Latest news with #EstherPerel
Yahoo
27-05-2025
- Business
- Yahoo
Why Esther Perel is going all in on saving the American workforce in the age of AI
Esther Perel has been a relationship whisperer for decades. The renowned psychotherapist, author of Mating in Captivity, and host of the podcast Where Should We Begin? has spoken extensively about the power of intimacy in romantic relationships. Now, Perel is laser-focused on a different frontier: the workplace relationship. 'People's expectations of work have risen tremendously, like they have risen in the romantic sphere,' says Perel. And still, 'the time and the patience that they allocate to it have decreased sharply.' As more workers contend with return-to-office battles, the looming rollout of AI, and economic uncertainty, Perel says there is no better place to focus her energy. People spend the majority of their adult lives interacting with coworkers, and the relationships that may seem easily dismissed as transactional and contextual are becoming lifelines worth investing in. Perel says we are facing an unprecedented time, as more people yearn for intimacy at work as a way to feel 'purpose, meaning, belonging, and community.' Reflecting on decades of research, Perel recognizes that the same desire for security and belonging that she preached as the pillars of romantic intimacy applies to work. That's why Perel recently launched a new card game, Where Should We Begin? At Work, in collaboration with Culture Amp, an HR tech platform. The game is intended to help colleagues learn more about one another by prompting storytelling, like a time they appreciated a former boss or felt connected to a colleague. 'The world of psychology and emotions has entered the workplace,' says Perel. 'We talk about authenticity, psychological safety, and vulnerability in the same breath as we're talking about performance indicators—and that is fascinating.' In an interview with Fortune, Perel talks about the key issues plaguing workplace relationships and how to feel more connected and purposeful in the modern office. This interview has been edited for length and clarity. : What spurred you to think more about workplace relationships? The workplace is going through a major upheaval, with a very uncertain future. And the meaning of relationships in the workplace has completely changed. It used to be soft skills—stuff that you can admire in principle, but then you disregard in reality. For the first time, relationships are no longer just soft. They are actually part of the bottom line. They're part of the competitive edge. They're part of the one thing that AI cannot yet so easily replace. Tell us about your new game, focused on building relational intelligence at work. It was a logical thing to do. How do we actually create something that is tangible, that you can hold in your hands, that is fun, and that is playful? As one of the people from Culture Amp said, 'You can either have a training on management, or you can hear people's stories about managers who totally influence the way they themselves manage today.' Storytelling is a very powerful bridge for connection. Stories are the way we remember each other way more than data, for that matter, and it's not just your typical icebreaker. It's a very in-depth, layered set of cards that you use in multiple work situations, offsites, team building, and one-on-one feedback sessions. What are people getting wrong when it comes to relationships at work? People avoid face-to-face conversation. People make a lot of noise about honesty, transparency, authenticity, and all this stuff. But in fact, they demonstrate rather little of it in work situations. People have really lost the ability to knock at someone's door and just say, 'Can I come in for a moment?' What happens when people who come to work are more and more socially atrophied and have experienced major desocialization? Basic transactions that used to be part of any social interaction have become really challenging. How does it influence the way people deal with conflict, disagreement, or simple discomfort in the workplace? What everyone understands is that there is a real need to develop relational intelligence or human skills. This is directly connected to performance, and especially to sustained high performance. That data is very clear. How can coworkers have intimacy yet maintain professional boundaries? I think one of the most recent interesting findings about relationships in the workplace is that people's happiness at work is determined first and foremost by the actual presence of a best friend at work. It means that people expect and experience intimacy at work. Friendship is intimacy. It means that there is someone at work whom you can trust, with whom you experience a deep sense of belonging. They wait for you in the morning. You experience a sense of recognition from knowing that you are valued, that you are respected, that you matter, and that you can experience a sense of collective resilience. If there's something that happens, you can together devise a way to handle tough situations. I think the idea that people don't have intimacy at work is actually inaccurate. You're very intimate with your supervisor and with your manager. But that doesn't mean you reveal all your inner truths. Intimacy means that you get me. It's not about how much I have shared with you. I think that's a really important distinction. Can you can be friends with your boss or someone senior to you? I think you can. People seem to always be a little bit worried that there is a power differential, but there are power dynamics in every relationship. Ask any parent of a 2-year-old, and it's not because they have power over the 2-year-old. Power is not always a negative thing. It's intrinsic. The moment you depend on somebody, you have power. And there is power to the mentee, and there is power to the mentor. [At work] we can have elements of friendship, mutuality, reciprocity, shared interests, having each other's backs, and enhancing each other's interests in various areas. How do you build relational intelligence in a toxic workplace? The main thing we have control over is us. You can change, I think, at least pieces, sometimes small, sometimes much bigger, of a culture. For example, this company I saw went to an offsite. And when we got there, there was some tension on the team. Things were not going well. We played a card game, and we just told stories, and suddenly people started to actually listen to each other differently. These people that you didn't really trust at all, or the people that you said, 'What the hell am I doing with you?' softened. Did it transform on the spot? No. I think people have to be a little realistic. But it took the bite; it took the rigidity, the kind of confirmation bias that exists once people don't like each other, and said, 'Hey, open yourself up to other possibilities.' You control your curiosity. You control the quality of your listening. The quality of your listening shapes the type of speaking that is going to come back. This story was originally featured on
