Latest news with #emotionalabuse
Yahoo
21 hours ago
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Every Narcissist Has A 'Flying Monkey.' Here's What That Means.
Narcissists have an uncanny ability to get through to you, even when you've made an effort to create some distance between you and them. To sidestep any communication boundaries you've set, they'll often employ a third party ― a friend you have in common, your sibling or other parent if it's your mom or dad that you're dealing with, or a fellow coworker if your narc is in the workplace. Online ― in subreddits and Facebook groups where people detail their experiences with narcissists and emotional abusers ― this third party is sometimes called 'a flying monkey' or the narcissist's 'wingman.' If you're not one for pithy pop psychology terms, you could just call them an enabler. The flying monkey moniker is, of course, an allusion to the 'Wizard of Oz,' in which the wily Wicked Witch of the West enlists flying monkeys to do her dirty work: capturing Dorothy and her companions, terrorizing the land of the Winkies. (We won't classify the witch as a narcissist; who's to say if the DSM-5 psychiatric manual even exists in Oz?) A narcissist similarly uses their flying monkey to harass you emotionally, guilt trip you or plead their case, said Lauren Maher, a marriage and family therapist and the author of 'Mindfulness Workbook for Panic Attacks.' 'Consciously or unconsciously, the flying monkey upholds and advocates for the narcissist's reality,' Maher told HuffPost. 'They might covertly gather information, spread rumors, gaslight, bully, or minimize the reality of the person who is being abused by the narcissist. ' In Maher's practice, she's seen two types of people who are chosen as flying monkeys. The first consists of conflict-avoidant people-pleasers whose sympathies are easily manipulated by the narcissist. 'When they take the side of the narcissist, they may genuinely think they are advocating for the good,' she said. 'A common example seen in families is when a narcissistic parent portrays themselves as an eternal victim, but who in reality is quite emotionally abusive to one sibling behind closed doors.' When the emotionally abused sibling ― who's often the 'scapegoat' of the family ― finally sets boundaries with this parent, they may experience pushback from another sibling who tells them they are being selfish, uncaring, or 'tearing the family apart,' Maher said. The second type of flying monkey is a little less well-meaning ― more of a willing ally of the narcissist. 'I'm thinking of more cutthroat individuals who may have narcissistic traits themselves,' Maher said. 'An example of this would be someone who throws their colleague under the bus to protect the interests or public persona of a toxic boss, believing that this may ingratiate them to the boss and help them climb the ladder.' Clearly more nefarious than the first type, these flying monkeys might feel 'special' when they are chosen by the narcissist and may lack empathy for others, the therapist said. Regardless of what type you're dealing with, we've got advice on how to gently let your monkey know that what they're doing isn't going to fly with you. Take a pause when you come into contact with an enabler. Whether they're cognizant of it or not, flying monkeys are often sent to provoke a reaction ― usually guilt, shame, or some sort of defensiveness. Don't take the bait. 'Responding with emotion gives them power and reinforces the narcissist's control,' said Marie-Line Germain, a professor of HR and leadership and author of 'Narcissism at Work: Personality Disorders of Corporate Leaders'. 'Instead, try to remain calm and neutral,' she told HuffPost. 'In the moment, a simple response such as, 'Thanks, but I'm not discussing this' or 'My decision about this has been made and I'm not really looking for input' can be effective.' Know that this dynamic is so common, there's a psychological name for it: Triangulation. In conflict, people often use triangulation to bring another person into a relationship or conversation without directly confronting the person with whom they have an issue. That's what happens in these pesky flying monkey scenarios, said Ami B. Kaplan, a psychotherapist in New York and Florida who specializes in treating adult children of narcissists: The third party is sent in to stabilize the situation, which for the narcissist means bringing you back into the fold. 'This person ― the flying monkey ― is unfortunately 'triangulated' into communicating with the targeted person,' she said. 'For example, you see narcissist mothers sending their husbands to communicate with an estranged son, in the hopes that the father will get the son to re-engage with her.' The father might feel uneasy about his involvement, but a narcissist can be so difficult to deal with, many family members just go along with what they want to keep the peace, Kaplan said. Recognize that anything you tell the flying monkey will likely get back to the narcissist. This should go without saying: When dealing with an enabler, anything you say or do will in all likelihood be reported back to the narcissist as soon as you hop off the phone. 'Because nothing is confidential, keep your communication limited and refuse to discuss the conflict,' said Karyl McBride, a therapist and author of 'Will the Drama Ever End? Untangling and Healing from the Harmful Effects of Parental Narcissism.' This can be tricky and will almost undoubtedly require firm boundary setting, McBride said. 'Remember to make a boundary stick, you have to follow through and enforce it with things such as hanging up, walking away, refusing to engage,' she said. You have options when it comes to engaging with a flying monkey. The devastating part of all of this is that the enabler can be someone that you like, love or even get along with on a regular basis. But because they collude with your narcissist, you may need to reevaluate how you engage with them in your life, said Chelsey Brooke Cole, a psychotherapist and author of 'If Only I'd Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth.' You have a few options in this situation, though, she said. First, you can try to agree to disagree with the flying monkey. 'Maybe you say something like, 'We're not going to see that situation in the same way. Moving forward in our relationship, let's just agree to not talk about that subject,'' Cole said. In plenty of situations, that might be the best option. For example, if this is someone you work with, they may continue believing your narcissistic boss is a great leader, even though you know they're a bit two-faced and not cut out for management. If you and your coworker can avoid sharing opinions about your boss, you should be able to maintain a good working relationship, Cole said. Alternatively, you can test the waters by asking if the flying monkey is open to having a conversation about your side of the story, she said. She used the example of a family friend who's constantly saying things like, 'You really should call your mother. She's not going to be around forever.' 'You might know that this is your mother's attempt to triangulate and guilt-trip you into calling her, when you've set very clear boundaries that you don't want to contact her,' she said. 'In that case, you can respond with something like, 'It sounds like you might've heard some things about my relationship with my mom that isn't the full story. Are you open to hearing why I've decided not to be in contact with her right now?'' It's also an option to set boundaries about what you are and aren't willing to talk about with an enabler. 'Using the above scenario with the family friend, you can say something like, 'I understand where you're coming from, however my mom and I's relationship is our own and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't make those types of comments anymore.'' Cole said that in some cases, you may need to break off contact with the flying monkey for a spell, too. Lean into your support system. While you don't want to create a flying monkey situation of your own, there's absolutely nothing wrong with talking to someone you trust about how this is impacting you, Maher said, 'It's so important to lean on your own support network and to surround yourself with people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy and compassionate over time,' she said. Related... There Are 5 Types Of Narcissists. Any Of Them Sound Familiar? 6 Red Flag Phrases Narcissists Use To Manipulate You During An Argument I'm A Psychologist Who Specializes In Narcissists. Here's What We Need To Do To Stop Trump.
