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Boston Globe

The Presidential Fitness Test, revamped!

Conspiracy Theory Sit-and-Reach Test your psychological flexibility by sitting with your legs apart and reaching for the wackiest, perviest, most Democrat-damning explanation you can think of for the country's biggest unsolved mysteries. Do you have what it takes to reach 'Obama invented the Epstein files'? How about 'George Soros' fluoride water will turn your kid gay'? And only the bendiest of minds can touch their fingers to 'PIZZAGATE!' Mental Balance Beam Try your best not to fall while maintaining that Putin is a very good guy, but also war is bad and Russia is doing terrible things to Ukraine. Advertisement Bootstrap Pull-Ups See if you can make ends meet through the sheer power of your own will and immigrant-free labor, because soon you'll no longer have Medicaid! Get The Gavel A weekly SCOTUS explainer newsletter by columnist Kimberly Atkins Stohr. Enter Email Sign Up Softball Throw Ask the president questions like 'What's your favorite precious metal?,' 'How do you spell 'cat'?,' and 'How much is something on the dollar menu at McDonald's?' without getting banned from the White House press pool. Wall Sit Channel your inner Humpty Dumpty and sit on a wall during a hurricane to see how long you can survive, now that Kristi Noem is running FEMA. Push (Rich People) Up Beginning in a plank position, allow members of the 1 percent to climb onto your back and slowly lower yourself to the ground. Cheer as they collect their tax refunds, receive presidential pardons, and use PBS-allocated money to purchase real estate on Mars. Never get back on your feet. Advertisement 50-Yard DoorDash Even delivering food doesn't pay much in Trump's economy, so see how fast you can run home after stealing the Seamless bag off your neighbors' porch.