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ABC News
4 days ago
- Health
- ABC News
Why women get bored with sex long before their male partners
Women who have lost interest in having sex with their partner may assume they don't like sex anymore. "The majority of women in long-term heteronormative relationships do tend to lose interest in sex earlier than the male partner," says Johanna Waugh, a provisional psychosexual therapist based in Sydney/Gadigal Country. And they often blame themselves. "A common internal narrative may be: 'What's wrong with me? I used to enjoy sex. Why don't I want it anymore?'" says Ms Waugh. But research shows it's less about not wanting sex and more about being bored with the sex available to them. It seems the same doesn't happen for men — at least, not as early into the relationship. Social researcher and author Wednesday Martin has previously told the ABC at least six longitudinal studies — in total tens of thousands of adults in the age range of 18 to 70 — showed "consistently that in a long-term committed exclusive relationship, women stop wanting to have sex in years one to four". Whereas men, she says, are "pretty happy having sex with their long-term partners for nine or 12 years without reporting boredom". Women crave novelty and excitement in the bedroom, says Ms Waugh, and the burden of mental load doesn't help to increase their sexual interest, either. Esther Perel, a psychotherapist who has spent years studying intimacy and monogamy, has been quoted as saying while men's sexual desire in long-term relationships declines gradually over the years, women's "plummets". "It's always been translated as, 'Well, that's because women care less about sex', rather than 'It's because women care less about the sex they can have in their committed relationships, which is often not interesting enough for them.'" One study from 2012 found for women only, lack of interest in sex was higher among those in a relationship of more than one year in duration. Research from 2018 found the longer the duration of the relationship, the more relationship quality could influence sexual desire in women. And while a 2023 study found sexual boredom to be more common for men in heterosexual long-term relationships, they still had high sexual desire for their partner overall, whereas women's desire for their partner declined as their boredom increased. Ms Waugh says without "effort or novelty", women's sexual desire can wane over time. In addition to the role monotony plays in this picture, researchers are increasingly looking at how the mental load factors into it. A study from Swinburne University of Technology in 2022 found that growing inequity over the course of a relationship was often at the root. Women are largely responsible for the "invisible and visible" work in the home, says Coby Baker, a sexologist in Melbourne/Naarm and south-west Victoria. "Women, generally speaking, take on more things like doing the kids' school lunches, pick-up and drop-off, thinking about the mother-in-law's birthday present. "Sex just becomes another thing on the to-do list." In relationships where household and caring duties are divided more equally, she says women are "more physically and emotionally available for sex". Having to parent a partner, rather than being able to nurture an emotional connection, can also kill sex drive, says Ms Baker. More broadly, she says the predictability of day-to-day life means the excitement of that early spark in the relationship fades. This is especially true for women, who are more likely to experience responsive desire (sexual desire that arises in response to stimulation or arousal, rather than spontaneously). Ms Baker says while some women experiencing a lack of desire or sexual dissatisfaction may choose to end or open the relationship, or even have an affair, the more common outcome is "putting up with bad sex". "They give men sex because they are tired of being nagged for it. Then they start to become resentful." Ms Waugh says many women aren't taught to prioritise their own pleasure, and instead treat sex as something they give rather than get to enjoy. She says many women want to change things, but aren't sure how to approach it. "They don't want to be unhappy. They want more. They want a partner that understands them and their needs." Ms Baker says women should remember low desire isn't something that needs to be "fixed". The Swinburne University research mentioned earlier found that while relationship inequities may have affected dyadic desire (the sexual desire one feels for another), they didn't significantly impact solo desire, which is individual feelings. "This suggests women's low desire isn't an internal sexual problem to be treated with mindfulness and jade eggs, but rather one that needs effort from both partners," the authors wrote. Many couples do find their way back when this issue is met with curiosity instead of criticism, says Ms Waugh. "Create a safe space to have an open conversation. It's important not to shame … but share your needs, frustrations, fears and longing. "Both partners need to be willing to explore their needs and identify the patterns." She says some couples may benefit from moving away from "strict ideas" of what sex should be and discussing other ways to be intimate. "Explore what sex means to each partner to find the connection." She says couples can introduce novelty back into the relationship by visiting a sex shop or going on date nights, for example. Ms Baker recommends couples be selective when choosing a time to talk about their sex life. "Not right in the middle of an argument," she says as an example. "Perhaps after dinner, when the kids have gone to bed." For women struggling with the mental load, Ms Waugh says men may be able to take on more of the workload. "A woman is more likely to rekindle desire when she feels heard and unburdened." If conversations are going nowhere, Ms Waugh recommends seeking support through a professional, which may include a couple's counsellor, sexologist or psychosexual therapist.
The Guardian
17-07-2025
- Lifestyle
- The Guardian
The best wedding gifts in the US: 64 thoughtful and fun ideas they'll actually want
Whether you're building your first online registry or a guest staring at someone else's wish list wondering what on earth to choose, coming up with the perfect wedding gift ideas can feel overwhelming. What makes the perfect present, anyway? The Guardian's journalism is independent. We will earn a commission if you buy something through an affiliate link. Learn more. When my husband and I got married in the red rocks of Moab, Utah this past May, we made a slightly controversial choice: no registry. Our guests were flying in from around the world, and we didn't want to ask for more. But months later, I found myself dreaming of all the things that would've made our newlywed life easier – like a really nice set of sheets or a monthly coffee bean delivery. For this guide to 64 wedding gifts with flair, I've drawn on insights from registry platform insiders, event planners, and editors at wedding publications – plus 11 recent (or soon-to-be) newlyweds who've been there and done that. It's also based on my own experience as a longtime reviewer of food and lifestyle products. I've learned that the best gifts don't all have to be expensive, made of plastic, or even brand new. As you'll see, there are so many ways to get a favorite couple something thoughtful – and unlikely to be duplicated. All prices current at the time of publication. Where Should We Begin – A Game of Stories $40 at Esther Perel$34.99 at Amazon It's easy to become consumed by wedding planning. These conversation cards are designed by relationship therapist Esther Perel and are a great way to reconnect after the big day – sparking connection, vulnerability, and the kind of stories you don't usually tell over dinner. Everyday bowls $44 at East Fork$44 at Urban Natural Home 'These beautiful North Carolina-made bowls come in a rainbow of colors and we truly use them every day,' says Margo Sivin, who married her partner in Hudson, New York last fall. Not only do East Fork dishes stand up to everyday life, the company also donates 1% of sales to grassroots partners such as Rural Organizing and Resilience (ROAR), which supported Hurricane Helene recovery. Vintage ceramic vases Varying prices on Etsy Alexander Rigby's mom gifted them a striking vintage hanging vase, adorned with what looks like a Mesoamerican-inspired design. 'We had tons of dried flowers at our wedding, so it worked really well to display some of the ones we kept,' says Rigby, who married his now-husband in Grove City, Pennsylvania last fall. Etsy is a wedding-gift goldmine. JBL Go 4 speaker $49.95 at JBL$49.99 at Best Buy For the soundtrack to adventures. My husband and I take this little guy everywhere – camping, road trips, and paddleboarding around Utah. It's waterproof and shockingly loud for the size. A small-but-mighty speaker that always comes through. Keith Haring chess set $38 at MoMA$55 at NYHistory Store Not your typical checkmate. Designed by Keith Haring and produced by Vilac for MoMA, game- and gallery-lovers will appreciate the quirky, energetic figures: barking dogs as pawns, castle-like human forms, and Haring's signature figures brimming with movement and joy. Home Depot gift card $5-$1,000 at Home Depot$25-$500 at Amazon Not the sexiest gift – but eminently useful for light fixtures, bathroom renovations, a compost setup, or anything else a newly nesting couple could want. Ross Yoder, who lives in New York and married in 2023, got one for Christmas and wishes he'd thought to add it to a wedding registry. 