Latest news with #attachmentstyle
Yahoo
04-08-2025
- General
- Yahoo
He Asked For Nudes Before We Even Kissed And 5 Other Red Flags I Missed As A Dating Writer
We met on Bumble. He was a tall, handsome military doctor who used full sentences, proper punctuation and asked thoughtful questions about my writing and my life. It felt like grown-up dating was finally delivering on its promise: warm, curious and full of Oxford commas. I thought I'd found a good one. I was wrong. Here's the thing about dating in your 40s and being a dating and relationships writer: you think you've learned something. You've read the books and been to therapy. You think you know what to look for. You know what an avoidant attachment style looks and sounds like. You know what 'I'm too busy' really means. You know if 'he wanted to, he would' is usually a legit litmus test for a man's investment in you. But then a hot Navy doctor slides into your life with good spelling and a defined jawline, and you forget everything. Not because I'm an idiot who hasn't learned anything, but because I'm human. I'm a single woman with a big heart and an unruly black cat, swiping on guys, asking one of them to love me (when warranted and vetted, of course). When Hot Navy Doctor bounced (although I think 'hot' is pushing it a little, but it has a better ring to it than 'Above Average Attractive' Navy Doctor), I was disappointed, but I wasn't surprised. In retrospect, there had been a ton of red flags waving in my face like I was at a NASCAR race. As someone who's been writing about dating and relationships for over 10 years, I couldn't believe that I missed some of the most obvious ones. Maybe 'missed' is the wrong word ― it was more like I 'ignored' them or made excuses for them ― the very same excuses that I've written about not making in my professional life. Here are the red flags I missed ― and ones that I would advise not ignoring or making excuses for, and, instead, letting their blatant disrespect or disinterest be enough for you to cut your losses and move on a heck of a lot quicker than I did. He was busy — a lot. He was a doctor and in the military. There were deployments, late nights and long shifts. This meant he was texting less and planning fewer dates, and sometimes going long stretches without contacting me. Near the end of our 'situationship,' he didn't contact me for a month. I chalked it up to him being on a Navy ship in the middle of the ocean. But here's the thing: If our connection had mattered to him, he would've shown up. He would've responded to a simple text, 'Let me know how you're doing when you can!' But he didn't. We didn't talk about what we were looking for in terms of dating. Which brings me to my next point. I think if our connection were something he was serious about (or at least, half-way interested in), he would've made more attempts at communicating and being clear about, well, everything. But we never discussed what we wanted in terms of dating. We didn't ask each other, 'Why are you on this app? What are you looking for?' Instead, we both kept it vague. I said I was looking to explore things and see where things were going. I thought I was being open-minded and not applying pressure too soon. He probably heard that as giving him carte blanche to continue being just as noncommittal. Near the end, when I finally asked what he was looking for, he still couldn't answer me. Red. Freaking. Flag. We stayed in the gray zone for way too long. Not talking about our relationship or what we wanted only prolonged the murky, gray zone that we were stuck in. We weren't really seeing each other regularly — because, as I mentioned, he was 'too busy' — and we weren't exactly clear with what we both wanted. So the whole thing just kind of stalled. It stayed hazy and confusing, especially as it started to fizzle out. No real clarity meant that I got exactly what I didn't want: a situationship. And worse, a situationship that wasn't defined. This left me dealing with more questions than answers, and more confusion than necessary. He never picked up my phone calls. This one was sneaky. He could easily blame it on his demanding schedule as a doctor. And sure, he was often busy — at a funeral, asleep after a long shift, or getting up early to go on a ship. Reasonable excuses… but they were still excuses. Whenever I wanted to talk on the phone, which wasn't often, but felt necessary for things like clarifying our intimacy dynamic (more on that later) or understanding what his deployment meant for us, he was always unavailable. In hindsight, it wasn't just about being busy. It was about avoiding direct communication and, more importantly, avoiding vulnerability and potential confrontation — red flag. He was hyperfixated on sex. At first, he wasn't. And I appreciated that. We didn't immediately jump into conversations about intimacy. On our second date, we watched a movie at my place without any kissing or touching. I was nervous, but also relieved. It felt respectful. But later that week, he brought up the fact that we hadn't been intimate and asked what I thought about our connection. At the time, I thought he just wanted reassurance. Then, as we got closer, he said he wanted to 'deepen' our conversations, which turned out to mean: talk about what we liked in bed. Again, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I