Latest news with #Feeld
Cosmopolitan
a day ago
- Entertainment
- Cosmopolitan
‘How exploring kinks, fetishes, and BDSM helped me manage my anxiety'
In April 2020, I had just turned 31, and it felt like all I had going for me had vanished, replaced by the monotony of, well, hanging out alone in my bedroom. In a way, I wasn't alone — it was the first spring of the pandemic, and London was in lockdown. I was single after my five-year relationship had spectacularly imploded the year before. It had been heterosexual, monogamous, and pretty traditional, all of which I attributed to why it left me feeling so suffocated. I came out as queer shortly after and found my new dating life immensely fulfilling — but deep down I knew that there was a part of me that I didn't want to face. Now suddenly in the silence of my room, just me and that shadow presence: my suppressed desires. It was around this time that my lifelong struggle with anxiety got worse. It was never about overthinking, but a steady tension within the body, making me jittery and nauseous and occasionally manifesting in panic attacks. I was so tired of being myself, with all my unresolved emotional baggage. I wanted to unzip my skin like a suit and step out of it, to find a different way of being. In my search for a different kind of self, I found kink — or perhaps decided, as the known world around me was collapsing, to finally face the fact that I've always been drawn to it. My first kink experiences, in trademark pandemic fashion, happened online — looking at Instagram pictures of strangers across the globe dressed in shiny latex, and chatting to people on the kink-positive (and now practically mainstream) dating app Feeld. As people shared their fantasies, desires, and past experiences, I realised that some evoked an especially visceral reaction in me — those related to BDSM and kink. In hindsight, I'd been typing the word 'bondage' into the search bar of porn sites ever since I started using them. Plus, I grew up as a nerdy goth teenager who loved vampire novels and black leather. And yet, it was much harder to look directly at the darker parts of sexuality that excited me. Power exchange in sex — the idea of being restrained, controlled, humiliated, or doing it to others (all of which deeply aroused me) — is still seen as taboo. During my adulthood, I somehow compartmentalised this part of myself as something to be enjoyed only as a fantasy, never to be confused with the real-life intimate relationships with my partners. But suddenly there were plenty of people on my phone willing to chat about actually doing all these things I'd only ever fantasised about. My kink exploration followed the trajectory of the pandemic restrictions, as conversations online shifted to meeting in person. I met a polyamorous shibari rope top (i.e. a dominant person who practices the art of Japanese rope bondage in multiple different relationships) who lived in south London — he would drive to my house and we would spend the evening together, him tying me up and spanking or whipping me, allowing me to explore, for the first time, playing with pain. Afterwards, we'd share the snacks he always brought; I especially remember eating chocolate-covered pretzels following a particularly intense session. I then connected with a submissive man who came to my house and acted as a footstool as I answered my work emails. I chatted with a woman locked down in a different country, who asked me to dom her now-long-distance sub for her — in the end, an arrangement that proved to be too logistically complicated. After I stopped seeing my rope top, I went to classes to learn rope bondage myself, excited by my newfound nerdy obsession. When the restrictions on public gatherings were lifted, I went to my first ever kink party, feeling all tingly and euphoric in the presence of a few dozen strangers dressed in rubber, leather, PVC, and fishnets. It was a whole new world where sex was no longer about just the physical act — and by far no longer about penetration — but a radical new way to relate to people creatively, playfully, and with empathy and vulnerability. However varied these first encounters were — whether I topped or bottomed, or simply had deep conversations about someone's fetishes or kinks origin stories — there was one factor they all shared: they required clear communication; being able to verbalise your desires. When I started my kink journey, I was startled to realise that, despite being a writer, I couldn't find the language to talk about what I actually wanted. The process of finding words — online first and then in person — for expressing my desires, fantasies, and boundaries had a transformative impact. It allowed me to have better sex, but it also helped me to reframe the way I approached self-care and mental health. I started paying more attention to my emotions and how they manifested in the body; I became more attentive to how I felt as I went about my daily life. As opposed to focusing on tasks; I prioritised my pleasure above pleasing others. I started treating myself like I treated my partners in kink: with empathy, kindness, respect, and patience. By admitting my desires, I began to understand who I am as a person, fully, beyond