Help! My Husband Thinks Sexting Is My 'Wifely Duty'

Yahoo

28-07-2025

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we're diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.
Dear Prudence,
I've been married happily for more than a decade and my husband and I are in our 30s with young children. We have an active bedroom life, and work together to keep our relationship and love life intact. My husband likes sexting (what man doesn't?) and I usually don't. I have to be in the right mood for it, and usually during the day I'm busy with work, errands, etc. I'm uncomfortable sending pictures of myself or saying things I'm not really thinking or feeling. I do indulge when I'm in the right mood, but most of the time when he asks, I just don't want to! Recently, in a text conversation, he hinted toward it, I changed the topic (my gentle letdown tactic), he asked outright, and I told him to stop pressuring me. He said he didn't like being accused of pressuring me, and we argued. Is this something I should do as part of my 'wifely duties' even though I don't want to? Is there any way to feel less resentful about it?
—Am I a Prude?
Dear Prude,
For some people one of the pleasures of sex is not having to form coherent sentences. Also, since most of us are bombarded all day with electronic communications, getting demands to write sexy texts, or send risqué photos while at work or at the grocery store, is not an erotic enterprise. You two need to talk this out—and not right after having a spat about it. Tell your husband you want to accommodate his sexual desires, but sex is a mutual enterprise and for you, his enjoyment of sexting feels burdensome, not stimulating. There's also the issue of your not wanting to get caught doing things during work that could compromise your employment—which also goes for your husband. You both need to understand and accept each other without pressure or resentment, and I hope your husband can openly and sensitively hear you out. (And he better not threaten to take his sexting needs elsewhere!) In any case, if there isn't an app for this, there should be. Something with canned phrases ('I can't wait to get home and see you standing at attention, you big, big …') you can generate while standing in the check-out line.
—Emily Yoffe
From: In Sickness and in Health, Send Pics. (March 03, 2015).
Dear Prudence,
I recently celebrated a milestone birthday for which my wife had commissioned a work of art to commemorate. The artist is a cousin who works in mixed media and has a notable regional reputation. I love and deeply respect him and his work, but I never really 'got' it. He uses found and recycled materials collaged together. I was horrified to discover that I find the portrait extremely unflattering and troubling. I was shocked to think that my cousin saw me this way. Friends who have seen it have also found it ugly and strangely dark—parts of this collage have my age wrong and imply that I have struggled with obesity and depression. I believe I have responded to the gift appropriately with many thanks and appreciation, but I'm not sure how I am to live with this art in my home. My wife has hung it in a prominent place that I must pass scores of time a day. I'm not sure how to even start the conversation. The additional wrinkle is that a gallery has contacted me asking to include the piece in an upcoming exhibition. I'd rather not have this depiction of me in public. How should I handle this horrible mess?
—A Troublesome Gift
Dear Troublesome,
Be glad that your cousin was not Lucien Freud or Francis Bacon. Although I suppose if either was your cousin, while you'd be portrayed as mad and wattled, the portrait would be worth millions. First of all, you say you don't get your cousin's work, which I assume means he does portraits which are not conventional and not flattering. So accept he is not picking you out as an object of derision, he's using you as a canvas on which to express his artistic vision. I think the new wrinkle about the exhibition is a godsend. At least it allows you to temporarily get the wrinkled mess that's supposed to be you out of the house! Do not be concerned that people will think this is an accurate depiction of you. You should be sure to attend the gallery opening and have lot of photos snapped standing next to your 'likeness.' This will only serve to make you look happy, slender, and youthful. If you're lucky, someone will insist they have to buy the painting and you will have to convince your wife that this art lover must be appeased. But if you take the canvas home, tell your wife that as thoughtful and loving as this gift was, every time you walk by the portrait you feel you need to lose 50 pounds and start taking Paxil. Ask if you can at the least move it to the guest room so you don't have to look at it daily. That will have the added benefit that anyone who's considering overstaying their welcome will see you staring down at them looking miserable and want to pack their bags.
—E. Y.
From: Color Me Bad. (March 18, 2014).
Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. We decided we wanted to move out of state suddenly, and did. Before we left, I talked to my mom and she heard from my sister (31) that she, my dad, and my other sister (28) thought I was being controlled and forced out of state. (It's actually an idea I've always had.) Now, because I told her what was said, my girlfriend has anxiety about it.
I confronted my younger sister about what I heard and she said she was worried at first but OK with it now since she really likes my girlfriend. Well, my girlfriend overheard bits and pieces of the conversation, and feels like an apology is owed to her by my sister, which I don't feel is wrong.
Fast forward, my girlfriend's mom ended up in the hospital on the same day I had plans with my mom while visiting and we canceled to go see her mom (which my mom was very OK with and expressed concern over). Then my girlfriend expressed anxiety, commenting that my older sister is going to say we're making an excuse to get out of spending time with my mom. My girlfriend is surprised that I'm upset about that comment and keeps saying she'll just bottle up her anxiety and not say anything about it anymore.
Am I in the wrong for reacting like that? I feel helpless and I'm doing what I can to try to resolve the issue between them. I feel like I have to get it done right then and there or else my girlfriend's going to continue to create more scenarios that 'might' happen in her head. I have no one else to talk to. I can't talk to my family and I don't have friends anymore. She's all I have.
—My Family Thinks My Girlfriend is Controlling
Dear Controlling,
At the risk of offering an answer you don't want to hear, I find myself concerned about your girlfriend's controlling behavior, too. The out-of-state move and canceling a visit to see your mother because your girlfriend's mother was in the hospital don't worry me—sometimes people move on relatively short notice, and that's not necessarily a bad thing even if your relatives wish you'd stay nearby. And visiting a parent who's unexpectedly fallen ill or been injured is perfectly understandable, and it seems perfectly reasonable that your own mother supported your decision.
But you say you don't have friends 'anymore' and that your girlfriend is all you have, which sets off a number of alarms, and I find myself wanting to know why it is you can't speak to any of your former friends. Did they also fall out with your girlfriend? Does she have anything to do with the fact that you're no longer in contact, and do you fear her reaction if you were to try to get in touch with any of them now? It's also worrying that your girlfriend is using a conversation she eavesdropped into—and only heard part of!—as justification to 'predict' something she fears your sister is going to say someday. Why do you believe your sister owes your girlfriend an apology for saying 'I used to worry that your girlfriend was controlling you, but now that I've gotten to know and like her, I don't worry anymore,' especially when your sister said that only to you, and only when you confronted her? Of course you were put off when your girlfriend said, 'I'll bet your sister uses my mother's hospitalization as an excuse to score points off me in the future,' especially when your sister doesn't seem to have been unduly harsh or unfair in the past. And saying, 'Well, I guess I'll just swallow my anxiety and be privately worried all the time, since you're upset' is also a concerning response on your girlfriend's part. Your reaction was not wrong, nor unreasonable; and you do not 'have to' fix things between your girlfriend and your sister, especially when your sister has behaved perfectly politely toward her, and your girlfriend eavesdropped on a conversation she was never invited into.
If your girlfriend continues to manufacture hypothetical scenarios that mean you have to avoid your relatives, ignore your friends, and depend only on her for conversation and support, then I think you should be worried about her controlling behavior, too. I realize you feel defensive of her at present, and I'm not suggesting you break up with her if you don't feel ready. But you should keep in contact, wherever possible, with friends or relatives or anyone who's not your girlfriend. Because if she's all you have, and she mistreats you, you won't feel like leaving is an option. And it needs to be an option, even if you two stay together!
—Danny M. Lavery
From: Help! My Family Thinks My Girlfriend Is Controlling—but She's All I Have. (Oct. 13, 2021).
My father's wife recently started treatment for a form of cancer that is slow-moving but ultimately fatal. I want to be supportive to her, and I am so sorry that she is experiencing this illness. She's always been quite self-absorbed, and I limit my in-person time with her because it's always about her. However, she has recently taken to telling my siblings and myself how much worse she has it than my mother did.
Solve the daily Crossword