The Presidential Fitness Test, revamped!
Test your psychological flexibility by sitting with your legs apart and reaching for the wackiest, perviest, most Democrat-damning explanation you can think of for the country's biggest unsolved mysteries. Do you have what it takes to reach 'Obama invented the Epstein files'? How about 'George Soros' fluoride water will turn your kid gay'? And only the bendiest of minds can touch their fingers to 'PIZZAGATE!'
Mental Balance Beam
Try your best not to fall while maintaining that Putin is a very good guy, but also war is bad and Russia is doing terrible things to Ukraine.
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Bootstrap Pull-Ups
See if you can make ends meet through the sheer power of your own will and immigrant-free labor, because soon you'll no longer have Medicaid!
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Softball Throw
Ask the president questions like 'What's your favorite precious metal?,' 'How do you spell 'cat'?,' and 'How much is something on the dollar menu at McDonald's?' without getting banned from the White House press pool.
Wall Sit
Channel your inner Humpty Dumpty and sit on a wall during a hurricane to see how long you can survive, now that Kristi Noem is running FEMA.
Push (Rich People) Up
Beginning in a plank position, allow members of the 1 percent to climb onto your back and slowly lower yourself to the ground. Cheer as they collect their tax refunds, receive presidential pardons, and use PBS-allocated money to purchase real estate on Mars. Never get back on your feet.
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50-Yard DoorDash
Even delivering food doesn't pay much in Trump's economy, so see how fast you can run home after stealing the Seamless bag off your neighbors' porch.
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But with Texas Republicans poised to redraw their map in the coming weeks — a rare, mid-decade reworking designed, at the request of Trump, to pick up GOP seats — Democrats say the moment demands fighting fire with fire. 'Under the circumstances, you get in a fight, you've got to make sure you've got the same type of weapons, or better weapons, than the other side does,' said the lawmaker on the Holder call. 'So you can't just unilaterally give up.' The push to redraw House maps is not clear cut, though, since each state determines how they draw their congressional lines. In New York, a redistricting commission starts the process of drawing the House lines, subject to the legislature's approval. If the legislature approves the lines crafted by the commission, they head to the governor's office for signature. New York won't be able to pass a new House map in time for 2026 given that allowing the state to pursue mid-decade redistricting will require an amendment to the state Constitution. The legislature needs to pass that amendment in two consecutive sessions before it goes to the voters for a vote. That timeline means the earliest New York could draw maps would be for the 2028 cycle. The process is easier in Illinois and Maryland, where the legislature takes up the task of drawing lines. Once they're passed by state lawmakers, they require the governor's signature for approval. But unlike New York, Democrats have fewer opportunities to pick up seats in Illinois and Maryland, which already have predominantly Democratic congressional delegations. Stretching out gains in Democratic states also runs the risk of making Democrats' seats more competitive, too. House Republicans, meanwhile, have slammed Newsom's effort, arguing he's doing so because of his rumored 2028 aspirations. 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In the past, Democrats have expressed concerns that adopting mid-decade redistricting would set a terrible precedent and make the Congress even more polarized than it already is. But those reservations have been eclipsed by what the party sees as an existential threat to the country if Trump is allowed to move through the remainder of his term unchecked. Party leaders appear to be on board. 'People are very upset, and pretty much anybody is on the same [page],' the Democratic lawmaker said. 'They're saying, 'In the past we've taken a different position, but we can't come in empty handed while they're coming in with guns to the fight. 'Democrats, and certainly our leaders, are saying that, 'We've taken a different position on redistricting [in the past], but this time we cannot do it.''
