11 hours ago
I've slept with 400 men to show them how to make love… parents have brought their sons to my £250-an-hour sessions
LYING in the arms of the man I'd just had fantastic sex with, I smiled with satisfaction.
Somewhere out there was the next woman he'd sleep with, and she'd never know that, thanks to me, he'd been transformed from a clueless virgin into a skilled lover.
But I wasn't in a relationship with this man – I was his sex therapist and surrogate.
Over three months, we'd progressed from him starting to get comfortable with physical intimacy, such as hand-holding, hugging and stroking, to more sexual touching.
And finally, we'd had sexual intercourse.
I've been a sex surrogate for 15 years, and during my career I've supported women with a fear of intimacy, helped a Hollywood actor overcome his sex addiction, and guided couples on how to safely have an open relationship.
I don't keep count of the number of clients I've slept with, but it's between 300 and 400.
Growing up in São Paulo, Brazil, if you'd told me that one day I'd be teaching people how to enjoy sex, I would never have believed it.
As a young woman, I was comfortable with my sexuality, but never questioned what I wanted or needed sexually.
I moved to London for university at 21, then married a few years later and had four children.
Running a successful events company with my husband, I enjoyed a comfortable lifestyle.
But working 18-hour days soon burned me out, and I just wasn't happy.
When I was 35, I ended my marriage, leaving my husband and the company, while I moved into a one-bedroom council flat with our children.
I'm a sex coach, women always ask what to do if their man won't talk about sex and it's NEVER a good sign
I went on to qualify as a masseuse, working with athletes and actors.
I enjoyed my job, but wasn't earning enough to give my children the life I wanted for them.
So, in 2013, I invested £3,000 in a surrogate partner therapy course, after seeing an ad in a local paper.
I thought it sounded like a great opportunity to further my massage skills, but on the first day, I was shocked to learn I'd be expected to have sex with clients.
I thought about quitting, but decided – with trepidation – to continue with the course because I'd paid so much money for it.
I'd studied tantric sex in my spare time, so I was more comfortable with my sexuality than ever, but I didn't know if I'd actually be able to go through with sleeping with someone.
Three months later, I met my first client, a single man in his 60s who was a virgin.
My initial thought was: 'I can't do this, he's the same age as my dad!'
But when I asked him why he'd come to the session, his response changed everything.
He explained that his brother had passed away recently, and he realised he didn't want to die without knowing what love felt like.
Men came to see me to overcome issues including being unable to get an erection, premature ejaculation, fear of intimacy and body dysmorphia
Kaly Miller
It helped me understand that there was a genuine need for sex surrogates and there was nothing sleazy about it.
I spent a month focusing on helping this man feel comfortable with his body, and teaching him how to touch a woman, before we had sex.
It felt so natural, as we'd established a trusting, loving bond and it made me realise how much impact a surrogate can have.
He went on to have a relationship with someone for the first time, and was so grateful.
How is masturbation beneficial for health?
Masturbation is nothing to be embarrassed about - after all, it's physically and mentally good for you!
Just like sex, masturbation - and likely an ending of orgasm - is healthy.
Masturbation releases endorphins which boost mood and can alleviate depressive symptoms and cortisol, the stress hormone.
It can help you relax, reduce stress and help you sleep better - which has a number of health benefits in itself.
In one study, published in the Frontiers in Public Health, almost half of men and women who masturbated before bed said they either got better sleep quality, or fell asleep quicker.
Spring Cooper is a social researcher with academic qualifications in public health, health promotion, and sexuality, said: "For women, masturbation can help prevent cervical infections and urinary tract infections through the process of 'tenting', or the opening of the cervix that occurs as part of the arousal process.
"Tenting stretches the cervix, and thus the cervical mucous.
"This enables fluid circulation, allowing cervical fluids full of bacteria to be flushed out.
"Masturbation can lower risk of type-2 diabetes (though this association may also be explained by greater overall health), reduce insomnia through hormonal and tension release, and increase pelvic floor strength through the contractions that happen during orgasm."
For men, there is evidence that climaxing may help to reduce the risk of prostate cancer - "probably by giving the prostate a chance to flush out potential cancer-causing agents," says Spring.
Though the benefits of masturbation are not the most scientifically studied, there's certainly no harm in doing it.
For the next five years, I worked under supervision – there was always a qualified sex surrogate present at all my client meetings, including during sex, and they would give me feedback and advise me if I was unsure.
Men came to see me to overcome issues including being unable to get an erection, premature ejaculation, fear of intimacy and body dysmorphia.
Women came to overcome trauma after giving birth, learn how to orgasm and to conquer their fear of penetration.
I also treated people who had difficulties after physical and sexual abuse.
THE NAKED ROOM
Eventually, I set up my own clinic, The Naked Room.
My four adult children and parents know and fully support what I do.
They all came to cheer me on when I won Somatic Sexologist of the Year at the Sexual Freedom Awards in 2022.
And though some friends were initially sceptical, they soon came round.
Before accepting clients, I meet them on Zoom so I can find out why they want to see me and also observe their body language, in order to spot unsuitable people who think they can just turn up and have sex with me.
One time, a man was naked. I turned off my camera and told him that's not what I'm here for.
Then, once they've completed a consent form and paperwork, my prices start from £250 for a one-hour in-person session, to £1,250 for a day session of five hours.
If a client is a virgin, the ultimate aim is for us to have sex.
If they're female, I can pass them on to a trusted male sex surrogate when they're ready.
Every client has to provide a recent STI test and I always use condoms.
I also work with couples, although I don't touch them – I coach them on how to touch each other.
I insist on at least three sessions, because this isn't a quick process, and a maximum of 10 to make sure they don't form a romantic attachment with me.
Before meeting a client, I prepare by going to the gym or doing yoga, and I meditate on my commute.
Since I turned 50, I'm conscious I need look my best, so I see a dermatologist, and of course I regularly do kegel exercises to keep my pelvic floor muscles tight.
There have been many memorable moments over the years.
When one client saw my vagina – the first he'd ever seen – he was blown away.
'It's marvellous!' he said. 'I love the colour and the texture.' I was thinking: 'I've had sex for 30 years and not once has a partner admired me the way this guy has.'
Then there was the man with autism, who I helped have sex for the first time. His parents used to bring him to the sessions with me, and were so grateful.
His dad said to me: 'Thank you for making him experience life as a man outside of his challenges.'
Those sorts of moments are humbling and make me realise how much I'm helping people.
My job has also helped me realise that sex can be incredibly powerful, rather than shallow or mediocre. I'm currently single, but I've had relationships since I became a sex surrogate.
I've learned to separate my professional and personal life to avoid falling into 'work mode' and educating partners on being the ideal lover.
I'm always transparent with a partner about my work and, so far, they've all been open-minded and unfazed by the fact I'll be sleeping with other men, and that I often get aroused while doing so.
I have no intention of stopping anytime soon – I feel privileged to help people overcome their issues.
Everyone who wants to enjoy great sex should be able to, and I'm happy to play a part in helping them achieve that.