Yahoo
4 days ago
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- Yahoo
14 Things They Did To Make You Feel Like The Crazy One
Feeling like you're losing your grip on reality can be unsettling. Sometimes, the people around you might subtly or not-so-subtly contribute to this feeling. Here's a straightforward guide to some common tactics others might use to make you feel off-balance. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step to understanding that you're not the problem. 1. Gaslighting Gaslighting is a common tactic where someone makes you question your own memory or perception of events. They might say things like, "That never happened," or "You're imagining things." The goal is to make you doubt what you saw or heard, so you start to rely on their version of reality. According to Dr. Robin Stern, author of "The Gaslight Effect," gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse that can leave lasting scars. Knowing that this behavior is a deliberate tactic can help you trust your instincts again. Over time, consistent gaslighting can erode your confidence and make you second-guess your decisions. You might find yourself asking for validation more often or turning to others to confirm your version of events. This dependency can be damaging, as it makes you feel like you can't trust your own mind. It's important to remember that your experiences and feelings are valid, regardless of what others might try to make you believe. Reaffirming your reality can be empowering and is a crucial step toward reclaiming your peace of mind. 2. Minimizing Your Feelings When someone minimizes your feelings, they are dismissing or belittling your emotions. If you express that you're upset, they might respond with, "You're overreacting," or "It's not that big of a deal." This tactic makes you feel like your emotions are too intense or unwarranted, leading you to doubt the legitimacy of your feelings. The intent is to make you feel as though you're being unreasonable, often to deflect attention from the real issue. Acknowledging that your feelings matter is a critical step toward validating your own experiences. The impact of minimizing is often cumulative, where each instance builds upon the last, adding to your self-doubt. Over time, you might start to suppress your feelings, thinking they aren't worth discussing. This suppression can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and even depression. It's essential to surround yourself with people who respect and acknowledge your feelings. Being able to express yourself freely is a key component of healthy relationships and mental well-being. 3. Deflecting Blame Deflecting blame is when someone shifts the focus from their actions to yours, making you feel responsible for a problem. They might say, "Well, you started it," or "If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have reacted this way." This tactic effectively takes the spotlight off their behavior and places it on you. A study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology by Dr. Russell Johnson found that consistent blame-shifting can negatively impact a person's self-esteem and mental health. Recognizing this pattern is crucial to stop yourself from accepting undue responsibility. When you're constantly blamed, it can lead to unnecessary guilt and self-blame. This can affect your self-worth and make you question your role in every disagreement or problem. It's important to distinguish between constructive feedback and destructive blame. The former aims to resolve problems, while the latter is often about avoidance. By identifying blame-shifting, you can begin to set boundaries and protect your self-esteem. 4. Withholding Information Withholding information is a tactic where someone deliberately keeps you out of the loop. This can be about small things, like forgetting to tell you about a change in plans, or more significant issues, like not sharing important details that affect you. The aim is to make you feel uninformed and unsure about what's happening, fostering dependency on them for information. This tactic can make you feel confused and powerless, as if you can't make informed decisions. Recognizing when information is being intentionally withheld can empower you to seek clarity and assert your right to be informed. When information is withheld, it can create an imbalance in the relationship. You might find yourself constantly asking for updates or trying to piece together fragmented details. This dynamic can lead to frustration and anxiety, as you're never quite sure if you're aware of the full picture. It's essential to assert your need for transparency and open communication. Open dialogue helps ensure that you're on equal footing, reducing feelings of uncertainty and confusion. 5. Public Shaming Public shaming involves criticizing or embarrassing you in front of others. It might be a snide remark at a dinner party or a sarcastic comment in a meeting. The aim is to undermine your confidence and establish control by making you feel small. Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, emphasizes that shame can be a powerful weapon that damages self-esteem and social connections. Understanding the intention behind public shaming can help you detach from the embarrassment and address the real issue. Being shamed in public often leads to feelings of humiliation and self-consciousness. You might find yourself withdrawing from social situations or becoming overly cautious about your actions. This self-censorship can stifle your authentic self and make interactions feel strained. To combat public shaming, it's important to reaffirm your self-worth and engage with supportive individuals who respect you. Building resilience against shame can empower you to stand up for yourself and maintain your dignity. 6. Playing The Victim Playing the victim involves turning the tables to make you feel guilty for their problems. They might say things like, "Everything always happens to me," or "You don't understand what I'm going through." This tactic is designed to evoke sympathy and shift attention away from their actions. By casting themselves as the victim, they're trying to make you feel responsible for their hardships, deflecting accountability. Recognizing this behavior can help you avoid falling into the guilt trap they set. When someone constantly plays the victim, it can create a dynamic where you feel obligated to fix their problems. This obligation can become emotionally draining, as you're continuously trying to alleviate their perceived suffering. It's essential to understand that while empathy is important, you're not responsible for solving someone else's issues. Setting boundaries ensures that your emotional energy isn't being exploited. By maintaining these boundaries, you can foster healthier interactions and preserve your mental well-being. 