'It allowed us to mindfully splurge on the sink faucet of our dreams,' he says. Micola seafood side plate $12.95 at Anthropologie Cimran Virdi, who lives in Salt Lake City and is getting married this summer, is coveting these colorful sardine plates. They're dishwasher-safe, hand‑painted with whimsical motifs, and look like something swiped from a seaside café in Greece. HigherDOSE Serotonin Soak $25 at Sephora$39 at HigherDOSE For the couple who loves a long, luxurious soak. Though I can't comment on the brand's elaborate scientific claims, this blend of Zechstein salt, French green clay, and apple cider vinegar can create a moment of calm amid the whirlwind of logistics. King Arthur Brotforms $29.95 at King Arthur For couples who dream of crusty sourdough on lazy Sunday mornings, these beautiful baskets make it official. 'Employee-owned King Arthur Baking Company is our go-to for all things baking,' says Sivin. 'These brotforms, or proofing baskets, felt like a classic and special wedding gift.' Framebridge gift card $25–$1,000 at Framebridge Emily Forrest, recent newlywed and head of communications at Zola, an online wedding planning platform, used a registry cash fund to custom-frame one of her favorite wedding photos through Framebridge, an online service that makes it easy to turn meaningful moments into wall-worthy art. 'It now hangs beautifully in our bedroom,' she says. HAY door mat $50 at MoMA Design Store$46.70 at Finnish Design Shop It might sound too utilitarian, but this doormat from HAY is genuinely joyful. Made from durable jute and wool with bold colorblocking and contrast edging, it turns an everyday object into a subtle design flex. It's sturdy enough for snowy boots and chic enough for apartment entryways. BODHA smokeless incense $40 at BODHA$40 at Free People Each stick burns for 25 minutes without smoke, offering scents like Ground (cedar, hinoki, frankincense) and Calm (lavender, clary sage, rosewood). I love receiving incense. It's a reminder to unwind with my husband after our long workdays. Venchi Chocoviar Pistachio $15 at Venchi$42 at Amazon I used to treat myself to these little pistachio-filled Venchi chocolates every time I passed Eataly in New York, and they still feel like an indulgence. Creamy, crunchy, just the right amount of sweet – they make a regular Wednesday on the couch with my husband feel like a treat. Pressed Floral digital gift card $50-$600 at Pressed Floral 'This would be a nice way to memorialize the wedding flowers I'm spending a lot on,' says Virdi, who's still in the planning phase. A Pressed Floral gift card lets the couple turn their bouquets into lasting art or keepsake jewelry. Table for Two by Bre Graham $13.55 at Amazon$23.24 at A love letter to cooking. Full of intimate, unfussy recipes meant for slow mornings, date nights, and everything in between – this cookbook is romantic without being saccharine and makes you want to light a candle for no reason. Custom illustration Varying prices on Etsy One of Rigby's friends surprised them with a custom portrait by artist Dan Poharyskyi. Centered on a scene inspired by their engagement photo, the artwork also weaves in their favorite Pittsburgh spots, a playful likeness of their Portuguese water dog, Copper, and a sweet depiction of their home. Think about places, pets, or moments that matter most to your friends when commissioning illustrations – it's the kind of personal touch that makes a gift truly unforgettable. Sonya 5L Electric Dual-Sided Hot Pot $68.99 at Amazon$58.95 at Walmart Ben Grund, who's getting married in Brooklyn this September, grew up celebrating Chinese New Year with hot pot – a communal meal where a bubbling pot of broth sits at the center of the table and everyone cooks thin slices of meat, seafood, and vegetables right at the table. 'Some of my siblings have one, but we don't own one yet,' he says. This electric version is perfect for cozy dinners or festive feasts where everyone cooks together right at the table. Phaidon's The Silver Spoon $54.95 at Phaidon$54.95 at Barnes and Noble An iconic Italian cookbook filled with over 2,000 recipes. 'What's more fun for two people who like cooking than flipping through the pages and picking out new recipes to try together?' says Amanda Knuppel, who lives in Los Angeles and married her now-husband last spring. Misen 10-Inch stainless steel frying pan $99 at Misen$99.99 at Amazon 'That set of trendy pans in your registry is going to be toast in the next two years,' says Yoder. Instead, fry eggs on this professional-grade skillet for decades. It offers excellent heat retention and longevity – without the chemical coating that comes with many nonstick alternatives. 12-month History By Mail subscription $78 at Uncommon Goods$78 for one year at History by Mail For the pair who'd rather nerd out on revolutionary war love letters than binge reality TV, this subscription sends fascinating historical documents (and the stories behind them) right to their mailbox. Nothing says new love like spending an evening with Albert Einstein or the suffragettes. Dusen Dusen multicolor house stripe towel set $60 at SSENSE Made in Portugal, these ultra-plush cotton towels bring a bold pop of color to everyday life. The three-piece set includes two hand towels and a washcloth, all finished with Dusen Dusen's signature playful stripes. Ali Bonar, who lives in Cleveland and is marrying in Italy this summer, loves them for creating more 'magic in the mundane'. Viski Reserve European crystal wine decanter $56.24 at Nordstrom$23.99 at Amazon This elegant, lead‑free crystal decanter not only looks stunning – it gives wine room to breathe, unlocking richer aromas and smoother flavors. The decanter holds a full bottle (up to 65oz) and the thick crystal feels durable enough for regular use yet refined enough for dinner parties. Camelbak Hydration Pack $75 at Camelbak$44.72 at Amazon I hiked across Japan with one of these babies, and it never let me down. Durable and lightweight, it's ideal for the adventurous couple who'd always rather be on a trail. Atlas Coffee Club subscription $55-$189 at Atlas Coffee Club My husband and I can't agree on what's the correct shade of coffee, but we can agree on it being an essential part of our morning routine. Meaning: this is my dream wedding gift. Each month, Atlas Coffee sends beans from a new country, along with tasting notes and a postcard from the region. It's guaranteed to turn sleepy mornings into mini adventures. Jonathan Adler Versailles coaster set $85 at Jonathan Adler$59.99 at Amazon Equal parts functional and fabulous. 'We didn't really need anything home supply-wise, so it was fun to add artful pieces that spoke to our style,' says Caitlin Corcoran, who got married in New York City last fall. 'Bold, bright, and a great keepsake – they're always out on our coffee table for daily enjoyment.' Vintage cast iron cookware Varying prices on Etsy Cast iron only gets better with age, so why not let someone else do the hard work of seasoning it? Etsy is full of gorgeous old skillets and Dutch ovens that are virtually nonstick and ready to go. It's the kind of forever piece the couple can use for Sunday pancakes now – and pass down decades from today. Crate & Barrel Carson 12-inch acacia wood salad serving bowl $59.95 at Crate and Barrel Made from grained acacia wood, this serving bowl brings homey style to even the most last-minute dinner party. 'This gorgeous bowl is now a staple in my home,' says Forrest. 'It instantly elevates any bowl of mixed greens – even if you just poured them out of a plastic container and didn't tell your guests.' Addison Ross white enamel and gold frame $62 at Addison Ross$62 at Amazon A classic frame might not scream 'exciting gift', but it becomes deeply meaningful once the wedding photos come in. As Knuppel puts it: 'This was a sleeper that seemed like a boring choice at first but proved to be one of the more satisfying gifts when all the dust settled.' Milk Street Nakiri knife by Christopher Kimball $69.95 at Milk Street Store$49.95 at Amazon Now this is a knife. Inspired by Japanese vegetable knives, the thin, ultra-sharp blade makes quick work of everything from sweet potatoes to fresh herbs, while the well-shaped handle ensures comfort during long prep sessions. The Pantry Refresh $63 at Diaspora Co My favorite spice company, hands down. Diaspora Co partners with small farms across South Asia to source single-origin spices that are so fresh they'll ruin grocery store jars forever. Every spice is pesticide-free, regeneratively grown, and never irradiated, and the farmers are paid fair wages. This bundle comes with their six best-sellers, such as peppery turmeric and earthy coriander. Nature Spring round steel outdoor fire pit $99.95 at Target$80.93 at Lowe's There's something instantly festive about a fire pit – whether you're toasting marshmallows, gathering friends, or just stargazing in your backyard. 'I was skeptical when my husband added this to the list because it's not a typical registry item, but it was a game-changer and he was right,' says Knuppel. 'This is the thing that finally got us throwing barbecues.' Miami Fruit variety box $127 at Miami Fruit$129.95 at GoldBelly Packed with tropical gems you won't see at the local supermarket, Miami Fruit's curated boxes are a fun way to bring a little wanderlust into the kitchen. Each delivery is stuffed with sun-drenched tropical delicacies, such as velvety cherimoya, tangy starfruit, and guavas that taste like vacation. MacKenzie-Childs Courtly Check tea kettle $169.95 at MacKenzie-Childs$169.95 at Williams Sonoma Made from heavy-gauge enameled steel and hand-painted in a black-and-white check pattern with a bronzed rim and sculptural knob. Bonar says she's excited to use it 'for French press coffee or nightly tea'. (Note: not compatible with induction stoves.) One-year MasterClass subscription Starting at $120 per year at MasterClass From cooking with Thomas Keller to writing with Margaret Atwood, a MasterClass subscription is basically a backstage pass to bettering yourself (aka, the constant work of a marriage). This is the ultimate gift for couples who love learning together – or just want to binge Stanley Tucci talking about pasta on a lazy weekend date night. AeroGarden Harvest Elite $124.95 at AeroGarden in sage$56.01 at Amazon in stainless steel For couples who love the idea of growing tomatoes and fresh herbs but always forget to water them. This little indoor garden basically raises itself – just drop in the seed pods, add water, and let the built-in lights do their thing. It's like having a tiny farmers' market on your kitchen counter, year-round. Kelty Low loveseat $129.95 at Amazon$129.95 at REI When Moab-based wedding planner Lauren Larson married her partner last year, they opted for a honeymoon fund over a traditional registry. But one friend got it right with this portable two-seater camping chair they now take on every river trip. 