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The Dark Secret I Hid While Raising My Daughter
The Dark Secret I Hid While Raising My Daughter

Buzz Feed

time2 days ago

  • Health
  • Buzz Feed

The Dark Secret I Hid While Raising My Daughter

The moment I knew for certain that something was wrong with my toddler was on her 3rd birthday, when she hid in our garage from the Disney princess we'd hired to entertain her and her friends. Rainy loved watching the magical princesses on television and had yearned for Sleeping Beauty to visit our home. So we proudly hired a genuine ex-princess from Disneyland, thinking we'd win some kind of parenting trophy. Instead, as Sleeping Beauty tried to dote on Rainy, she pulled away, uncomfortable with the eye contact and the infringement upon her physical boundaries. It wasn't until we asked Sleeping Beauty to leave, rushing her out with apologies and a large tip, that Rainy finally calmed down. That night, my partner Johnny and I understood something we never had before: Our daughter wasn't just shy or quirky. She needed help. During Rainy's first 3 years, we had noticed that she avoided other kids, struggling to handle the sounds, excitement and demands of group play. As a baby, Rainy had hated to be held or interacted with by strangers, or anyone who wasn't us. There was also this: Rainy was failing tummy time. Tummy time was a big topic in our baby group. Our pediatrician told us that tummy time is 'crucial to the development of all babies' and that sensory issues are usually the culprit when a baby can't perform the appropriate tasks. We were the only couple in our group whose 3-month-old failed to reach for an object while engaging her core. Time marched forward, and Rainy's other target milestones were not being met either, not by a long shot. At 18 months, she was still babbling sounds that didn't form words. In the knowing glances of the other moms, I sensed concern, fear and judgment. After Rainy's 3rd birthday, we decided we needed to see a specialist. While waiting weeks for our appointment, I suddenly remembered the Percocet my doctor had prescribed to me for my postpartum cramping. I took two. A warm haze erased my fear and doubt, replacing them with something very close to confidence, or at least a lighter spirit. The pills were clean, too. No smell, no taste, no detection. They allowed me to escape the fear that I was simply not cut out to mother my child. The days were long. I tried desperately to create a schedule that was both healthy and fun, as Rainy seemed to retreat further into her mind and away from us, becoming increasingly imprisoned in her imagination. My mother had been agoraphobic, scared of wide open spaces. Now my daughter, too, was flailing whenever we went outside, bringing back my most difficult childhood memories. Around this time, I upped my dose to three Percocet a day. The specialist we saw a few weeks after her birthday party observed Rainy doing extensive testing. We were finally summoned to hear the results, coming in nervous and hopeful. I impatiently listened to a long list of scores and percentages until the doctor used the word 'autism.' While I stared at her blankly, she said, 'You'll have to lower your expectations. Her development will be slow, and she may never be independent.' As we exited the office, Johnny let go and began to cry. That's good, I thought, one of us needs to feel something. I believed that I needed to conceal my own emotions. We couldn't both be devastated at the same time. Yet, I promised myself I would show up for Rainy. I decided to leave my career in documentary television to take on the challenge of intervention, assembling a team of professionals specializing in speech therapy, occupational therapy, behavior modification, social skills, and coordination. What I didn't notice was that as I was putting everything into my daughter, I was also losing myself. By now, I was up to five Percocets a day. I needed to nod out to escape the unbearable awareness that I may not be able to be a champion for my daughter to thrive. But what I was really doing was running on a treadmill. I needed to find pavement again. When Rainy turned 3-and-a-half, I unexpectedly became pregnant again. We couldn't decide whether to keep the pregnancy or not. What if a new sibling proved harmful to Rainy's development? How would she react? Then there were the pros. What if this was meant to be? What if a sibling comforted her? Dr. Spock never covered this conundrum. 'If you have this baby,' my mom told me, 'you'll ruin yours and Rainy's life.' Would it, though? After many nights turning the subject around and around, we decided I would have an abortion. My mother's words rang in my ears on the hour, every hour, for a long time. Was I making the decision to abort for my mother or Rainy? For Johnny and me? I still wonder to this day. Johnny and I recovered from the abortion day by day. The world, Rainy's world, was fragile. We avoided most birthday parties and declined invitations for playdates, which were dwindling anyway. I started to feel like we were porcelain figures acting out a family. By now, I was up to 10 Percocet a day at times, as I willed myself to pass out through more and more of my life. Slipping away from one's own life into an opiate-induced haze was one thing, but slipping away from the demands of a struggling child felt criminal. But Rainy's fourth year brought improvements. She could speak. She was making more eye contact and completing tasks. She was taking her meals seated at the table in restaurants rather than under the furniture. She was able to attend preschool with a one-to-one 'shadow' teacher. She even danced to Beyonce's 'Crazy In Love' at the school talent show. The ground felt firmer, and Johnny and I began discussing the possibility of growing our family again, which left me feeling both terrified and optimistic. On a random, desperate day for me, when the 10 Percocet no longer made me feel better, I drank the hydrocodone cough syrup my doctor had recently prescribed for my strep throat. The more I drank the magical elixir, the floatier I felt. When I blacked out from drinking too much, Johnny had to take me to the emergency room. My stomach was pumped. There was a psych consult, and I did a verbal dance to avoid being admitted. 'I just needed a break,' I told the doctor with the well-practiced poker face that came from being a survivor of trauma. 'This was the first and last time I'll do something like this.' I knew that was a lie. Once it was determined I was not a threat to myself, I was returned to the care of the ER doctor. 'It's very dangerous what you did, for you and your pregnancy,' the doctor told me. I hadn't known I was pregnant. His words filled me with shame and joy all at once. Johnny and I had another chance to bring a baby into the world. I convinced myself that Johnny and I were more prepared now, and that having a second child would somehow force me to get myself together. So we continued with the pregnancy. But I kept my ongoing use of opiates a secret from everyone, including Johnny. I managed to wean myself off the pills with the help of a doctor, an outpatient Dialectical Behavior Therapy program and a new regimen of antidepressants. It didn't help that for nine months, migraines haunted me day and night. Nonetheless, in the winter of 2012, we welcomed our second daughter, Lulla, into the world. They say that relapse is part of the recovery process. When Lulla was a year old, I took two opiates and then some more. You'll have to ask Johnny about how he discovered me passed out in our driveway while our children slept inside. I mostly never took pills when the girls were in my care, saving my pill-popping for when I was alone or the babysitter was with the children. The sober me was a hardworking mom fighting for Rainy and caring for Lulla gently through her babyhood. I knew I was putting my daughters at risk when I relapsed. In some way, my urgent self-destruction felt empowering, because it felt like taking my 'medicine' was the one thing I was doing for myself. As my tolerance grew, I doubled, then tripled the dose until the drugs consumed the beautiful part of me that had begun to grow in sobriety. I was sick and desperate to feel normal again. I returned to therapy and started a new course of anti-anxiety and depression medication. For one month, a nurse came to supervise me as my body went through withdrawals from opiates. I felt hot, then cold. There were aches and pains that felt like voltage running through my body. I couldn't eat. I would take laps around the house, but that was as far as I could go. In this way, I detoxed for what I hope will be the last time. It's now 13 years later, and it's a Friday night. Rainy is trying on her prom dress, and her sister is memorizing lyrics to her favorite song. According to her doctor, Rainy no longer exhibits many of the symptoms of her autism; we now use the broader term 'executive functioning disorder.' Today, people talk about autism in a way I couldn't have imagined in 2007. Now there are chat rooms, Reddit threads and reality shows about people with autism. We understand better that 'normal' or neurotypical is a spectrum of its own, and that many of us are divergent in some way. My mom's mental illness is one example. My struggle with addiction was, too. It took almost a decade and a half to get here, not to mention all the ways I lost — and then found — myself. Now I do my best to show up for life's highs and lows. In therapy, I have worked to drop the 'perfect' persona and the fight, flight, freeze response of my childhood trauma. I am grateful that the girls were too young to remember the days when their mom could only take care of herself by taking a substance. I don't feel like a member of a porcelain family anymore — I'm no longer so easily shattered.

