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Yahoo
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
This Is The Exact Amount Of 'Cyberstalking' You Should Do Before A First Date
Thanks to the internet, people can now walk into a first date armed with a full dossier on their potential new love interest. The problem with that approach is it's extremely creepy. At the same time, no one should enter a first date with a blank slate. For safety's sake, it's always a good idea to do some research beforehand, especially if you're a woman: 'The unfortunate reality is that people who identify as women are at more risk of physical harm when meeting someone for a date,' observed relationship coach Rachel Kahoopii. 'This is even more true for folks who are transgender.' How much research on your date is too much, though? Sure, we want — and deserve — to be safe when meeting someone new. But how do we walk this fine line of protecting ourselves while also allowing a relationship to grow organically? Most dating and relationship experts agree that the 'less is more' tactic is the way to go here. Conduct enough research so that you feel safe attending the first date, but don't go too far down the rabbit hole investigating your date's past. That's a one-way ticket to awkwardsville. 'I think not doing any cyberstalking at all is too little,' said Julie Nguyen, a Los Angeles-based certified dating coach with the dating app Hily. 'Everyone has a digital footprint, and checking out a few of their profiles helps make sure they are who they say they are, especially for women going on a date. This enables you to feel less like you're walking into the unknown and also helps you feel more confident about your match.' Read on for more of our experts' advice on how to determine the right amount of pre-first-date research. Sensible 'Cyberstalking' vs. Overkill A reasonable approach would be 'verifying what you already know about [the potential date] (e.g. they work where they say they do),' said Jaydi Samuels Kuba, CEO of LJMatchmaking and author of the book 'Your Last First Date: Secrets from a Hollywood Matchmaker.' 'A little curiosity is normal, and I think it can be smart when done lightly,' Nguyen said about gaming out your research. 'I always recommend doing enough to feel safe and feel out more of their energy. That can look like scrolling through their LinkedIn and Instagram, maybe checking out a mutual friend or two.' As long as you can corroborate that your upcoming date is who they say they are, there are no red flags just yet. But if you're doing things like running a paid background check, combing their social media profiles for conversation topics or doing deep dives into their past? Now you're entering overkill territory. And that can harm your relationship before it even begins. '[Research] becomes too much when you find yourself five years deep into their ex's tagged photos or listening to their Spotify playlists they made in college,' said Nguyen. 'When the investigation turns into getting overly attached by delving too deeply into their past, it can create too many expectations and overly inflate your perception of them.' How To Creep Your Date (Productively) Since you're inevitably going to do some investigation before the first date, just make sure you do so with intention. Ideally, you want to verify their identity. Samuels Kuba suggested starting with their social media: See if your date has at least one social media account, and if so, 'do they have a reasonable amount of friends/followers, and does it go far enough back to feel authentic?' Samuels Kuba acknowledged, however, that not everyone has social media. If that's the case, check if you have any mutual friends who can speak to your date's character. Check For Red Flags 'If your gut is telling you something is off, or they sound too good to be true, consider a phone call or virtual date, such as on Zoom, with them first,' Samuels Kuba said. 'Get a feel for what they are really like before agreeing to see them in person.' But a little bit of cyberstalking can also save you a lot of long-term heartache, specifically when it comes to identifying red flags. Kahoopii offers the following online research tips: Google their name to ensure they are who they say they are. Look at all of their social profiles and reverse image search their photos. It can be a red flag if someone doesn't have an online footprint. Even people who don't like social media typically have a LinkedIn profile. Check for extremist views, angry comments and shared memes that are overtly violent. This is less about being compatible with someone's viewpoints and more about emotional maturity and comfort with violence. A small amount of cyberstalking might also highlight green flags, which can assuage predate jitters. You're likely in a good position for that first date if their 'interests are consistent across all of their social media pages,' Nguyen said. Social media photos, she said, can also confirm your date's 'niche hobby' and if they are indeed 'close with their friends.' Now Actually Go On The Date The whole point of a first date is to get to know each other, so 'don't spoil the process by over-preparing!' advised Kahoopii. Remember that 'a first date isn't a job interview where you need to demonstrate that you did your research about the company in order to be taken seriously.' As for conversation topics, 'I'd say to do zero prep work beyond what you already know about them or what they make available to you,' Samuels Kuba said. 'If you're struggling with what to talk to them about, and it's only a first date, that's likely a sign that you don't have a strong enough connection with them. First dates should feel light — and not forced. If you have hobbies and interests, or values, in common, this will all come up naturally.' A first date is an opportunity to demonstrate your listening skills, so instead of showing off your exemplary research abilities, Kahoopii recommended bringing 'your attention and awareness,' because 'good connection and conversation come from being present.' '[On a first date], it's important to have mystery,' said Nguyen. 