'It was one of those camping comfort items that we would have never bought for ourselves,' says Larson. Fiddle leaf fig $149 at The Sill A classic for a reason. Virdi is eyeing this handsome houseplant, which adds instant character to any room with its big, glossy leaves – and grows right alongside the couple. Rena taper cast iron candle holders $119 at Pottery Barn These sculptural cast iron taper holders instantly warm up a room. 'Quirky candlesticks, or any other styling pieces for a dining tablescape, are a wonderful registry treat,' says Knuppel. 'Whenever we sit down with friends or family for dinner at our home, it feels like the person who gave us these is joining the feast.' Olympus Stylus Epic (Mju-II) From $150 on eBay My husband and I shoot a lot of film, and there's nothing like the surprise of seeing how our memories turn out weeks later. This tiny point-and-shoot camera is always available on secondhand sites such as eBay. And it's legendary for a reason: pocket-sized, weatherproof, and packs a shockingly sharp lens. Perfect for not overthinking the shot on the honeymoon. Nespresso VertuoPlus Deluxe coffee and espresso machine $199.99 at Nespresso$139.26 at Sur la table This multitasking machine brews both espresso and coffee with a single touch – and looks sleek doing it. 'My husband knows not to speak to me before my Nespresso is done,' says Forrest. 'This machine is an absolute must if, like me, you need coffee in your veins the second you wake up. It takes just a few clicks, and the coffee is so good.' (Are coffee pods worse for the environment than filter coffee? Surprisingly, perhaps not.) Susan Alexandra challah cover $130 at Susan Alexandra This hand-embroidered cotton challah cover brings personality to the Shabbat table. 'I liked this one because it's fancy without being too stuffy or formal,' says Bonar. Curly vase $195 at MoMA Design Store Whimsical without being twee, this sculptural glass vase makes even a single grocery-store tulip feel like a moment. A nice little reminder for a couple to buy flowers for each other. Fellow Stagg EKG Electric Kettle $199.95 at Fellow$165 at Amazon With its sleek gooseneck spout, minimalist silhouette and pinpoint temperature control, this cult-favorite kettle more than earns its reputation. I tried one at a friend's place recently and was instantly won over – it's fast, quiet, and surprisingly satisfying to use. Emile Henry large storage bowl in burgundy $189.40 at Amazon$199.95 at Emile Henry This is one of those classic kitchen gifts that's secretly genius. Made in France from Burgundy clay, the 4.7-quart ceramic base keeps produce fresh, while the cork lid doubles as a second serving or display bowl. Suga C2G yoga mat $189 at Suga For couples that flow together, this yoga mat is dense, grippy, and made from recycled wetsuits – perfect for their shared morning stretches or weekend classes. Plus if you purchase the 'cradle to grave' option, the company promises a replacement 'if your mat ever wears out'. Great Jones hot dish $105 at Great Jones I didn't expect to fall in love with a casserole dish, but here we are. My mother-in-law got me a Hot Dish for my birthday and it's sturdy, beautiful, and deceptively versatile – handling everything from baked pasta to crisped-up cobbler. It also feels fancy enough for dinner parties but gets just as much use on a random Tuesday night. Calpak Ambeur 20-inch Carry-On Spinner $215 at Zola$245 at Calpak Perfect for weekend getaways or honeymoon hauls, this compact carry-on features a durable hard-shell body and 360-degree spinner wheels. 'It's super light, which is perfect for me as I'm a chronic over-packer,' says Forrest. It's also expandable, in case you 'shop too much on vacation and you have to expand it for the way home (guilty)'. Brooklinen down comforter $254.15 at Brooklinen Plush and breathable, this cotton-shelled comforter will make the couple feel as though they're sleeping in a literal cloud. 'For the guests who underwrite it, just know that the newlyweds will think about you every night while they fall into a deep slumber,' says Yoder. Shark PowerDetect Clean & Empty IP3251 $429.99 at Amazon$429.99 at Shark Sivin listed a quality handheld vacuum in her registry. 'I think my parents still have their vacuum from the 90s,' she says, and she wanted one equally durable. The Guardian's top pick: the Shark IP3251, which comes with a base station that doubles as a stand and charging dock. The docking station doubles as a receptacle for the vacuum's contents, leaving it empty and ready for its next use. Sol Y Sombra coffee cup and saucer $480 at Amazon$480 at Grayson Living Designed by Christian Lacroix for Portuguese porcelain house Vista Alegre, these coffee cups are as much art as they are drinkware – featuring a butterfly hidden inside the cup. 'This is something I typically wouldn't splurge on in everyday life,' says Corcoran, but 'they'll become a part of a collection that we pass down to future generations'. KitchenAid Artisan stand mixer $379.99 at Amazon$379.99 at KitchenAid A design icon with serious utility, this five-quart stand mixer handles everything from bread dough to whipped cream with ease – and looks good doing it. 'This was a group gift from a handful of aunties,' says Knuppel. 'Despite loving to cook, at age 35 I didn't have a proper stand mixer. These days, I'm not sure how I lived without it.' Bless wooden extension cord $260 at SSENSE A gift for the couple who hate clutter. Crafted by Berlin-based design studio Bless, this artful extension cord turns a mundane household object into a centerpiece. White cables are threaded through polished wooden beads for a genius organization hack. Technivorm Moccamaster 53941 KBGV Select $349 at Amazon$359.95 at Williams Sonoma 'We make drip coffee every single morning – whoever's awake first usually starts the pot,' says Firkser. The Moccamaster has long been on their wish list. With a cone-shaped basket that draws out all the complexity of the beans and a hotplate that adjusts to how much you've brewed, it's a splurge-worthy upgrade. The Guardian also recommends it as the best option for drip coffee. Sabre Bistro flatware set (20 pieces) $479.95 at Williams SonomaFrom $322 at Sabre Paris This trés chic lineup, made in France, is also durable enough to toss in the dishwasher – and use for decades. 'Drinking glasses shatter, plates and bowls chip, but nice-ass cutlery is forever,' says Yoder. For a timeless table setting that won't need replacing, this is the set to beat. Crosley C62C turntable with speakers $214.95 at Amazon A modern take on a vintage essential, this two-speed turntable comes with built-in speakers and a sleek walnut veneer plinth – a nice pick for couples who have merged their vinyl collections. 'We've always wanted a record player, but never took the plunge,' says Corcoran. 'We added it to the registry and I'm so happy we did.' The Boardsmith Maple End Grain cutting board $240 at Amazon$230 at The Boardsmith Made in Texas from sustainably harvested hardwoods, this cutting board is beautiful, easy on knives and built for a lifetime. 'I didn't ask for this one, but I sure wish I did,' says Yoder. 'A well-made cutting board is the ultimate little luxury.' Vera Wang Wedgwood lace gold dinnerware set $490 at Macy's With delicate detailing, this dinnerware set can zhuzh up a celebration. 'I'm not a firm believer in the 'you must register for wedding china' lore,' says Forrest. 'But my grandmother passed down a set of gold wedding china to me, and it felt really special to register for a set that looked similar to hers that could sit on the same holiday table.' West Elm linen sheet set $269-$309 at West Elm Woven from European flax, these linen sheets get softer with every wash. As Kirsten Palladino, co-founder of the online LGBTQ+ magazine Equally Wed, puts it: 'If there's a wedding gift that I'd say everyone uses and appreciates, it's a set of high-quality sheets in a neutral color or pattern.' Hold Everything ironing board $219.95 at Williams Sonoma Who knew an ironing board could feel… stylish? This minimalist upgrade folds flat for easy storage, wheels effortlessly around the house, and looks good enough to leave out. A surprisingly luxe gift for couples who appreciate a crisp collar. Ooni Koda 12 gas pizza oven $399 at Amazon$399 at Ooni USA 'Once we're married, we really have to host some sick pizza nights,' says Virdi. The Ooni Koda is the secret: it runs on propane, heats up in minutes, and cranks out restaurant-level pies with perfectly blistered crusts. Compact and easy to store, it's the ideal sidekick for a woodsy weekend away. A spa day for the post-honeymoon crash It's the part no one warns you about: you get back from your dreamy honeymoon… and immediately feel like collapsing. 