Time Magazine
20-05-2025
- Business
- Time Magazine
7 Questions That Can Instantly Boost Your Work Relationships
A company can offer all the free snacks and on-site massages in the world—but if the people don't make you feel supported, you're probably still not happy at your job. To an increasing extent, 'the corporate world is understanding that relationships and the culture of relationships at work is the new competitive edge,' says Esther Perel, a psychotherapist who hosts the popular couples' therapy podcast Where Should We Begin? In May, Perel shifted her focus from improving relationships at home to bettering those at work. She released a 100-question card game with prompts designed to get people to open up and share stories, in hopes of improving team dynamics and fixing a workplace's culture. Each prompt targets one of her four pillars of healthy workplace relationships—trust, belonging, recognition, and collective resilience—and it's designed to be played at an off-site meeting, while onboarding a new employee, during a one-on-one check-in, or at an after-work happy hour. 'This goes way beyond your typical icebreaker,' Perel says: Telling personal stories at work can make people feel less siloed and improve collaboration. At the average all-hands meeting, for example, 'You see where the eyes go, you see who's listening, you see the blank stares, you see people on their phone,' she says. 'Once a person starts to tell a story, everybody's eyes lift. Now you come to life, you're interested, and you elicit curiosity.' We asked Perel how to level up your workplace relationships—and she suggested starting with these seven questions. 'What brings out the best in you?' Asking a colleague to share exactly what helps them excel is a 'beautiful' way to grow your connection. 'It demands some form of self-knowledge and self-awareness,' Perel says. To answer candidly, your colleague will need to understand what encourages, motivates, and pushes them. When you have that information, you no longer have to guess what they prefer; for example, you might learn that when they're receiving feedback, they want you to get right into it rather than mincing your words. If a colleague asked Perel this question, her response would 'tell you what I know about myself, what you should know about me, and how we can work better together,' she says. 'It's a question that builds trust and tells you what recognition is for me.' 'What skill do you wish you got to use more?' This is a way to zero in on the discrepancy between what a company needs from someone and what that person would like to contribute. 'It's the hidden talent I have that you don't know I have,' Perel says. And who knows? It might fill an important gap. Talking about skills is a boon for the company and for the person who gets to stretch a different muscle and utilize their full skillset, she says. 'When is it difficult for you to ask for help?' For some people, asking for help is 'inconceivable,' Perel says—they're simply too independent. 'It means defeat; it means they have to depend on other people and trust other people.' By digging into how a colleague feels about reaching out for a hand, you might learn it makes them nervous that they'll be seen as incompetent, that someone else will end up taking all the credit for their work, or that they'll be rejected by the person they turn to. The question shines light on how someone thinks about 'dependency, generosity, cooperation, collaboration, competition, and shame,' she says. Plus, Perel notes, it takes the temperature of company culture: Do employees feel like they have to pretend to know something they don't? Or is turning a task into a team effort encouraged? The answer might inspire introspection among company leaders. 'What does your inner critic love to say?' Initiating a conversation about the harsh words your colleague has on repeat—the ones that deflate and devalue them—requires vulnerability. If they feel comfortable opening up, it's a clear sign you've created a sense of psychological safety; they have faith that you're not going to weaponize the information against them in the future. 'The more I expose myself, which is a risk I'm taking, the more I trust [my colleagues],' Perel says. Plus, imagine how enlightening it would be to hear, for example, your manager or another executive describe the way their inner critic taunts them. In addition to humanizing them, it's an exercise in building empathy—and can improve the way you show up for and encourage one another. 'What's an important personal object you keep near you when you're working?' Before remote work became so prevalent, you could walk into an office and see the pictures on someone's desk or exactly what they were sipping on throughout the day. 'Then if you ever wanted to surprise them, you could bring them a green juice or the kind of coffee they like,' Perel says. Now, however, 'we're decontextualized so often in our remote work,' she says. 'The intent of this question is to ask somebody for their context: 'What's on your table? What does your table even look like?' All we see is an upper body that doesn't move.' Learning what a colleague holds dear enough to keep within eyesight while working can help you understand them better and take your relationship to a more meaningful level, she adds. 'When did you last feel truly acknowledged by a colleague?' Being recognized by a colleague helps workers 'feel seen,' Perel says. Acknowledging someone isn't limited to celebrating their accomplishments, either: Maybe you noticed they couldn't squeeze a word in during an important meeting, and afterwards, you pulled them aside and let them know you saw what happened. 'That feeling of being acknowledged says, 'I'm not alone,'' Perel says. 'It gets into the issue of recognition, it gets into connection, it gets into trust. To me, it is an amazingly important question.' 'What's a time that made you proud to work here?' Your colleagues can probably rattle off a number of times they felt comfortable with their work situation—maybe finding their daily tasks interesting and even genuinely enjoyable. But pride takes those positive feelings to a deeper level. It demonstrates a belief that your contributions matter to and elevate the team, which is usually associated with a sense of belonging. Plus, 'If you feel proud to work there, then you like the people you're connected with,' Perel says. 'If you work with people you can't stand, you usually don't feel proud.'