7. Silent Treatment The silent treatment is when someone stops communicating with you in an attempt to control or punish you. They might ignore your calls, texts, or even your presence altogether. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, stonewalling, or the silent treatment, can be one of the four major predictors of relationship breakdown. This behavior leaves you feeling isolated and anxious, as you try to figure out what went wrong. Recognizing this tactic is vital in understanding that it's a form of emotional manipulation. Receiving the silent treatment can feel like you're being emotionally abandoned, leading to feelings of rejection. It often leaves you overanalyzing every interaction, searching for the cause of their behavior. This silence can deter effective communication, fostering resentment and misunderstanding. It's important to address the silent treatment head-on, expressing your need for open dialogue. Healthy communication requires mutual effort, and both parties should feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. 8. Constant Criticism Constant criticism involves frequently pointing out your flaws and mistakes. Whether it's about the way you dress, speak, or handle situations, the critique never seems to end. The intent is to lower your self-esteem and make you feel inadequate. Over time, this barrage of negativity can wear you down, making you doubt your abilities and worth. Recognizing that not all criticism is constructive helps you filter out what's meant to help from what's meant to harm. When you face constant criticism, it can make you overly self-critical and hesitant. You might find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to avoid further judgment. This apprehension can hinder your confidence and stifle personal growth. Instead of internalizing every negative comment, it's important to assess their validity and relevance. Constructive criticism should help you improve, not diminish your spirit, so focus on feedback that offers genuine value. 9. Love Bombing Love bombing is when someone overwhelms you with excessive admiration and attention at the start of a relationship. It might involve lavish gifts, constant communication, and declarations of affection. While it feels flattering initially, the intent is to create dependency by making you feel indebted or overly attached. Once you're hooked, the love bomber may withdraw affection, leaving you confused and seeking their approval. Recognizing love bombing is crucial to maintaining a balanced perspective on affection and commitment. The initial phase of love bombing often feels euphoric, as you're showered with attention and praise. However, this intense focus can quickly shift, leaving you feeling abandoned or questioning your worth. The cycle of over-attachment followed by withdrawal can create emotional instability and insecurity. It's important to establish boundaries early on and seek a balanced, reciprocal relationship. True affection is steady and consistent, not a rollercoaster of highs and lows. 10. Triangulation Triangulation involves drawing a third party into your relationship or conflict to manipulate the situation. This might involve spreading rumors, confiding in someone else, or using another person to deliver messages. The goal is to create confusion and division, making you feel outnumbered or unsupported. This tactic seeks to undermine your confidence in your relationships and make you question loyalties. Recognizing triangulation allows you to focus on direct communication with the person involved. When triangulation occurs, it can leave you feeling isolated and unsure about who to trust. The presence of a third party can skew perceptions and complicate resolutions. It's important to address issues directly with the person involved, rather than allowing intermediaries to influence the narrative. By fostering open and honest dialogue, you can prevent misunderstandings and strengthen trust. Understanding the motives behind triangulation enables you to navigate conflicts with clarity. 11. Weaponizing Insecurities Weaponizing insecurities involves using your fears and doubts against you. Someone might bring up your past mistakes, body image concerns, or career struggles during arguments. The intent is to hit you where it hurts, making you feel vulnerable and defensive. This tactic seeks to control you by exploiting your weaknesses, ensuring you stay in a position of self-doubt. Recognizing this behavior can help you build resilience against such attacks. When your insecurities are weaponized, it can lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy. You might find yourself dwelling on these insecurities more often, impacting your mental well-being. It's crucial to differentiate between genuine concern and manipulative intent behind such comments. Surrounding yourself with supportive individuals who uplift rather than degrade you can counteract this negative influence. Building self-confidence and self-acceptance is key to deflecting these harmful tactics. 12. Inconsistent Behavior Inconsistent behavior involves unpredictable changes in someone's actions or attitude toward you. They might be warm and affectionate one moment and cold or distant the next. This inconsistency can leave you feeling confused and anxious, as you're never sure where you stand. The aim is to keep you on edge, seeking their approval or attention. Recognizing inconsistent behavior is essential to understanding that their actions are more about control than genuine emotion. When faced with inconsistent behavior, it can make you question your actions and their impact on the relationship. You might find yourself constantly seeking reassurance or analyzing every interaction for clues. This uncertainty can create a cycle of dependency, as you strive to maintain their positive attention. It's important to establish clear boundaries and communicate your needs for stability and consistency. Trusting in your worth, regardless of someone else's fluctuating behavior, empowers you to maintain emotional balance. 13. Moving The Goalposts Moving the goalposts involves changing expectations or requirements, making it impossible for you to meet them. You might complete a task only to be told that the criteria have shifted or that additional requirements are needed. This tactic is designed to keep you in a perpetual state of striving, never feeling like you've achieved success. Over time, it can lead to exhaustion and feelings of inadequacy, as you can never meet the ever-changing standards. Recognizing this behavior helps you realize that the problem isn't your effort or ability. When the goalposts are constantly moved, it can lead to frustration and decreased motivation. You might start to doubt your capabilities, feeling like you can't achieve anything worthwhile. It's essential to identify when expectations are genuinely shifting versus when they're being manipulated. Establishing clear and consistent objectives helps maintain focus and avoid unnecessary stress. By setting your own standards and celebrating your accomplishments, you can resist the pressure of constantly shifting goals. 