'An endless pile of thank-you cards to write! Back to work!' says Yoder. A spa day can help. A cash fund that buys core memories 'As a couple who has lived together for a few years pre-wedding – we really didn't need more stuff,' says Corcoran. So the couple added a handful of experience-based cash funds to their registry. One of the most memorable? A tea ceremony in Kyoto, where they 'learned about the traditional art of making matcha'. Sewing classes at a local craft store 'We wanted to allow people to give us the gift of experiences that are right in our backyard, so we asked for gift cards for classes at our local craft store, Beetle & Fred, in Beacon,' says Sivin. It's a sweet way to keep the fun of the wedding going long after the last slice of cake. Charitable donations Registry sites like Zola make it easy to steer guests toward good causes. 'Our instructions were pretty simple: no presents, just presence,' says Anikah Shaokat, who married her husband in New Orleans earlier this year. 'But if they were so inclined, we asked them to donate in our name to a list of organizations.' Many charities are assessed and rated at Charity Navigator. You could also choose a local cause that you know is close to the couple's heart. What makes a good wedding gift? 'I think the best wedding gift is the one the couple actually asked for,' says Forrest. Meaning, something on a registry, if a couple has one. She loves buying the most practical gift on the list, like a trash can or a steamer: 'So many guests worry that everyday items aren't as meaningful, but to me, the best gift is the one that will be used all the time.' Bonar, the Cleveland local who's getting married this July in Italy, puts it simply: 'To me, the best registry item is something you want, but wouldn't get for yourself.' These are the gifts that feel truly special because they represent a little luxury or upgrade the couple might not splurge on otherwise. How much should I spend on a wedding gift? This age-old question has plagued me before so many friends' weddings. And the annoying news? There's no single right answer. 'Find a gift that feels comfortable for your current financial situation,' says Palladino, of Equally Wed. It sounds obvious, but it's true. Forrest, who authors Zola's trend reports, suggests a practical range: 'Most guests aim to spend about $100 to $150 on a wedding gift, but that number definitely fluctuates depending on a variety of factors,' like what your relationship is like to the couple, whether you've already dished out for a shower, bachelor or bachelorette weekend, and how much you have to spend just to attend the wedding. Can I go rogue, or must I use the registry? Short answer: Unless you plan to give cash, which is always welcome, it's usually best to stick to the script. Forrest learned this lesson personally. 'Between my shower and my wedding, I got at least three cheese boards I didn't register for,' she says. 'And I've used zero of them, because I had already registered for the one I really wanted.' If you still want to buy something else, or there's nothing on the list within your budget, going rogue might make sense. Our list above should help. Ali Francis is a journalist and recent newlywed with extensive experience reviewing products for publications such as Self, Domino, and Bon Appétit. Her work often explores how what we buy connects to culture and identity. She lives in Salt Lake City, where she's authoring her forthcoming book, The Curious Lives of Vegetables.
The Guardian
17-07-2025
- Lifestyle
- The Guardian
The best wedding gifts in the US: 64 thoughtful and fun ideas they'll actually want
Whether you're building your first online registry or a guest staring at someone else's wish list wondering what on earth to choose, coming up with the perfect wedding gift ideas can feel overwhelming. What makes the perfect present, anyway? When my husband and I got married in the red rocks of Moab, Utah this past May, we made a slightly controversial choice: no registry. Our guests were flying in from around the world, and we didn't want to ask for more. But months later, I found myself dreaming of all the things that would've made our newlywed life easier – like a really nice set of sheets or a monthly coffee bean delivery. For this guide to 64 wedding gifts with flair, I've drawn on insights from registry platform insiders, event planners, and editors at wedding publications – plus 11 recent (or soon-to-be) newlyweds who've been there and done that. It's also based on my own experience as a longtime reviewer of food and lifestyle products. I've learned that the best gifts don't all have to be expensive, made of plastic, or even brand new. As you'll see, there are so many ways to get a favorite couple something thoughtful – and unlikely to be duplicated. All prices current at the time of publication. Where Should We Begin – A Game of Stories $40 at Esther Perel$34.99 at Amazon It's easy to become consumed by wedding planning. These conversation cards are designed by relationship therapist Esther Perel and are a great way to reconnect after the big day – sparking connection, vulnerability, and the kind of stories you don't usually tell over dinner. Everyday bowls $44 at East Fork$44 at Urban Natural Home 'These beautiful North Carolina-made bowls come in a rainbow of colors and we truly use them every day,' says Margo Sivin, who married her partner in Hudson, New York last fall. Not only do East Fork dishes stand up to everyday life, the company also donates 1% of sales to grassroots partners such as Rural Organizing and Resilience (ROAR), which supported Hurricane Helene recovery. Vintage ceramic vases Varying prices on Etsy Alexander Rigby's mom gifted them a striking vintage hanging vase, adorned with what looks like a Mesoamerican-inspired design. 'We had tons of dried flowers at our wedding, so it worked really well to display some of the ones we kept,' says Rigby, who married his now-husband in Grove City, Pennsylvania last fall. Etsy is a wedding-gift goldmine. JBL Go 4 speaker $49.95 at JBL$49.99 at Best Buy For the soundtrack to adventures. My husband and I take this little guy everywhere – camping, road trips, and paddleboarding around Utah. It's waterproof and shockingly loud for the size. A small-but-mighty speaker that always comes through. Keith Haring chess set $38 at MoMA$55 at NYHistory Store Not your typical checkmate. Designed by Keith Haring and produced by Vilac for MoMA, game- and gallery-lovers will appreciate the quirky, energetic figures: barking dogs as pawns, castle-like human forms, and Haring's signature figures brimming with movement and joy. Home Depot gift card $5-$1,000 at Home Depot$25-$500 at Amazon Not the sexiest gift – but eminently useful for light fixtures, bathroom renovations, a compost setup, or anything else a newly nesting couple could want. Ross Yoder, who lives in New York and married in 2023, got one for Christmas and wishes he'd thought to add it to a wedding registry. 'It allowed us to mindfully splurge on the sink faucet of our dreams,' he says. Micola seafood side plate $12.95 at Anthropologie Cimran Virdi, who lives in Salt Lake City and is getting married this summer, is coveting these colorful sardine plates. They're dishwasher-safe, hand‑painted with whimsical motifs, and look like something swiped from a seaside café in Greece. HigherDOSE Serotonin Soak $25 at Sephora$39 at HigherDOSE For the couple who loves a long, luxurious soak. Though I can't comment on the brand's elaborate scientific claims, this blend of Zechstein salt, French green clay, and apple cider vinegar can create a moment of calm amid the whirlwind of logistics. King Arthur Brotforms $29.95 at King Arthur For couples who dream of crusty sourdough on lazy Sunday mornings, these beautiful baskets make it official. 'Employee-owned King Arthur Baking Company is our go-to for all things baking,' says Sivin. 'These brotforms, or proofing baskets, felt like a classic and special wedding gift.' Framebridge gift card $25–$1,000 at Framebridge Emily Forrest, recent newlywed and head of communications at Zola, an online wedding planning platform, used a registry cash fund to custom-frame one of her favorite wedding photos through Framebridge, an online service that makes it easy to turn meaningful moments into wall-worthy art. 'It now hangs beautifully in our bedroom,' she says. HAY door mat $50 at MoMA Design Store$46.70 at Finnish Design Shop It might sound too utilitarian, but this doormat from HAY is genuinely joyful. Made from durable jute and wool with bold colorblocking and contrast edging, it turns an everyday object into a subtle design flex. It's sturdy enough for snowy boots and chic enough for apartment entryways. BODHA smokeless incense $40 at BODHA$40 at Free People Each stick burns for 25 minutes without smoke, offering scents like Ground (cedar, hinoki, frankincense) and Calm (lavender, clary sage, rosewood). I love receiving incense. It's a reminder to unwind with my husband after our long workdays. Venchi Chocoviar Pistachio $15 at Venchi$42 at Amazon I used to treat myself to these little pistachio-filled Venchi chocolates every time I passed Eataly in New York, and they still feel like an indulgence. Creamy, crunchy, just the right amount of sweet – they make a regular Wednesday on the couch with my husband feel like a treat. Pressed Floral digital gift card$50-$600 at Pressed Floral 'This would be a nice way to memorialize the wedding flowers I'm spending a lot on,' says Virdi, who's still in the planning phase. A Pressed Floral gift card lets the couple turn their bouquets into lasting art or keepsake jewelry. Table for Two by Bre Graham$13.55 at Amazon$23.24 at A love letter to cooking. Full of intimate, unfussy recipes meant for slow mornings, date nights, and everything in between – this cookbook is romantic without being saccharine and makes you want to light a candle for no reason. Custom illustration Varying prices on Etsy One of Rigby's friends surprised them with a custom portrait by artist Dan Poharyskyi. Centered on a scene inspired by their engagement photo, the artwork also weaves in their favorite Pittsburgh spots, a playful likeness of their Portuguese water dog, Copper, and a sweet depiction of their home. Think about places, pets, or moments that matter most to your friends when commissioning illustrations – it's the kind of personal touch that makes a gift truly unforgettable. Sonya 5L Electric Dual-Sided Hot Pot$68.99 at Amazon$58.95 at Walmart Ben Grund, who's getting married in Brooklyn this September, grew up celebrating Chinese New Year with hot pot – a communal meal where a bubbling pot of broth sits at the center of the table and everyone cooks thin slices of meat, seafood, and vegetables right at the table. 