figured we were building emotional and physical intimacy. But it quickly escalated: He asked for nudes before we'd even kissed. After he left for deployment, most of his messages were sexual. When he got back, he didn't ask to see me, but he did ask if I wanted to play 'strip poker.' When we finally did sleep together, he ghosted me shortly afterward. He said our chemistry wasn't a fit. In reality, I think sex had always been the end goal. And while there's nothing wrong with wanting sex, I wish, as I told him, he had just been honest about it from the beginning. He lived in a different city. This one doesn't have to be a red flag, per se — some long-distance relationships do work out — but for me, it was another sign that I was putting someone else's needs above my own. I would've preferred to date someone in my own city, but he was only about three hours away, and I told myself it wouldn't matter. I thought if the connection were worth it, the distance wouldn't matter. And maybe, if he didn't have the previous five flags, it wouldn't have. But sometimes we ignore our dealbreakers because we're not ready to step into a different paradigm of a relationship. In hindsight, I can see that the distance allowed me to avoid the intimacy and vulnerability I said I wanted, but was also scared to have. Why we ignore red flags — even when we know better. Looking back on these signs, it's like, Brianne, what were you thinking?Of course, he was a walking red flag. However, in my defense, these signs showed up almost insidiously, slowly, and over time. Admittedly, too much time. But as eharmony dating and relationships expert Minaa B. pointed out to me, it's often easier to spot red flags in other people's relationships than in our own — especially when the behavior feels familiar or when we're holding onto hope that things will change. Something that I definitely relate to. 'People often minimize how frequently we engage in denial as a protective factor against the harshness of reality,' she said. 'Even when we know better, we may choose to remain optimistic, which leads us to the concept of delusional optimism. This occurs when we overestimate the likelihood of a positive event happening while underestimating the likelihood of negative outcomes, despite the facts being presented.' According to Minaa, this cognitive bias makes people think, 'It might happen to others, but it won't happen to me.' As a result, individuals may make choices rooted in their desires while ignoring reality. 'If red flags are present, they are real, not imagined,' she said. 'Once a person acknowledges this truth, they can learn to make better decisions regarding the people they date.' How to learn the lesson (for real). As for how we can get better at seeing the red flags in our own dating lives, Minaa says it comes down to teaching ourselves how to maintain a regulated nervous system. 'When we are constantly in a state of fight, flight, or freeze, it may become normal to choose someone who also keeps us stuck in this state, as survival mechanisms are all we know, along with dysregulation,' she said. 'A regulated nervous system can differentiate between safety and threat. By learning to sustain a regulated nervous system, we become more self-attuned. This self-awareness allows us to identify what is important to us, such as our values and beliefs, as well as the things that don't make us feel safe.' I know there were definite moments that I felt weren't sitting exactly right with the Above-Average Attractive Navy Doctor that left me in a fight or freeze mode (my go-tos), like not picking up my phone calls or not regularly planning dates. I made up excuses for him, and while they might have been true — maybe he was truly busy — his behavior still didn't align with the values I seek in a partner, and that was the only red flag I needed to walk away. But walking away isn't something my nervous system is attuned to... yet. I've previously 'hung in there' with previous partners who weren't right for me because it's something that I've adapted from childhood — something that Minaa says is common when dealing with red flags. 'Familiar behavior can feel normal,' she said. 'When individuals grow up in homes where dysfunction is common, they may perceive these red flags as typical behavior that they should tolerate and accept.' In the meantime, all I can hope for is that I am learning my lessons while dating, including not overlooking discrepancies between what people say and what they actually do, or find myself rationalizing or making excuses to make someone fit into our lives — signs that Minaa said are typical when we are excusing or ignoring the reddest of red flags. If you are also guilty of ignoring red flags and feeling bad about it, Minaa said it's important to show self-compassion when we make choices that do not align with our current values or belief systems. 'Self-compassion simply means showing yourself kindness,' she shares. 'If a close friend of yours overlooked red flags and was beating themselves up over it, how would you respond to them? What grace would you show them for their mistakes? How would you comfort them? Think about this and apply it to yourself. View it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, to understand why you made those decisions, and remember that you have the power to change. Your past doesn't have to hold you captive.' As I move forward in my dating life, I am committed to acting sooner on the things that don't work for me — and forgiving myself for ignoring the red flags that happen to the best of us. Related... 'Slow Burn' Is Trending On Dating Apps Right Now — But It Might Not Mean What You Think 10 'Pink Flags' To Pay Attention To In Relationships I Help People Get Divorced. These Are The Biggest Relationship Red Flags I Constantly See. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
