5 days ago
The Fascinating Reason Women Use Their ‘HR Voice' To Reject You
When a date doesn't go well, men will often accuse women of adopting an 'HR voice' — the polite, corporate way some women will text when they are done with dating you. Suddenly, a flirtatious text thread starts sounding like a meeting with human resources.
And although men go to social media to joke and complain about this formal shift, the women who do or encourage this say it's the kinder response.
'I'm the queen of a polite termination text,' said Emily Durham, a Toronto-based career coach and former recruiter who uses HR-speak when rejecting men she's gone on a few dates with. 'In times of stress, I default to speaking like I'm someone's human resources manager, and that's just how I am.'
What she does might sound similar to anyone who's had to hear hard news during a performance review.
'I'll use the sandwich method, which is [to] thank them for their time, compliment a character trait that I genuinely enjoy about them. Tell them it doesn't feel like the right connection for me right now,' she recalled. 'If it feels warranted to deliver feedback, for example, like because ... we work opposite hours or something like that, feel free to pop it in. ... And then like, 'Wishing you all the best.''
Why 'HR voice' can actually be a kinder, safer way to reject someone you've dated.
Durham defends the 'HR voice' for women and anyone who is queer or trans who are more likely to experience violence while dating. 'In the beginning of dating, you use this HR-speak to mitigate risk. You don't really know who you're dealing with yet, but you still want to balance being respectful,' she said.
Sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, author of 'This Is Supposed to Be Fun,' agreed with this use of HR voice, noting, 'If you expect that the person you're breaking up with will have an outsized response or you know them to be toxic or abusive, HR voice can be the best way to get your point across while protecting yourself.'
'People use 'HR voice' to soften the blow of emotionally charged and difficult conversations like breakups,' Battle said. 'We know that it's not kind to say to someone, 'I just don't want to date you anymore.' So people fall back on language that feels more clinical and sterile and devoid of emotion.'
There is no easy way to deliver the message that your connection, however short, has fizzled out, but an 'HR voice' text can at least firmly but gently let a person know it's over. 'It is coming from a place of having respect for the other person, like setting them free back into the dating universe,' Durham said.
It may also be kinder to send this type of message because it focuses on how you feel and is not a reflection of who your date is. 'I think a lot of people lean on these HR-safe termination messages because it centers more how that connection feels for you versus who that person is,' Durham said.
Dating and relationship coach Ali Jackson said she posts text templates of how to reject people and has been accused of perpetuating an 'HR voice.' When she has done it, her wording follows the script of ''Hey, I've really enjoyed getting to know you, but after thinking about it, I don't feel the romantic connection that I'm looking for. But I wish you all the best.' I sent that text countless times,' she said.
When people have critiqued her scripts as robotic and generic, 'My response is always like, 'Feel free to make it your own,'' she said. 'For me, that type of text message is actually pretty authentic.'
Of course, 'HR voice' is better-suited for early dating than long-term relationships. If a connection lasts beyond one or two dates, Durham said she will call to end things with someone.
'I do think it is context dependent,' Jackson said. 'If I was going to break up with my boyfriend right now, I certainly would not be sending him that text message.'
If you have been dating for more than a couple of months, Jackson recommends doing a phone call, at the very least.
That way, if you have been emotionally vulnerable with someone, the other person deserves a heartfelt message you cannot copy-paste.
Accusations of 'HR voice' might be a gendered idea.
Although women get called out for adopting an HR voice, they aren't the only people to default to corporate, generic responses when dealing with thorny emotions or rejection. 'I don't think that 'HR voice' is exclusive to women. I think that women tend to get their tone policed more than men, though,' Battle said.
Rejection texts that sound like HR may sting, but it's better than ghosting when someone asks for a third date. Some form of acknowledgment is welcomed, regardless of who you are.
'I think if a woman gets that response, she is so happy that this man has communicated his feelings, even if it sucks. She's not policing his language,' Jackson said.
'I've received the same messages from men, and I've never been like, 'Oh, it's corporate speak.' I was like, 'Oh, this is a direct, clear, empathetic communicator,'' Durham said. 'But when I have shared my termination texts, I'll get DMs [direct messages] from people being like, 'Oh my God, you're so stuffy.' I'm like, 'Am I? Or am I just not sugarcoating?''
Telling someone you don't want to date them is hard, no matter how you phrase it, but corporate language at least signals you're trying to soften the blunt edge of rejection.
'Hope you find what you're looking for' and 'Wish you all the best' may sound copy-pasted, but they're also an appropriate way to end an early connection. When you get it, the message is clear: your contract has ended; you're being dismissed.
'I understand why people don't like it; at the same time, I'm not sure that you're ever going to like that text,' Jackson said.
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