'Knowing just enough without their entire life story allows you to be present so you can dig deeper.' But that doesn't mean you shouldn't take a proactive stance: 'Share the stories that matter to you, and ask open-ended questions to peel back the layers,' Nguyen added. 'As long as you are meeting someone in a safe, public location, and you do not plan to go home with them afterward, try to leave as much as you can for the date itself,' Samuels Kuba said. Still, it's understandable if you are nervous about what questions to ask, so here are a couple of resources, courtesy Samuels Kuba, that can help you prep a few fun queries for your date: 'The Book of Beautiful Questions: The Powerful Questions that Will Help You Decide, Create, Connect and Lead'by 'questionologist' Warren Berger Psychologist Arthur Aron's 36 questions (featured in The New York Times) It's natural to turn our first-date 'elevator pitch' into a listing of our achievements, but remember that's only one facet of who we are. 'We often conflate someone knowing us with them knowing our histories and our accomplishments,' Kahoopii said. 'But who we are is revealed in the spontaneous moments we share on a date. Talk about your thoughts and feelings, not your resume — and ask for theirs! This is how you fall in love.' Related... 'Slow Burn' Is Trending On Dating Apps Right Now — But It Might Not Mean What You Think If You See This Word On A Man's Dating Profile... Run I Fell For A Catfish Who Scammed Me Out Of Thousands Of Dollars. Here's How It Happened. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
23-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
4 Signs You Have A 'Minimal Effort Partner.' And What To Do If This Kind Of Love Finds You.
Healthy relationships require good communication, mutual respect and a good deal of support — and we all know that these dynamics (unfortunately) don't just happen on their own. In a romantic partnership, especially a long-term one, it takes each partner consistently showing up for the person they love to make the magic happen. And that takes work. So what happens when it feels like one person in the relationship is completely dropping that ball? You may be dealing with a 'minimal effort partner.' Simply put, 'A minimal effort partner is a person who does the bare minimum when it comes to their relationship,' Dr. Marisa T. Cohen, relationship expert for the dating app Hily told HuffPost. This is a partner who will put in little work when it comes to the relationship, neglect their partner's needs and give indications that they might not be fully invested in the relationship. Typically, the minimal effort partner's behavior stems from the person's own insecurities or fears about getting hurt, Dr. Cohen said, therefore, they avoid getting truly attached to or pursuing deeper connections with their partner. Bonnie Winston, celebrity matchmaker and relationship expert, said that these behaviors could also be learned if they had unhealthy role models throughout their childhood. However, not all hope is lost if your partner exhibits any of the following signs — these are the kinds of issues couples work through all the time. Read on to learn the typical behaviors of a 'minimal effort partner' and what you can do if they sound a bit too much like your own relationship. They're not showing up for you. 'Showing up means being present, engaged and caring,' Winston said. 'It's about checking in, staying in contact, asking thoughtful questions, and showing curiosity about the other person's life, their day, interests and dreams.' On the flip side, a minimal effort partner doesn't ask how you're doing and won't remember the details that matter to you — whether it's your birthday, your favorite ice cream or even random facts that mean the most to you (like Taylor Swift's birthday). They won't try to connect with you on a deeper level, celebrate your wins or might bail on important events in your life, Winston added. 'It's about doing things that make the other person happy,' Winston said. 'A consistent lack of effort sends a clear message: They're not truly invested.' They don't prioritize communication. Communication is the most important skill for couples to have in order to maintain their relationship. But with a minimal effort partner, communication is a low priority, leaving issues to be discussed until the very last minute or not addressing them at all, according to Dr. Cohen. This can be something small, not mentioning plans until the very last minute, or avoiding discussing relationship issues. 'The minimal effort partner may simply not share what is going on in their life or may not add to conversations,' Dr. Cohen said. 'They may refuse to engage by shutting down or may be part of the conversation but not actively listening to their partner.' They avoid talking about the relationship. It's natural for relationships to evolve and change over time. You might want to know where this is going and talk about long-term plans, but a bare minimum partner will often dodge those conversations — which can make the partner who is putting more effort in feel like they're the only one who cares. '[Feelings of indifference] can negatively affect their partner because the person may start to feel as if they are not worth the effort,' Dr. Cohen added. 