'Some of my siblings have one, but we don't own one yet,' he says. This electric version is perfect for cozy dinners or festive feasts where everyone cooks together right at the table. Phaidon's The Silver Spoon $54.95 at Phaidon$54.95 at Barnes and Noble An iconic Italian cookbook filled with over 2,000 recipes. 'What's more fun for two people who like cooking than flipping through the pages and picking out new recipes to try together?' says Amanda Knuppel, who lives in Los Angeles and married her now-husband last spring. Misen 10-Inch stainless steel frying pan $99 at Misen$99.99 at Amazon 'That set of trendy pans in your registry is going to be toast in the next two years,' says Yoder. Instead, fry eggs on this professional-grade skillet for decades. It offers excellent heat retention and longevity – without the chemical coating that comes with many nonstick alternatives. 12-month History By Mail subscription$78 at Uncommon Goods$78 for one year at History by Mail For the pair who'd rather nerd out on revolutionary war love letters than binge reality TV, this subscription sends fascinating historical documents (and the stories behind them) right to their mailbox. Nothing says new love like spending an evening with Albert Einstein or the suffragettes. Dusen Dusen multicolor house stripe towel set$60 at SSENSE Made in Portugal, these ultra-plush cotton towels bring a bold pop of color to everyday life. The three-piece set includes two hand towels and a washcloth, all finished with Dusen Dusen's signature playful stripes. Ali Bonar, who lives in Cleveland and is marrying in Italy this summer, loves them for creating more 'magic in the mundane'. Viski Reserve European crystal wine decanter$56.24 at Nordstrom$23.99 at Amazon This elegant, lead‑free crystal decanter not only looks stunning – it gives wine room to breathe, unlocking richer aromas and smoother flavors. The decanter holds a full bottle (up to 65oz) and the thick crystal feels durable enough for regular use yet refined enough for dinner parties. Camelbak Hydration Pack$75 at Camelbak$44.72 at Amazon I hiked across Japan with one of these babies, and it never let me down. Durable and lightweight, it's ideal for the adventurous couple who'd always rather be on a trail. Atlas Coffee Club subscription$55-$189 at Atlas Coffee Club My husband and I can't agree on what's the correct shade of coffee, but we can agree on it being an essential part of our morning routine. Meaning: this is my dream wedding gift. Each month, Atlas Coffee sends beans from a new country, along with tasting notes and a postcard from the region. It's guaranteed to turn sleepy mornings into mini adventures. Jonathan Adler Versailles coaster set $85 at Jonathan Adler$59.99 at Amazon Equal parts functional and fabulous. 'We didn't really need anything home supply-wise, so it was fun to add artful pieces that spoke to our style,' says Caitlin Corcoran, who got married in New York City last fall. 'Bold, bright, and a great keepsake – they're always out on our coffee table for daily enjoyment.' Vintage cast iron cookware Varying prices on Etsy Cast iron only gets better with age, so why not let someone else do the hard work of seasoning it? Etsy is full of gorgeous old skillets and Dutch ovens that are virtually nonstick and ready to go. It's the kind of forever piece the couple can use for Sunday pancakes now – and pass down decades from today. Crate & Barrel Carson 12-inch acacia wood salad serving bowl $59.95 at Crate and Barrel Made from grained acacia wood, this serving bowl brings homey style to even the most last-minute dinner party. 'This gorgeous bowl is now a staple in my home,' says Forrest. 'It instantly elevates any bowl of mixed greens – even if you just poured them out of a plastic container and didn't tell your guests.' Addison Ross white enamel and gold frame $62 at Addison Ross$62 at Amazon A classic frame might not scream 'exciting gift', but it becomes deeply meaningful once the wedding photos come in. As Knuppel puts it: 'This was a sleeper that seemed like a boring choice at first but proved to be one of the more satisfying gifts when all the dust settled.' Milk Street Nakiri knife by Christopher Kimball $69.95 at Milk Street Store$49.95 at Amazon Now this is a knife. Inspired by Japanese vegetable knives, the thin, ultra-sharp blade makes quick work of everything from sweet potatoes to fresh herbs, while the well-shaped handle ensures comfort during long prep sessions. The Pantry Refresh $63 at Diaspora Co My favorite spice company, hands down. Diaspora Co partners with small farms across South Asia to source single-origin spices that are so fresh they'll ruin grocery store jars forever. Every spice is pesticide-free, regeneratively grown, and never irradiated, and the farmers are paid fair wages. This bundle comes with their six best-sellers, such as peppery turmeric and earthy coriander. Nature Spring round steel outdoor fire pit$99.95 at Target$80.93 at Lowe's There's something instantly festive about a fire pit – whether you're toasting marshmallows, gathering friends, or just stargazing in your backyard. 'I was skeptical when my husband added this to the list because it's not a typical registry item, but it was a game-changer and he was right,' says Knuppel. 'This is the thing that finally got us throwing barbecues.' Miami Fruit variety box $127 at Miami Fruit$129.95 at GoldBelly Packed with tropical gems you won't see at the local supermarket, Miami Fruit's curated boxes are a fun way to bring a little wanderlust into the kitchen. Each delivery is stuffed with sun-drenched tropical delicacies, such as velvety cherimoya, tangy starfruit, and guavas that taste like vacation. MacKenzie-Childs Courtly Check tea kettle $169.95 at MacKenzie-Childs$169.95 at Williams Sonoma Made from heavy-gauge enameled steel and hand-painted in a black-and-white check pattern with a bronzed rim and sculptural knob. Bonar says she's excited to use it 'for French press coffee or nightly tea'. (Note: not compatible with induction stoves.) One-year MasterClass subscription Starting at $120 per year at MasterClass From cooking with Thomas Keller to writing with Margaret Atwood, a MasterClass subscription is basically a backstage pass to bettering yourself (aka, the constant work of a marriage). This is the ultimate gift for couples who love learning together – or just want to binge Stanley Tucci talking about pasta on a lazy weekend date night. AeroGarden Harvest Elite $124.95 at AeroGarden in sage$56.01 at Amazon in stainless steel For couples who love the idea of growing tomatoes and fresh herbs but always forget to water them. This little indoor garden basically raises itself – just drop in the seed pods, add water, and let the built-in lights do their thing. It's like having a tiny farmers' market on your kitchen counter, year-round. Kelty Low loveseat $129.95 at Amazon$129.95 at REI When Moab-based wedding planner Lauren Larson married her partner last year, they opted for a honeymoon fund over a traditional registry. But one friend got it right with this portable two-seater camping chair they now take on every river trip. 'It was one of those camping comfort items that we would have never bought for ourselves,' says Larson. Fiddle leaf fig$149 at The Sill A classic for a reason. Virdi is eyeing this handsome houseplant, which adds instant character to any room with its big, glossy leaves – and grows right alongside the couple. Rena taper cast iron candle holders $119 at Pottery Barn These sculptural cast iron taper holders instantly warm up a room. 'Quirky candlesticks, or any other styling pieces for a dining tablescape, are a wonderful registry treat,' says Knuppel. 'Whenever we sit down with friends or family for dinner at our home, it feels like the person who gave us these is joining the feast.' Olympus Stylus Epic (Mju-II) From $150 on eBay My husband and I shoot a lot of film, and there's nothing like the surprise of seeing how our memories turn out weeks later. This tiny point-and-shoot camera is always available on secondhand sites such as eBay. And it's legendary for a reason: pocket-sized, weatherproof, and packs a shockingly sharp lens. Perfect for not overthinking the shot on the honeymoon. Nespresso VertuoPlus Deluxe coffee and espresso machine $199.99 at Nespresso$139.26 at Sur la table This multitasking machine brews both espresso and coffee with a single touch – and looks sleek doing it. 'My husband knows not to speak to me before my Nespresso is done,' says Forrest. 'This machine is an absolute must if, like me, you need coffee in your veins the second you wake up. It takes just a few clicks, and the coffee is so good.' (Are coffee pods worse for the environment than filter coffee? Surprisingly, perhaps not.) Susan Alexandra challah cover $130 at Susan AlexandraThis hand-embroidered cotton challah cover brings personality to the Shabbat table. 