shame. This self-knowledge brought me confidence and helped me (alongside therapy) to finally keep my anxiety at bay. I no longer dreaded being confined to being me — I knew I had power to change, grow, and live authentically. Today, BDSM, kink, and fetish are still part of my life, but in a different way than the frenzied, hungry exploration of the early days. Many people experience this at first — the desire to try everything and the fear that you might simply run out of new kinks to explore. It doesn't quite work like that (or not for me, at least); it is a never-ending journey in which you might fall in and out of love with your obsessions and turn-ons. Life might get in the way, sometimes you'll be too tired after dinner, and then other times you'll be inspired by a new partner or a film you watch. As of today, I haven't picked up my bondage ropes for six months, but I can feel the desire growing once again. It is a process, and it never ends. I started writing my book, Second Skin, a couple of years after I first discovered — or fully recognised — my interest in kink. At the core of it was that original longing to find the language to talk about desire, connection, and erotic exploration. It started out as a book about fetishism and our complex relationship with objects, building on my career as a fashion journalist and cultural critic. I wanted to investigate our shared obsession with branded goods and how it might be similar or different to an erotically-driven fascination with Louboutin heels, latex gloves, or leather boots. But it took me much further — into my experiences with kink more broadly, to fetish clubs, sex dungeons, libraries, LGBTQI+ archives, and art galleries. It is also a love letter to many people in my life: my friends, my partner, my creative mentors, people I played with or encountered only once, who still changed my life. Sexuality is a complicated terrain, but one of the biggest lessons I have learned on my kink journey is to trust your desires. The fact they're there means they have a reason to exist — that they've arrived from the shadows or from one's bodily experience and personal history — even if society doesn't deem them completely normal. I haven't regretted for a moment that decision, made alone in my room five years ago, to trust mine — it has only led me to live more fully. Second Skin by Anastasiia Fedorova is out now via Granta Books
WIRED
a day ago
- Entertainment
- WIRED
Why More Young People Are Becoming 'Relationship Anarchists'
Jun 5, 2025 3:51 AM A growing segment of millennials and Gen Z are forming 'anti-hierarchal' relationships with multiple partners and friends, according to a new study by the dating app Feeld. Photo-Illustration:'People are sick of the rules of society,' Lavvynder says over the phone from their home in Salt Lake City on a recent Monday afternoon. 'Monogamy has become the default. Straight cis gender patriarchy is the default. A lot of us want to do things our own way—not have a government or religion tell us what to do.' I had asked Lavvynder, 30, who is trans nonbinary and practices polyamory, why they think 'relationship anarchy'—an egalitarian philosophy and approach to dating—is getting more popular among young people. According to a new study conducted by the dating app Feeld and sex educator Ruby Rare, author of The Non-Monogamy Playbook , relationship anarchy is on the rise among millennials and Gen Z as a remedy to the loneliness epidemic. Relationship anarchy (RA) is a relationship philosophy built around clear values: it is anti-hierarchal, anti-capitalist, prioritizes mutual care, and is all about cultivating relationships based on consent. The term, according to Feeld, was coined in 2006 by Swedish writer and activist Andie Nordgren, who said in her manifesto, relationship anarchy 'questions the idea that love is a limited resource that can only be real if restricted to a couple.' Though the lifestyle has quietly emerged as a prevailing relationship framework among communes in San Francisco and across Europe in the last decade, it is again finding a wider audience in our current era of romantic upheaval, where young people are staying single for longer, and polyamory has become far more common. According to the Feeld study, one in five people practice it unknowingly, and 36 percent of 25 to 36 year olds have adopted the lifestyle, compared to 15 percent of Boomers. Lavvynder was in a vulnerable but curious space, separated from their partner of two years, when they stumbled on a friend's Instagram story about relationship anarchy in 2023. The software project manager had no previous experience with it but felt drawn to its possibilities. 'I also familiarized myself with the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord,' a worksheet that helps people set terms for how to define an anarchist relationship unique to their circumstance,' Lavvynder says. 