13-05-2025
My secret formula to get my husband to do more housework
While sex in my own marriage was satisfying, it had become more irregular – averaging two to three times a month – because of busy work schedules, tiredness, kids and, well, housework. Sometimes I came to bed long after my husband because I didn't want to leave kitchen counters stacked with dishes.
The feminist in me hated the thought of leveraging sex to get my husband to do something he should do anyway. But the counsellor said that the natural give and take of relationships already includes plenty of things you do simply because your partner wants or needs them. 'Besides, most of these ladies find that once things get going, they enjoy it too,' she said, plucking a crostini from a platter.
And thus my 'Friday Night Leg Over Experiment' was born.
The idea was simple: for two months I would initiate sex every Friday night, then see if that prompted him to chip in more over the weekend. I did this without informing him so I wouldn't skew the results. (If he had known I was trying to buy housework with sex, it could have led to a supply-and-demand, inflationary pricing situation that didn't bear thinking about.)
My findings turned out to be quite different from what I expected, including the impact of scheduled sex on me. Here's what happened:
Week 1
I was ready and excited for the experiment. The first Friday night, my husband seemed surprised and delighted when I turned to him for something more than the perfunctory goodnight kiss. The evening was a nice, unexpected ego boost for both of us.
Week 2
This time he initiated and I responded. After a long week for both of us, it was nothing fancy, but nice nonetheless.
Week 3
Adding sex to a to-do list, alongside scrubbing the tub and descaling the kettle, has made it feel like a chore.
Week 4
Pavlovian response seemed to have set in. We turned towards each other more from weekly habit than sexual magic. Oh well.
Week 5
After a late night with friends, we fell instantly asleep. I made up for it on Saturday morning before taking the kids out for the day. Nice enough, even though I was watching the clock a little.
Week 6
I realised with surprise that this had become a reliable weekly opportunity to reconnect. It felt like we were focussing on and caring for each other.
Week 7
It felt like we had reached an easy equilibrium. Sometimes I initiated, sometimes he did, but 'Friday nights' had become a regular part of our relationship, beneficial to both of us.
Week 8
I've stopped counting the weeks now….
The experiment has unintentionally given our 10-year-plus sex life new energy, with emotional dividends too. In a way, it's unsurprising. As relationship experts often point out, sex helps to improve intimacy in a marriage, as well as making the individuals feel better about themselves, and now, instead of waiting around for the 'perfect moment', me and my husband are creating it. Even on those evenings when I tell myself I'm not in the mood, once we've started I get into it – just like the counsellor predicted.
My fear that I might be 'buying' housework with sex has also evaporated. Which is ironic because, well, he's doing more of it. Signs were promising on the first Saturday when he took out the rubbish without my asking. That could have been a coincidence, but he was noticeably more cheerful and affectionate for days afterwards. The next weekend, he offered to run a Saturday errand with the kids so I could 'relax at home' (also known as folding and putting away laundry, but still a welcome respite).
Over the weeks, he began to reliably do his regular chores while also running one-off errands. He no longer abandoned his socks on the bedroom floor or – even more maddeningly – on top of the laundry basket and started to actually put them in it.
As he contributed more at home, I realised I could help too. I stopped making comments like, 'Did you see this mess?' or 'You do know you can put your dishes straight into the dishwasher instead of leaving them for me?' Instead, I started sharing observations like, 'Oh this bin is getting full.' And he responded by tying it off and taking it out.
Initially I went into this experiment with a single hope: to lighten my own load on the domestic front. Ultimately though, I stumbled upon a way to reset our relationship, allowing both of us to show more consideration, cooperation and care for each other, with or without the Viakal.
I never did tell my husband about the Friday Night Leg Over Experiment – although, as a clever man, he might have suspected something. 'Isn't this nice,' he remarked a few weeks in, looking round the sitting room before glancing at me with a twinkle in his eye.