'I liked this one because it's fancy without being too stuffy or formal,' says Bonar. Curly vase $195 at MoMA Design Store Whimsical without being twee, this sculptural glass vase makes even a single grocery-store tulip feel like a moment. A nice little reminder for a couple to buy flowers for each other. Fellow Stagg EKG Electric Kettle $199.95 at Fellow$165 at Amazon With its sleek gooseneck spout, minimalist silhouette and pinpoint temperature control, this cult-favorite kettle more than earns its reputation. I tried one at a friend's place recently and was instantly won over – it's fast, quiet, and surprisingly satisfying to use. Emile Henry large storage bowl in burgundy $189.40 at Amazon$199.95 at Emile Henry This is one of those classic kitchen gifts that's secretly genius. Made in France from Burgundy clay, the 4.7-quart ceramic base keeps produce fresh, while the cork lid doubles as a second serving or display bowl. Suga C2G yoga mat $189 at Suga For couples that flow together, this yoga mat is dense, grippy, and made from recycled wetsuits – perfect for their shared morning stretches or weekend classes. Plus if you purchase the 'cradle to grave' option, the company promises a replacement 'if your mat ever wears out'. Great Jones hot dish $105 at Great Jones I didn't expect to fall in love with a casserole dish, but here we are. My mother-in-law got me a Hot Dish for my birthday and it's sturdy, beautiful, and deceptively versatile – handling everything from baked pasta to crisped-up cobbler. It also feels fancy enough for dinner parties but gets just as much use on a random Tuesday night. Calpak Ambeur 20-inch Carry-On Spinner $215 at Zola$245 at CalpakPerfect for weekend getaways or honeymoon hauls, this compact carry-on features a durable hard-shell body and 360-degree spinner wheels. 'It's super light, which is perfect for me as I'm a chronic over-packer,' says Forrest. It's also expandable, in case you 'shop too much on vacation and you have to expand it for the way home (guilty)'. Brooklinen down comforter $254.15 at Brooklinen Plush and breathable, this cotton-shelled comforter will make the couple feel as though they're sleeping in a literal cloud. 'For the guests who underwrite it, just know that the newlyweds will think about you every night while they fall into a deep slumber,' says Yoder. Shark PowerDetect Clean & Empty IP3251 $429.99 at Amazon$429.99 at Shark Sivin listed a quality handheld vacuum in her registry. 'I think my parents still have their vacuum from the 90s,' she says, and she wanted one equally durable. The Guardian's top pick: the Shark IP3251, which comes with a base station that doubles as a stand and charging dock. The docking station doubles as a receptacle for the vacuum's contents, leaving it empty and ready for its next use. Sol Y Sombra coffee cup and saucer$480 at Amazon$480 at Grayson LivingDesigned by Christian Lacroix for Portuguese porcelain house Vista Alegre, these coffee cups are as much art as they are drinkware – featuring a butterfly hidden inside the cup. 'This is something I typically wouldn't splurge on in everyday life,' says Corcoran, but 'they'll become a part of a collection that we pass down to future generations'. KitchenAid Artisan stand mixer $379.99 at Amazon$379.99 at KitchenAid A design icon with serious utility, this five-quart stand mixer handles everything from bread dough to whipped cream with ease – and looks good doing it. 'This was a group gift from a handful of aunties,' says Knuppel. 'Despite loving to cook, at age 35 I didn't have a proper stand mixer. These days, I'm not sure how I lived without it.' Bless wooden extension cord $260 at SSENSE A gift for the couple who hate clutter. Crafted by Berlin-based design studio Bless, this artful extension cord turns a mundane household object into a centerpiece. White cables are threaded through polished wooden beads for a genius organization hack. Technivorm Moccamaster 53941 KBGV Select $349 at Amazon$359.95 at Williams Sonoma 'We make drip coffee every single morning – whoever's awake first usually starts the pot,' says Firkser. The Moccamaster has long been on their wish list. With a cone-shaped basket that draws out all the complexity of the beans and a hotplate that adjusts to how much you've brewed, it's a splurge-worthy upgrade. The Guardian also recommends it as the best option for drip coffee. Sabre Bistro flatware set (20 pieces) $479.95 at Williams SonomaFrom $322 at Sabre Paris This trés chic lineup, made in France, is also durable enough to toss in the dishwasher – and use for decades. 'Drinking glasses shatter, plates and bowls chip, but nice-ass cutlery is forever,' says Yoder. For a timeless table setting that won't need replacing, this is the set to beat. Crosley C62C turntable with speakers $214.95 at Amazon A modern take on a vintage essential, this two-speed turntable comes with built-in speakers and a sleek walnut veneer plinth – a nice pick for couples who have merged their vinyl collections. 'We've always wanted a record player, but never took the plunge,' says Corcoran. 'We added it to the registry and I'm so happy we did.' The Boardsmith Maple End Grain cutting board $240 at Amazon$230 at The Boardsmith Made in Texas from sustainably harvested hardwoods, this cutting board is beautiful, easy on knives and built for a lifetime. 'I didn't ask for this one, but I sure wish I did,' says Yoder. 'A well-made cutting board is the ultimate little luxury.' Vera Wang Wedgwood lace gold dinnerware set$490 at Macy'sWith delicate detailing, this dinnerware set can zhuzh up a celebration. 'I'm not a firm believer in the 'you must register for wedding china' lore,' says Forrest. 'But my grandmother passed down a set of gold wedding china to me, and it felt really special to register for a set that looked similar to hers that could sit on the same holiday table.' West Elm linen sheet set $269-$309 at West Elm Woven from European flax, these linen sheets get softer with every wash. As Kirsten Palladino, co-founder of the online LGBTQ+ magazine Equally Wed, puts it: 'If there's a wedding gift that I'd say everyone uses and appreciates, it's a set of high-quality sheets in a neutral color or pattern.' Hold Everything ironing board $219.95 at Williams Sonoma Who knew an ironing board could feel… stylish? This minimalist upgrade folds flat for easy storage, wheels effortlessly around the house, and looks good enough to leave out. A surprisingly luxe gift for couples who appreciate a crisp collar. Ooni Koda 12 gas pizza oven $399 at Amazon$399 at Ooni USA'Once we're married, we really have to host some sick pizza nights,' says Virdi. The Ooni Koda is the secret: it runs on propane, heats up in minutes, and cranks out restaurant-level pies with perfectly blistered crusts. Compact and easy to store, it's the ideal sidekick for a woodsy weekend away. A spa day for the post-honeymoon crash It's the part no one warns you about: you get back from your dreamy honeymoon… and immediately feel like collapsing. 'An endless pile of thank-you cards to write! Back to work!' says Yoder. A spa day can help. A cash fund that buys core memories 'As a couple who has lived together for a few years pre-wedding – we really didn't need more stuff,' says Corcoran. So the couple added a handful of experience-based cash funds to their registry. One of the most memorable? A tea ceremony in Kyoto, where they 'learned about the traditional art of making matcha'. Sewing classes at a local craft store 'We wanted to allow people to give us the gift of experiences that are right in our backyard, so we asked for gift cards for classes at our local craft store, Beetle & Fred, in Beacon,' says Sivin. It's a sweet way to keep the fun of the wedding going long after the last slice of cake. Charitable donations Registry sites like Zola make it easy to steer guests toward good causes. 'Our instructions were pretty simple: no presents, just presence,' says Anikah Shaokat, who married her husband in New Orleans earlier this year. 'But if they were so inclined, we asked them to donate in our name to a list of organizations.' Many charities are assessed and rated at Charity Navigator. You could also choose a local cause that you know is close to the couple's heart. What makes a good wedding gift? 'I think the best wedding gift is the one the couple actually asked for,' says Forrest. Meaning, something on a registry, if a couple has one. She loves buying the most practical gift on the list, like a trash can or a steamer: 'So many guests worry that everyday items aren't as meaningful, but to me, the best gift is the one that will be used all the time.' Bonar, the Cleveland local who's getting married this July in Italy, puts it simply: 'To me, the best registry item is something you want, but wouldn't get for yourself.' These are the gifts that feel truly special because they represent a little luxury or upgrade the couple might not splurge on otherwise. How much should I spend on a wedding gift? This age-old question has plagued me before so many friends' weddings. And the annoying news? There's no single right answer. 'Find a gift that feels comfortable for your current financial situation,' says Palladino, of Equally Wed. It sounds obvious, but it's true. Forrest, who authors Zola's trend reports, suggests a practical range: 'Most guests aim to spend about $100 to $150 on a wedding gift, but that number definitely fluctuates depending on a variety of factors,' like what your relationship is like to the couple, whether you've already dished out for a shower, bachelor or bachelorette weekend, and how much you have to spend just to attend the wedding. Can I go rogue, or must I use the registry? Short answer: Unless you plan to give cash, which is always welcome, it's usually best to stick to the script. Forrest learned this lesson personally. 'Between my shower and my wedding, I got at least three cheese boards I didn't register for,' she says. 'And I've used zero of them, because I had already registered for the one I really wanted.' If you still want to buy something else, or there's nothing on the list within your budget, going rogue might make sense. Our list above should help. Ali Francis is a journalist and recent newlywed with extensive experience reviewing products for publications such as Self, Domino, and Bon Appétit. Her work often explores how what we buy connects to culture and identity. She lives in Salt Lake City, where she's authoring her forthcoming book, The Curious Lives of Vegetables.