'It's about asking, 'What are the things that we want to be involved in this relationship and what are we gonna agree is part of this relationship? Are we interested in being creative partners? Are we interested in being sexual partners?'' Since then they have fully embraced the lifestyle. We can all agree: dating sucks and has only gotten harder. Forty-seven percent of US adults say dating is more difficult today than it was a decade ago. That has led to a growing interest in alternative lifestyles. According to the Journal of Sex and Martial Therapy , one in five people surveyed in the US and Canada have had experience with non-monogamy. Nontraditional relationships are especially popular among millennials and Gen Z; over 70 percent say they are open to less conventional approaches to partnership, including polyamory and open relationships, according to a study by R29 Intelligence. For relationship anarchists, there is no pecking order among their connections—partners, friends, neighbors, colleagues—are all regarded the same. They treat all their relationships equally, be they romantic or platonic, and believe each relationship possesses 'similar or identical potential for emotional, physical, or mental intimacy, love, and satisfaction,' Rare noted in the study. No one person is given preference over the other. It may seem like relationship anarchy mirrors polyamory but there are fundamental distinctions. Some poly people apply hierarchies to their relationships—'veto power,' as Lavvynder calls it. Relationship anarchists, who can be poly, do not put romantic partners above anyone. 'We're not making rules about other people's relationships. We're just focusing on the connection that we have with that other person.' One misconception about relationship anarchists is that they have perfected relationship dynamics, but that couldn't be further from the truth, Lavvynder adds. 'A lot of people will tell me, 'oh, I wish I could be polyamorous or a relationship anarchist, but I just get too jealous.' And it's like, well, I get jealous too. I'm not void of that emotion. I also experience jealousy. If my partner is talking to somebody new, I feel threatened by that. But the way to deal with that is not to make some rule about how your partner is engaging with other people. It's to figure out what you need to do for yourself,' they say. 'It's really fucking hard, actually.' It's all about shared values, not sexual exclusivity, says Sam, a 33-year-old music licensing administrator in Los Angeles who identifies as gender fluid. Relationship anarchy pushed her to rethink how she defined connection. 'Everyone is taught the rules at a young age: one person in your life is meant to be your everything,' she says, likening it to 'a Disney fairytale romance.' And 'any deviation from that is an offense beyond repair.' People, she says, would feel more fulfilled in their relationships 'if they were able to prioritize others based on what they actually wanted versus what they believe is expected of them.' Sam came to the realization following a breakup. She was 'freshly out as a queer person,' new to nonmonogamy, and in a relationship that encouraged the exploration of her sexual identity. She and her ex were 'swingers ' but Sam says she was 'deeply uncomfortable and unfulfilled' by all the 'casual and often unsatisfying' sexual experiences. When the relationship ended, she dove into the polyamory scene in Los Angeles, where she later learned about relationship anarchy. José Esteban Muñoz, in Cruising Utopia: The Then and There of Queer Futurity , has suggested that 'queerness is a structuring and educated mode of desiring that allows us to see and feel beyond the quagmire of the present.' It comes as no surprise, then, that young people who identify as LGBTQIA+ and also practice ethical nonmonogamy are finding that relationship anarchy is for them. 'We've pushed so many societal norms already and we're in this place where it's like, well, how else can we push this even more?' Lavvynder says. 'It's a function of more and more people coming out as queer and being in queer relationships. They are realizing that there are alternatives to the norm of what love can be,' Jack says. Jack is a 30-year-old physician who identifies as nonbinary. They discovered relationship anarchy during the pandemic. Freed from 'a cycle of serial monogamy,' they say they were introduced to the lifestyle by their current partner, who they live with in Brooklyn, New York. 'We all had so much time to sit and think, and really self-examine. I had time to expose myself to these new ideas. For a lot of people you just don't know what else you can do—until you do. That was certainly the case for me.' Jack and his partner have been together five years. Jack also has three other romantic partners currently—one in San Francisco, another in Asheville, North Carolina and a person they just started seeing in Rhode Island because 'apparently I hate dating people that actually live in the same city as myself.' Above all, Jack says, respect is prioritized in each relationship. Lavvynder, Sam, and Jack requested their last names not be used due to privacy concerns. Still, navigating relationships doesn't come easy. 'It requires a deep level of self reflection, honesty, and communication that we are not taught and is not modeled to us in any traditional societal structures,' Sam says. 'Your boundaries will differ from relationship to relationship.' 'It is difficult and something you have to be conscious of, at least I do,' Jack adds 'I'm not that good at it yet.'