01-08-2025
- General
- Yahoo
14 Warning Signs Your Partner Is Dependent On You For Their Happiness
When you're in a relationship, it's natural to want the best for your partner and to support them through life's ups and downs. However, it's crucial to be aware of when your partner might be leaning too heavily on you for their happiness. It's not healthy for either person to carry the full weight of someone else's emotional well-being. Here's a list of signs that might indicate your partner is overly dependent on you for their joy and contentment. 1. They Rely Heavily On Your Approval If your partner can't make a decision without checking in with you first, it might be a sign they're relying too much on your approval. This isn't just about big decisions like moving cities or changing jobs; it extends to everyday choices like what to eat or wear. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist, excessive validation seeking can damage self-esteem and lead to an unhealthy attachment style. While it's nice to feel involved in each other's lives, too much dependency on your opinion can stunt their ability to grow independently. It's important to encourage them to trust their own judgment and remind them that it's okay to make mistakes. Over time, this constant need for validation can become exhausting for both of you. It's crucial to strike a balance where your partner feels secure in their choices without needing a constant nod from you. While discussing decisions can be a valuable part of healthy communication, your partner's need for constant reassurance might indicate an underlying issue of self-esteem. You might notice they second-guess themselves frequently, leading to a cycle of indecision. Encouraging them to practice self-compassion can be a step toward breaking this cycle. 2. They Need You To Plan All Social Activities When your partner always expects you to plan and initiate all social gatherings or activities, it might be a sign they're too dependent. While enjoying each other's company is wonderful, it's important for both people to have their own social circles and interests. If your partner doesn't have plans unless you're involved, it can put a lot of pressure on you to be their entire social world. This can lead to resentment and burnout, as you're forced to juggle both your social needs and theirs. Encourage them to cultivate friendships and interests outside the relationship for a healthier balance. Having separate social lives doesn't mean you're drifting apart; it strengthens your connection by allowing you both to grow. When you're both bringing new experiences and perspectives back into the relationship, it keeps things fresh and engaging. Encourage your partner to reach out to friends or try new activities on their own. You might even notice a positive shift in their mood and confidence when they start to enjoy their own social life. It's a win-win for both of you, fostering independence while strengthening your bond. 3. They Get Upset When You Spend Time Apart If your partner becomes overly emotional or upset whenever you spend time away from them, it's a sign they might be too reliant on your presence for their happiness. Everyone needs time to themselves or with other loved ones to maintain a healthy balance. When your partner reacts negatively to your absence, it could indicate a lack of confidence in the relationship or an insecurity within themselves. Dr. Terri Orbuch, a relationship expert, suggests that time apart allows people to maintain a sense of individuality, which is crucial for a strong partnership. Reassure your partner of your commitment while encouraging them to pursue their own interests during your time apart. It's normal to miss each other, but it's also healthy to enjoy time independently. Over-dependence can lead to feelings of suffocation and resentment, which can damage the relationship over time. You both need space to grow as people, which ultimately enriches your partnership. Talk about why time apart is beneficial and how it can actually strengthen your relationship. Supporting each other's independence will lead to a more balanced, fulfilling connection. 4. They Have Few Interests Outside The Relationship When your partner has few hobbies or interests aside from the relationship, it might be an indication they're overly dependent on you. While it's natural to share interests and activities, it's also healthy to pursue passions independently. Being each other's everything can lead to pressure and an unsustainable dynamic. Encourage your partner to explore interests that have nothing to do with you or the relationship. This independence can lead to personal growth, which benefits both of you in the long run. Having individual hobbies is not just about keeping busy; it's about nurturing a sense of self. Discovering and pursuing interests outside the relationship helps maintain a balanced life. It also provides opportunities to bring new excitement and perspectives into the partnership. Encourage your partner to try something new, whether it's a class, sport, or creative project. Supporting each other's personal growth is a cornerstone of a healthy, thriving relationship. 