountability when they get it wrong, she added. Hopefully, that model will be a roadmap so they can grow up doing those things, too.
Yahoo
16-05-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
When going to bed angry at your partner is OK
Sign up for CNN's Sleep, But Better newsletter series. Our seven-part guide has helpful hints to achieve better sleep. Arguments often feel urgent no matter what's going on for some of the couples Dr. Samantha Rodman sees in her practice as a clinical psychologist in Potomac, Maryland. This desire to resolve a conflict before heading to bed is particularly common for clients who grew up in a house where family members fought nonstop, said Rodman, author of '52 E-Mails to Transform Your Marriage: How to Reignite Intimacy and Rebuild Your Relationship.' 'It doesn't really occur to you to just shelve it and go to sleep.' For others, the tendency is because of the age-old adage that you should never go to bed angry — which sometimes comes from 'the belief that unresolved anger can fester overnight, leading to deeper resentment,' said Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist in New York City, via email. 'Its wisdom is likely to be rooted in the idea that resolution to arguments is essential for maintaining harmony and preventing even more emotional distance,' Romanoff said. 'Historically, it's a call for connection and prioritizing the relationship over lingering negativity.' Others' resistance to dropping an argument for the night may stem from self-comparison or toxic positivity, Rodman said — which can lead you to think you should be able to quickly discuss things with your partner, apologize, resolve the issue and happily call it a night. There's also the concern — sometimes in hindsight — about what may happen if you let your partner go about their next day with that lingering resentment between you two or without having said I love you. All considered, never going to bed angry sounds like a good rule to live by. But it isn't always useful, Romanoff said. 'Its rigidity can overlook individual needs, rest and perspective,' Romanoff said. 'Applying this convention without discretion can actually be detrimental to your relationship.' Putting an argument on pause and going to sleep upset is a skill you can practice, Rodman said. Here's how to do it and still keep your relationship intact. Delaying sleep to resolve an argument can backfire for several reasons. When you're exhausted, you're less inhibited and thus have less control of your emotions, so you're more impulsive and likely to say or do things you don't mean and will later regret, experts said. Your problem-solving, listening and reasoning skills, which are all necessary for effective communication, can take a hit too, especially if you're really worked up. Those factors, as well as being under the influence, can further exacerbate the problem, Rodman said. A good night's rest, however, can completely reset the brain. Sleep 'reduces your brain's reactivity to negative stimuli — or perceived negative stimuli — helps process emotions and restores your ability to approach problems rationally,' Romanoff said. 'A well-rested brain is better equipped to engage in thoughtful, respectful communication.' Sometimes, what you were arguing about will no longer seem important the next day. For whatever concerns that remain, though, you'll be more able to express them in a way that's less emotional or defensive and, ultimately, better for the relationship. Except on the rare occasions when something important and relevant to the conflict is about to happen late at night, Romanoff said all arguments should wait until the next day. Let's say you want to go to sleep but are struggling because the issue feels urgent, you're lying awake ruminating while your partner is sleeping soundly, or you're worried something bad might happen. These feelings could stem from 'attachment panic,' Rodman said. That's the fear that your attachment figure or closest relationship, typically your parents in childhood or your partner in adulthood, isn't there for you or doesn't love you. 'That's very evolutionarily motivated to try to get back to a state where you feel secure in the relationship,' Rodman added. In many of these cases, people feel the only way to manage their anxiety is to immediately try to repair things. But when you're worked up and tired, conversations with your partner won't go as well as when you're calm and rested. In fact, these conversations may even lead to a situation that heightens your anxiety. Regardless of why you just can't let it go, there are things you can do to settle down enough to get restful sleep. In some relationships, one person wants to discuss conflict more than the other, Rodman said. That person may worry that if the conversation doesn't happen right away, it never will — meaning the issue will never be resolved and the security and connection in the relationship will never be restored. That's why experts said it's critical for couples to commit to a time and place to follow up as soon as it's reasonably possible and when you're both in a better state of mind. Anticipating that things will be resolved soon can help calm you enough to sleep. Couples can also try to maintain any bedtime rituals that reinforce the foundation of the relationship, such as saying 'I love you,' cuddling or kissing each other good night, Romanoff said. Still engaging in these rituals communicates that your commitment to each other is more important than your current disagreement, offering reassurance without dismissing the conflict and balancing your immediate emotional security with the need for sleep, Romanoff said. Emotions are generally fleeting, but your commitment to, and care for, your partner likely aren't. You can even say all these things. If you're reading this tip and thinking, 'If I'm mad, there's no way I'm saying 'I love you,'' that stubbornness is part of what leads to frequent conflict, Romanoff said. 'The more you say, 'I can't learn new ways of engaging,' the less likely the relationship is to work out,' she added. 'In a healthy relationship, people are always learning new skills.' You don't have to do these things happily or romantically — a monotonous 'I love you' or a brief peck can still go a long way. It's not about denying your anger but about affirming the bond you share, Romanoff said. Self-regulating can also be important. You could try meditating, journaling, doing breathing exercises or distracting yourself by taking a quick shower or immersing your hands in cold water, Rodman said. Ask yourself, 'How can I handle things in a way that will make my future self proud? How can I care for myself as a parent would care for a child who's upset?' Learning how to soothe yourself 'is the real deep work that many people do with anxious attachment, especially in therapy,' Rodman said. Whenever you do have that follow-up conversation with your partner, remember that although arguments are inevitable, how you handle them defines your relationship and sometimes your sleep health, Romanoff said. 'Treat conflicts as opportunities to grow closer, not further apart,' Romanoff added. 'It's not about always maintaining a perfect relationship; it's about growing, learning and progressing through life together, even in the messy moments.'