14. Isolation Isolation involves cutting you off from friends, family, or other support systems. The person might discourage you from seeing loved ones or create conflict with those around you. The goal is to make you more dependent on them, reducing outside influences and support. This tactic can leave you feeling lonely and trapped, as your world becomes increasingly centered around them. Recognizing attempts to isolate you is crucial to maintaining your independence and support network. Isolation can lead to feelings of loneliness and helplessness, as you feel disconnected from your usual sources of support and joy. You might find it harder to reach out for help or express your feelings openly. It's important to actively maintain your relationships and seek support from those who care about you. By staying connected with others, you reinforce your sense of identity and belonging. Building and nurturing a strong support network is vital to resisting isolation and maintaining your emotional well-being. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
17-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
14 Reasons You're Not Crazy, You Were Just Being Emotionally Abused
Emotional abuse can be insidious, leaving you questioning your own reality. It's not as obvious as physical abuse, and it can often masquerade as concern, love, or a desire to "help." But you're not losing your mind—you're just caught in a toxic situation. Let's dive into the signs that reveal you're not crazy; you're a victim of emotional abuse. 1. You Were Forced To Walk On Eggshells You find yourself constantly trying not to upset them, tiptoeing around their moods. Every word is chosen carefully, every action premeditated, to avoid triggering their anger or disappointment. This isn't normal—it's a form of control that keeps you in a state of anxiety. According to Dr. Steven Stosny, a psychologist specializing in this field, walking on eggshells is a common sign of emotional abuse, leaving you in a heightened state of stress. You deserve to live without this constant pressure. In healthy relationships, you should feel free to be yourself without fear of negative repercussions. Your partner or loved one should support you, not leave you dreading their reactions. When you're always anticipating conflict or criticism, it can wear you down and erode your self-esteem. This constant fear isn't simply a phase or something you should "get used to." It's a serious red flag that signals an emotionally abusive dynamic. 2. You Were Accused Of Overreacting When you try to express your emotions, they're brushed aside or belittled. You might hear things like, "You're too sensitive," or "You're overreacting." Over time, you start doubting the validity of your own emotions, wondering if there's something wrong with you. This tactic is called emotional invalidation, and it's designed to make you second-guess yourself. Your feelings are real and deserve to be acknowledged and respected. In healthy relationships, your emotions are given space and consideration. It's not about never disagreeing or having conflicts, but rather about how those conflicts are handled. When you're constantly told that your feelings are irrelevant or exaggerated, it can feel like you're losing touch with reality. Emotional abuse thrives on making you doubt yourself, eroding your confidence little by little. Stand firm in recognizing that your feelings are legitimate and worthy of being heard. 3. You Were Gaslit Daily Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that makes you question your perception of reality. You may hear phrases like, "I never said that," or "You're imagining things." Over time, these denials can leave you feeling confused, anxious, and defensive. According to Robin Stern, Ph.D., co-founder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, gaslighting can lead to a distorted self-image and a warped sense of reality ("The Gaslight Effect"). Recognizing this behavior is crucial to protecting your mental health. In a supportive relationship, communication is clear and honest, not filled with deceit and misdirection. You deserve conversations that leave you feeling understood and valued, not bewildered and belittled. Gaslighting erodes trust and can lead to feelings of isolation and self-doubt. It's a deliberate tactic to maintain power and control, leaving you questioning your sanity. Remember, trust your instincts, and don't ignore the unsettling feeling that something is amiss. 4. Your Words Were Twisted You find that no matter how clearly you communicate, your words are often turned against you. This twisting of your words can leave you feeling misunderstood and defensive. They might say things like, "That's not what you said," or, "You meant this, not that," leaving you in a constant state of frustration. This isn't just a communication issue; it's a deliberate attempt to undermine your confidence in expressing yourself. You deserve to be heard and understood, not manipulated. Healthy communication involves listening and seeking to understand, not distorting what someone says to make them feel guilty or confused. When your words are consistently twisted, it can lead to self-doubt and a reluctance to speak up. This tactic keeps you on the back foot, unsure of your own intentions or meanings. It's important to recognize this pattern as a form of emotional abuse that aims to destabilize your sense of self. Seek clarity and honesty, and don't let them spin your words into something they're not. 5. You Were Isolated From Loved Ones Isolation can be a key strategy in emotional abuse, cutting you off from friends and family. This separation makes you more reliant on the abuser, giving them more control over your life. You might start noticing that they discourage your relationships or make you feel guilty about wanting to spend time with others. A study published in the "Journal of Family Psychology" highlights how isolation can intensify emotional abuse by creating a dependency on the abuser. Don't let them cage you in; your connections are vital for your well-being. In healthy relationships, partners encourage your friendships and support your independence. Social connections are essential, providing you with a broader perspective and emotional support. When someone tries to isolate you, it's often a tactic to remove those supports, making you more susceptible to their influence. Recognize this pattern as a method of control aimed at weakening your social network. Stay connected, and don't let anyone sever the ties that keep you grounded. 