Latest news with #emotionalmanipulation
Yahoo
6 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
14 Things Covert Narcissists Say That Sound Supportive But Are Meant To Control You
In the world of relationships, covert narcissists can be particularly tricky to spot. They often sound supportive or caring, but their words are actually designed to manipulate and control you. Unlike their overt counterparts, covert narcissists are more subtle and their tactics can easily go unnoticed. Recognizing these behaviors can help you protect yourself from emotional manipulation. Here's a list of things covert narcissists might say that seem supportive but have underlying motives. 1. "I Just Want What's Best For You." At first glance, this phrase sounds like genuine concern. However, it's often used to justify controlling behavior under the guise of care. When a covert narcissist says this, they might really mean they want what they believe is best for you, according to their own desires. Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist and lecturer for Harvard Medical School, emphasizes that such statements can be about maintaining control rather than showing love or concern. By making you believe they're only looking out for you, they subtly steer your decisions to align with their preferences. Over time, you may find yourself doubting your own choices, feeling that someone else always knows better. This erosion of confidence can make you more reliant on them, which is precisely what they want. They gain satisfaction from knowing you depend on them for guidance. Although it seems supportive, this statement is ultimately about control. It's crucial to stay aware of your own needs and desires and not let someone else dictate what's best for you. 2. "You're So Talented, But..." When someone praises you, it's natural to feel good, but pay attention to what follows the 'but'. Covert narcissists often follow compliments with criticism, subtly undermining your self-esteem. This tactic keeps you in a cycle of seeking their approval, as you're left wondering if you ever meet their expectations. The praise part hooks you, while the criticism subtly diminishes your confidence. This method keeps you in a constant state of seeking validation from them. The covert narcissist's aim is to keep you off balance, never fully confident in your abilities. By mixing compliments with criticism, they ensure you remain dependent on their opinion. This makes it easier for them to manipulate your actions and emotions. It can be challenging to recognize this pattern because it initially seems like they're offering constructive feedback. However, if you constantly feel unsure of yourself after such interactions, it may be a sign of manipulation. 3. "I Just Want To Help You Improve." On the surface, this sounds like they're invested in your personal growth. Yet, this phrase is often used to mask their desire to mold you into someone who better fits their needs or ideals. According to relationship expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula, covert narcissists often highlight your flaws under the guise of personal development, making you feel inadequate without their guidance. This keeps you in a cycle of trying to meet their shifting standards, ultimately benefiting them more than you. The apparent altruism of such statements is often a cover for control. By positioning themselves as a benevolent guide, they create a dependency where you constantly seek their approval. This power dynamic can stifle your growth rather than promote it, as you're more focused on their perception than your own progress. The emotional toll can be significant, leaving you feeling insecure and trapped. It's important to recognize that genuine support encourages personal autonomy, not dependency. Be wary of those who offer help but seem to have their own agenda. 4. "You Need Someone Like Me To Guide You." When someone insists that you need them, it's a red flag for potential manipulation. Covert narcissists thrive on creating a sense of dependency in their relationships. By positioning themselves as indispensable, they make you question your ability to navigate life without their input. This tactic is a subtle form of control, designed to keep you tethered to them. It can be difficult to see because it often comes wrapped in what sounds like genuine care. The underlying message is that you're not capable on your own, which can undermine your self-esteem over time. It's a way to ensure that you continually seek their approval and advice. This creates a power imbalance, where your needs and desires take a backseat to theirs. True support builds confidence and independence, not reliance. Be cautious of anyone who suggests you can't thrive without their guidance. 5. "I'm Here For You, Whenever You Need Me." This phrase seems positive, suggesting a supportive presence in your life. However, covert narcissists might use it to create an obligation, expecting you to reciprocate their 'kindness' on their terms. Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi, a psychotherapist and author, notes that covert narcissists often give with strings attached, ensuring you feel indebted to them later. This twisted form of help can leave you feeling trapped in a cycle of unreciprocated favors. The support is conditional, rooted in creating a sense of obligation rather than genuine care. Their aim is to gain leverage in the relationship, making you feel you owe them something in return. Over time, it becomes clear that their availability comes with expectations, often leaving you feeling guilty for not meeting them. This creates an emotional bind, where their support feels more like a burden than a relief. It's essential to recognize when help comes with conditions and to set boundaries that protect your independence. True support respects your autonomy and doesn't demand repayment. 6. "I Only Criticize Because I Care." It's common for people to offer feedback, but when criticism is constant and masked as care, it's worth questioning. Covert narcissists often use criticism to keep you feeling inadequate and dependent on their approval. By saying it's because they care, they disguise their manipulation as concern. This tactic can erode your confidence and keep you second-guessing your actions. It's a subtle way to control how you perceive yourself and your capabilities. The constant criticism can make you feel like you're never good enough, causing you to seek more approval from them. Over time, you might find yourself adjusting your behavior just to avoid their negative feedback. This cycle can be emotionally draining, leaving you feeling stuck. Genuine care builds you up, rather than tears you down. Be wary of those who use criticism as a tool for control while claiming it's for your benefit. 7. "You'll Thank Me Later." This phrase suggests future gratitude, often used by covert narcissists to justify their controlling actions. By implying you'll eventually appreciate their interference, they sidestep accountability for their behavior. A study by Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen highlights that narcissistic behaviors often involve manipulation to maintain power within relationships. This statement assumes you're not currently capable of understanding what's best for you, undermining your autonomy. It's a clever way to make their control seem like a favor. By framing their behavior as something beneficial in the long run, they avoid immediate confrontation. This can keep you in a state of uncertainty, unsure whether to challenge their actions or wait for the supposed benefits. Over time, this can create a pattern of second-guessing your instincts, relying more on their judgment than your own. Recognizing these tactics is key to maintaining your independence and confidence. Trust in your ability to make decisions without needing someone else's validation. 8. "It's Your Choice, But..." Offering a choice sounds empowering until it comes with a 'but' that negates the freedom. Covert narcissists often present choices in a way that subtly pressures you to pick their preferred option. It can feel like any decision you make is wrong unless it aligns with their desires. This tactic maintains the illusion of autonomy while ensuring their control. It's a manipulative way to keep you in check without overtly dictating your actions. The key is in the subtle pressure, which can make you doubt your decisions. By framing it as your choice, they can deflect blame if things don't go well while still getting their way. This creates a dynamic where you feel responsible for any negative outcomes. The illusion of choice keeps you entangled in their influence. Genuine support allows you to make decisions without underlying pressure or manipulation. 9. "I Believe In You, But You Could Do Better." On the surface, this seems like a motivational statement, but it often carries an undercurrent of dissatisfaction. Covert narcissists use this tactic to keep you striving for their approval. The implicit criticism in 'you could do better' undermines the initial vote of confidence. It keeps you in a loop of seeking their validation, never truly feeling good enough. This can wear down your self-esteem over time. By positioning themselves as someone who believes in you, they create an illusion of support. Yet, the constant reminder that you're not quite meeting their expectations keeps you dependent on their opinion. This keeps you off-balance, always aiming to please them. Recognizing this pattern is crucial to breaking free from their influence. True belief in someone nurtures their growth without strings attached or hidden dissatisfaction. 