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Yahoo
3 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
The Fascinating Reason Women Use Their ‘HR Voice' To Reject You
When a date doesn't go well, men will often accuse women of adopting an 'HR voice' — the polite, corporate way some women will text when they are done with dating you. Suddenly, a flirtatious text thread starts sounding like a meeting with human resources. And although men go to social media to joke and complain about this formal shift, the women who do or encourage this say it's the kinder response. 'I'm the queen of a polite termination text,' said Emily Durham, a Toronto-based career coach and former recruiter who uses HR-speak when rejecting men she's gone on a few dates with. 'In times of stress, I default to speaking like I'm someone's human resources manager, and that's just how I am.' What she does might sound similar to anyone who's had to hear hard news during a performance review. 'I'll use the sandwich method, which is [to] thank them for their time, compliment a character trait that I genuinely enjoy about them. Tell them it doesn't feel like the right connection for me right now,' she recalled. 'If it feels warranted to deliver feedback, for example, like because ... we work opposite hours or something like that, feel free to pop it in. ... And then like, 'Wishing you all the best.'' Why 'HR voice' can actually be a kinder, safer way to reject someone you've dated. Durham defends the 'HR voice' for women and anyone who is queer or trans who are more likely to experience violence while dating. 'In the beginning of dating, you use this HR-speak to mitigate risk. You don't really know who you're dealing with yet, but you still want to balance being respectful,' she said. Sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, author of 'This Is Supposed to Be Fun,' agreed with this use of HR voice, noting, 'If you expect that the person you're breaking up with will have an outsized response or you know them to be toxic or abusive, HR voice can be the best way to get your point across while protecting yourself.' 'People use 'HR voice' to soften the blow of emotionally charged and difficult conversations like breakups,' Battle said. 'We know that it's not kind to say to someone, 'I just don't want to date you anymore.' So people fall back on language that feels more clinical and sterile and devoid of emotion.' There is no easy way to deliver the message that your connection, however short, has fizzled out, but an 'HR voice' text can at least firmly but gently let a person know it's over. 'It is coming from a place of having respect for the other person, like setting them free back into the dating universe,' Durham said. It may also be kinder to send this type of message because it focuses on how you feel and is not a reflection of who your date is. 'I think a lot of people lean on these HR-safe termination messages because it centers more how that connection feels for you versus who that person is,' Durham said. Dating and relationship coach Ali Jackson said she posts text templates of how to reject people and has been accused of perpetuating an 'HR voice.' When she has done it, her wording follows the script of ''Hey, I've really enjoyed getting to know you, but after thinking about it, I don't feel the romantic connection that I'm looking for. But I wish you all the best.' I sent that text countless times,' she said. When people have critiqued her scripts as robotic and generic, 'My response is always like, 'Feel free to make it your own,'' she said. 'For me, that type of text message is actually pretty authentic.' Of course, 'HR voice' is better-suited for early dating than long-term relationships. If a connection lasts beyond one or two dates, Durham said she will call to end things with someone. 'I do think it is context dependent,' Jackson said. 'If I was going to break up with my boyfriend right now, I certainly would not be sending him that text message.' If you have been dating for more than a couple of months, Jackson recommends doing a phone call, at the very least. That way, if you have been emotionally vulnerable with someone, the other person deserves a heartfelt message you cannot copy-paste. Accusations of 'HR voice' might be a gendered idea. Although women get called out for adopting an HR voice, they aren't the only people to default to corporate, generic responses when dealing with thorny emotions or rejection. 