Yahoo
14-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
I'm disagreeable – and it's backed by science. Can I change my personality?
The other day, a friend decided to playfully name our individual roles within the group: planner, emotional support, and so on. I was the fault-finder – or, as she put it, 'the grumpy teenager' – who points out problems, but doesn't suggest alternatives. She was only kidding around, but she struck at an insecurity I have: that I'm unacceptably, intolerably negative. My first instinct is to stress-test ideas for potential flaws. This critical tendency serves me well professionally, and feels true to who I am. If I don't enjoy a film, for example, I don't swallow my opinion. But I sometimes worry that it's not much fun to be around, and may be working against me in my personal life. What I experience as an even, nuanced discussion about the new Bridget Jones film, or the works of Joan Didion, friends will sometimes remember as a heated debate. I wanted to know if I could objectively measure this 'grumpiness'. Personality testing is a notoriously inexact science (and in the case of the Myers-Briggs, scarcely a science at all). But the so-called 'big five' test is considered the most robust. It assesses agreeableness (including empathy, cooperativeness and social skills), openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion and neuroticism: together summarised as 'Ocean'. When I took a free big five test online, the results were as I'd suspected. My highest ranking was 81 points for openness; by contrast, I scored just 33 for agreeableness. Does that mean I'm doomed to be disagreeable? Or can I change who I am? *** Journalist Olga Khazan has bad news for me. 'Agreeableness is the toughest one to change,' she says. Khazan, a staff writer at the Atlantic magazine, should know. She spent an entire year trying to change her personality – documented in her new book Me, But Better. Having recently decided to start a family, Khazan recognised that her flinty, lonerish tendencies might not serve her well in motherhood. To increase her extraversion, she took improv comedy classes, forced herself to throw parties and attended MeetUp groups of like-minded strangers. In the process, she discovered that personality was not a consistent, immutable truth. 'You have certain proclivities, but it is flexible – you do evolve over time, and if you want to change, you can change even faster,' she says. Even genetic factors aren't impervious to the environment. Attending university, for example, can foster openness as it exposes you to new ideas, different people or opportunities to travel. Two factors seem particularly pertinent to tweaking your personality, Khazan goes on. 'One is mindset: 'I would like to be like this, and I believe I can change.'' The other is follow-through – 'you have to actually do the behaviours associated with the new personality trait'. To some extent, personality change is about faking it 'til you make it, Khazan says: there's no bigger secret than 'go out and do it, for the rest of your life'. With time and repetition, improv, socialising with strangers and otherwise extending herself became easier. 'It doesn't necessarily feel like eating your spinach and running a marathon every day – it starts to feel more like just what you would like to do.' It's not that there are bad personalities, or that you should aspire to a total overhaul, Khazan adds. But if we stick with easy, instinctual or habitual behaviours, we may sell ourselves short. 'We tend to, over time, fall into patterns and habits that could use an update – to put it mildly,' she says. Now a parent, Khazan's experiments in extraversion are paying off. 'I've had a totally different approach to motherhood than I think I [otherwise] would have,' she says. 'I've really made it a point to join new mom groups, reach out to other new moms and cultivate new-mom friends.' Before her personality-change project, she would probably 'have tried to white-knuckle it', Khazan says. ''I'm not a joiner,' 'I don't need these other people,' 'I'm not like other moms' – I would have had more of that mentality.' Such 'limiting beliefs' about ourselves are often at the root of our disagreeable behaviours, Khazan writes. When I voice all the flaws I identified in a film, for example, it may come from a desire to express myself authentically or prove that I was engaged. Cultivating curiosity for what my friends thought could be a small step towards developing agreeableness, suggests Khazan. 'You could still hang on to those thoughts, and that skill of analyzing things really closely, but you could also start to mention some things you did like, or get interested in why the other person liked it.' But every group dynamic is different, Khazan adds, kindly: some friends might be accepting of my critical tendencies, even appreciative. 'That part of you might not need to be changed … Not everyone is for everyone.' *** Often people mistake agreeableness for being a chump or a pushover – 'just doing whatever everyone else says', says Khazan. But it's more about social skills, including picking your moment and knowing your audience. It's arduous work but worthwhile, Khazan suggests. People who rank high in agreeableness are happier, less likely to get divorced, have a high quality of life and are more resilient to adversity. People who rank lowest are generally psychopaths. I scored 33 points, not 0 – but I know what direction to be moving in. Many people seek to change their personality to make themselves more likable or gain others' approval. But there's also a selfish case, Khazan says. Addressing blindspots or imbalances can help us achieve our goals, and feel happier and more fulfilled. At the very least, the attempt can make us more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Khazan quotes the writer Gretchen Rubin: ''Accept yourself, but also expect better of yourself' – I think that's a good philosophy.' More from Why am I like this:Trying to become just a bit more agreeable feels forced at first, just as Khazan warned. But with time and attention, I start to better attune to social interactions. In conversations I try to catch myself before launching into my opinion, to assess whether it was really solicited, and look for opportunities to ask questions instead of making yet another comment. After two weeks of gentle effort, I realise that when I start being negative for no real reason, I'm probably feeling over-tired, socially awkward or both. It's strange to notice that I ramp up my views in hopes of generating energy or engaging my conversational partner. This feels productive: I might not have changed my personality, but I've gained more grasp on its expression. If 'who we are' is fluid, perhaps I can think of cultivating self-awareness and positive change as growth. Call it 1% more agreeable – or at least less psychopathic. Me, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Change by Olga Khazan is out now