10. "You're Too Sensitive." Dismissing your feelings as oversensitivity is a classic tactic used by covert narcissists. It minimizes your emotions and makes you doubt your reactions, giving them the upper hand. By labeling you as too sensitive, they avoid taking responsibility for their hurtful behavior. This can make you second-guess your feelings, wondering if you're overreacting. It's a way to invalidate your experiences and maintain control over the narrative. Over time, this can lead to a suppression of your emotions, as you fear being labeled as overly sensitive. This serves their purpose by keeping you silent and compliant, avoiding confrontation. Your feelings are valid, and dismissing them is a way to undermine your confidence. Healthy relationships respect and validate emotions rather than dismissing them. Be wary of those who use this tactic to avoid accountability for their actions. 11. "I Know You Better Than You Know Yourself." This statement is designed to undermine your self-awareness and confidence. Covert narcissists use it to position themselves as an authority on your thoughts and feelings. The implication is that you can't trust your own perceptions, making you more reliant on their judgment. Over time, this can erode your self-trust and make you question your own instincts. It's a subtle way to gain control over your decisions and self-perception. By suggesting they know you better, they make you doubt your own understanding of yourself. This tactic keeps you dependent on their insights, seeking their approval and guidance. It creates an unhealthy dynamic where your autonomy is diminished. Genuine relationships support your self-discovery rather than taking it over. Trust your own understanding of yourself and be cautious of those who claim to know you better. 12. "I'm Just Trying To Protect You." Protection sounds noble until it becomes a means of control. Covert narcissists often use this rationale to justify restricting your freedoms and choices. By framing their interference as protective, they maintain a semblance of care while dictating your actions. This can make you feel smothered rather than supported. It's a tactic that keeps you dependent under the guise of safety. The constant monitoring and decision-making on your behalf can erode your confidence over time. It creates a dynamic where your autonomy is sacrificed for their sense of control. While protection is a part of caring, it shouldn't come at the cost of your independence. Recognize when protection is a mask for control. True care supports your ability to make informed choices on your own. 13. "You Couldn't Do This Without Me." This phrase is engineered to make you feel incapable and dependent. Covert narcissists use it to erode your confidence and keep you tethered to them. By suggesting you're unable to achieve something on your own, they maintain control over your actions and decisions. This tactic can leave you feeling powerless and reliant on their guidance. It's a manipulative way to keep you in their orbit. The underlying message is one of inadequacy, which can wear down your self-esteem over time. This keeps you from challenging their authority or asserting your independence. By making you believe you're not capable, they ensure you remain dependent on their input. It's essential to recognize your capabilities and trust in your ability to succeed independently. Be wary of those who undermine your confidence to keep you close. 14. "You Don't Really Mean That." This dismissive phrase is often used to invalidate your feelings or opinions. Covert narcissists employ it to undermine your confidence in your own thoughts. By suggesting you don't really mean what you say, they cast doubt on your self-awareness. This can make you question your own feelings and perceptions, giving them more control over the narrative. It's a subtle way to keep you off balance and unsure of yourself. Over time, this tactic can lead to self-doubt and a reluctance to express your true thoughts. It creates a dynamic where you're hesitant to voice your opinions, fearing they'll be dismissed. This serves to maintain their dominance in the relationship, as your voice becomes overshadowed by theirs. True support and understanding involve validating and respecting your perspectives. Be cautious of those who try to silence your voice by questioning its validity. Solve the daily Crossword
Times
04-08-2025
- Times
My teenage daughter talks in therapy speak all the time
Q. I'm struggling with how to parent my 17-year-old daughter. She's started accusing me of being 'toxic', 'emotionally manipulative' and even 'gaslighting' her. These are big words with big meanings and they come out in heated moments — when I ask about her plans, offer advice or challenge her on things like school or screen time. I've always tried to be a loving, involved parent. We've had our clashes, like any mum and teenage daughter, but this feels different. The words she uses come straight from therapy speak online and it's as if she's diagnosing me with something every time we argue. I feel silenced; anything I say could be used against me. I've also become anxious about setting any boundaries with her, especially since a close friend of mine has been completely cut off by her daughter. I'm terrified the same thing could happen to me.