'I don't think that 'HR voice' is exclusive to women. I think that women tend to get their tone policed more than men, though,' Battle said. Rejection texts that sound like HR may sting, but it's better than ghosting when someone asks for a third date. Some form of acknowledgment is welcomed, regardless of who you are. 'I think if a woman gets that response, she is so happy that this man has communicated his feelings, even if it sucks. She's not policing his language,' Jackson said. 'I've received the same messages from men, and I've never been like, 'Oh, it's corporate speak.' I was like, 'Oh, this is a direct, clear, empathetic communicator,'' Durham said. 'But when I have shared my termination texts, I'll get DMs [direct messages] from people being like, 'Oh my God, you're so stuffy.' I'm like, 'Am I? Or am I just not sugarcoating?'' Telling someone you don't want to date them is hard, no matter how you phrase it, but corporate language at least signals you're trying to soften the blunt edge of rejection. 'Hope you find what you're looking for' and 'Wish you all the best' may sound copy-pasted, but they're also an appropriate way to end an early connection. When you get it, the message is clear: your contract has ended; you're being dismissed. 'I understand why people don't like it; at the same time, I'm not sure that you're ever going to like that text,' Jackson said. Related... Is This The Worst 1-Word Text Message You Can Possibly Send? 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Toronto Star
18-06-2025
- Business
- Toronto Star
Emily Durham: One of Toronto's top 10 influencers of 2025
Top 10 Influencers The Influencers 2025 project shines a spotlight on local content creators who are shaping how Toronto thinks, eats, dresses, speaks out and shows up. Together, they have nearly 13 million followers, almost double the population of the GTA. Here we celebrate Emily Durham, a career coach whose tips and tricks make things like salary negotiation and networking a breeze. TikTok: @ (691K followers) Instagram: @ (474K followers) Feeling truly empowered at work can change your life, says Emily Durham. 'For most of us, our job isn't just a job — it's where we spend the majority of our time, where our identity is shaped, and where so much of our confidence either grows or shrinks,' says Durham. 'Helping someone land a new role, ask for a raise, or even just feel less alone navigating workplace politics? That's the best feeling in the world.' Emily Durham on TikTok: @ Durham worked as a recruiter for years, where she witnessed firsthand how access to career education and mentorship directly impacted interview results, promotion rates and salary — and how a lack of support disproportionately affected women and under-represented groups. She wanted to talk about it. In 2020, Durham launched 'The Straight Shooter Recruiter' podcast, then started making career guidance videos, which quickly went viral. 'When I think about my purpose online, it's really to empower people in their careers and democratize access to the kind of information that's so often gatekept,' she says. 'My goal is to help people feel confident, satisfied, and — above all — get paid.' Pull Quote When I think about my purpose online, it's really to empower people in their careers and democratize access to the kind of information that's so often gatekept,' Achieving success in the crowded social world also allowed Durham to make one of her cherished childhood dreams come true: her first book, a career guide for Gen Z women entitled 'Worked Up: No-BS Advice on Getting Ahead in Your Career (Without Losing Your Mind),' comes out next year. We asked Emily about her favourite spots and hidden gems in the city What's your favourite Toronto restaurant? Hands down, Favorite's Thai BBQ (141 Ossington Ave.). You have to do the chef's tasting menu or you're living wrong. It is my favourite spot in the entire city. What's your favourite café and what do you order? Daily Dose (125 John St.). I get an iced Americano, splash of almond milk. The trick: two pumps of their marshmallow syrup. What's your favourite store? Without a doubt, my favourite spot in the city is On Third Thought (6 Markham St.). They're a locally owned gelato bar, but not only is their gelato dairy-free, they also do wine and gelato pairings. Favourite hidden gem Accent and Co. (8 Spadina Ave.) in the Well – am I on the Well's payroll? – it's a shop