'The partner may fail to realize that the lack of effort is not a reflection of them, but an issue with the minimal effort partner.' And as we've all been told countless times, relationships really are a two-way street: 'Without working on the relationship or maintaining and strengthening the bond, the partnership is likely to erode over time,' Dr. Cohen said They don't plan anything. A minimal effort partner is unlikely to schedule date nights or plan vacations or outings with their partner, Dr. Cohen said. They often don't consider their partner's needs or wishes or are unable to prioritize those needs, so the planning can consistently end up falling on the other partner. If you're always making plans and want more involvement from your partner, Winston suggests trying this activity: have you and your partner write down five things you've always wanted to try. It can be anything from novel sex positions or acts that interest you, destinations you're dying to visit, or learning a new skill or trying out a hobby together. Swap the lists and choose at least one activity from each list to start. What to do when you're only getting the bare minimum from your partner. It's not the end of your relationship if your partner stops putting in the work. Sometimes the minimal effort partner doesn't realize they're slacking off, Winston said. First, try addressing the issue with them, and be vulnerable and honest about how the lack of effort makes you feel. To get back on track, Dr. Cohen notes that it's essential for couples to be able to communicate openly and honestly about their experiences within the relationship, including their needs and boundaries. Winston and Dr. Cohen also agree that visiting a couples therapist could help you build those skills and get to the root of the issue. 'A third person can offer an objective viewpoint and also a solution,' Winston said. It is possible for the minimal effort partner to change their ways, but it takes a lot of self-reflection. If they're still not making an improvement, ending the relationship might ultimately be worth considering. After all, it's better to be single than be with someone who isn't choosing you. 'Relationships thrive on mutual effort, presence and care, not passive indifference,' Winston said. 'A person not being cared for can have lowered self-esteem and stay in an unhappy situation, or they can realize they deserve much better and leave.' Related... A Woman On TikTok Calls These Strange Dating Behaviors 'Princess Treatment.' But Experts Aren't So Sure. New TikTok Trend Sheds Light On How Men Talk To Women. And The Responses Are Bleak. This Low-Effort Activity Could Improve Your Relationship Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
21-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Here's how to navigate dating during this month's Mercury retrograde in Leo
Mercury retrograde in Leo has arrived, folks. This summer, Mercury will be retrograde from July 18th until August 11th, clearing its post-retrograde shadow on August 25th. Are we in Mercury retrograde? Mercury is our planet of expression and exchange, and during its thrice-yearly retrograde, the realms it rules are compromised. While most of us are familiar with the hijinks doled out by this transit, including but not limited to misunderstandings, missed connecting flights and general mind fog, this transit can be hell on the heart meat. Relationships are challenging at any point in time, but Mercury's deceleration makes even the simplest exchanges feel hazardous, which serves to explain why more than 1 in 3 people stop dating altogether during the perilous weeks that Mercury backstrokes. What happens when Mercury is in retrograde Indeed, a survey from the dating app Hily found that 4 in 10 young American women and 1 in 5 men believe Mercury retrograde negatively affects their love life. And for those brave enough to face the fray of online dating during this transit, the odds of being ghosted are high. According to Hily, 74% of young American women and 77% of men experience an increase in ghosting on dating apps during Mercury retrograde. But experts assure that the search for love should not cease when the stars are acting up or moving backward. 'Dating during Mercury retrograde isn't doom or gloom. It just means that you might need to put more time and effort into looking for someone on dating apps,' Hily astrologer Lisa Stardust told The Post. Stardust suggests experimenting with app filters, using them to be hyperspecific one day and free for all the next. 'Don't put yourself in a corner, because you might not know who you're looking for.' What happens when Mercury is in retrograde When Mercury slows its roll, we too are encouraged to downshift — a practice that can be put to use in dating apps. 'Take time to build bonds. DM a few times to cultivate a connection and to create inside jokes. It'll help you suss out the winners from the bunch. Share old memories and childhood pics on your profile. Get nostalgic on the app to share various aspects of your authentic self with others.' If you make it to the in-person date, there are a few ways to ensure a smooth sail. 'Give yourself a little extra time to get ready and make sure you double-check reservations, because they could get canceled or there could be travel delays along the way.' They say all disappointments are a matter of mismanaged expectations. In kind, set yourself up for success through careful calibration. 'If you're out on the first date, you might opt to split the tab instead of expecting them to pay. Doing so will clear up confusion or miscommunications.' Mercury retrograde 2025 signs affected As Mercury is retrograde in Leo, the sign of the unapologetic hambone, Stardust implores daters to lead with equality rather than scene-stealing. 'Allow the other person to talk about themselves — don't Bogart the discussion. Encourage them to open up to give you a chance to get to know them better.' Two signs in particular will feel the effects of this retrograde most acutely. For Leos, this retrograde will affect their first house of identity, and for Aquarians, their seventh house of partnerships. 