Latest news with #ThePunchiestPunchlines
New York Times
a day ago
- Entertainment
- New York Times
Late Night Doesn't Recommend Trying to Convert Your Co-Workers
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night's highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now. This Sermon Could Have Been an Email On Monday, the Trump administration issued a reminder that federal employees' religious expression in the workplace is protected activity, including attempts to convert co-workers. Stephen Colbert's mention of the memo was met with boos from his 'Late Show' audience. 'Of course, converting people to your religion is always very chill. That's why all those people died in the Spanish Gentle Suggestion.' — STEPHEN COLBERT 'No, no. Absolutely not. If you're going to approach me at work and ask, 'Have you heard the good news?' it better mean there are doughnuts in the break room, otherwise, keep it moving, Zachariah.' — DESI LYDIC 'Can you imagine how humiliating it would be to have your fundamental worldview changed by Susan from accounting?' — DESI LYDIC 'I don't even feel comfortable telling my co-worker she should get bangs.' — DESI LYDIC The Punchiest Punchlines (Golf of America Edition) 'Trump is in Scotland right now, seeing as his favorite island destination has been shut down.' — DESI LYDIC, referring to Jeffrey Epstein's island 'The stated purpose was to negotiate trade golf over his golf tariffs with the European golf, 'cause he went there to play golf.' — STEPHEN COLBERT 'Now, to be clear, Trump was not just wasting time playing golf, he was also wasting time profiting off golf.' — DESI LYDIC 'Just a reminder, this man is still the president of the United States. There's a lot going on in the world, and he's at a ribbon-cutting ceremony to promote his golf course? Is this his side hustle, or is America his side hustle?' — DESI LYDIC The Bits Worth Watching Hannah Berner and Paige DeSorbo, the co-authors of 'How to Giggle,' were special guest announcers on 'The Tonight Show.' What We're Excited About on Wednesday Night Pamela Anderson will discuss her new role in 'The Naked Gun' on 'Late Night.' Also, Check This Out The new British hospital documentary series 'Critical: Between Life and Death' is an unsparing look at the fragility and vulnerability of life.
New York Times
03-06-2025
- Entertainment
- New York Times
Late Night Mines Laughs From Trump's Outlandish Biden Replacement Theory
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night's highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now. Joe-boCop? On Saturday night, President Trump amplified a conspiracy theory on social media about former President Joe Biden that posited falsely that the former president had been replaced by a robot clone. While mindful to note that this was likely meant 'to distract us,' as Jon Stewart said on 'The Daily Show,' late night hosts couldn't help but tackle the topic like the sci-fi movie it needs to be — with incredulity. 'You're saying that the Joe Biden who doesn't even know where he is, is actually an incredibly advanced cloned robot? How much ketamine are you on?' — JON STEWART 'You can't be a robot and a clone, OK?' — STEPHEN COLBERT 'How is this not on the front page of everything? The president of the United States is spreading deranged stories about his predecessor being a robot.' — JIMMY KIMMEL 'It was a perfect plan with only one flaw: The Joe Bot couldn't recognize George Clooney.' — STEPHEN COLBERT 'Hey, Republicans. Remember when you were very concerned Joe might not have the mental acuity to be president? Come get your guy, because he thinks Biden was executed and replaced by a clone, a 'robotic clone.' I mean, if your dad was saying stuff like this, you'd start looking for an assisted-living facility.' — JIMMY KIMMEL 'The media needs to stop being polite when they report this stuff. This is the headline from NBC: 'Trump Shares Unfounded Conspiracy Theory Claiming Biden Was 'Executed' in 2020.' Never mind 'unfounded,' this is not even a theory. That headline should be 'Convicted Felon Posts Insane Fairy Tale About Cancer Patient While Constipated on Toilet.'' — JIMMY KIMMEL 'And, by the way, whoever built that Joe Biden robot is very bad at building robots. I mean, if anyone was replaced by a robotic clone, it's Melania, right?' — JIMMY KIMMEL The Punchiest Punchlines (Side Effects Edition) 'Trump was effusive in his praise for Musk. He thanked him for working 'tirelessly.' Well, yeah, of course he was working tirelessly. They say he was gobbling down 20 different kinds of uppers every day when he was there.' — JIMMY KIMMEL 'Over the weekend, The New York Times published a crazy story about Elon Musk, claiming, among other things, that he was taking ecstasy, psychedelic mushrooms, pills believed to be Adderall, and so much ketamine it was affecting his bladder control, which is a delightful detail. Between him and Trump, that Oval Office has got to smell like an abandoned nursing home.' — JIMMY KIMMEL Want all of The Times? Subscribe.