The Guardian
31-03-2025
- General
- The Guardian
Love, actually: How intimacy survives marriage and motherhood
The first thing a friend did when I told her the title of my book was laugh. 'The Sex Lives of Married Women?' She asked. 'You mean The No Sex Lives of Married Women.' I laughed too. She wasn't wrong – married people aren't exactly known for their thriving sex lives. And I suspect the only couples reliably having sex must be the ones who have scheduled it into their Google calendars, probably in a shared folder alongside 'Bunnings trip' and 'remortgage review'. I'm not that interested in how much sex people are or aren't having in long-term relationships, but rather in how intimacy evolves over time and desire shifts after 10, 15, 20 years with the same person. How does it compete with exhaustion, children, finances and the never-ending pile of laundry? We've all read stories about the electric beginnings of love: the butterflies, the charged glances, the can't-keep-your-hands-off-each-other urgency. But what happens after the 'happily ever after'? When the thrill of new love gives way to the hum of daily life, when the only sparks are from an overloaded power board, and the closest thing to foreplay is someone finally emptying the dishwasher? Love changes. We all learn that sooner or later. I first encountered this concept in a university psychology course, where I studied the stages of love. Teenage me was drawn to the initial, obsessive stage – the kind of love that keeps you up at night and rewires your brain. The final stage, companionate love, sounded tragic. I pictured two frail people in rocking chairs, silently waiting for the end. I didn't imagine thirty- and fortysomethings who still have decades ahead of them, their passion dulled not by time, but by school drop-offs, work emails and the soul-crushing weight of the news cycle. Because the truth is, love doesn't just change – it adapts, it stretches, it bends under the pressure of competing priorities. And nowhere is this more apparent than in motherhood. Pregnancy alters your body, postpartum leaves its own marks – leaking breasts, stretched skin, a whole new relationship with exhaustion. Your identity shifts. You're no longer just a person, or a partner; you're a mother, and that identity can eclipse everything for a while. Meanwhile, you're supposed to maintain a career, follow your dreams, drink enough water, get your steps in, and what do you mean you want to have sex, it's after 10pm. Maybe we're expecting too much of ourselves. Perhaps we were never meant to juggle the sheer number of responsibilities that modern life demands. And yet we do, especially women, who are still sold the myth of having it all – a promise that sounds empowering but, in reality, sets us up for exhaustion and disappointment. Why don't we call it out for what it is: a scam. A lie that women fall for, generation after generation. As sex therapist Esther Perel wrote in her book, Mating in Captivity: 'Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic and emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?' We can't be everything to everyone. Expecting one relationship to meet every emotional, practical and romantic need is an impossible standard. And yet, we keep trying. So are we all doomed to a lifetime of scheduling sex between school runs and home loan repayments? Not necessarily. Maybe the key isn't chasing some impossible ideal of passion that never fades, but learning to appreciate love in all its evolving forms. Maybe it's about finding intimacy in the everyday – a shared joke over the washing up, a text that says I'm thinking of you, for no reason at all, the quiet comfort of knowing someone still chooses you, even when you're at your worst and both running on caffeine and three hours' sleep. Passion doesn't just have to be stolen weekends away or grand gestures. It's also remembering to pick up their favourite chocolate from the shop on your way home. It's choosing, in a thousand small ways, to turn towards each other rather than away. And maybe it's about shifting our expectations. So maybe turn off Netflix, ignore the news and rediscover each other – at least for a few minutes before one of you inevitably falls asleep. As for the sex lives (or lack thereof) of married women? Let's just say, it's complicated. Saman Shad is a journalist and novelist. Her debut novel The Matchmaker was released by Penguin Australia in 2023. Her latest novel, The Sex Lives of Married Women, is out on 1 April (Penguin Australia)