6. You Were Made To Feel Guilty Guilt becomes a tool they wield to manipulate your behavior and decisions. You find yourself agreeing to things or apologizing even when you know you've done nothing wrong. This constant guilt-tripping makes you question your actions and motives, keeping you in a state of submission. Emotional abusers often use guilt to maintain power, making you feel responsible for their happiness or anger. Remember, you are not responsible for their emotions or actions. In a healthy relationship, decisions are made together, without a cloud of guilt hanging over every interaction. You shouldn't feel forced into actions or choices out of fear of displeasing them. This kind of manipulation can lead to a cycle of dependency, where you constantly seek their approval. It's a tactic that traps you, making you feel inadequate and perpetually in the wrong. Stand firm in your right to make decisions free from emotional coercion. 7. You Were Told You Were To Blame The tables are constantly turned, and somehow you end up feeling like the one who's caused the problem. Every disagreement ends with them painting themselves as the victim, regardless of the situation. You might hear them say, "Look what you made me do," or "You always blame me." According to Dr. Jennifer Freyd, a psychology professor at the University of Oregon, this tactic is a form of betrayal trauma, manipulating your emotions to serve their narrative. This tactic shifts blame, making you doubt your role and perception of events. In supportive relationships, accountability is shared, and both parties take responsibility for their actions. Constant victim-playing by the abuser deflects responsibility and keeps you in a cycle of guilt and apology. This behavior is manipulative, keeping you focused on their needs and away from addressing the real issues at hand. It creates a false narrative that leaves you questioning your own actions and intentions. Recognize this pattern as a way to deflect criticism and avoid accountability, and hold firm to your truth. 8. Your Achievements Were Dissed Every accomplishment you achieve is met with indifference or dismissiveness. Instead of celebrating your successes, they might downplay your achievements or suggest that they aren't a big deal. This lack of recognition can sap your motivation and leave you questioning your worth. When someone minimizes your successes, it's a tactic to keep you from feeling too confident or independent. Remember, your achievements are valid and deserve recognition. In a healthy relationship, your partner or loved ones support and celebrate your accomplishments with genuine happiness. Your successes should be a source of pride, not a threat to their ego. When someone consistently minimizes what you've achieved, it's an attempt to keep you from realizing your full potential. This behavior is about control, ensuring you remain dependent and unsure of yourself. Hold onto your pride in your achievements and seek validation from those who genuinely support you. 9. You Were Forced To Endure Silence As Punishment The silent treatment becomes a common weapon in their arsenal, leaving you feeling isolated and anxious. This deliberate withdrawal of communication is a form of emotional manipulation, meant to punish and control you. Instead of addressing issues, they choose silence, which can feel more painful than words. The silent treatment is a tactic to make you feel insecure and desperate for their attention. Don't let this method of control make you doubt your worth or your right to be heard. In healthy relationships, conflicts are resolved through open communication, not by shutting down and freezing out the other person. Silence should be a space for reflection, not a tool for punishment. When someone uses silence against you, it's designed to make you feel powerless and anxious. This behavior is about maintaining control, ensuring you remain on edge and eager to appease them. Remember, you deserve communication and resolution, not emotional games and manipulation. 10. You Were Relentlessly Criticized Relentless criticism becomes a norm, chipping away at your self-esteem and confidence. No matter what you do, it's never enough, and every action is scrutinized. This constant criticism isn't about improving you; it's about controlling you by making you feel inadequate. When someone is hypercritical, they're often projecting their own insecurities onto you. Someone else's harsh words shouldn't dictate your self-worth. In healthy relationships, feedback is given with kindness and the intent to support, not belittle. Constructive criticism should help you grow, not make you doubt your every move. When criticism is constant and harsh, it becomes damaging, leaving you feeling unworthy and unsure. It's a tactic to keep you dependent, ensuring you never feel good enough without their approval. Trust your judgment and recognize the difference between constructive feedback and destructive criticism. 11. You Were Made To Doubt Your Sanity Through a series of manipulations and lies, they leave you questioning your own mental state. You might feel forgetful, confused, or like you're losing control of your mind. This is another form of gaslighting, aimed at keeping you off-balance and reliant on them for reality checks. When you're constantly questioning your own sanity, it's a sign that something is deeply wrong. Your mind is not the problem; the manipulation is. In a healthy relationship, your mental health is supported and nurtured, not undermined. You should feel stable and secure, not constantly questioning your grasp on reality. This kind of psychological manipulation is designed to keep you vulnerable and dependent. It's a calculated tactic to control you by making you feel incapable and unstable. Trust in your reality and seek support from those who reinforce your sanity, not those who undermine it. 12. You Felt Responsible For Their Emotions You find yourself constantly trying to manage their moods and emotions, feeling like you're walking through a minefield. Their happiness seems to depend entirely on your actions, and you're left feeling exhausted and burdened. This responsibility for their emotions is unfair and manipulative, keeping you in a state of constant vigilance. You are not their emotional caretaker; they need to take responsibility for their own feelings. Emotional health in a relationship should be a shared responsibility, not a one-person job. In a healthy relationship, both partners manage their emotions independently, supporting each other without undue burden. Emotional manipulation involves making you feel like you have to monitor and adjust to their moods constantly. This kind of dependency is draining and unsustainable, leaving you feeling trapped and overwhelmed. Recognize that their emotions are their responsibility, not yours. Stand firm in your boundaries and prioritize your emotional well-being. 