Latest news with #Prudie
Yahoo
11-08-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Help! My Husband Says It's Unfair He'll Never Be a Dad. But Having Kids Could Cost Me My Life.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we're diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, My husband and I married somewhat later in life and agreed that we would not take extraordinary measures to have kids if it came down to it. Well, turns out we would need them. Aside from being in the 'geriatric' pregnancy age range, I'd need extensive tests and procedures and likely many rounds of IVF to get even close. And it would still be medically dangerous in some ways. So, having shared this with him, I made a kind of sad peace with it a year or so ago. I'll be OK if it's just us and the pets, and I'm open to adoption. Tonight after his regular therapy session, though, he said his therapist told him to tell me how sad he is over it. 'Some people can be satisfied with just their pets as their kids. I'm not,' he said, and then said how unfair it is that he doesn't get to be a dad because he'd be great at it, and he'll always feel like he missed out. I asked him, kindly I thought, if it's wrong for us to stay married then, that I'll always feel like I did this to him, held him back. He said he told his therapist that I'd say that, and that I'm the love of his life, it's not my fault, and he can't imagine life without me. But if he'll never be fully happy, what do I even say to that? I already made some peace with this, but clearly he hasn't, and I have no idea what to say or do next. —Not Child-Free By Choice Dear Choice, One open question seems to be whether your husband would consider adoption—you know he wouldn't be happy with just the pets, but it's not clear whether he'd be interested in becoming a father through adoption. That's a significant potential solution! Since your husband seems to have drawn a lot of clarity and support from his own therapist, it might be helpful to see a couples therapist together for a while as you struggle to have difficult-yet-loving conversations about your future. You've just absorbed a lot of new information, both about your own ability to safely get pregnant and about your husband's feelings, but while much of this is time-sensitive, you don't have to make any urgent decisions or arrive at permanent resolutions in the next few days or even weeks. I hope you can both grant yourselves a great deal of flexibility and compassion on this subject; I might wish your husband had not said, 'I'll always feel like I missed out' to you, but I can certainly understand an imperfect attempt to communicate something profound and powerful on first blush. You don't have to figure out whether it's right or wrong, fair or unfair to stay married to each other. It's not a question of right or wrong, but a question of what kinds of regrets one is prepared to own and live with, to work through together. —Danny M. Lavery From: Help! Is It Wrong for Us to Stay Married if I Can't Have Kids? (March 10, 2021). Dear Prudence, How do you tell someone they're bad at something they think they are good at? My friend is a terrible baker and she thinks she's great. Her baking is inedible. She instigates cookie exchanges and offers to bake for parties. Her stuff is frankly embarrassing to serve. Do we tell her, and if so, how? Or let it go since it's mostly innocuous and throw it all out after she leaves? —No More Cookies, Please Dear Cookies, I think you're free to follow your heart on this one! In the grand scheme of things, you're right that it's mostly innocuous to occasionally take a polite nibble of her cookies, offer her a white lie, and then get rid of the remainders; it's not going to ruin your friend's life and if the most embarrassing thing that happens to her is she occasionally goes home with more leftovers than she'd planned on, I think she'll be fine. I certainly don't think you should tell her that her baking embarrasses you. If you want to tell her this latest batch is too salty, or tastes like the ingredients have gone off, by all means do so, but you don't need to tell her she's somehow humiliated you, since I do think that's a step too far. I'd really lean toward one-off honesty rather than, 'You're a lousy baker and we've all been mortified on your behalf.' Stick with 'Thank you so much for bringing these. But I think you might have mixed up the salt and sugar, because they're overpoweringly bitter!' She'll feel a little bad, you'll feel a little relieved, and everyone will survive. —D. M. L. From: Help! I've Realized After 20 Years That I Was Abusive to My Partner. Is It Too Late to Apologize? (Dec. 29, 2020). Dear Prudence, I noticed a few months ago that one of my co-workers seemed to be nodding off at her desk, but I figured she was just listening to a meeting or something on her computer with her eyes closed. (She had on headphones.) But one day, after she didn't respond to a message, I got up to speak with her. She was literally startled from sleep. I didn't tell my other co-workers or boss about the interaction or what I have been noticing. The