4 Signs You Have A 'Minimal Effort Partner.' And What To Do If This Kind Of Love Finds You.
In a romantic partnership, especially a long-term one, it takes each partner consistently showing up for the person they love to make the magic happen. And that takes work.
So what happens when it feels like one person in the relationship is completely dropping that ball? You may be dealing with a 'minimal effort partner.'
Simply put, 'A minimal effort partner is a person who does the bare minimum when it comes to their relationship,' Dr. Marisa T. Cohen, relationship expert for the dating app Hily told HuffPost. This is a partner who will put in little work when it comes to the relationship, neglect their partner's needs and give indications that they might not be fully invested in the relationship.
Typically, the minimal effort partner's behavior stems from the person's own insecurities or fears about getting hurt, Dr. Cohen said, therefore, they avoid getting truly attached to or pursuing deeper connections with their partner.
Bonnie Winston, celebrity matchmaker and relationship expert, said that these behaviors could also be learned if they had unhealthy role models throughout their childhood.
However, not all hope is lost if your partner exhibits any of the following signs — these are the kinds of issues couples work through all the time. Read on to learn the typical behaviors of a 'minimal effort partner' and what you can do if they sound a bit too much like your own relationship.
They're not showing up for you.
'Showing up means being present, engaged and caring,' Winston said. 'It's about checking in, staying in contact, asking thoughtful questions, and showing curiosity about the other person's life, their day, interests and dreams.'
On the flip side, a minimal effort partner doesn't ask how you're doing and won't remember the details that matter to you — whether it's your birthday, your favorite ice cream or even random facts that mean the most to you (like Taylor Swift's birthday). They won't try to connect with you on a deeper level, celebrate your wins or might bail on important events in your life, Winston added.
'It's about doing things that make the other person happy,' Winston said. 'A consistent lack of effort sends a clear message: They're not truly invested.'
They don't prioritize communication.
Communication is the most important skill for couples to have in order to maintain their relationship. But with a minimal effort partner, communication is a low priority, leaving issues to be discussed until the very last minute or not addressing them at all, according to Dr. Cohen. This can be something small, not mentioning plans until the very last minute, or avoiding discussing relationship issues.
'The minimal effort partner may simply not share what is going on in their life or may not add to conversations,' Dr. Cohen said. 'They may refuse to engage by shutting down or may be part of the conversation but not actively listening to their partner.'
They avoid talking about the relationship.
It's natural for relationships to evolve and change over time. You might want to know where this is going and talk about long-term plans, but a bare minimum partner will often dodge those conversations — which can make the partner who is putting more effort in feel like they're the only one who cares.
'[Feelings of indifference] can negatively affect their partner because the person may start to feel as if they are not worth the effort,' Dr. Cohen added. 'The partner may fail to realize that the lack of effort is not a reflection of them, but an issue with the minimal effort partner.'
And as we've all been told countless times, relationships really are a two-way street: 'Without working on the relationship or maintaining and strengthening the bond, the partnership is likely to erode over time,' Dr. Cohen said
They don't plan anything.
A minimal effort partner is unlikely to schedule date nights or plan vacations or outings with their partner, Dr. Cohen said. They often don't consider their partner's needs or wishes or are unable to prioritize those needs, so the planning can consistently end up falling on the other partner.
If you're always making plans and want more involvement from your partner, Winston suggests trying this activity: have you and your partner write down five things you've always wanted to try. It can be anything from novel sex positions or acts that interest you, destinations you're dying to visit, or learning a new skill or trying out a hobby together. Swap the lists and choose at least one activity from each list to start.
What to do when you're only getting the bare minimum from your partner.
It's not the end of your relationship if your partner stops putting in the work. Sometimes the minimal effort partner doesn't realize they're slacking off, Winston said.
First, try addressing the issue with them, and be vulnerable and honest about how the lack of effort makes you feel. To get back on track, Dr. Cohen notes that it's essential for couples to be able to communicate openly and honestly about their experiences within the relationship, including their needs and boundaries.
Winston and Dr. Cohen also agree that visiting a couples therapist could help you build those skills and get to the root of the issue. 'A third person can offer an objective viewpoint and also a solution,' Winston said.
It is possible for the minimal effort partner to change their ways, but it takes a lot of self-reflection. If they're still not making an improvement, ending the relationship might ultimately be worth considering. After all, it's better to be single than be with someone who isn't choosing you.
'Relationships thrive on mutual effort, presence and care, not passive indifference,' Winston said. 'A person not being cared for can have lowered self-esteem and stay in an unhappy situation, or they can realize they deserve much better and leave.'
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