Canadian pharmacies take steps to mitigate shortage of prescription painkillers
Canadian pharmacies take steps to mitigate shortage of prescription painkillers

Hamilton Spectator

time29-07-2025

  • Health
  • Hamilton Spectator

Canadian pharmacies take steps to mitigate shortage of prescription painkillers

TORONTO - Canadian pharmacies say they are taking steps to mitigate a shortage of prescription painkillers and make sure patients don't go through withdrawal or physical discomfort. Earlier this month Health Canada said the drugs that are in short supply include those that contain acetaminophen with oxycodone, such as Percocet, as well as acetaminophen with codeine, for instance Tylenol 3. These medications are prescribed to treat a wide range of ailments, from root canals to chronic back pain. The federal agency's notice said the shortage is caused by increased demand and manufacturing disruptions at some of Canada's largest pharmaceutical companies. The Canadian Pharmacists Association says a significant resupply is anticipated in early August. Shelita Dattani, senior vice president of pharmacy affairs and strategic engagement at Neighbourhood Pharmacy Association of Canada, said some pharmacies are capping supplies to 30 days to ensure there is enough for all patients. Dattani, who also works as a pharmacist in Ottawa, said it's important not to abruptly discontinue access to an opioid prescribed for pain because it could result in a patient going through withdrawal. She says there are alternative medications, but going on a new opioid is not a simple switch. This report by The Canadian Press was first published July 29, 2025. Canadian Press health coverage receives support through a partnership with the Canadian Medical Association. CP is solely responsible for this content.