woman is in her late 20s and was at the company before I joined. She was recently promoted to a more senior role. I figured our boss must feel she's getting her work done, and there could be more at play—like a health issue—than I realize. We recently moved into a new office where I can more clearly see her nodding off. Other co-workers have started making similar observations and commenting to each other about her behavior. I'm concerned she's going to either get in trouble or end up being ostracized. Should I talk to my co-worker or boss about this? Or should I just stay out of it? —Co-Worker Openly Dozing Off in Open Office Dear Dozing, I think you can trust your boss will handle this with her, if and when it becomes a problem affecting her work. If your co-workers try to bring it up with you, you can just say something like 'I don't think this is any of my business' and make it clear you're not interested in gossiping about her. I think this is a real opportunity for nonaction. If you see her fall asleep and it doesn't affect your ability to get your work done, don't worry about it; if you see an opportunity to encourage others to leave her alone, take it. —D. M. L. From: Help! Way Too Many People Have Seen My Boyfriend Naked. (Dec. 31, 2019). About a year ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Her dad and I were not married, had dated briefly, and ended up being friends more than anything. We were great co-parents and were fairly happy. About three months after my daughter was born, he gave the indication that he wanted to get back together. So we started dating. He had even hinted that we should get married in 2018. Fast forward to just a few days ago, when he drops a bombshell that he is gay. He says he has only been with me and 'entertaining' our relationship because he wanted to make sure he was gay. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
28-07-2025
- Lifestyle
- Yahoo
Help! My Husband Thinks Sexting Is My 'Wifely Duty'
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we're diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, I've been married happily for more than a decade and my husband and I are in our 30s with young children. We have an active bedroom life, and work together to keep our relationship and love life intact. My husband likes sexting (what man doesn't?) and I usually don't. I have to be in the right mood for it, and usually during the day I'm busy with work, errands, etc. I'm uncomfortable sending pictures of myself or saying things I'm not really thinking or feeling. I do indulge when I'm in the right mood, but most of the time when he asks, I just don't want to! Recently, in a text conversation, he hinted toward it, I changed the topic (my gentle letdown tactic), he asked outright, and I told him to stop pressuring me. He said he didn't like being accused of pressuring me, and we argued. Is this something I should do as part of my 'wifely duties' even though I don't want to? Is there any way to feel less resentful about it? —Am I a Prude? Dear Prude, For some people one of the pleasures of sex is not having to form coherent sentences. Also, since most of us are bombarded all day with electronic communications, getting demands to write sexy texts, or send risqué photos while at work or at the grocery store, is not an erotic enterprise. You two need to talk this out—and not right after having a spat about it. Tell your husband you want to accommodate his sexual desires, but sex is a mutual enterprise and for you, his enjoyment of sexting feels burdensome, not stimulating. There's also the issue of your not wanting to get caught doing things during work that could compromise your employment—which also goes for your husband. You both need to understand and accept each other without pressure or resentment, and I hope your husband can openly and sensitively hear you out. (And he better not threaten to take his sexting needs elsewhere!) In any case, if there isn't an app for this, there should be. Something with canned phrases ('I can't wait to get home and see you standing at attention, you big, big …') you can generate while standing in the check-out line. —Emily Yoffe From: In Sickness and in Health, Send Pics. (March 03, 2015). Dear Prudence, I recently celebrated a milestone birthday for which my wife had commissioned a work of art to commemorate. The artist is a cousin who works in mixed media and has a notable regional reputation. I love and deeply respect him and his work, but I never really 'got' it. He uses found and recycled materials collaged together. I was horrified to discover that I find the portrait extremely unflattering and troubling. I was shocked to think that my cousin saw me this way. Friends who have seen it have also found it ugly and strangely dark—parts of this collage have my age wrong and imply that I have struggled with obesity and depression. I believe I have responded to the gift appropriately with many thanks and appreciation, but I'm not sure how I am to live with this art in my home. My wife has hung it in a prominent place that I must pass scores of time a day. I'm not