New York Times
20-05-2025
- Entertainment
- New York Times
Late Night Is Concerned About (the Truth Behind) Biden's Health
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night's highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now. Our Sympathies, but … The news that former President Joseph R. Biden Jr. had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer naturally spurred late-night discussion on Monday. On 'The Daily Show,' Jon Stewart mocked those professing sympathy for Biden while at the same time using his condition to score political points. 'They used to say it's not the crime, it's the cover-up, but it's starting to feel like politics is all cover-up,' Stewart said. The Punchiest Punchlines (Games We Play Edition) The Bits Worth Watching John Oliver dissected the ways in which President Trump shapes coverage of his presidency, including using lawsuits and the F.C.C. as leverage, on Sunday's 'Last Week Tonight.' What We're Excited About on Tuesday Night Amid conspiracy theories circling about his photo of seashells appearing to be a threat against the president, the former F.B.I director James Comey will surely set the record straight on 'The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.' Also, Check This Out Now that the 50th season of 'Saturday Night Live' is at an end, here are its most memorable moments, from political satire to straight-up silliness. Domingo!
New York Times
15-05-2025
- Entertainment
- New York Times
Seth Meyers Thinks Trump Shouldn't Be So Set on That Jet
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night's highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now. Size Queen President Donald Trump defended his choice to accept a jet from Qatar, saying that America should have the biggest, most impressive plane out of all the countries. 'No, we shouldn't,' Seth Meyers argued on Wednesday. 'We are, as of this taping, still a democracy with a rule of law. The president shouldn't have a flying gold-plated party palace.' The Punchiest Punchlines (Humps for Trump Edition) The Bits Worth Watching In Wednesday's 'Everybody's Live with John Mulaney' monologue, the host shared his plan to wear a blindfold throughout the episode. What We're Excited About on Thursday Night The Tony-nominated actress Sarah Snook will appear on Thursday's 'Late Night with Seth Meyers.' Also, Check This Out Broadway is reaping benefits from bringing in the star power of Hollywood actors like George Clooney, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Denzel Washington.
New York Times
06-05-2025
- Entertainment
- New York Times
Late Night on Trump, the Constitution and Playing With Dolls
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night's highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now. Presidents Say the Darndest Things During a 'Meet the Press' interview that aired on Sunday, President Trump was asked whether he had to uphold the Constitution. He replied, 'I don't know.' 'Wow, they talked a lot about Biden's mental decline, but this guy can't even remember stuff from, like, four months ago,' Seth Meyers said on Monday. Trump, asked about the economy, also doubled down on his suggestion that children could get by with fewer toys. 'I don't think a beautiful baby girl needs — that's 11 years old needs to have 30 dolls,' he said. 'I think they can have three dolls, or four dolls.' The Punchiest Punchlines (May the Fourth Edition) The Bits Worth Watching Noah Wyle, star of 'The Pitt,' was quizzed about his knowledge of 'commonly used medical tools' on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live.' What We're Excited About on Tuesday Night Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach and Amanda Doyle will discuss their popular podcast-turned-book, 'We Can Do Hard Things,' on 'The Daily Show.' Also, Check This Out Fans who saw 'Thunderbolts*' on opening weekend were surprised by the new title revealed in the film's closing credits.
