I'm a happily married man, but I've been having an affair for the past nine years

Telegraph

15-07-2025

Strolling down the Caribbean beach hand in hand with Lizzie*, his wife of 35 years, James* appears the epitome of a loving and attentive husband.
But just a few days ago the 63-year-old was in a hotel room with his mistress, Jane*, making passionate love and drinking champagne.
For nine long years he's been seeing his lover and has no intention of giving her up and, if he's brutally honest, a part of him wishes it was her hand he was holding instead of Lizzie's.
He tells The Telegraph, 'I know that's shocking and, in many ways, a bigger betrayal than the sex. The longevity of my affair and the emotions involved would crucify my wife.'
'She has every reason to believe we're in a happy marriage – all the boxes are ticked, we make each other howl with laughter, we go to bed at the same time every night and chat, we still have sex.
'It's not only my wife but our kids that think we have the ideal marriage. I remember once strolling hand in hand along the river near our home in Henley and them quipping that we were 'sickeningly in love'. They aspire to have a marriage like ours. If my affair was discovered it would destroy them too.
'I do enjoy our life together – it's not a complete farce, I love my wife dearly. I will end up getting old with her sitting on deck chairs, admiring the sunset.'
Living a double life
The notion that you can be in a happy marriage and cheat is one that renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel, author of The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity has explored previously. She calls it the 'double life' phenomenon and acknowledges the person having the affair may still love their partner and feel fulfilled in certain ways but are looking for something different.
She describes the affair as 'seeking passion, rediscovering freedom or finding an identity' rather than looking to escape a troubled marriage.
For James it was the passionate sex he'd enjoyed in his youth that triggered his infidelity.
'My wife and I have sex occasionally, but it's pedestrian and I feel she's going through the motions rather than doing it because she desires me. Her libido is very low,' he says.
He met Jane on an extra-marital affairs website in 2016 after deciding he didn't want to live out the rest of his years feeling he was missing out.
He admits, 'She's 13 years younger than me and it started with sex and then we discovered we're two peas in a pod.
'I miss her when I'm not with her. I've learnt to compartmentalise rigidly as it's the only way I cope – I put her in a box in my mind and don't allow myself to think about her. I've always been good at that, a bad day at work is forgotten when I leave. If I didn't I'd be miserable and then my wife would question why and the whole thing would come tumbling down.
'I know my wife wants to stay married, she loves me and our lifestyle – she's done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to have it taken away from her.'
People would question how his wife hasn't noticed after so long. But in his determination to preserve the illusion James does everything he can to cover his tracks.
He and Jane have strict rules about when they text and delete them at the end of every day. They ration their meetings to every week or so, turn off their location history and make sure they meet where they won't bump into anyone.
'Jane's married too and though her reasons for staying with her husband are different, she's equally careful,' says James.
'I truly believe I'm not taking anything away from our marriage, both my wife and lover are happy and so am I. And I'm not a hypocrite, I'd be fine if my wife wanted to play away – but I know she doesn't. I'm sure people will think I'm selfish, but I don't see why my sexual needs are less important than my wife's lack of them.'
Compartmentalising and deceit
Relationship counsellor Rhian Kivits, however, is firm that an affair is destructive to a marriage. She says, 'To live this sort of double life you have to be good at compartmentalising and deceit. In general men are more able to do that – women tend to have affairs because they need more emotion and connection, which is harder to compartmentalise.
'To say his wife is happy is a red herring because it's based on false information. She doesn't know that her marriage entails a third party and given the choice she probably wouldn't accept it. If he thought she would then he'd ask about opening up the relationship.'
Rhian knows from her 12 years as a relationship counsellor that women are often blindsided by affairs – truly believing their husband was their best friend and wouldn't do anything to hurt her. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that 55 per cent of women who discovered their husband's affair felt the marriage had been stable or happy before the infidelity.
She says, 'If the affair is discovered it's devastatingly destructive, because a life that someone has treasured and preserved is exposed as a lie and they question everything.