'Leo is going to take their time in romancing a potential partner and opt to play the field on the dating app before committing. Aquarius is looking for groups to connect with, so they're opting for a date night that includes friends. Odds are, Aquarius will spend more time Dming on the app before scheduling an IRL date.' Good luck out there, folks. When is Mercury in retrograde 2025? The next, and last Mercury retrograde of the year, begins on November 9th, 2025, at 2:01 am ET at 6° Sagittarius. Mercury will be retrograde during the problematic, familial feast of Thanksgiving, meaning turkey legs may be hurled and heads could roll. Mercury will remain retrograde until it turns direct in Scorpio on November 29th. The trickster planet will clear its post-retrograde shadow on December 16th. Mercury retrograde dates July 18, 2025 – August 11, 2025 in Leo November 9, 2025 – November 29, 2025 in Sagittarius and Scorpio. Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website. Solve the daily Crossword
New York Post
21-07-2025
- General
- New York Post
Here's how to navigate dating during this month's Mercury retrograde in Leo
Mercury retrograde in Leo has arrived, folks. This summer, Mercury will be retrograde from July 18th until August 11th, clearing its post-retrograde shadow on August 25th. Are we in Mercury retrograde? Mercury is our planet of expression and exchange, and during its thrice-yearly retrograde, the realms it rules are compromised. While most of us are familiar with the hijinks doled out by this transit, including but not limited to misunderstandings, missed connecting flights and general mind fog, this transit can be hell on the heart meat. Relationships are challenging at any point in time, but Mercury's deceleration makes even the simplest exchanges feel hazardous, which serves to explain why more than 1 in 3 people stop dating altogether during the perilous weeks that Mercury backstrokes. What happens when Mercury is in retrograde 3 More than 1 in 3 people stop dating altogether during the perilous weeks that Mercury backstrokes. InputUX – Indeed, a survey from the dating app Hily found that 4 in 10 young American women and 1 in 5 men believe Mercury retrograde negatively affects their love life. And for those brave enough to face the fray of online dating during this transit, the odds of being ghosted are high. According to Hily, 74% of young American women and 77% of men experience an increase in ghosting on dating apps during Mercury retrograde. But experts assure that the search for love should not cease when the stars are acting up or moving backward. 'Dating during Mercury retrograde isn't doom or gloom. It just means that you might need to put more time and effort into looking for someone on dating apps,' Hily astrologer Lisa Stardust told The Post. Stardust suggests experimenting with app filters, using them to be hyperspecific one day and free for all the next. 'Don't put yourself in a corner, because you might not know who you're looking for.' What happens when Mercury is in retrograde 3 For Leos, this retrograde will affect their first house of identity, and for Aquarians, their seventh house of partnerships. «MysticaLink» – When Mercury slows its roll, we too are encouraged to downshift — a practice that can be put to use in dating apps. 'Take time to build bonds. DM a few times to cultivate a connection and to create inside jokes. It'll help you suss out the winners from the bunch. Share old memories and childhood pics on your profile. Get nostalgic on the app to share various aspects of your authentic self with others.' If you make it to the in-person date, there are a few ways to ensure a smooth sail. 'Give yourself a little extra time to get ready and make sure you double-check reservations, because they could get canceled or there could be travel delays along the way.' They say all disappointments are a matter of mismanaged expectations. In kind, set yourself up for success through careful calibration. 'If you're out on the first date, you might opt to split the tab instead of expecting them to pay. Doing so will clear up confusion or miscommunications.' Mercury retrograde 2025 signs affected 3 74% of young American women and 77% of men experience an increase in ghosting on dating apps during Mercury retrograde. Ezio Gutzemberg – As Mercury is retrograde in Leo, the sign of the unapologetic hambone, Stardust implores daters to lead with equality rather than scene-stealing. 'Allow the other person to talk about themselves — don't Bogart the discussion. Encourage them to open up to give you a chance to get to know them better.' Two signs in particular will feel the effects of this retrograde most acutely. For Leos, this retrograde will affect their first house of identity, and for Aquarians, their seventh house of partnerships. 'Leo is going to take their time in romancing a potential partner and opt to play the field on the dating app before committing. Aquarius is looking for groups to connect with, so they're opting for a date night that includes friends. Odds are, Aquarius will spend more time Dming on the app before scheduling an IRL date.' Good luck out there, folks. When is Mercury in retrograde 2025? The next, and last Mercury retrograde of the year, begins on November 9th, 2025, at 2:01 am ET at 6° Sagittarius. Mercury will be retrograde during the problematic, familial feast of Thanksgiving, meaning turkey legs may be hurled and heads could roll. Mercury will remain retrograde until it turns direct in Scorpio on November 29th. The trickster planet will clear its post-retrograde shadow on December 16th. Mercury retrograde dates July 18, 2025 – August 11, 2025 in Leo November 9, 2025 – November 29, 2025 in Sagittarius and Scorpio. Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website.