Yahoo
15-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
I'm a happily married man, but I've been having an affair for the past nine years
Strolling down the Caribbean beach hand in hand with Lizzie*, his wife of 35 years, James* appears the epitome of a loving and attentive husband. But just a few days ago the 63-year-old was in a hotel room with his mistress, Jane*, making passionate love and drinking champagne. For nine long years he's been seeing his lover and has no intention of giving her up and, if he's brutally honest, a part of him wishes it was her hand he was holding instead of Lizzie's. He tells The Telegraph, 'I know that's shocking and, in many ways, a bigger betrayal than the sex. The longevity of my affair and the emotions involved would crucify my wife.' 'She has every reason to believe we're in a happy marriage – all the boxes are ticked, we make each other howl with laughter, we go to bed at the same time every night and chat, we still have sex. 'It's not only my wife but our kids that think we have the ideal marriage. I remember once strolling hand in hand along the river near our home in Henley and them quipping that we were 'sickeningly in love'. They aspire to have a marriage like ours. If my affair was discovered it would destroy them too. 'I do enjoy our life together – it's not a complete farce, I love my wife dearly. I will end up getting old with her sitting on deck chairs, admiring the sunset.' The notion that you can be in a happy marriage and cheat is one that renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel, author of The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity has explored previously. She calls it the 'double life' phenomenon and acknowledges the person having the affair may still love their partner and feel fulfilled in certain ways but are looking for something different. She describes the affair as 'seeking passion, rediscovering freedom or finding an identity' rather than looking to escape a troubled marriage. For James it was the passionate sex he'd enjoyed in his youth that triggered his infidelity. 'My wife and I have sex occasionally, but it's pedestrian and I feel she's going through the motions rather than doing it because she desires me. Her libido is very low,' he says. He met Jane on an extra-marital affairs website in 2016 after deciding he didn't want to live out the rest of his years feeling he was missing out. He admits, 'She's 13 years younger than me and it started with sex and then we discovered we're two peas in a pod. 'I miss her when I'm not with her. I've learnt to compartmentalise rigidly as it's the only way I cope – I put her in a box in my mind and don't allow myself to think about her. I've always been good at that, a bad day at work is forgotten when I leave. If I didn't I'd be miserable and then my wife would question why and the whole thing would come tumbling down. 'I know my wife wants to stay married, she loves me and our lifestyle – she's done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to have it taken away from her.' People would question how his wife hasn't noticed after so long. But in his determination to preserve the illusion James does everything he can to cover his tracks. He and Jane have strict rules about when they text and delete them at the end of every day. They ration their meetings to every week or so, turn off their location history and make sure they meet where they won't bump into anyone. 'Jane's married too and though her reasons for staying with her husband are different, she's equally careful,' says James. 'I truly believe I'm not taking anything away from our marriage, both my wife and lover are happy and so am I. And I'm not a hypocrite, I'd be fine if my wife wanted to play away – but I know she doesn't. I'm sure people will think I'm selfish, but I don't see why my sexual needs are less important than my wife's lack of them.' Relationship counsellor Rhian Kivits, however, is firm that an affair is destructive to a marriage. She says, 'To live this sort of double life you have to be good at compartmentalising and deceit. In general men are more able to do that – women tend to have affairs because they need more emotion and connection, which is harder to compartmentalise. 'To say his wife is happy is a red herring because it's based on false information. She doesn't know that her marriage entails a third party and given the choice she probably wouldn't accept it. If he thought she would then he'd ask about opening up the relationship.' Rhian knows from her 12 years as a relationship counsellor that women are often blindsided by affairs – truly believing their husband was their best friend and wouldn't do anything to hurt her. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that 55 per cent of women who discovered their husband's affair felt the marriage had been stable or happy before the infidelity. She says, 'If the affair is discovered it's devastatingly destructive, because a life that someone has treasured and preserved is exposed as a lie and they question everything. 'Often the wounded party feels ashamed and stupid – for not realising. But they aren't stupid. There's a phenomenon called 'betrayal blindness', a mechanism whereby your brain protects you from facing up to the fact that the person you love and rely on is betraying you – it's too scary. And they might be excellent in all other respects – I've lost count of the women who've said to me 'but he's such a good father' or 'he's never given me any reason to suspect'. It's terribly sad that they've been conned like this.' A prime example of being blindsided was author Jilly Cooper who used to regularly write about how happy her marriage with husband Leo was. But in 1990 his then-mistress Sarah Johnson publicly admitted that they'd been having an affair for six years. The Coopers weathered the storm and stayed together until Leo's death in 2013. But, Jilly said in an interview, 'An affair is crucifying, it's cataclysmic.' While affairs don't usually last for so long – the average in the UK lasts for between six months and two years – James' assertion that he's in a happy marriage despite cheating is not unusual. A poll by extra marital affairs website Illicit Encounters showed that 64 per cent of users consider themselves 'happily married', but still chose to have an affair for reasons unrelated to unhappiness at home – a desire for excitement was the top reason, followed by sexual exploration and the need for a confidence boost. For Shaun*, 38, it's his need to explore kinky sex that causes him to stray regularly – he's had short-lived affairs for the last four years – meeting them on Illicit Encounters. The estate agent, from Rickmansworth, explains, 'I got married when I was 22 and not very experienced sexually. I think I'd always been attracted to BDSM on one level, but I'd never tried it out. As I reached my 30s it became an itch that I really wanted to scratch. 'I didn't want to bring it up with my wife because I don't want to hurt her. We've built a very family-orientated, team-based life, and bringing up kink doesn't feel right. I also worry it would make her feel like she's not enough. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable or risk what we've built. 'I think I'd be faithful without my need for kink – I never go out looking for an emotional connection elsewhere – it's very much a physical outlet. I never want to get to the point where I'm torn between two people. Short, sharp flings work for me. 'That's why I don't feel guilt. I'm not doing this to replace my wife, and I don't think she'd ever want to do what I'm doing with someone else. So in my mind, it's not something she's missing out on – it's something she's opted out of, albeit unknowingly. 'However I do acknowledge that if she did find out she'd be devastated. I think it would be the betrayal, more than the sex, the fact I didn't come to her first. 'And I realise I would be judged for what I'm doing – but though I'd never risk telling anyone I cheat to lessen the risk of being found out – I know two other men in my circle that have their own secret relationships.' The lengths some people take to cover up their cheating are incredible. There are even companies such as Alibi Agency dedicated to providing fake alibis – they can set up fake ticket stubs, conferences, hotel receptionists and even lie detector tests. They boast they've helped one man facilitate a secret relationship for 19 years. It's no surprise to Kivits, she's dealt with many long-term affairs and even complete double lives where men have families with the other woman. She says, 'It's easier than ever to meet people to cheat with these days because of online dating and the websites specifically set up for extra marital dalliances.' While it might be easy to have an affair, patching up the marriage is often difficult – though studies have found up to 75 per cent of couples stay together. Famously David and Victoria Beckham recovered from allegations that David had an affair with his PA Rebecca Loos in 2003. But the devastation it can cause is clear. Sharon Osbourne said she tried to end her life after she learnt about husband Ozzy's four-year affair with hairdresser Michelle Pugh in 2016, after 33 years of marriage. In an interview she said, 'He always had groupies and I was so used to that. But when he knows the name of the person, where they live and where they work… it's a whole different thing as you are emotionally invested.' To get through it, Rhian advises, 'The cheat can't minimise their behaviour, they have to own it. Claiming 'it meant nothing' isn't helpful – if anything it's more confusing, why risk a loving marriage for 'nothing'? 'If you discover an affair you will feel a mix of emotions, shock, anger and deep trauma and that is exacerbated when you think you've been in a happy marriage. You will constantly question how the person you thought was your everything could be your biggest betrayer. 'It can be hard to move on, but it is possible. Open and honest communication is crucial as is emotional availability. And if that isn't there, divorce can be the only option.' Broaden your horizons with award-winning British journalism. Try The Telegraph free for 1 month with unlimited access to our award-winning website, exclusive app, money-saving offers and more.