Yahoo
3 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
What Is Relationship Anarchy? Psychologists Explain This Non-Traditional Relationship Style
"Hearst Magazines and Yahoo may earn commission or revenue on some items through these links." It's about to be a Relationship Anarchy Summer. Or at least according to Feeld, that is. The once niche, now arguably mainstream dating app best known as a platform for kinky and non-monogamously minded daters just released its latest State of Dating report, and it seems anarchy is in the air—relationship anarchy (RA), that is. Per the report, this non-traditional relationship style—which rejects societal norms and encourages practitioners to forge custom-created relationships on their own terms—is on the rise. In fact, you may be a relationship anarchist without even knowing it. Well, not exactly. RA is a unique, intricate philosophy of relationship-building with which practitioners engage actively and intentionally, one that has origins in politically anarchist principles. But Feeld found that after learning the definition of relationship anarchy, 50 percent of the app's users and 20 percent of non-Feeld members reported they were already practicing it before becoming aware there was a term for it. So what is relationship anarchy, really? And have you maybe already adopted it into your own life without realizing it? Read on for your complete guide to RA. Coined by Andie Nordgren in a pamphlet in 2006 (later published online), relationship anarchy—or RA— is a relationship style in which there are no rules or expectations other than the ones the people in the relationship decide upon. Basically, it's tossing traditional societal ideas of what relationships 'should be' and defining them for yourself, with your partner(s). 'RA is a philosophy where people follow their own core values to create individualized relationship agreements rather than relying on social norms,' says Dr. Heath Schechinger, co-chair of the American Psychological Association Division 44 Committee on Consensual Non-Monogamy. 'People who embrace this approach to relationships tend to value autonomy and non-hierarchical relationship practices.' Nordgren's original relationship anarchy manifesto includes nine tenets that outline the values of relationship anarchy, all meant to be customized by the people who practice it. These tenets include things like, 'Love and respect instead of entitlement,' which states that your feelings for or history with someone don't entitle you to control them or their actions, and 'Trust is better,' which states that instead of needing validation from your partner to feel confident in their feelings for you, you should choose 'to assume that your partner does not wish you harm,' and let that be enough. One big principle of relationship anarchy is shedding any type of hierarchy, aka, the belief that a romantic relationship is more important than any other type of relationship. 'It is based on the idea that love is abundant and not a finite resource that needs to be carefully doled out to the people around you,' says Dr. Donna Oriowo, sex and relationship therapist at AnnodRight. 'Relationships are experienced as being more on a spectrum instead of a hierarchy.' Relationship anarchy and polyamory are both types of ethical (sometimes also called consensual) non-monogamy, but they differ in that RA does not have to be non-monogamous if you and your partner don't want it to be. Although most relationship anarchists are non-monogamous, you can choose to eschew every other traditional relationship norm but still be each other's only partner if that's what you and your partner want. Polyamory, on the other hand, does involve having intimate, sometimes emotional relationships with more than one partner. Polyamory can also involve hierarchies (like having a primary partner). RA rejects that concept entirely unless those involved decide otherwise. Like with all types of non-monogamy, relationship anarchy isn't for everyone and requires lots of time, effort, and communication. 'Anyone who wants be in relationships outside of our cultural expectations around them [is suited for relationship anarchy],' says Elise Schuster, MPH, co-founder and executive director of OkaySo. 'Beyond that, relationship anarchy requires skills that really are fundamental for any healthy relationship or relationships (but are often lacking), like good communication skills, awareness of one's own needs and desires, and healthy boundaries.' And because RA may include several other partners, relationship anarchists should be 'able to work through issues related to jealousy,' says Kristen Lilla, certified sex therapist and author. 'People who engage in relationship anarchy reject societal standards of how relationships 'should' be, so it works for them because they get to engage in relationships that work for them, not that work because others told them how it has to work.' Communication is key in any relationship, no matter what it looks like. But because relationship anarchy is all about creating a relationship that works for you basically from scratch, all parties need to be willing to express their needs, boundaries, and expectations. And, as Dr. Schechinger points out, as the number of people involved increases, 'so does the need for clear and healthy communication.' 