13. You Were Threatened Emotionally Threats become a common method to control your actions and decisions. These threats might be subtle, like hinting that they'll leave you or implying you'll lose their love. Emotional threats create a climate of fear and insecurity, ensuring you comply with their wishes. You shouldn't feel scared or coerced into doing things against your will. Emotional threats are a clear sign of an abusive relationship, not loving behavior. In a healthy relationship, actions are based on mutual respect and understanding, not fear of repercussions. Love should never come with strings attached or threats of withdrawal. When someone uses emotional threats, it's about maintaining power and control, not fostering a nurturing environment. Recognize this behavior as a tactic to keep you in line, not a reflection of your worth. You deserve love and respect without the looming threat of emotional blackmail. 14. Your Entire Life And Memory Was Controlled They rewrite your story, making you doubt your experience and memory. Each event becomes distorted in its retelling, leaving you unsure of your own perspective. This control over your narrative is a form of domination, ensuring their version of events is the only one that matters. You should have control over your own story, not be subject to their manipulations. Your experiences are valid and deserve acknowledgment and respect. In healthy relationships, each person's perspective is heard and valued equally. Your voice should be just as important as theirs, with space for mutual storytelling. When one person controls the narrative, it silences your truth and leaves you feeling marginalized. This behavior isn't love or concern; it's about ensuring you remain under their influence. Reclaim your voice and your narrative, and seek relationships where your truth is not only heard but valued.
Yahoo
17-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
14 Things Only People Who Escaped A Narcissist Will Understand
Escaping a narcissist is a journey that only those who've been through it can truly understand. You've likely felt the highs of their charming facade and the lows of their manipulative tactics. The experience leaves you with insights and scars that outsiders might not grasp. If you've managed to break free, you're part of a unique group with some shared experiences. Here are 14 things you'll understand all too well. 1. The Illusion Of Control When you're with a narcissist, it often feels like they have everything under control. They project confidence and decisiveness, making you question your own judgment. But once you're out, you start to see the cracks in that facade. Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist and author of "Rethinking Narcissism," explains that in reality, narcissists often feel out of control themselves. Their need to dominate is less about true confidence and more about masking their insecurities. After leaving, you realize that their control was an illusion all along. It wasn't that they managed things better; they simply manipulated situations to look that way. They often used emotional tactics to keep you guessing and on edge. As you distance yourself, you regain your ability to trust your instincts. The clarity that follows is both freeing and a little disorienting. 2. The Constant Walking On Eggshells Living with a narcissist often feels like a constant balancing act. You're always watching what you say or do to avoid triggering them. Anything could set them off, from an innocent question to a perceived slight. This hyper-vigilance becomes second nature, and it's exhausting. Once you're out, you realize how heavy that burden was. The freedom to express yourself without fear of backlash is both exhilarating and strange. You might find yourself hesitating before speaking, a remnant of your past conditioning. But slowly, you learn that disagreements and mistakes won't lead to emotional explosions. You start to reclaim your voice and your right to be heard. It's a relief to realize that conflicts can be resolved calmly and rationally. 3. The Devaluation Phase After the initial charm wears off, a narcissist's demeanor often shifts. You go from being idealized to, often without warning. This devaluation can be brutal, leaving you feeling confused and insecure. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author of "Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist," notes that this is a common pattern in narcissistic relationships. It's a tactic to keep you off-balance and reliant on their approval. Post-escape, the devaluation phase becomes clearer in hindsight. You start to recognize the subtle ways they chipped away at your self-esteem. Rebuilding your sense of self-worth takes time, but it's empowering. You learn to trust your own value without needing external validation. Those who haven't experienced it may not understand how deep these wounds go, but you know healing is possible. 4. The Gaslighting Games Gaslighting is a favored tool of narcissists, making you doubt your perception of reality. They might deny things you know happened, twisting facts to suit their narrative. It's confusing and can make you feel like you're losing your mind. This manipulation keeps you dependent on their version of events, unsure of what you believe. Freedom comes when you finally break the cycle. Once you're out, you start to trust your own memory and judgment again. It's a gradual process of piecing together what really happened. You realize their version of 'truth' was just a way to maintain control. Slowly, your confidence in your own reality grows stronger. It's a relief to know that your experiences are valid and your perceptions are trustworthy. 5. The Isolation Tactics Narcissists often work to isolate you from friends and family. They might do it subtly, sowing seeds of doubt about your loved ones. This isolation makes you more reliant on them, cutting off support systems that could offer perspective. Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, a therapist and author of "Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People," highlights how this tactic helps them maintain control. After escaping, reconnecting with your support network becomes vital. Once free, you realize the extent of the isolation and its impact on your life. Rebuilding those relationships can be challenging but is incredibly rewarding. Your friends and family can offer the understanding and support you missed. They help you rediscover parts of yourself that were overshadowed by the narcissist's influence. It's like coming home to yourself and your community again. 