sure how to even start the conversation. The additional wrinkle is that a gallery has contacted me asking to include the piece in an upcoming exhibition. I'd rather not have this depiction of me in public. How should I handle this horrible mess? —A Troublesome Gift Dear Troublesome, Be glad that your cousin was not Lucien Freud or Francis Bacon. Although I suppose if either was your cousin, while you'd be portrayed as mad and wattled, the portrait would be worth millions. First of all, you say you don't get your cousin's work, which I assume means he does portraits which are not conventional and not flattering. So accept he is not picking you out as an object of derision, he's using you as a canvas on which to express his artistic vision. I think the new wrinkle about the exhibition is a godsend. At least it allows you to temporarily get the wrinkled mess that's supposed to be you out of the house! Do not be concerned that people will think this is an accurate depiction of you. You should be sure to attend the gallery opening and have lot of photos snapped standing next to your 'likeness.' This will only serve to make you look happy, slender, and youthful. If you're lucky, someone will insist they have to buy the painting and you will have to convince your wife that this art lover must be appeased. But if you take the canvas home, tell your wife that as thoughtful and loving as this gift was, every time you walk by the portrait you feel you need to lose 50 pounds and start taking Paxil. Ask if you can at the least move it to the guest room so you don't have to look at it daily. That will have the added benefit that anyone who's considering overstaying their welcome will see you staring down at them looking miserable and want to pack their bags. —E. Y. From: Color Me Bad. (March 18, 2014). Dear Prudence, My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. We decided we wanted to move out of state suddenly, and did. Before we left, I talked to my mom and she heard from my sister (31) that she, my dad, and my other sister (28) thought I was being controlled and forced out of state. (It's actually an idea I've always had.) Now, because I told her what was said, my girlfriend has anxiety about it. I confronted my younger sister about what I heard and she said she was worried at first but OK with it now since she really likes my girlfriend. Well, my girlfriend overheard bits and pieces of the conversation, and feels like an apology is owed to her by my sister, which I don't feel is wrong. Fast forward, my girlfriend's mom ended up in the hospital on the same day I had plans with my mom while visiting and we canceled to go see her mom (which my mom was very OK with and expressed concern over). Then my girlfriend expressed anxiety, commenting that my older sister is going to say we're making an excuse to get out of spending time with my mom. My girlfriend is surprised that I'm upset about that comment and keeps saying she'll just bottle up her anxiety and not say anything about it anymore. Am I in the wrong for reacting like that? I feel helpless and I'm doing what I can to try to resolve the issue between them. I feel like I have to get it done right then and there or else my girlfriend's going to continue to create more scenarios that 'might' happen in her head. I have no one else to talk to. I can't talk to my family and I don't have friends anymore. She's all I have. —My Family Thinks My Girlfriend is Controlling Dear Controlling, At the risk of offering an answer you don't want to hear, I find myself concerned about your girlfriend's controlling behavior, too. The out-of-state move and canceling a visit to see your mother because your girlfriend's mother was in the hospital don't worry me—sometimes people move on relatively short notice, and that's not necessarily a bad thing even if your relatives wish you'd stay nearby. And visiting a parent who's unexpectedly fallen ill or been injured is perfectly understandable, and it seems perfectly reasonable that your own mother supported your decision. But you say you don't have friends 'anymore' and that your girlfriend is all you have, which sets off a number of alarms, and I find myself wanting to know why it is you can't speak to any of your former friends. Did they also fall out with your girlfriend? Does she have anything to do with the fact that you're no longer in contact, and do you fear her reaction if you were to try to get in touch with any of them now? It's also worrying that your girlfriend is using a conversation she eavesdropped into—and only heard part of!