4 days ago
This Is How You 'Win' A Breakup, According To Relationship Experts
Breakups hit everyone differently. Some people do best diving into other aspects of their lives (like their career), while others want to do everything in their power to make their ex regret their mistake. While it's so tempting to opt for the latter, consider an alternative approach, one that focuses more on personal growth and less on seeking revenge.
'Breakups are an emotional thing,' dating expert Emma Hathorn of told HuffPost. 'They pick at our insecurities, make us worry that we were the problem, cause us to overthink, to comb through the arguments and the days that led up to that concrete ending.'
We all want to bounce back stronger. But instead of going after a revenge body or finding a rebound to hook up with (no judgment, been there) or any of the other breakup clichés, consider taking this opportunity to reclaim yourself. After all, you are your best company.
Here, relationship experts share a new take on what it means to really 'win a breakup.'
You make your home entirely yours.
Nothing says independence like being able to live on your own. 'It offers an opportunity for a fresh start,' Mindy DeSeta, Ph.D., relationship and sex expert for the Hily dating app, told HuffPost. 'Having your own space provides a sense of freedom, the ability to establish your own routine and the power to make decisions without needing anyone's approval.'
Meaning, you can decorate your space any way you want it without someone ruining your aesthetic with sports memorabilia. Or you can display your memorabilia and treasures without judgment.
Plus, 'there's always opportunities to create new connections,' DeSeta adds. You can make your space a place to host dinner parties, book clubs and other events. This can remind you that you have a solid group of people who have your back or open the opportunity for new friends and more community-building.
You don't feel the urge to check their social media.
It's so tempting to keep online tabs on your ex, but stalking their every move, whether through their social media or friends, is only going to prolong the healing process.
'Letting go of the constant monitoring means you've detached from the need for comparison or validation,' Hathorn said. 'You've stopped measuring your healing against their performance of happiness or whoever they're currently hanging out with.' So hit that mute button (or, better yet, hit unfollow) for the sake of your peace of mind.
You focus on your work and career.
A lot of people dive deep into their career post-breakup, and for good reason.
'Growing a business or earning a job promotion is a major breakup win,' DeSeta said. 'Not only will you be bringing in more income, but focusing on your career success also redirects your attention away from heartbreak while providing a genuine sense of accomplishment and validation.'
The best part is that you can use that extra money to do whatever pleases you, whether it's booking a luxury trip or saving up for a big-ticket item from your wishlist.
You can see your relationship for what it was: the good, bad and in-between.
It's hard to notice any flaws in your relationship when you're in it, making you wonder what actually went wrong that led to a breakup. But with distance comes reflection.
'Maybe you're able to see now that you both had flaws, or that it just wasn't meant to work,' Hathorn suggested. For example, maybe you realize your partner wasn't as supportive with your career as you'd like them to be or you both clashed on certain political beliefs.
'We often ignore what's right in front of us,' Rene Mondy, therapist and post-marriage expert, told HuffPost.'Sit with a journal and ask: What did I overlook, justify or downplay in this connection?'
Fully processing the breakup allows you to figure out what matters most to you in a relationship, so you can seek out someone who is a better match.
You're investing time in things you love.
Raise your hand if you ever stopped doing something you enjoyed because you were too busy in your relationship. (*Raises hand*)
It's happened to the best of us. Relationships, especially bad ones, can turn your focus away from the things that excite and inspire you. 'Sometimes we sideline our own hobbies for a relationship,' Hathorn said.
She and DeSeta suggest redirecting your attention and energy back to yourself by investing in what matters most to you. Maybe it's seeing a therapist weekly to help you process your emotions or devoting more time to the gym. Maybe it's finally booking that solo trip to Portugal you've been wanting to do or just spending more time with friends and family.
Getting back to your favorite hobbies will remind you of what you value most in life — something you can always take with you into your next phase in life, whatever that may be.
You look at the future with a sense of possibility.
After taking time to reconnect with yourself and having distance from your previous relationship, you'll have a better sense of what comes next, Hathorn adds.
Whether you want to stay single for a while or you decide to dive into dating, you'll approach your next chapter with a stronger sense of self, higher standards and a life that's authentically yours.
And, according to Hathorn, 'This is the real victory.'
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