'I've talked to thousands of people about their relationships, and I can say with confidence that the ability to communicate well with a partner or partners is the most important thing in relationships,' says Schuster. 'In traditional relationships, we often allow those expectations to become assumptions, which become resentments and hurt, which become breakups, which we then repeat. So really, communication is important for everyone, but people who are relationship anarchists might need to use these skills more often.' Communication with those outside of your relationship can also be important if you ever feel the need to explain your relationship to those who might not understand it. Remember: 'You may be going against the societal grain of what is deemed 'appropriate' in building the relationship you want,' says Oriowo. 'This can cause a lot of feelings and have family members feel it's their place to tell you about what you're doing wrong, relationship-wise.' Ultimately, how much you share about your relationship with others is up to you. But you shouldn't let anyone make you feel like your relationship is less valid or important just because it looks different. Anyone who's curious about relationship anarchy is capable of practicing it if they feel they have the skills and qualities to do so. But if you're already in a relationship and you're interested in moving toward relationship anarchy, there are a few important things to remember. Namely: talk, talk, and talk some more. Abandoning all relationship expectations and starting from scratch can be tricky, and it's going to require lots of communication. What do you want your relationship to look like? What are your expectations? Do you want to be monogamous, or non-monogamous? Do you want to have an open relationship? Do you want to live together? Get married one day? Have children? These are all things to be thinking about, and your answers can evolve as you move through your relationship. 'Couples should expect the relationship to change and acknowledge change isn't a bad thing,' says Lillia. And remember: Take your time. You don't have to have it all figured out from the start. 'Go slow and be realistic,' says Dr. Schechinger. 'It can be exciting to move closer to what you want, but there are challenges that come when you deviate from social norms. Make sure you are both fully on board and have a support system before you make this leap.' Relationship anarchy can be an incredibly difficult style to adopt, especially if you've always been in traditionally monogamous relationships. If it's harder than you expected, be patient with yourself and your partner(s). 'Take a moment to consider what you're struggling with and why,' says Oriowo. 'Trying something new can be hard, give yourself time to learn more and adjust.' If you and your partner(s) are committed to making RA work, supporting each other is essential, but seeking support outside of the relationship can also be hugely beneficial too. 'Read available resources, engage in self-introspection and self-awareness to help determine personal values, and seek a therapist who is competent with this model,' says Lilla. Oriowo also stresses the importance of finding community. 'We're often told we have to do so much alone and figure it out for ourselves,' they say. 'It can be really helpful to find a group of like-minded folks who can support you through the transition and even give you some pointers on how they were able to make it happen and work for themselves.' Ultimately, the impact RA will have on you and your partner(s) depends on how aligned you are in your values, and communication when you're feeling less than 100% about any of it. 'The beauty, and sometimes frustration, of RA is there are few implicit agreements that you can rest on— you get to co-create them with your partner or partners,' says Dr. Schechinger. 'We're not robots—we're humans with real feelings and attachment needs. Be compassionate, realistic, and flexible with yourself and your partner(s) as you navigate the RA waters.' You Might Also Like Here's What NOT to Wear to a Wedding Meet the Laziest, Easiest Acne Routine You'll Ever Try
Cosmopolitan
3 days ago
- General
- Cosmopolitan
What Is Relationship Anarchy? Experts Explain
It's about to be a Relationship Anarchy Summer. Or at least according to Feeld, that is. The once niche, now arguably mainstream dating app best known as a platform for kinky and non-monogamously minded daters just released its latest State of Dating report, and it seems anarchy is in the air—relationship anarchy (RA), that is. Per the report, this non-traditional relationship style—which rejects societal norms and encourages practitioners to forge custom-created relationships on their own terms—is on the rise. In fact, you may be a relationship anarchist without even knowing it. Well, not exactly. RA is a unique, intricate philosophy of relationship-building with which practitioners engage actively and intentionally, one that has origins in politically anarchist principles. But Feeld found that after learning the definition of relationship anarchy, 50 percent of the app's users and 20 percent of non-Feeld members reported they were already practicing it before becoming aware there was a term for it. So what is relationship anarchy, really? And have you maybe already adopted it into your own life without realizing it? Read on for your complete guide to RA. Coined by Andie Nordgren in a pamphlet in 2006 (later published online), relationship anarchy—or RA— is a relationship style in which there are no rules or expectations other than the ones the people in the relationship decide upon. Basically, it's tossing traditional societal ideas of what relationships 'should be' and defining them for yourself, with your partner(s). 