—as justification to 'predict' something she fears your sister is going to say someday. Why do you believe your sister owes your girlfriend an apology for saying 'I used to worry that your girlfriend was controlling you, but now that I've gotten to know and like her, I don't worry anymore,' especially when your sister said that only to you, and only when you confronted her? Of course you were put off when your girlfriend said, 'I'll bet your sister uses my mother's hospitalization as an excuse to score points off me in the future,' especially when your sister doesn't seem to have been unduly harsh or unfair in the past. And saying, 'Well, I guess I'll just swallow my anxiety and be privately worried all the time, since you're upset' is also a concerning response on your girlfriend's part. Your reaction was not wrong, nor unreasonable; and you do not 'have to' fix things between your girlfriend and your sister, especially when your sister has behaved perfectly politely toward her, and your girlfriend eavesdropped on a conversation she was never invited into. If your girlfriend continues to manufacture hypothetical scenarios that mean you have to avoid your relatives, ignore your friends, and depend only on her for conversation and support, then I think you should be worried about her controlling behavior, too. I realize you feel defensive of her at present, and I'm not suggesting you break up with her if you don't feel ready. But you should keep in contact, wherever possible, with friends or relatives or anyone who's not your girlfriend. Because if she's all you have, and she mistreats you, you won't feel like leaving is an option. And it needs to be an option, even if you two stay together! —Danny M. Lavery From: Help! My Family Thinks My Girlfriend Is Controlling—but She's All I Have. (Oct. 13, 2021). My father's wife recently started treatment for a form of cancer that is slow-moving but ultimately fatal. I want to be supportive to her, and I am so sorry that she is experiencing this illness. She's always been quite self-absorbed, and I limit my in-person time with her because it's always about her. However, she has recently taken to telling my siblings and myself how much worse she has it than my mother did. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
07-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Help! I Love Everything About My Partner. But I'm Afraid to Tell My Parents What He Does for Work.
Hi Advice readers! Have you ever thought about writing into Prudie? Now's the time—our inbox is in need of more questions! Conundrums big and small are welcome, and of course, it's anonymous. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we're diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Dear Prudence, I'm in my early 20s and dating a sex worker. I love our relationship, and I am happy he is doing something he takes pleasure in and is proud of. I'm personally comfortable with his job. We talk a lot about it and he is extremely transparent about his activities. But some people in my life that I have told have been uncomfortable, and I'm dreading telling my parents. I know they won't react well but I don't want to force him to lie about a part of his life he is proud of. I tend to care too much about what people think, and others' judgment of my partner tends to affect me quite a bit. Is it something I should stop the relationship over? I'm afraid of being unjust to him by 'hiding' this part of him to some of the people around me. —Dating a Sex Worker Dear Dating, I think the first person to discuss this with is your partner! Does he want you to tell your parents about his work, or is it possible you're putting the cart before the horse here? Plenty of people are upfront about their sex work but aren't in any rush to disclose it to a new partner's parents, so I wonder if it's as high up on his list of priorities as it is on yours. This is likely not the first time he's had to consider the possibility of dealing with the reaction of his partner's relatives, so he may have his own set of interests, his own plans for a cover story, etc., and you should seek to learn more about them first. If you're absolutely convinced that you'll fold under the weight of your parents' disapproval, should you ever discuss your partner's work with them, and that you'll be unable to defend and support your partner in such a situation, then that's worth discussing with him now. But that's a discussion to be had, not reason to unilaterally end things because you've already run the various possible scenarios in your mind and determined all outcomes in advance. You may decide to break up over this, or you may find an unexpected resolve somewhere within your spirit and realize you're capable of proudly avowing your own decisions and values even if your parents cast a stern eye over you. Some worthwhile questions for the future: Do you care 'too much' about what all other people think, or are there specific people whose opinions you traditionally give a lot of extra weight to? Do you just defer to whomever you spoke to most recently? Whomever seems the most upset? If they invoke feelings of shame and repression? What's happened in the past when you've pushed back against your parents' disapproval? Have you ever pushed back? Might you ever like to push back against something in the future, and if so, how will you separate your fear of punishment or disapproval from your sense of yourself? Perhaps more immediately pressing—do you consider sex work a question of 'personal comfort,' where it's fine for you to respect your boyfriend as an individual but equally fine for someone else to potentially demean, as long as that's