'Often the wounded party feels ashamed and stupid – for not realising. But they aren't stupid. There's a phenomenon called 'betrayal blindness', a mechanism whereby your brain protects you from facing up to the fact that the person you love and rely on is betraying you – it's too scary. And they might be excellent in all other respects – I've lost count of the women who've said to me 'but he's such a good father' or 'he's never given me any reason to suspect'. It's terribly sad that they've been conned like this.'
A prime example of being blindsided was author Jilly Cooper who used to regularly write about how happy her marriage with husband Leo was. But in 1990 his then-mistress Sarah Johnson publicly admitted that they'd been having an affair for six years. The Coopers weathered the storm and stayed together until Leo's death in 2013.
But, Jilly said in an interview, 'An affair is crucifying, it's cataclysmic.'
Desire for kinky sex
While affairs don't usually last for so long – the average in the UK lasts for between six months and two years – James' assertion that he's in a happy marriage despite cheating is not unusual.
A poll by extra marital affairs website Illicit Encounters showed that 64 per cent of users consider themselves 'happily married', but still chose to have an affair for reasons unrelated to unhappiness at home – a desire for excitement was the top reason, followed by sexual exploration and the need for a confidence boost.
For Shaun*, 38, it's his need to explore kinky sex that causes him to stray regularly – he's had short-lived affairs for the last four years – meeting them on Illicit Encounters.
The estate agent, from Rickmansworth, explains, 'I got married when I was 22 and not very experienced sexually. I think I'd always been attracted to BDSM on one level, but I'd never tried it out. As I reached my 30s it became an itch that I really wanted to scratch.
'I didn't want to bring it up with my wife because I don't want to hurt her. We've built a very family-orientated, team-based life, and bringing up kink doesn't feel right. I also worry it would make her feel like she's not enough. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable or risk what we've built.
'I think I'd be faithful without my need for kink – I never go out looking for an emotional connection elsewhere – it's very much a physical outlet. I never want to get to the point where I'm torn between two people. Short, sharp flings work for me.
'That's why I don't feel guilt. I'm not doing this to replace my wife, and I don't think she'd ever want to do what I'm doing with someone else. So in my mind, it's not something she's missing out on – it's something she's opted out of, albeit unknowingly.
'However I do acknowledge that if she did find out she'd be devastated. I think it would be the betrayal, more than the sex, the fact I didn't come to her first.
'And I realise I would be judged for what I'm doing – but though I'd never risk telling anyone I cheat to lessen the risk of being found out – I know two other men in my circle that have their own secret relationships.'
The lengths some people take to cover up their cheating are incredible. There are even companies such as Alibi Agency dedicated to providing fake alibis – they can set up fake ticket stubs, conferences, hotel receptionists and even lie detector tests. They boast they've helped one man facilitate a secret relationship for 19 years.
It's no surprise to Kivits, she's dealt with many long-term affairs and even complete double lives where men have families with the other woman.
She says, 'It's easier than ever to meet people to cheat with these days because of online dating and the websites specifically set up for extra marital dalliances.'
While it might be easy to have an affair, patching up the marriage is often difficult – though studies have found up to 75 per cent of couples stay together. Famously David and Victoria Beckham recovered from allegations that David had an affair with his PA Rebecca Loos in 2003. But the devastation it can cause is clear. Sharon Osbourne said she tried to end her life after she learnt about husband Ozzy's four-year affair with hairdresser Michelle Pugh in 2016, after 33 years of marriage.
In an interview she said, 'He always had groupies and I was so used to that. But when he knows the name of the person, where they live and where they work… it's a whole different thing as you are emotionally invested.'
To get through it, Rhian advises, 'The cheat can't minimise their behaviour, they have to own it. Claiming 'it meant nothing' isn't helpful – if anything it's more confusing, why risk a loving marriage for 'nothing'?
'If you discover an affair you will feel a mix of emotions, shock, anger and deep trauma and that is exacerbated when you think you've been in a happy marriage. You will constantly question how the person you thought was your everything could be your biggest betrayer.
'It can be hard to move on, but it is possible. Open and honest communication is crucial as is emotional availability. And if that isn't there, divorce can be the only option.'