'RA is a philosophy where people follow their own core values to create individualized relationship agreements rather than relying on social norms,' says Dr. Heath Schechinger, co-chair of the American Psychological Association Division 44 Committee on Consensual Non-Monogamy. 'People who embrace this approach to relationships tend to value autonomy and non-hierarchical relationship practices.' Nordgren's original relationship anarchy manifesto includes nine tenets that outline the values of relationship anarchy, all meant to be customized by the people who practice it. These tenets include things like, 'Love and respect instead of entitlement,' which states that your feelings for or history with someone don't entitle you to control them or their actions, and 'Trust is better,' which states that instead of needing validation from your partner to feel confident in their feelings for you, you should choose 'to assume that your partner does not wish you harm,' and let that be enough. One big principle of relationship anarchy is shedding any type of hierarchy, aka, the belief that a romantic relationship is more important than any other type of relationship. 'It is based on the idea that love is abundant and not a finite resource that needs to be carefully doled out to the people around you,' says Dr. Donna Oriowo, sex and relationship therapist at AnnodRight. 'Relationships are experienced as being more on a spectrum instead of a hierarchy.' Relationship anarchy and polyamory are both types of ethical (sometimes also called consensual) non-monogamy, but they differ in that RA does not have to be non-monogamous if you and your partner don't want it to be. Although most relationship anarchists are non-monogamous, you can choose to eschew every other traditional relationship norm but still be each other's only partner if that's what you and your partner want. Polyamory, on the other hand, does involve having intimate, sometimes emotional relationships with more than one partner. Polyamory can also involve hierarchies (like having a primary partner). RA rejects that concept entirely unless those involved decide otherwise. Like with all types of non-monogamy, relationship anarchy isn't for everyone and requires lots of time, effort, and communication. 'Anyone who wants be in relationships outside of our cultural expectations around them [is suited for relationship anarchy],' says Elise Schuster, MPH, co-founder and executive director of OkaySo. 'Beyond that, relationship anarchy requires skills that really are fundamental for any healthy relationship or relationships (but are often lacking), like good communication skills, awareness of one's own needs and desires, and healthy boundaries.' And because RA may include several other partners, relationship anarchists should be 'able to work through issues related to jealousy,' says Kristen Lilla, certified sex therapist and author. 'People who engage in relationship anarchy reject societal standards of how relationships 'should' be, so it works for them because they get to engage in relationships that work for them, not that work because others told them how it has to work.' Communication is key in any relationship, no matter what it looks like. But because relationship anarchy is all about creating a relationship that works for you basically from scratch, all parties need to be willing to express their needs, boundaries, and expectations. And, as Dr. Schechinger points out, as the number of people involved increases, 'so does the need for clear and healthy communication.' 'I've talked to thousands of people about their relationships, and I can say with confidence that the ability to communicate well with a partner or partners is the most important thing in relationships,' says Schuster. 'In traditional relationships, we often allow those expectations to become assumptions, which become resentments and hurt, which become breakups, which we then repeat. So really, communication is important for everyone, but people who are relationship anarchists might need to use these skills more often.' Communication with those outside of your relationship can also be important if you ever feel the need to explain your relationship to those who might not understand it. Remember: 'You may be going against the societal grain of what is deemed 'appropriate' in building the relationship you want,' says Oriowo. 'This can cause a lot of feelings and have family members feel it's their place to tell you about what you're doing wrong, relationship-wise.' Ultimately, how much you share about your relationship with others is up to you. But you shouldn't let anyone make you feel like your relationship is less valid or important just because it looks different. Anyone who's curious about relationship anarchy is capable of practicing it if they feel they have the skills and qualities to do so. But if you're already in a relationship and you're interested in moving toward relationship anarchy, there are a few important things to remember. Namely: talk, talk, and talk some more. Abandoning all relationship expectations and starting from scratch can be tricky, and it's going to require lots of communication. What do you want your relationship to look like? What are your expectations? Do you want to be monogamous, or non-monogamous? Do you want to have an open relationship? Do you want to live together? Get married one day? Have children? These are all things to be thinking about, and your answers can evolve as you move through your relationship. 