5. They Frequently Seek Reassurance About Your Feelings If your partner often asks if you still love them or if they're still important to you, it might be a sign of dependency. While occasional reassurance is normal and healthy, excessive need for it might point to insecurity. Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, a psychologist and professor, notes that a solid foundation of trust and self-assurance is crucial for healthy relationships. Constantly having to reassure your partner can be tiring and may hinder their ability to develop self-confidence. Encourage open conversation about these insecurities and work on building a stronger foundation of trust. Repetitive reassurance can become a crutch rather than a solution. While it's important to express love and appreciation, it's equally important to cultivate self-assurance. Encourage your partner to reflect on why they feel insecure and how they can work on self-validation. Building confidence takes time, but it's essential for a balanced relationship. Acknowledging and addressing these feelings is a step towards a more independent and healthier bond. 6. They Always Put Your Needs Before Their Own When your partner consistently prioritizes your needs over theirs, it might be a sign of dependency. While it's good to care for each other's well-being, constantly sidelining their own needs isn't healthy. This pattern can lead to neglect of their own happiness and personal growth. Encourage your partner to recognize and voice their own needs and desires. A balanced relationship allows both people to flourish and support each other equally. Self-sacrifice might seem noble, but it can actually lead to burnout and resentment. Your partner needs to understand that their happiness is just as important as yours. Encourage them to pursue their own goals and take time for self-care. Supporting each other means advocating for your partner's well-being as well as your own. A healthy partnership thrives on mutual support and respect. 7. They Struggle With Self-Identity If your partner seems unsure of who they are outside of the relationship, it might be a sign of dependency. A strong relationship is built on two people who know and value themselves. Dr. Lisa Firestone, a clinical psychologist, explains that self-identity is crucial for personal development and healthy relationships. Encourage your partner to explore their interests and values independently. This journey of self-discovery will ultimately enhance your relationship by bringing more depth and understanding. Lacking a strong sense of self can lead to an imbalance in the relationship. Your partner might feel lost or unfulfilled, which can impact their happiness and your connection. Encourage them to take time to reflect on their passions, goals, and values. This exploration can lead to a more confident and self-aware partner, which strengthens your bond. Remember, supporting each other's individuality is key to a thriving relationship. 8. They Avoid Conflict At All Costs If your partner constantly tries to avoid conflict, it might indicate they're dependent on maintaining your approval. While no one enjoys arguing, avoiding conflict entirely can be unhealthy. It's important for both people to feel comfortable expressing their opinions and grievances. Avoiding conflict can lead to unresolved issues and simmering resentment, which ultimately weakens the relationship. Encourage open and honest communication, even when it's uncomfortable, as it helps build a stronger connection. Conflict avoidance can stem from a fear of losing the relationship or disappointing you. However, disagreements are a natural part of any partnership, and handling them constructively can bring you closer. Encourage your partner to voice their concerns and participate in resolving conflicts. This practice fosters mutual understanding and respect, reinforcing the health of the relationship. Learning to navigate conflict together is essential for a resilient and enduring bond. 9. They Depend On You For Emotional Support Too Often If your partner regularly turns to you for emotional support without seeking other outlets, it might be a sign of dependency. While it's essential to support one another, relying solely on one person for emotional needs can be overwhelming. Encourage your partner to cultivate other sources of support, such as friends, family, or a therapist. This diversification can lead to a more balanced relationship and reduce pressure on both of you. Sharing emotional burdens with a broader network can actually strengthen your connection. Being each other's primary support system is important, but it shouldn't be exclusive. Encourage your partner to engage with others who can offer different perspectives and advice. This support network can alleviate the emotional load and provide your partner with valuable insights. It's healthy to share emotional experiences with others outside the relationship, creating a well-rounded support system. A balanced approach to emotional support benefits both of you and the relationship as a whole. 