Telegraph
15-07-2025
- General
- Telegraph
I'm a happily married man, but I've been having an affair for the past nine years
Strolling down the Caribbean beach hand in hand with Lizzie*, his wife of 35 years, James* appears the epitome of a loving and attentive husband. But just a few days ago the 63-year-old was in a hotel room with his mistress, Jane*, making passionate love and drinking champagne. For nine long years he's been seeing his lover and has no intention of giving her up and, if he's brutally honest, a part of him wishes it was her hand he was holding instead of Lizzie's. He tells The Telegraph, 'I know that's shocking and, in many ways, a bigger betrayal than the sex. The longevity of my affair and the emotions involved would crucify my wife.' 'She has every reason to believe we're in a happy marriage – all the boxes are ticked, we make each other howl with laughter, we go to bed at the same time every night and chat, we still have sex. 'It's not only my wife but our kids that think we have the ideal marriage. I remember once strolling hand in hand along the river near our home in Henley and them quipping that we were 'sickeningly in love'. They aspire to have a marriage like ours. If my affair was discovered it would destroy them too. 'I do enjoy our life together – it's not a complete farce, I love my wife dearly. I will end up getting old with her sitting on deck chairs, admiring the sunset.' Living a double life The notion that you can be in a happy marriage and cheat is one that renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel, author of The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity has explored previously. She calls it the 'double life' phenomenon and acknowledges the person having the affair may still love their partner and feel fulfilled in certain ways but are looking for something different. She describes the affair as 'seeking passion, rediscovering freedom or finding an identity' rather than looking to escape a troubled marriage. For James it was the passionate sex he'd enjoyed in his youth that triggered his infidelity. 'My wife and I have sex occasionally, but it's pedestrian and I feel she's going through the motions rather than doing it because she desires me. Her libido is very low,' he says. He met Jane on an extra-marital affairs website in 2016 after deciding he didn't want to live out the rest of his years feeling he was missing out. He admits, 'She's 13 years younger than me and it started with sex and then we discovered we're two peas in a pod. 'I miss her when I'm not with her. I've learnt to compartmentalise rigidly as it's the only way I cope – I put her in a box in my mind and don't allow myself to think about her. I've always been good at that, a bad day at work is forgotten when I leave. If I didn't I'd be miserable and then my wife would question why and the whole thing would come tumbling down. 'I know my wife wants to stay married, she loves me and our lifestyle – she's done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to have it taken away from her.' People would question how his wife hasn't noticed after so long. But in his determination to preserve the illusion James does everything he can to cover his tracks. He and Jane have strict rules about when they text and delete them at the end of every day. They ration their meetings to every week or so, turn off their location history and make sure they meet where they won't bump into anyone. 'Jane's married too and though her reasons for staying with her husband are different, she's equally careful,' says James. 'I truly believe I'm not taking anything away from our marriage, both my wife and lover are happy and so am I. And I'm not a hypocrite, I'd be fine if my wife wanted to play away – but I know she doesn't. I'm sure people will think I'm selfish, but I don't see why my sexual needs are less important than my wife's lack of them.' Compartmentalising and deceit Relationship counsellor Rhian Kivits, however, is firm that an affair is destructive to a marriage. She says, 'To live this sort of double life you have to be good at compartmentalising and deceit. In general men are more able to do that – women tend to have affairs because they need more emotion and connection, which is harder to compartmentalise. 'To say his wife is happy is a red herring because it's based on false information. She doesn't know that her marriage entails a third party and given the choice she probably wouldn't accept it. If he thought she would then he'd ask about opening up the relationship.' Rhian knows from her 12 years as a relationship counsellor that women are often blindsided by affairs – truly believing their husband was their best friend and wouldn't do anything to hurt her. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that 55 per cent of women who discovered their husband's affair felt the marriage had been stable or happy before the infidelity. She says, 'If the affair is discovered it's devastatingly destructive, because a life that someone has treasured and preserved is exposed as a lie and they question everything. 'Often the wounded party feels ashamed and stupid – for not realising. But they aren't stupid. There's a phenomenon called 'betrayal blindness', a mechanism whereby your brain protects you from facing up to the fact that the person you love and rely on is betraying you – it's too scary. And they might be excellent in all other respects – I've lost count of the women who've said to me 'but he's such a good father' or 'he's never given me any reason to suspect'. It's terribly sad that they've been conned like this.' A prime example of being blindsided was author Jilly Cooper who used to regularly write about how happy her marriage with husband Leo was. But in 1990 his then-mistress Sarah Johnson publicly admitted that they'd been having an affair for six years. The Coopers weathered the storm and stayed together until Leo's death in 2013. But, Jilly said in an interview, 'An affair is crucifying, it's cataclysmic.' Desire for kinky sex While affairs don't usually last for so long – the average in the UK lasts for between six months and two years – James' assertion that he's in a happy marriage despite cheating is not unusual. A poll by extra marital affairs website Illicit Encounters showed that 64 per cent of users consider themselves 'happily married', but still chose to have an affair for reasons unrelated to unhappiness at home – a desire for excitement was the top reason, followed by sexual exploration and the need for a confidence boost. For Shaun*, 38, it's his need to explore kinky sex that causes him to stray regularly – he's had short-lived affairs for the last four years – meeting them on Illicit Encounters. The estate agent, from Rickmansworth, explains, 'I got married when I was 22 and not very experienced sexually. I think I'd always been attracted to BDSM on one level, but I'd never tried it out. As I reached my 30s it became an itch that I really wanted to scratch. 'I didn't want to bring it up with my wife because I don't want to hurt her. We've built a very family-orientated, team-based life, and bringing up kink doesn't feel right. I also worry it would make her feel like she's not enough. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable or risk what we've built. 'I think I'd be faithful without my need for kink – I never go out looking for an emotional connection elsewhere – it's very much a physical outlet. I never want to get to the point where I'm torn between two people. Short, sharp flings work for me. 'That's why I don't feel guilt. I'm not doing this to replace my wife, and I don't think she'd ever want to do what I'm doing with someone else. So in my mind, it's not something she's missing out on – it's something she's opted out of, albeit unknowingly. 'However I do acknowledge that if she did find out she'd be devastated. I think it would be the betrayal, more than the sex, the fact I didn't come to her first. 'And I realise I would be judged for what I'm doing – but though I'd never risk telling anyone I cheat to lessen the risk of being found out – I know two other men in my circle that have their own secret relationships.' The lengths some people take to cover up their cheating are incredible. There are even companies such as Alibi Agency dedicated to providing fake alibis – they can set up fake ticket stubs, conferences, hotel receptionists and even lie detector tests. They boast they've helped one man facilitate a secret relationship for 19 years. It's no surprise to Kivits, she's dealt with many long-term affairs and even complete double lives where men have families with the other woman. She says, 'It's easier than ever to meet people to cheat with these days because of online dating and the websites specifically set up for extra marital dalliances.' While it might be easy to have an affair, patching up the marriage is often difficult – though studies have found up to 75 per cent of couples stay together. Famously David and Victoria Beckham recovered from allegations that David had an affair with his PA Rebecca Loos in 2003. But the devastation it can cause is clear. Sharon Osbourne said she tried to end her life after she learnt about husband Ozzy's four-year affair with hairdresser Michelle Pugh in 2016, after 33 years of marriage. In an interview she said, 'He always had groupies and I was so used to that. But when he knows the name of the person, where they live and where they work… it's a whole different thing as you are emotionally invested.' To get through it, Rhian advises, 'The cheat can't minimise their behaviour, they have to own it. Claiming 'it meant nothing' isn't helpful – if anything it's more confusing, why risk a loving marriage for 'nothing'? 'If you discover an affair you will feel a mix of emotions, shock, anger and deep trauma and that is exacerbated when you think you've been in a happy marriage. You will constantly question how the person you thought was your everything could be your biggest betrayer. 'It can be hard to move on, but it is possible. Open and honest communication is crucial as is emotional availability. And if that isn't there, divorce can be the only option.'