Newsweek
18-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Newsweek
Why Women Are Rejecting the 'Summer Fling' on Dating Apps
Based on facts, either observed and verified firsthand by the reporter, or reported and verified from knowledgeable sources. Newsweek AI is in beta. Translations may contain inaccuracies—please refer to the original content. Some men may be all in for a summer fling, however some women are swiping left on the idea of a noncommittal summer romance, according to a new survey from dating app Hily. In Hily's new survey, which polled 8,000 Gen Z and millennials, 75 percent of young American men said they were hoping for a summer fling while only 37 percent of women said they were looking for the same. Why It Matters Both men and women have increasingly expressed frustrations with dating culture and dating apps today. Whereas men sometimes complain about low match rates, women often say they are inundated with too many options, low quality matches and disrespectful messages. Not being able to find someone who is looking for the same thing is also a significant challenge for singles, and a mismatch between women and men's expectations could contribute to the problem. What To Know The mismatch between men and women when it comes to a "summer fling" is exacerbated by the fact that for women, the number one reason to seek one was the curiosity of where things might go, indicating women were more inclined to see a summer fling as a potential pathway to a serious relationship. "This mismatch reveals a deeper truth about how Gen Z is navigating modern dating. While men may still be operating under more traditional, casual-first mindsets, many women are approaching even short-term flings with emotional curiosity and long-term potential in mind," Alex Elias, CEO at Qloo, a cultural artificial intelligence (AI) platform that partners with dating apps, told Newsweek. "There's a growing desire especially among women for depth, intentionality, and shared values, even in the context of something temporary." This misalignment can have devastating effects for women. In Hily's survey, 56 percent of young women said they felt heartbroken when a summer fling ended. "Women have more to risk when dating: they are inherently more prone to violence from the opposite sex, which could also be contributing to their disinterest in casual summer flings," MK Clarkin, a licensed clinical social worker and a therapist at LifeStance Health, told Newsweek. The chances of a summer fling leading to a serious relationship are not super high, the survey also found, with 42 percent of young women and 48 percent of young men saying their summer dating turned into a long-term relationship. A man holds his phone showing the dating application Bumble on February 26, 2020, in Washington, D.C. A man holds his phone showing the dating application Bumble on February 26, 2020, in Washington, D.C. ERIC BARADAT/AFP via Getty Images What People Are Saying Qloo's CEO Alex Elias told Newsweek: " At Qloo, we're seeing Gen Z daters move away from surface-level bios and toward cultural compatibility: what someone's into, how they spend their time, and what drives them. This cultural dimension is redefining attraction. Today's daters, especially women, are less interested in performative casualness and more interested in finding real connection, even if it starts as a summer fling." MK Clarkin, a licensed clinical social worker and a therapist at LifeStance Health, told Newsweek: "Regardless of gender identity, many individuals feel disillusioned with dating. Lack of genuine connection, ghosting and the fatigue associated with small talk in the early stages of getting to know someone all de-incentivize folks from pursuing a romantic relationship, especially when framed in the context of a brief summer fling, which may not be 'worth' the bandwidth to invest in someone that won't be around past Labor Day." Hallie Kritsas, a licensed mental health counselor with Thriveworks, told Newsweek: "This mismatch seems to reflect how gender norms still shape dating expectations. Most men are socialized and have societal expectations to seek fun and freedom, while women are often taught or it is the expectation for them to have an emotional connection, and they often seek it in casual flings as well. This can lead to misaligned intentions and more heartbreak for women who might enter into flings or situationships, hoping or wanting for more." What Happens Next? With men and women generally not aligned on what they're looking for on dating apps, more could end up deleting the platforms. An AppsFlyer survey from last year found 65 percent of dating apps get deleted within just a month. And of those who uninstall the apps, 90 percent do it within a week. "Men are unfortunately ridiculed for expressing emotions, leaving much of the emotional burden in a couple to the female role," Clarkin said. "This trend, compounded with the other factors identified here, make dating, let alone casual brief flings, highly unappealing for women, contrasting men's preferences for brief summer romances." ᐧ