10. They Have Trouble Making Decisions On Their Own If your partner frequently struggles to make decisions without your input, it might be a sign of dependency. While seeking advice is normal, an inability to decide independently can be limiting. Encourage your partner to practice decision-making skills by starting with small, everyday choices. Building this confidence can lead to greater independence and self-assurance. Support them by discussing options, but remind them that it's okay to trust their judgment. Decision-making is a crucial life skill that everyone needs to develop. Without it, your partner may feel paralyzed and reliant on you to guide their choices. Encourage them to weigh pros and cons and consider their preferences. As they grow more comfortable making decisions, their independence will strengthen, benefitting both of you. A confident partner contributes to a healthy relationship dynamic, where both have equal footing. 11. They Rarely Initiate Plans Or Ideas If your partner seldom suggests plans or ideas, it might indicate they rely heavily on you to steer the relationship. While it's comfortable to let one person take the lead, a healthy relationship thrives on shared initiative. Encourage your partner to contribute more actively to planning and decision-making. This involvement can boost their confidence and make them feel more invested in the relationship. A balanced partnership is more fulfilling for both people. Sharing the responsibility of planning and idea generation enriches the relationship. When both partners take initiative, it provides a sense of ownership and engagement. Encourage your partner to express their preferences and be proactive about activities you both enjoy. This collaboration leads to a more dynamic and satisfying partnership. Supporting each other's ideas fosters a sense of equality and shared purpose. 12. They Experience Mood Swings Based On Your Behavior If your partner's mood significantly shifts based on your actions or emotions, it might be a sign of over-dependency. While empathy is important, an excessive emotional reaction can indicate a lack of emotional self-regulation. Encourage your partner to develop coping strategies and emotional resilience. This emotional independence can lead to a more stable and harmonious relationship. Supporting each other emotionally is crucial, but not at the expense of personal emotional health. Your partner's happiness shouldn't solely hinge on your mood or behavior. Encourage them to find ways to manage their emotions independently. This autonomy will contribute to a healthier emotional climate for both of you. Discussing emotions openly and finding personal coping mechanisms can lead to a more balanced partnership. Emotional stability on both sides strengthens the relationship's foundation. 13. They Have Trouble Being Alone If your partner struggles with being alone, it might indicate they're overly reliant on your company for happiness. While spending time together is essential, being comfortable alone is equally important. Encourage your partner to engage in activities they enjoy independently. This time alone can lead to personal growth and self-discovery. A partner who enjoys their own company is more likely to bring positivity and confidence into the relationship. Being comfortable alone doesn't mean you love each other any less. It signifies a healthy balance between personal space and togetherness. Encourage your partner to explore their interests and hobbies solo. This alone time can lead to a more self-assured and fulfilled partner. A balanced relationship values both togetherness and individual space. 14. They Struggle With Self-Esteem Issues If your partner regularly exhibits low self-esteem, this might indicate they're dependent on you for validation. While everyone experiences self-doubt occasionally, ongoing low self-esteem can affect the relationship's balance. Encourage your partner to engage in activities that build confidence and self-worth. Support them by recognizing and celebrating their strengths and accomplishments. A partner who values themselves is more likely to contribute positively to the relationship. Building self-esteem is a journey, but it's crucial for a healthy partnership. Encourage your partner to challenge negative self-talk and focus on their strengths. Remind them that their worth isn't defined by external validation. As their self-esteem grows, so will their ability to engage more fully and independently in the relationship. A self-assured partner enhances the bond you share. Solve the daily Crossword
Forbes
22-07-2025
- Health
- Forbes
2 Surprising Ways ‘Attachment Styles' Impact Sleep, By A Psychologist
