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Business Insider
19 hours ago
- Business Insider
My passive-aggressive in-laws are paying for my vacation. How do I survive the trip?
For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions. This week, a reader's in-laws' passive-aggressive communication is causing conflict ahead of a family vacation. Our columnist suggests a little willful obtuseness and taking them at their word — all while maintaining a good attitude. Have a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form. Dear For Love & Money, I'm a direct person. I say what I mean and mean what I say. This approach has always worked for me. Even when my honesty upsets people, at least they know where they stand with me. Except for with my husband's family. He and I had a whirlwind romance and got married within six months of meeting. I have no regrets, and every day I get to know my husband more, the better I feel about my choice. He is respectful, considerate, always shows up for his people, and loves me. What more could I want? So far, his parents have been the only problem. I think they mean well, but they're very passive-aggressive. We have already clashed more in the short time I have known them than I have with anyone in my entire life. They're paying for a family vacation this summer, and are already talking in circles about what they are paying for and how meals will work. I don't want to go. Their communication style makes me itchy. I can't imagine putting up with it for a week straight with a smile, especially since they're paying for everything. My husband wants to go, however, and I would do anything to make him happy. How do I survive this trip? Sincerely, Straight Shooter Dear Straight Shooter, I've found that the only way to effectively communicate with people who refuse to be honest and direct about their feelings, plans, and desires is to take everything they say as the gospel truth and hold them to it. We typically recognize when a person is talking around something or expecting you to read the subtext — or even worse, read their minds — but that doesn't make it our responsibility. If two people both speak the same language, the onus for being understood is on the communicator; the other person's only job is to listen. This doesn't guarantee there won't be miscommunication and conflict. However, it'll give you something solid to work with — plus, plausible deniability if things go south. And hopefully, if your in-laws are held to their word long enough and often enough, they'll adjust their communication styles to reflect this. I doubt this shift will happen in time for family vacation, however, so use the trip as an opportunity to try a little willful obtuseness on for size. For instance, if they spent the entire week singing the praises of a particular seafood restaurant they say they want to "take you out" to, but when the bill comes, they say "I guess we'll pay for your dinner too," just smile and say "thank you." Of course, the difficulty with passive-aggressive people is that they often won't share essential information like preferences or plans. Maybe they don't want to do something you're excited about and ignore your attempts at consensus in hopes you take the hint. In cases such as these, you can't take them at their word because they aren't offering any words. As a newcomer to the family, I highly recommend you hang back and let your husband press the issue. Families struggle with any change to the status quo, and new family members who arrive in a whirlwind romance are certainly no exception. For that person to immediately begin shifting the dynamic of their family away from their long-held tradition of passive-aggressive communication will likely infuriate them. This doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but go gently, and let their beloved son take the heat for it. I also recommend that you and your new husband plan your own trip for a different time. Getting through a vacation that I have to assume will be poorly planned, considering the planners don't know how to communicate, will be much easier if you have another trip tailored to your interests, energy levels, and planning styles already on the books. Finally, enjoy this free vacation with a good attitude. If you spend the whole time looking for examples of your in-laws' passive aggression, that's all you'll get to experience. As annoying as people like that can be, it's just a poor communication style. None of us enjoy being judged by our worst traits. I am sure your new in-laws have all kinds of redeeming qualities — they raised at least one of them into your dream guy. So, make a good impression by ignoring the nonsense, letting your husband handle the details, and focusing on their good parts. Especially that guy they raised. Rooting for you, For Love & Money Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Business Insider
18-05-2025
- Business
- Business Insider
I want to pay off debt with my $60,000 inheritance. My husband wants to invest it. Which of us is right?
For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions. This week, a reader received a large inheritance and can't decide how to spend it. Our columnist says the amount is large enough to justify balancing several priorities. Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form. Dear For Love & Money, My grandmother died last year and left me an inheritance of $60,000. I want to use it to pay off debt: We have a $12,000 car loan, $5,000 in credit card debt, and $20,000 in student loans. I would like to put $10,000 in emergency savings, and the rest toward our mortgage principal. It won't be much, but it's something, and I think it's worthwhile to chip away where we can. My husband disagrees. To his credit, he is very respectful about this being my inheritance and my decision, but maybe it's because of this that I want to feel like he's happy with my choice. He agrees with most of the debt payoff, but he thinks $13,000 will be a meaningless drop in the bucket of our mortgage, and he's never understood why I get so stressed about our student debt. He thinks we should set aside at least $10,000 for a vacation, invest $20,000, and keep the rest in our savings account to use as needed. So, which is better? Having fewer payments or more cash on hand? Sincerely, Champagne Problems Compare Today's Banking Offers Dear Champagne Problems, Champagne problems indeed! Although I'm not sure the word "problems" applies here. Not just because we're talking about how you ought to spend $60,000, but also because while you and your husband aren't in agreement, you are approaching one another's opposing opinions respectfully. I've been writing about money and relationships long enough — and have been married long enough myself — that I know how rare that is. It is so easy to view disagreement as disrespect. Recognizing that another person's ideas and opinions are theirs and not about you at all is often more difficult than it should be. You and your husband have done an excellent job at this. He knows what he thinks, but he accepts that it is your call; you know what you want to do, but you respect and value his opinion. Stay grounded in your devotion to one another. Remember, while $60,000 is a significant amount of money, you're both worth much more than that, as is your relationship. That said, who is right? Should you clear out your credit card debt and student loans, or should you invest, travel, and keep cash on hand? The answer is — whichever feels right for your family. The answer might be a bit of both. I suggest you hire a certified financial planner to help you decide what that should look like for you. And don't dismiss your husband's idea of taking a trip. Unfortunately, you'll likely always have bills. There will always be a dozen boring ways you "should" spend your money, but you may never receive $60,000, no strings attached, again. Make the most of this! Three years from now, when your inheritance has long since been distributed throughout your life and your car breaks down to the tune of $5,000, you may curse the sky, curse your bank account, and feel sick over being $5,000 poorer than you were the day before. But I doubt you'll look back on your fabulous trip to Santorini or Bali in 2025 and think, "Man, that was dumb. If I hadn't gone on that trip, I would have the money to fix my car." People rarely do that kind of math when it comes to travel. Probably because the money is gone anyway, and the experiences become a part of our stories. Find a travel rewards credit card, and you can use this trip to pay for another. So yes, take this inheritance, pay off some debt, and make your life easier. Do the smart, practical thing and invest, but also have fun. Use some of the money to build on the story of you and your husband's life. You may never have another chance to pay for the kind of trip this opportunity affords you. Don't miss it. For Love & Money Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form. Finding a financial advisor doesn't have to be hard. Zoe's free tool matches you with fiduciary financial advisors who serve your area in minutes. You deserve an advisor you can trust. Find, hire, and invest with vetted, fiduciary, financial advisors. Get started with Zoe.