that (curates products) from locally owned businesses. It's a perfect spot to pick up a little something for yourself or a loved one. Where do you find inspiration? Walking the streets of West Queen West – you're surrounded by people with incredible and unique fashion sense. Watch the video: We asked all the influencers, what's the comment that lives rent-free in your head? Our Top 10 influencers of 2025 share the most memorable comment from followers. Michelle Mengsu Chang, Angelyn Francis and Kelsey Wilson/ Toronto Star The List These are Toronto's Top 10 influencers of 2025. They shape how millions of us shop, eat and live. Who are you following? Together these social media stars have nearly 13 million fans on TikTok and Instagram. Peek
Toronto Star
02-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Toronto Star
2025 Toronto influencers: Here's where the city's top creators eat, drink and hang out
We asked this year's top 10 influencer s to share their favourite spots and hidden gems in Toronto. You'll want to bookmark this one. What's your favourite Toronto restaurant? 'Bar Sugo (1279 Bloor St. W.) – I love their 'Little Italy' pizza.' – Shriya Agnihotri The List These are Toronto's Top 10 influencers of 2025. They shape how millions of us shop, eat and live. Who are you following? Together these social media stars have nearly 13 million fans on TikTok and Instagram. Peek behind the scenes to see why. The List These are Toronto's Top 10 influencers of 2025. They shape how millions of us shop, eat and live. Who are you following? Together these social media stars have nearly 13 million fans on TikTok and Instagram. Peek behind the scenes to see why. 'Hands down, Favorite's Thai BBQ (141 Ossington Ave.). You have to do the chef's tasting menu or you're living wrong. It is my favourite spot in the entire city.' – Emily Durham ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW 'Lee Restaurant (497 Richmond St. W.) – honestly anything on the menu, but the salad (chef Susur Lee's signature Singapore style slaw) – oof, just thinking of it. Most delicious salad in the world.' – Tara Sigari 'The spaghetti al limone from Terroni (57 Adelaide St. E.).' – Spencer West 'Congee Queen (362 Yonge St.) – consistent, large quantities and good prices. My number one dish there is 干炒牛河 – dry fried beef noodle.' – Clement Leung 'Bar Ardo (169 King St. E.). I love the chickpea fritters appetizer they serve.' – Lisa Corbo 'Burger Drops (116 Atlantic Ave.). You can't go wrong.' – Brendan Carpenter 'Pad see ew from Chiang Mai (353 Danforth Ave.). I lived in Thailand for five months, and this is the closest thing I can find to authentic Thai food in Toronto.' – Reni Odetoyinbo 'I'm basic, I'm easy. Cactus Club (77 Adelaide St. W.). I love their steak and their mashed potatoes are so, so good.' – Abdullah Zaidi 'The club sandwich from George's Deli (795 Bathurst St.). It's at Bathurst Station and it rips. The owner Agatha is the nicest lady. I like it on vibes alone.' – Jacob Balshi ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW Bar Sugo is the newest Italian-American restaurant in town and is on Bloor near Ossington. Richard Lautens / Toronto Star What's your favourite café and what do you order? 'Tsuchi Cafe (688 College St.). It's a Japanese vegan café and they have some really great bites there, and they do a caramel miso latte.' – Shriya Agnihotri 'Daily Dose (125 John St.). I get an iced Americano, splash of almond milk. The trick – two pumps of their marshmallow syrup.' – Emily Durham 'Paris Baguette (110 Bloor St. W.) has this sticky bread — so good.' – Tara Sigari 'Fresh Start Bakery Cafe (595 Bay St.). It's in the Bay Street atrium, run by a Turkish family. Great Turkish coffee, and lots of great gluten-free bakery options. It's the best baklava I've ever had.' – Clement Leung 'Quantum (482 Front St. W.). I just order black coffee or an Americano.' – Brendan Carpenter 'I like Café 23 (728 Queen St. W.) in the fall. It's very busy, very touristy. I also like the café inside the AGO.' – Abdullah Zaidi ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW What's your favourite store? 'The Cocktail Emporium (20 Kensington Ave.). It's got anything you'd ever want to make cocktails with. All the gadgets, the mixes, incredible glassware — really cool stuff.' – Spencer West 'Without a doubt, my favourite spot in the city is On Third Thought (6 Markham St.). They're a locally owned gelato bar, but not only is there gelato dairy-free, they also do wine and gelato pairings.' – Emily Durham 'I'm so basic. I like LuluLemon. I shop there all the time.' – Shriya Agnihotri 'Can I say Hermès (100 Bloor St. W.)