'Couples should expect the relationship to change and acknowledge change isn't a bad thing,' says Lillia. And remember: Take your time. You don't have to have it all figured out from the start. 'Go slow and be realistic,' says Dr. Schechinger. 'It can be exciting to move closer to what you want, but there are challenges that come when you deviate from social norms. Make sure you are both fully on board and have a support system before you make this leap.' Relationship anarchy can be an incredibly difficult style to adopt, especially if you've always been in traditionally monogamous relationships. If it's harder than you expected, be patient with yourself and your partner(s). 'Take a moment to consider what you're struggling with and why,' says Oriowo. 'Trying something new can be hard, give yourself time to learn more and adjust.' If you and your partner(s) are committed to making RA work, supporting each other is essential, but seeking support outside of the relationship can also be hugely beneficial too. 'Read available resources, engage in self-introspection and self-awareness to help determine personal values, and seek a therapist who is competent with this model,' says Lilla. Oriowo also stresses the importance of finding community. 'We're often told we have to do so much alone and figure it out for ourselves,' they say. 'It can be really helpful to find a group of like-minded folks who can support you through the transition and even give you some pointers on how they were able to make it happen and work for themselves.' Ultimately, the impact RA will have on you and your partner(s) depends on how aligned you are in your values, and communication when you're feeling less than 100% about any of it. 'The beauty, and sometimes frustration, of RA is there are few implicit agreements that you can rest on— you get to co-create them with your partner or partners,' says Dr. Schechinger. 'We're not robots—we're humans with real feelings and attachment needs. Be compassionate, realistic, and flexible with yourself and your partner(s) as you navigate the RA waters.'
Yahoo
3 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
'Relationship anarchy' may cure Gen Z's loneliness, Feeld reports
Non-monogamy has entered popular consciousness in recent years, with terms like open relationship and polyamory becoming more visible online. But what about relationship anarchy? Relationship anarchy (or RA) is a philosophy that regards all relationships as equally important and unique. In RA, no relationship should be bound by rules that aren't entirely agreed on by the involved parties. The phrase was coined by writer and activist Andie Nordgren and seeks to apply the principles of anarchism (which calls for abolishing authority and hierarchy) to relationships. SEE ALSO: Is Feeld for normies now? RA takes center stage in Feeld's (the app for kinky and non-monogamous people) latest State of Dating Report, which is co-written by sex educator and author Ruby Rare. The report states that RA could be the antidote for Gen Z's loneliness. Both before and since the outbreak of COVID, Americans have felt lonely. In 2023, then-Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued an advisory about the loneliness epidemic. As the report cites, Gen Z is the loneliest generation, according to experts. But relationship anarchists on Feeld report less loneliness and a higher likelihood of valuing deep and broad connections. RA practitioners on the app are 1.5 times more likely to say having a diverse range of connections helps with loneliness, 31 percent more likely to report feeling like they can shape their relationships to meet their personal needs, and 20 percent more likely to report having a reliable support network. (This is according to internal and external surveys of over 3,000 Feeld users and 6,000 non-users taken in February 2025.) "RA is one of several possible avenues to develop emotional depth and resilience, and broaden your community: there's no-one-size-fits-all approach here," the report states. While relationship anarchy isn't as well-known a term as non-monogamy, polyamory, or swinging, one in five non-Feeld members realized they've practiced it (or are practicing) a relationship style that fits within its definition. The realization spiked to one in two people who are on Feeld. But, as with any relationship style, there are challenges to RA. Negotiating relationship boundaries was 536 percent(!) more challenging for RA Feeld members than non-RA members. A reason for this could be the lack of a script to follow when practicing something like RA — anything other than monogamy, really. Those who practice RA were also 96 percent more likely to have experienced negative reactions from prioritizing seeing multiple partners over focusing on one partner. But as the recent dating scene has shown, daters have trouble being in communication with other people to begin with. Last year, Feeld's State of Dating Report found that Gen Z actually fantasizes about monogamy (and kink). Guess that didn't last long. You can see all the findings in Feeld's State of Dating Report.
