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Time of India

From Sangam-Era Love Practices to 2025's Digital Dating Culture

'Kalivu tharum punarchi', where love first came with a show of valour From flocking (where singles seek out destinations where they can meet new people) and 'micro-mances' (switching out the grand gesture for small acts of affection) to 'soft launching' relationships (sharing glimpses of love lives without committing to a full public reveal), the list of viral dating trends in 2025 is growing, but what was courtship like in Tamil Nadu in times past? For starters, there was the first date, or 'idam thalaipadu' as explored in Ettuthogai and Pattupattu anthologies, says historian R Raman, principal of Presidency College, Chennai. 'The woman would scribble the time and location to meet and slip it to her lover.' You Can Also Check: Chennai AQI | Weather in Chennai | Bank Holidays in Chennai | Public Holidays in Chennai These secret meetings were referred to as 'malai arivu' — daytime dates in public-yet-secluded spots such as waterfalls, marketplaces, tree groves or gardens. The late evening dates were different too, say the ancient texts, where the suitor would signal his arrival by throwing pebbles, dropping fruits from a tree, or whistling softly beneath her window. 'These secret night meetings were romantic and rebellious. They had to outwit both family and community to be together,' says Raman. Long before dating apps and arranged marriages, says Bernard D'Sami, former professor of history at Loyola College, ancient Tamil society was alive with poems of longing, courtship, and bold declarations of love. 'It was not seen negatively by society. Parents were aware that their kids were getting into relationships and eventually married their lovers. Love marriages were the norm.' Supanki Kalanadan, a Canada-based lawyer and researcher specialising in Tamil cultural practices, says that though Tamil society was encouraging of love and relationships; it was still patriarchal and so the woman's friend would have to set secret meetings for the couple to meet, pass on messages to each other, and in the rare cases that the parents didn't approve of their union, help the woman convince the parents. 'Sangam literature also talks of 'kalivu tharum punarchi', where love first came with a show of valour. The man might rescue the woman from wild animals (such as saving her from an elephant) or bandits while she was out gathering firewood or returning from a festival,' she says. 'Women liked men who exhibited their valour and heroism; that's what interested them. This is where the ritual taming of the bull comes from. It was dangerous and exposed them to death and danger. But men did it anyway,' says Bernard. In the past, men were expected to initiate romantic relationships, and women were expected to be passive recipients, says Pratham Parekh, assistant professor in sociology at Nirma University in Gujarat, who published a paper on 'Online Dating and Social Change in India' in 2024. 'Dating apps have given both greater agency and control in their lives, which is a positive development,' says Pratham. 'The flipside though is that online dating continues to feed gender and social stereotypes. Men still look for submissive women, women prefer able-bodied men, and most of the people on the platform are heterosexual. What's more, many people choose their partner based on caste and religion on these dating apps.' WAYS WE DATED BEFORE 'THE SWIPE': 1. Sangam literature has references to 'poo tharum punarchi' or love at first sight. 'To woo the woman, the man would give her 'kai urai', which means gifts and it was often senganthal poo (Gloriosa superba). If the woman accepted his proposal, she would take the flower and keep it on her head,' says Raman, professor of history. 2. While the thozhans or wingmen talked up the suitor's strength and devotion, the woman's best friends, the thozhis, had her back. If she wasn't feeling the vibe, the thozhi would quietly take the flower from the wooer, signalling a polite no. 3. Sangam-era meet-cutes were all about chance encounters at rivers, waterfalls or bathing ghats (it even had a term: 'punal tharum punarchi'). According to a 2022 research paper by D Latha in the International Research Journal of Tamil, these moments often led to kalavu (secret love unions), marked by gift-giving, emotional intimacy and symbolic gestures such as offering flowers (kai urai), which preceded formal marriage (karpu). 4. Marriage was society's fix to deal with lies and betrayals, says the Tholkappiyam, a way to turn secret love (kalavu) into an honourable union (karpu), says researcher Supanki. But there were no big fat weddings, just a simple exchange of vows (ooral), a sign of mutual respect Get the latest lifestyle updates on Times of India, along with Friendship Day wishes , messages and quotes !