?' – Tara Sigari 'I really like going to T&T Supermarket (297 College St.), and buying food. – Clement Leung 'Mine & Yours (79 Yorkville Ave.). I'm an accessory junkie, and they have incredible vintage accessories.' – Lisa Corbo 'There's this flower shop called Cumberland Flowers (2 Bloor St. E.). It's also in Yorkville. It's a little flower shop. The lady (who works there) and I chat a lot.' – Abdullah Zaidi ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW Favourite hidden gem 'There's a place called Taqueria Vegana (1543 Dupont St.) — they do vegan tacos. I kid you not, they make the best vegan birria tacos — even my boyfriend who eats meat loves them.' – Shriya Agnihotri 'Accent and Co. (8 Spadina Ave.) in the Well – am I on the Well's payroll? – it's a shop that (curates products) from locall -owned businesses. It's a perfect spot to pick up a little something for yourself or a loved one.' – Emily Durham 'Han Moto (2 Lakeview Ave.). It's this hole-in-the-wall Asian fusion restaurant.' – Tara Sigari The exterior of the Drake Hotel on Queen Street in Toronto. Courtesy of Doublespace photography 'The Drake Hotel (1150 Queen St. E.) has this corner bar in the new lobby that they built. It's tucked away and people don't really notice it. My partner and I love to go have a drink there sometimes after work or on the weekend.' – Spencer West 'Hong Kong Bistro Café (472 Dundas St. W.) in Chinatown, on the second floor. It serves up classic Hong Kong diner style food – a byproduct of the British era of Hong Kong, it has the Western influence and Chinese influence in one dish.' – Clement Leung 'Rick's Good Eats (6660 Kennedy R. #1) in Mississauga. It is chef's kiss. It's Indian fusion food, so Indian and Canadian combined. So, think butter chicken poutine, butter chicken burgers.' Reni – Odetoyinbo ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW Whats your favourite touristy thing to do? 'Visit Kandl in Yorkville (88 Avenue Rd.). Last time I went I made a candle and named it ' Fire and Desire ' after one of my favourite Drake songs.' – Shriya Agnihotri A Great Blue Heron, Ardea herodias, flies along the shore at the Leslie Street Spit. Steve Russell / Toronto Star 'I enjoy going to Leslie Street Spit (1 Leslie St.). Lots of cool nature, birds and great for riding bikes.' – Clement Leung 'The City Sightseeing Tour. My family came to visit me last year, and they've never been to Toronto, so I got to show them around on the hop-on hop off bus, and it was so much fun. I've lived here my whole life and It was my first time seeing Toronto as a tourist, and I learned so much!' – Reni Odetoyinbo Where do you find inspiration? 'Walking the streets of West Queen West – you're surrounded by people with incredible and unique fashion sense.' – Emily Durham 'I spend a lot of my time at home, hanging out with my dog and just chilling.' – Shriya Agnihotri 'This is going to sound weird, but sometimes I actually just drive down Major Mac and Dufferin (in Vaughan). When I was young, I lived there, and I still get inspired by that kid who really wanted it all and was just doing everything in life to make it happen. Sometimes I like to drive in that area just to remind myself, give myself a little push.' – Tara Sigari ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW 'I'll usually just go for a stroll in the city with no direction in mind, and see where I end up.' – Spencer West. 'I like to go to Kensington Market, but mainly to meet with other creators. We have coffee, we jam on things – that's where I get inspiration.' – Clement Leung 'It has to be the Ossington-Dundas neighborhood. It's just good people watching, it's more eclectic than being in a downtown Toronto neighbourhood. There's great food there. It has a very kind of inner city vibe without feeling stuffy.' – Lisa Corbo 'I like to sit in the park and stare at people.' – Jacob Balshin 'Sankofa Square (formerly Yonge-Dundas Square) is so much fun. There's so much going on in every corner.' – Abdullah Zaidi 'The waterfront. You can clear your mind if you're having a bad day, or even if you're having a good day: just sitting there, people watching and enjoying the scenery. The waves keep on rolling and you gotta too.' – Brendan Carpenter