Business Insider
27-04-2025
- Business
- Business Insider
My mom died, and my brothers want to sell the family home. How do I convince them to let me buy their share?
For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions. This week, a reader doesn't want to sell the family home, but their brothers disagree. Our columnist suggests insisting on an equitable plan that might make selling to you more desirable. Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form. Dear For Love & Money, My mom recently passed away and left my older brothers and me the family home and the 40 acres that it sits on. We've always been very different people. I like animals, being outdoors, and working with my hands. My brothers enjoy watching sports and playing video games. I want to keep the land and farm it. They want to sell it and split the proceeds. I know one of them is hard up for cash. I think the best solution is for me to buy their shares and keep the place. The issue is that I've offered them the appraisal value, and they feel like in our area, in this market, they could make substantially more than that. They're insisting on giving me a third of the land (not the part with the house on it), and taking offers on the rest. Besides my dream of having a farm someday, I know my parents would have wanted us to keep the land. How do I get my brothers to see reason and to do the right thing by me and our parents' memory? Sincerely, Trying to Keep It in the Family Compare Today's Banking Offers Dear Trying, Dividing an inheritance tends to be more complicated than it may seem from the outset. We want to believe that our sibling relationships will be strong enough to handle something as temporary and materialistic as the dissemination of the family fortune. But even if you avoid any lasting damage, you often still hit a few speed bumps. I have five siblings. We all grew up in the same house with the same parents, so you might think we all have the same basic value system. Sometimes we do, and sometimes we don't. For instance, some of us see holiday gatherings as something akin to a natural phenomenon — if you're breathing, you make it work. Some of my siblings don't see it that way. They believe family should offer unconditional flexibility and grace. You probably picked up from my pronoun usage that I land in the former school of thought. This doesn't mean my other siblings are wrong; their perspective is as valid as mine. It's just different. I tell you all this because working the land and preserving your parents' property as a family legacy is a beautiful value to hold, but that doesn't make your brothers wrong for not sharing it. Your parents didn't put a no-sell clause in their will, so there's no reason to see your brothers' desire to sell as a betrayal of your parents' memories. That said, your perspective is also valid. As the outdoorsy sibling, it would make sense that you may have spent more time with your parents out on the land, watching them work, and hearing them dream about the future of the family and home they built. I don't say this to dissuade you from fighting for the property. I think you should. I only point out the validity of various perspectives and priorities because I know how natural it feels to attach value judgments to personal conviction, and those are the fuel of most family feuds. You can push to get your way, buy out your siblings, and keep your parents' land together without causing an irreparable rift between you and your brothers. First, you should have the entire property surveyed and appraised. You mentioned your brothers wanting to give you a third of the land that doesn't include the house. Will your share have road access, water, gas, or electrical hookups? Giving you the third of land that is unusable isn't fair. Once you have a clearer picture of their portions' worth compared to yours, you can insist on a more equitable plan. This may mean taking your third and receiving some of the proceeds from the sale of the rest. This alone could convince your brothers to let you buy them out. Think of other ways you might sweeten the pot, based on their attachments to the place. You could host annual bonfires, allow them to continue storing their stuff in the barn, or offer them hunting rights if that's their thing. You mentioned farming; if you plan to run cows, offer them a side of beef at Christmas, free eggs, or produce from the garden every summer. Whatever you choose, the point is to underline the benefit of selling to family. Consult with realtors in your area to ensure you're making a great offer. However, if your siblings hear you out and still choose to take their chances on the open market, you can also take that route. Go through a real estate agent with the same offer. A tract of land that size doesn't usually sell quickly. Not to mention how rarely buyers want to risk paying significantly over appraisal value. Remember, you don't have to be right or prove your brothers wrong over the morality of the issue to have the smartest plan moving forward. In such cases, let the facts speak for themselves. Your offer will be a tough one to beat. Rooting for you, For Love & Money Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