within the limits of their own 'personal comfort'? —Danny M. Lavery From: Help! My Friend Lost Several Pregnancies. How Do I Tell Her I'm Happily Expecting? (March 15, 2021). Dear Prudence, My boyfriend and I have fundamental philosophical differences regarding the treatment of guests. As an example, he thinks it's weird and fake that I go through extra effort to clean the apartment before we have a guest come to stay. I think it's a common courtesy? He also gets offended if I put guests' needs before his—for example, if I'm not free to do something he wants to do because I'm hosting someone from out of town. Some of our biggest fights have been about this! This was one factor in our decision that he should move out of our shared apartment and that we should take it slow as we try to figure out if we're compatible as a couple. But now I'm not so sure, because his move-out date coincided with—you guessed it!—a visit from a friend, which had been planned for months. He knew this upfront, and I tried to help him pack before she arrived. No dice; there was always something better for him to do. So, on the day of his move, I had planned to be showing my friend the sights of the city. All day I got guilt-inducing texts about how sad he is about leaving our apartment and how he has no help moving. In his mind, I should have left my friend to her own devices for a few hours so I could be there to give him emotional support. I get that it's an emotionally fraught situation—I was an emotional wreck at the thought of him leaving, too—but I feel that this would have been super rude of me. He only thinks about his own feelings and not my friend's or about what a ridiculously awkward social situation he's put me in. Part of me wants to drop him like a hot potato, but part of me still really cares about him. Am I stupid to want to try and make this relationship work? —Boyfriend Doesn't 'Get' Guests Dear Guests, Just as an aside, I would love to know what your boyfriend thinks is 'fake' about cleaning an apartment before a guest arrives! 'This dirt is really authentic to our relationship, and I want Moira to really get that during her visit.' But to answer your question: The only thing 'fake' here is the self-created nonemergency your boyfriend is trying to guilt you over. The date of his moving out was not a surprise, you tried to help him for months, he chose to prioritize other things, and now, like the grasshopper and the ants, he's trying to make you feel bad for his failure to plan. When I was a kid, I used to ride horses. Invariably the kind of brisk, super-together women who ran the stables had signs on their offices with whimsical-yet-no-nonsense slogans like 'A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine' and 'I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.' I lived in terror of displeasing them, and I hope they all live to be 100 years old. Channel a bit of these horsewomen's energy as you try to continue your relationship in separate houses. Is he interested in being your partner, in supporting you even when he doesn't feel the same way about a particular situation? Or is he interested in making you feel unreasonable for wanting to have guests and letting him take responsibility for his own choices? If it's the latter, well, you can still care about him while also letting that hot potato serve as your guide. —D. M. L. From: Help! I'm Worried My Engagement Ring Is Cursed. (Dec. 04, 2018). Dear Prudence, I have a sister who is famous and who has not spoken to me since our mother died. We have a bad relationship because my mother and I decided not to pay for her college tuition and room and board, and she was forced to get scholarships and work. My home burned down in a fire last October and I lost all my pictures. My sister has the only originals from my childhood. How can I ask her for copies in a way that does not alienate her further? I want copies for my family, not for any other reason. —Estranged Relative Dear Estranged, If you and your sister haven't spoken in years and you're only getting in touch to ask her a favor—even a relatively small and necessary one—then I think there's a limit to how much framing can help you get what you want. Prepare yourself for the possibility of hearing either nothing, or a 'No' followed by a series of recriminations, even if you ask in the kindest way imaginable. If you're able to accept that, then let her know you're not attempting to relitigate your past relationship and regret bothering her, but that you've lost all of your childhood photos in a fire and would be grateful if she'd be willing to share any copies, digital or otherwise, with you. —D. M. L. From: Help! Are We Too Old to Adopt? (Aug. 27, 2018). My boyfriend is completely emotionally and financially dependent on me. We've been together since we were 13 years old, and in a lot of ways I feel like I basically raised him. He's extremely loving and devoted and was my rock through a long, difficult period of my life, but I've reached a point where I'm tired of mothering him and I need him to act more like a partner than just a source of emotional support.