Canadian pharmacies take steps to mitigate shortage of prescription painkillers
Canadian pharmacies take steps to mitigate shortage of prescription painkillers

Winnipeg Free Press

time29-07-2025

  • Health
  • Winnipeg Free Press

Canadian pharmacies take steps to mitigate shortage of prescription painkillers

TORONTO – Canadian pharmacies say they are taking steps to mitigate a shortage of prescription painkillers and make sure patients don't go through withdrawal or physical discomfort. Earlier this month Health Canada said the drugs that are in short supply include those that contain acetaminophen with oxycodone, such as Percocet, as well as acetaminophen with codeine, for instance Tylenol 3. These medications are prescribed to treat a wide range of ailments, from root canals to chronic back pain. The federal agency's notice said the shortage is caused by increased demand and manufacturing disruptions at some of Canada's largest pharmaceutical companies. The Canadian Pharmacists Association says a significant resupply is anticipated in early August. Shelita Dattani, senior vice president of pharmacy affairs and strategic engagement at Neighbourhood Pharmacy Association of Canada, said some pharmacies are capping supplies to 30 days to ensure there is enough for all patients. Dattani, who also works as a pharmacist in Ottawa, said it's important not to abruptly discontinue access to an opioid prescribed for pain because it could result in a patient going through withdrawal. She says there are alternative medications, but going on a new opioid is not a simple switch. This report by The Canadian Press was first published July 29, 2025. Canadian Press health coverage receives support through a partnership with the Canadian Medical Association. CP is solely responsible for this content.

There's a painkiller shortage in Canada. Here's what to know

time29-07-2025

  • Health

There's a painkiller shortage in Canada. Here's what to know

There is a shortage of some commonly-prescribed painkillers in Canada, as companies that supply them deal with manufacturing disruptions and increased demand, according to a notice (new window) published on Health Canada's website. The medications in question are acetaminophen with codeine (sometimes known as Tylenol 3) and acetaminophen with oxycodone (sometimes sold under the brand name Percocet). As a result of the shortage, Health Canada's notice said these drugs have become harder to get and may not always be available. Here's what you need to know. Manufacturing troubles cause ripple effects Health Canada's notice says the shortage of acetaminophen with codeine is linked to manufacturing disruptions reported by Teva Canada Limited, resulting in increased demand and shortages reported by Apotex Inc and Laboratoire Riva Inc, the other companies that also market the drug in Canada. Teva's manufacturing problems are also affecting its supply of acetaminophen with oxycodone, leading to an increased demand other companies can't make up for. In a statement, Teva said the problem is due to a short delay in our supply chain relating to the active pharmaceutical ingredient (API) shipment from our supplier. The company says it expects to be able to accelerate production of an initial supply for early August 2025 and for full supply to be restored in Canada by September. A spokesperson for Health Canada, Mark Johnson, said in a statement that the agency is working closely with manufacturers, health-care providers and provinces and territories to monitor the situation and explore options to increase access. You never want to see a shortage, period. But you definitely don't want to see it with something that's this common, said Mina Tadrous, associate professor with the Faculty of Pharmacy at the University of Toronto. Tadrous says these drugs are prescribed for both acute pain — following a surgery or dental procedure for example — and for chronic pain, for patients who need them on a long-term basis. He says supply-chain problems for one drug company can affect supply across Canada. We see a domino effect. One drug goes on shortage, everyone switches to another generic, he said. That trickles through. 'Don't panic,' pharmacists say While the shortage can complicate things for patients and pharmacists, the Canadian Pharmacists Association says pharmacists are used to managing drug shortages and helping patients through them. The good news is, there are alternatives available, said Sadaf Faisal, a pharmacist and senior director of professional affairs at the Canadian Pharmacists Association. Faisal said the association is in close contact with Health Canada and is monitoring the situation closely. In the meantime, her advice to patients is: Don't panic. Talk to your health-care providers, go to your pharmacist. They have resources available to them that provide the safer alternative. She also advises patients to try not to wait until they are almost out of their medications to renew prescriptions. What pharmacists are doing The association has published a clinical resource (new window) for pharmacists as they navigate the shortage. It provides guidance on suitable alternative medications, switching strategies and how to best monitor changes. Faisal says pharmacists can work with patients to fine-tune suitable alternatives according to their conditions, medications and medical histories, It's based on the situation, she said. It's not a one-size fits all approach. Tadrous says patients will still be treated and get the drugs they need, but notes drug shortages can create extra work for pharmacies and physicians. It's still kind of burdensome for an already stretched system, he said. Alison Northcott (new window) · CBC News · National Reporter Alison Northcott is a national reporter for CBC News in Montreal, covering health, business and politics. Born in Winnipeg, she is a graduate of Toronto Metropolitan University and has over 15 years experience in journalism.