Your attachment style impacts more than just how you relate to others — it can even affect how you ... More sleep. Here are two attachment styles that can keep you up at night. Do you ever lie awake at night, wondering if your partner still loves you? Perhaps you had a disagreement earlier that day, or didn't get to spend enough time with them. So now, you think there's an issue. You ask yourself, 'Do they even care about me?' or 'Why do we argue so much?' Anxiety plagues you and you keep tossing and turning, unable to sleep. If such thoughts constantly keep you up at night, your attachment style may be to blame. A 2022 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin attests to this. Researchers assessed the connection between attachment orientation and sleep quality in married younger and middle-aged adult couples. Over 100 heterosexual couples were recruited as newlyweds a decade prior, who then participated in a large follow-up investigation to examine relationship impacts on health and thriving over the course of marriage. Sleep for couples is a shared experience, meaning one person's poor-quality or complete lack of sleep can impact the other's. Our bodies are hard at work when we sleep. The brain has to merge useful data, regulate emotions, repair our immune system and balance our hormones. This means being deprived of quality sleep can increase risks of cardiovascular and metabolic diseases, which in turn, impact our life span. Here are two key results from the 2022 study that highlight how intricately linked attachment styles are to the quality of your sleep. 1. Anxious Attachment Can Make You Hypervigilant At Night Imagine that your workmates had lunch together without inviting you. You feel left out, angry, lonely and sad. You start to feel anxious, and your stream of thoughts — which started with, 'Why didn't they invite me?' — ends up being, 'Something must be wrong with me.' For someone with an anxious attachment style, experiencing social rejection can feel especially intense and destabilizing. They may even internalize such rejections to mean they are 'not good enough' or 'unlovable.' The same pattern shows up in romantic relationships. People with anxious attachment often struggle with a deep fear that they might get abandoned. They also experience difficulty regulating their emotions and are hyperaware of potential threats and stressors. For instance, if you're prone to checking your phone often, your partner's late response, no matter how unintentional, might leave you spiraling. You might start to read into minor rejections and analyze every detail in your partner's actions and texts, only to end up blaming yourself or even villainizing them. This 'hypervigilance' seeps into your bedtime, leaving you awake as you overthink and scan for emotional cues. You might be trying your best to sleep, but struggle to get past those 'what-if's' such as, 'What if I've done something wrong?' or, 'What if they're interested in other people?' or, 'What if they find someone better?' Researchers suggest that these negative emotional experiences and the lack of security in a relationship can negatively impact the quality of your sleep, and may even lead to sleep issues like insomnia and restless sleep. 2. Fearful Avoidant Attachment May Be Even Worse For Sleep If you thought people with anxious attachment sleep poorly, those with a fearful avoidant attachment tend to sleep even worse. People with this attachment style may crave closeness, but are also scared of getting hurt. They want connection, but are equally scared to open up and trust someone. In relationships, this often shows up when someone says they want commitment but panic when the relationship gets serious. They intentionally suppress emotions and thoughts they don't want to deal with, instead of facing them head on. However, bottling up emotions doesn't stop them from surfacing. In fact, it only exacerbates anxiety and, in certain cases, may even lead to depression. Individuals with fearful avoidant attachment face a dual struggle when it comes to sleep. On one hand, their anxiety keeps them alert and emotionally wound up. But their avoidant side leads them to keep things to themselves, even when they struggle with their thoughts. At night, this emotional suppression weakens and their anxious thoughts creep in, making it tough for them to relax. They do not feel secure or calm enough to experience good sleep. Having relational stress is common, but it's important to put safeguards in place to protect your sleep and overall well-being. Here are a few ways to improve your sleep cycle: Attachment patterns can affect you as much as they affect your relationships. Gaining insight into these patterns and working toward emotional security might just be the key to great sleep. So, nurture your emotions, and the health benefits will follow. Is your attachment style affecting your sleep? Take this science-backed test to find out: Insomnia Severity Index
Forbes
08-07-2025
- General
- Forbes
3 Signs You're Finally Ready To Move On From An Ex, By A Psychologist