6. The Love-Bombing Trap In the beginning, a narcissist often showers you with attention and affection. This love-bombing phase is intoxicating, making you feel special and adored. It's designed to reel you in, creating a strong emotional bond. But this intensity isn't sustainable and often gives way to manipulation and control. Recognizing this pattern can be eye-opening once you're out of the relationship. After leaving, the initial charm seems more like a performance. It was never about genuine connection but about securing your loyalty. The realization that what felt like love was actually a tactic is painful. However, it also empowers you to seek relationships based on mutual respect and authenticity. You learn to value genuine affection over grand gestures. 7. The Need For Constant Validation Narcissists often require constant admiration and validation. They thrive on compliments and attention, using others to boost their fragile egos. This neediness can be exhausting, as you find yourself constantly catering to their desires. According to Dr. W. Keith Campbell, co-author of "The Narcissism Epidemic," this insatiable need stems from a deep-seated insecurity. Once free, you no longer have to feed their ego. Breaking away means you can refocus on your own needs and desires. You stop walking on eggshells, trying to keep them happy. It's liberating to realize that relationships should be a two-way street. You start to seek connections where both parties are valued equally. This understanding helps you build healthier, more balanced relationships. 8. The Blame-Shifting Manipulation In a relationship with a narcissist, you might find yourself constantly blamed for issues. They rarely take responsibility for their actions, deflecting onto you instead. This blame-shifting can make you question your own role in problems. Over time, you might even start to accept guilt that isn't yours. Recognizing this pattern is crucial to breaking free. Once you're out, you learn to separate their issues from your own. You realize that nobody is perfect, but you weren't the cause of every problem. This clarity allows you to own what's yours without taking on unnecessary guilt. It's a relief to understand that you can address conflicts without being the scapegoat. This shift in perspective is crucial for healing and self-growth. 9. The Charm Offensive Narcissists often use charm as a weapon, drawing people in with charisma. Their ability to make you feel special is unparalleled, creating a magnetic pull. This charm offensive is strategic, meant to win you over quickly. Over time, though, the charm fades, revealing a more controlling and demanding persona. Recognizing this shift is a pivotal moment in regaining your autonomy. After leaving, you start to see charm for what it was: a tactic. It wasn't about genuine interest in you but rather about securing your compliance. This realization helps you develop a more discerning eye for charm versus authenticity. You become more attuned to genuine connections, valuing substance over surface. It's a critical step in protecting yourself from future manipulations. 10. The Emotional Rollercoaster Life with a narcissist is often an emotional rollercoaster. The highs are exhilarating, while the lows are devastating. This constant fluctuation keeps you on edge, never quite sure what to expect. It's a form of emotional manipulation that ensures you remain invested. Breaking free means stepping off this tumultuous ride. Once out, you yearn for stability and peace. You begin to appreciate the calm and predictability of healthy relationships. It takes time to adjust to a life without constant drama, but it's worth it. You learn that contentment can be just as fulfilling as excitement. This newfound equilibrium becomes the foundation for your emotional health. 11. The Need To Rebuild Yourself Narcissistic relationships often leave you with shattered self-esteem. Constant criticism and manipulation can erode your sense of self-worth. Rebuilding it is a gradual process, requiring patience and self-compassion. You start by affirming your own value independently of others' opinions. This self-reliance becomes the cornerstone of your recovery. As you rebuild, you learn to set boundaries and prioritize your needs. You stop seeking validation from those who don't value you. This shift empowers you to choose healthier relationships going forward. You become more confident in your worth, attracting people who respect and uplift you. It's a transformative journey, one that makes you stronger and more resilient. 12. The Relief Of No Longer Being Controlled Leaving a narcissist means regaining control over your own life. You no longer have to adhere to their whims or cater to their demands. This newfound freedom is both exciting and daunting. At first, making decisions without their input might feel unfamiliar. But gradually, you learn to trust your own judgment again. With time, you relish the independence and autonomy that comes with it. You can pursue your passions and interests without fear of reprisal. This freedom allows you to grow and evolve in ways that were previously stifled. It's a chance to rediscover who you are, free from manipulation. The relief of autonomy is a gift you'll never take for granted. 13. The Importance Of Setting Boundaries After surviving a narcissist, setting boundaries becomes a crucial life skill. You learn that it's essential to protect your space and mental health. Boundaries are not about keeping people out, but about defining your limits. They ensure that respect and mutual understanding are at the forefront of your interactions. This skill becomes vital in all areas of your life. As you practice setting boundaries, you become more attuned to your own needs. You recognize when someone is overstepping and feel empowered to speak up. This confidence extends to all your relationships, not just romantic ones. You learn that healthy boundaries are a sign of self-respect. They help you build connections based on mutual care and understanding. 14. The Power Of Self-Reflection Escaping a narcissist often prompts deep self-reflection. You examine what drew you to them and what kept you there. This introspection is not about self-blame but about understanding your patterns. It's an opportunity to learn from the past and make healthier choices in the future. Self-awareness becomes a powerful tool for personal growth. Through reflection, you become more aware of your strengths and vulnerabilities. You start to see how past experiences shaped your responses and decisions. This understanding allows you to break unhealthy cycles and foster more positive relationships. You grow more compassionate towards yourself, acknowledging the resilience it took to escape. Self-reflection becomes an ongoing part of your journey, guiding you towards a more fulfilling life. Solve the daily Crossword