Canada is facing a shortage of common prescription painkillers. Here's who could be most affected
Canada is facing a shortage of common prescription painkillers. Here's who could be most affected

Hamilton Spectator

time28-07-2025

  • Health
  • Hamilton Spectator

Canada is facing a shortage of common prescription painkillers. Here's who could be most affected

A nationwide shortage could see some Canadians struggling to access common prescription painkillers this summer. Last week, Health Canada issued a notice to the public that manufacturers of drugs containing acetaminophen with codeine or oxycodone, like Percocet and Tylenol-3s, are experiencing shortages. While 'frustrating,' the lack of access doesn't necessarily need to be a major concern, said Mina Tadrous, associate professor at the University of Toronto's faculty of pharmacy. 'An important thing to remember within that is: not all shortages lead to a total lack of drugs,' Tadrous told the Star. 'It's just that the amount that's coming into the country doesn't meet the demand.' There are a variety of alternative options for patients, he added. 'It's just about navigating it in conjunction with your health-care team.' Here's what you need to know. In a statement to the Star on Friday, the Canadian Pharmacists Association (CPA) said the shortage is a result of manufacturing issues affecting 'one major supplier,' which has seen other manufacturers put under increased pressure, leading to widespread supply challenges. The specifics of those manufacturing issues remain unclear, said Tadrous. Under Canadian law, drug manufacturers are required to report shortages in advance. However, the reasons can often be vague. 'I think it's probably one of the combination products within these types of drugs that they're having an issue with,' Tadrous said. The CPA said it expects the shortage to persist into August. Because of the nature of the supply chain, it can often take weeks, or even months, for the general public to feel the repercussions of a shortage, said Tadrous. 'But then it can also take weeks or months to get it back,' he said. 'So I think what we anticipate is that this will probably linger for a couple more weeks, if not maybe a few months.' 'There are two groups of patients that we tend to worry about in these situations,' said Tadrous. The first are people in acute pain — for example, those who have just had a dental or surgical procedure. In those cases, 'we have other options available,' Tadrous said. 'So for them, we can navigate it by looking at those other options, while being careful that we don't trigger other shortages.' In general guidance issued by the CPA, pharmacy staff were instructed to avoid starting acute-pain patients on acetaminophen with codeine or oxycodone. For those with common pain conditions, like back pain or headaches, non-opioid alternatives are recommended. The second group is those with chronic pain conditions, like arthritis. 'The worry there is that we don't want to destabilize these patients who may be comfortable taking these medications or even reliant on them,' he said. For this group, the CPA advises against stopping the prescription abruptly. Instead, pharmacists are encouraged to help patients 'taper slowly or switch to another opioid,' often at a lower dose to avoid the risk of overdose. 'I wouldn't stress out,' Tadrous said. 'Talk to your pharmacist. They're specialists in helping you navigate these kinds of things.' In its statement, the CPA reiterated that other medication options are available, but that pharmacists 'need to work with each patient to find the right fit.' 'The challenge is that these alternatives are also controlled substances, so pharmacists have to involve a physician to make any changes,' it reads. If you need a refill of prescription pain medication, make sure you contact your pharmacist or doctor with lots of time to plan ahead, said Tadrous. 'Don't wait until your refill is almost done.' In its notice, Health Canada advised against turning to products from unlicensed or unverified sellers, which may not meet national quality and safety standards. 'Luckily, I don't think this shortage is going to be that dire,' said Tadrous, of the possibility of people turning to unregulated markets. 'Again, I do think we have a lot of other options out there.' Error! Sorry, there was an error processing your request. There was a problem with the recaptcha. Please try again. You may unsubscribe at any time. By signing up, you agree to our terms of use and privacy policy . This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google privacy policy and terms of service apply. Want more of the latest from us? Sign up for more at our newsletter page .

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