It's not always obvious when you've let go of an old relationship. Processing heartbreak takes time, ... More but these three signs show that you're truly moving forward. 'I can't live without them' is a common sentiment many individuals share right after a breakup. For many, moving on from an ex follows a tumultuous personal trajectory. It's easier to let go of your partner if you emotionally checked out during the relationship, but it's more challenging when you're the one trying to save it. A 2025 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science investigated whether emotional attachment disappears after romantic breakups. In the study of 320 participants, researchers discovered that such bonds dissolved over time for the majority, with roughly 4 years being cited as the mid point. This means that for the average person, it can take as long as 8 years to truly move on from an ex. These results were heavily influenced by a participant's attachment style and how frequently they stayed in touch with their ex. 'Even if the typical person does eventually 'get over' their former partner, for some people, remnants of those bonds continue and never fully fade away,' the researchers explain. If you're wondering where you might be in this journey, here are three signs that can confirm you are finally ready to move on. 1. You've Stopped Fantasizing About 'What Could Have Been' One of the first signs of recovery from a breakup is when you stop asking yourself, 'If we were still together, what could our future have looked like?' That means no more daydreaming about someone who is no longer in your life or staying up late, scrolling through old photographs and messages, imagining scenarios that will never come true. This means you've stopped holding on to the hope that they might come back. It's a sign that you're accepting reality — something that may feel painful at first but eventually brings clarity. You no longer view your relationship or your ex through rose-tinted glasses. Instead, you see things as they really were; not as perfect, but as a mix of bittersweet experiences. A 2021 exploratory phenomenological study published in the Journal of Psychology and Theology aimed to understand how people psychologically and spiritually process romantic heartbreak. The researchers interviewed eight Caucasian adult women and found that participants followed a rough trajectory across five themes: relational evolution, decline, end, rumination and recovery. The type of rumination they engaged in made the biggest difference in their ability to move on. These included: When you look back at your relationships and see them with clarity, without the haze of hurt and pain, you know you're starting to move on to the next chapter of your life. 2. Your 'First Thoughts' Shift From Your Ex To Yourself When you no longer wonder, 'Would they like this movie?' or 'Should I tell them about this?' Instead, you think: 'What do I want to watch? What's good for me?' Your mental energy returns to self-focus, rather than them being your first thought in any situation. In a relationship, two individuals often function as a unit. After a breakup, it can be hard to find your footing because you're still wired to think of yourself with them, instinctively reaching out for that sense of togetherness. And when you find none, it stings. But in time, you learn to find yourself again without thinking of them first. A 2015 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science sheds light on why this shift is more important than we might realize. Researchers found that emotional recovery after a breakup is closely linked to self-concept clarity, which is your ability to clearly define who you are outside of the relationship. Participants were randomly assigned to either a group that completed four in-depth self-assessment sessions over nine weeks or a group that only completed assessments at the beginning and end of that period. The group that participated more intensively in the research (i.e., talked, reflected and assessed themselves more often) showed greater emotional recovery. Specifically, they experienced: 'I would encourage a person who recently experienced a breakup to consider who he or she is, apart from the relationship. If that person can reflect on the aspects of him- or herself that he or she may have neglected during the relationship but can now nurture once again, this might be particularly helpful,' says Grace Larson, the lead researcher of the study, from Northwestern University. This shows that healing isn't just about time — it's about rediscovering who you are without your ex. When your first thoughts are about you and not them, that's when you know you've truly moved on. 3. You're Able To Feel Excitement For The Future A sure sign of getting over your ex is faith in your future. Even if you're not dating yet, you can imagine being happy with someone else someday. You're open to new connections and growth. You find your way back to your old routines, spend more time with friends who had slowly drifted away and find yourself engaging in old hobbies or picking up new ones. Your sense of progress and renewed friendships give you your sense of purpose back. A 2024 study tracked participants over 8 years to examine both the long-term emotional costs and potential developmental benefits of early breakup experiences. They found that while unresolved or ongoing distress, especially across multiple breakups, can take a toll on mental health, early heartbreaks can also cultivate emotional growth and romantic maturity when processed reflectively. This means moving on isn't about forgetting your past or what you've been through, but reflecting and creating meaning out of it, which creates space for better things to come. In such a headspace, you fully process that there is a long life ahead of you, one that's filled with endless possibilities. When you realize, 'I can, in fact, live without them,' and the thought no longer brings pain but peace — that's when you know you've truly moved on. Take this science-backed test to see how deeply your last breakup is still affecting you — and where your healing really stands: Breakup Distress Scale