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16-07-2025
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7 Topics High-Level Gaslighters Usually Avoid, According to Psychologists
7 Topics High-Level Gaslighters Usually Avoid, According to Psychologists originally appeared on Parade. Unfortunately, you or someone you know has probably experienced gaslighting before. 'Gaslighting' is a manipulation tactic that makes people question themselves, their sanity or their reality. It happens not only in romantic relationships, but also between friends, family members and in workplaces. High-level gaslighters are extra skilled (for lack of a better word) at the tactic. High-level gaslighting habits include weaponizing empathy and twisting stories to fit their narrative, while high-level gaslighting phrases can look like 'You're overreacting' and 'That never happened.'Let's broaden our insight by sharing topics high-level gaslighters tend to avoid—and ones they love to talk about—so we can better understand what to look People who gaslight refuse to be accountable for their hurtful behavior when they're called out, so they definitely won't bring it up. Don't expect to hear about that time they hurt your feelings (or if it does come up, expect them to blame-shift).'High-level gaslighters avoid the past unless they're cherry-picking it to make themselves look like the victim,' says Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver, PsyD, a licensed psychologist who has expertise in emotional abuse, antagonistic relational dynamics, gaslighting and trauma. 'Owning mistakes means surrendering control, and that's their greatest fear.'a licensed clinical psychologist with SOBA New Jersey, points to this too. 'High-level gaslighters almost always dodge conversations where they might be held responsible,' she says. 'Owning up to mistakes threatens their need for control and opens the door for others to question their behavior.'If you raise this topic with them, Dr. Edwards-Hawver says they'll engage in DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. This tactic is a multi-step approach to avoiding accountability and making you seem like the These Two Types of People Are the Most Likely to Experience Gaslighting—Here's Why and What to Do, According to Psychologists Gaslighters are often blame-shifters who don't want you to trust your intuition. For that reason, they aren't going to shed any light on or give any space for your emotional reality. They'll focus on what they say happened and how they feel.'If they acknowledge your emotions, it gives legitimacy to your perspective,' Dr. Estevez explains. 'Gaslighters thrive by making you question your reality.'If you bring up your feelings, Dr. Edwards-Hawver says they will sidestep, belittle or reframe them as irrational, dramatic or exaggerated. Basically, they'll say anything that causes you to doubt yourself, which is gaslighting's key. Because a gaslighter is 'never' in the wrong, you won't catch them apologizing—at least in a genuine way. 'A real apology involves acknowledgement, remorse and changed behavior—which dismantles the illusion of superiority or control,' Dr. Edwards-Hawver says. 'They avoid true repair because it levels the emotional playing field.'If they do 'apologize,' it'll be a fake one, she continues, and may sound something like 'I'm sorry you feel that way.' (Again, no accountability taken.)Related: 7 Things To Do When You Apologize, Because There's More to It Than Saying 'I'm Sorry' Since gaslighters want to trick you into believing them, they aren't going to give information that suggests otherwise. For example, if they're gaslighting you into thinking you're the one who started the argument, they won't admit to any part they played.'Whether it is a text message, a timeline or something they clearly stated before, they will sidestep the facts,' Dr. Estevez says. 'Confronting evidence puts cracks in the version of reality they are trying to control.' Clarity and mutual understanding are common goals in healthy relationships, but you won't get them from a gaslighter. 'Any in-depth discussion about the relationship's dynamics risks exposing an imbalance or emotional harm,' Dr. Estevez explains. 'They will change the subject, deflect or accuse you of 'creating drama.'' Setting boundaries is so important in relationships, and that's one reason why gaslighters hate it.'They tend to avoid any dialogue where you clearly define your needs or set firm boundaries,' Dr. Estevez says. 'Boundaries reduce their power.'If you do try to assert one, she continues, they may respond with something like 'You're overreacting' or 'I guess I am just the bad guy now.'Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros People who gaslight may avoid making social plans with you and a group of people, and it's not because they're introverted or shy.'They prefer to operate one-on-one where they can manipulate perception without resistance,' Dr. Edwards-Hawver says. 'Group settings with emotionally intelligent people threaten their control, especially if others might affirm your version of reality.' On the flip side, what will you probably catch a high-level gaslighter talking about? Dr. Estevez and Dr. Edwards-Hawver mention the following topics: Your flaws, mistakes and insecurities (under the guise of 'just being honest') Their version of past events Moral, high-ground arguments or vague philosophical takes that derail conversations and help them avoid accountability How others have wronged you Ambiguous, circular conversations or 'gray' situations where they can more easily manipulate you How you should stay loyal to them and 'protect' them Their reputation, charm and credibility If you interact with someone who avoids the former topics or loves the latter, you may be in a gaslighter's territory. And a high-level one at that. Be on the lookout for other gaslighting signs, too, and if they look familiar, consider reaching out to a loved one for Next:Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver, PsyD, a licensed psychologist who has expertise in emotional abuse, antagonistic relational dynamics, gaslighting and trauma Dr. Carolina Estevez, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist 7 Topics High-Level Gaslighters Usually Avoid, According to Psychologists first appeared on Parade on Jul 15, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Jul 15, 2025, where it first appeared.