Forbes
25-06-2025
- General
- Forbes
3 Signs You Are With The Right Person, By A Psychologist
Are you in a truly fulfilling relationship? Here are three science-backed ways to answer this ... More question. If you've had challenging relationships before, past fears may come back to haunt you, even when the right person comes along. Experiencing a lack of emotional safety can rewire your brain to stay alert to threats, even in healthy dynamics. Factors such as your attachment style, shaped by early relationships and past experiences, can also explain why you may respond with fear to a new relationship. It can be difficult to discern if you're with the right person, but you'll likely feel the difference compared to prior relationships. For instance, if you're anxiously attached, you may find your worries finally quiet down in a secure relationship. If you're more avoidantly attached, intimacy may feel less threatening and more manageable. Here are three signs to know for sure that you're in a healthy, loving relationship. 1. You Don't Second-Guess Their Love When you're with the right person, the question, 'Does this person really love me?' rarely pops into your mind. You're not left overthinking texts or analyzing every interaction. You don't feel constantly judged, criticized or uneasy. There are no games where your loyalties are tested, no pressure to prove your worth, no chasing after affection just to feel seen. With the right person, you feel certain and secure. There's no 'fixing' each other, just a grounded presence as you both figure things out and evolve as a unit. Additionally, you'll find that you can be yourself; the way you are around your closest friends and family, and feel appreciated for it. In fact, a 2023 study published in the European Journal of Investigation in Health, Psychology and Education found that those in stable, intimate relationships tend to experience higher psychological well-being and have a better response to stress. Researchers suggest that in secure relationships, individuals experience higher levels of trust in the emotional availability and accessibility of their partners. They know they can rely on them to consistently offer safety, especially in times of adversity. Researchers also found that the more stable a relationship is, the lower the need for approval in it. So, in the right relationship, there's no second-guessing yourself or your partner because they're showing up consistently, and accepting you as you are. 2. The Relationship Feels Easy In The Right Ways If you've heard that love should feel 'effortless,' it doesn't mean that you don't put in the work. It means the connection flows naturally and evolves even after the initial excitement fades, because you both actively contribute to keeping the spark alive. Disagreements may happen, but in the right connection, they don't mean that things are going to fall apart. They become an opportunity to learn more about each other, practice repair and come back with an even deeper connection than before. In such a relationship, you'll be able to express your concerns and have them addressed, rather than getting stuck in arguments that only escalate and go nowhere. Being with the right person doesn't mean life suddenly becomes perfect or easy, but it'll often feel easier to navigate with them by your side. The relationship itself won't be a source of anxiety, self-doubt or instability. There's no stress about where you stand with your partner, because it feels like you're on the same team, facing life together. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, high-quality relationships have a core component: 'Perceived partner responsiveness.' This refers to feeling as though your partner truly: Researchers discovered that when one person displays such compassionate intent, it also encourages the other person to be more responsive to them, leading to both people helping each other flourish. So, the right person does not complicate life. They simplify and enhance it. They care about your needs, help you get closer to your dreams and remind you that you're not alone in the process. 3. You Grow Together, Not Away From Yourself In the right relationship, you're allowed — and actively encouraged — to thrive. Your partner doesn't require you to sacrifice parts of who you are to fit into anyone else's narrative. They're present for your growth while also being reflective and proactive about their own. In a 2021 study published in Family Process, researchers developed the Couple Flourishing Measure, a scale designed to capture the dynamic, intentional and emotionally rich qualities that define truly flourishing couples. Researchers found that flourishing couples don't just feel good together; they grow together. Specifically, they identified that flourishing relationships are characterized by: In such a relationship, you'll no longer question, 'Will we last forever?' or 'Are they good for me?' Instead, you'll consider, 'What can we do to thrive in this life together?' Still wondering if you're with the right person? Take this science-backed test to learn whether your relationship is truly helping you flourish: Flourishing Measure.