Yahoo
30-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
14 Signs Your Husband Isn't 'Difficult'—He's Emotionally Manipulative
Navigating relationships can be tricky, especially when you're trying to figure out if your spouse is just being "difficult" or if there's something deeper, like emotional manipulation, at play. It's crucial to understand the difference, as manipulation can have long-lasting effects on your mental health and self-esteem. Recognizing these signs can help you make informed decisions about your relationship and take steps towards a healthier dynamic. Here are 14 signs your husband might be more than just difficult—he could be emotionally manipulating you. 1. He Denies The Truth Also known as gaslighting, this is a form of psychological manipulation that makes you question your reality. If your husband constantly denies things he's said or done, or makes you feel like you're overreacting, he could be gaslighting you. Dr. Robin Stern from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence describes gaslighting as a way to "sow seeds of doubt in your own memory, perception, or judgment". This tactic can leave you feeling confused and powerless. Over time, it erodes your confidence, making it harder to trust your own instincts. If you find yourself frequently doubting your memories or feelings because he insists they aren't valid, this could be a red flag. It's not just an occasional disagreement but a consistent pattern that undermines your sense of self. When you start to believe you're the problem, it's often because the gaslighter has manipulated you into feeling that way. Recognizing this behavior is the first step in reclaiming your mental clarity. Trust your gut if something feels off. 2. He Emotionally Blackmails You Emotional blackmail is when someone uses guilt, fear, or obligation to control another person. If your husband often threatens to leave or harm himself if you don't comply with his wishes, he's using emotional blackmail. This tactic is designed to manipulate you into doing what he wants by exploiting your emotions. It can make you feel trapped in the relationship, as you're constantly worried about the consequences of not giving in. The fear of his threats often keeps you in a cycle of compliance and anxiety. Living under emotional blackmail is emotionally exhausting. It keeps you in a constant state of stress, as you're always trying to avoid triggering his threats. Over time, this can lead to feelings of helplessness and a significant loss of self-esteem. It's crucial to recognize these patterns and understand that his actions are not your fault. Setting boundaries and seeking support can be vital steps in dealing with this form of manipulation. 3. He's Constantly Criticizing You If your husband frequently criticizes you, it might be more than just being particular. Constant criticism can be a manipulation tactic designed to wear down your self-esteem and make you feel dependent on his approval. According to psychologist Guy Winch, Ph.D., persistent criticism can have damaging effects on mental health, leading to depression and anxiety. Being on the receiving end of constant negative feedback can make you feel like you're never good enough. It's important to differentiate between constructive feedback and relentless negativity. Constructive criticism can be helpful, but when criticism becomes a daily occurrence, it's typically not about helping you improve. Instead, it's about gaining control by making you doubt your worth. In healthy relationships, partners support and uplift each other rather than constantly pointing out flaws. If you feel like nothing you do is ever right in his eyes, it's a sign that his criticism is more about control than care. Remember, your worth isn't defined by someone else's opinion. 4. He Gives You The Silent Treatment The silent treatment is a common manipulation tactic used to control situations. By refusing to communicate, your husband might be punishing you or trying to get you to apologize for something you didn't do. This behavior can create a power imbalance, leaving you feeling anxious and desperate to resolve the conflict. It forces you to walk on eggshells as you try to figure out what's wrong. The silent treatment is not a healthy way to handle disagreements and can be emotionally damaging. When communication is intentionally cut off, it becomes difficult to address issues and move past conflicts. This tactic shifts the focus from the actual problem to the discomfort of being ignored. The silent treatment can make you feel isolated and unsure of how to fix things, further increasing your dependence on him. Healthy relationships rely on open communication and mutual respect. Don't let silence be used as a weapon against you. 5. He's Always The Victim If he constantly makes himself out to be the victim in every situation, it's a form of emotional manipulation. This tactic involves shifting blame onto you, making you feel guilty and responsible for everything that goes wrong. Psychologist Dr. Stephen Karpman identifies this behavior as part of the "Drama Triangle", where one person persistently plays the victim to manipulate others. By always being the victim, he avoids taking responsibility for his actions. This can leave you feeling blamed and burdened with fixing issues that aren't your fault. Playing the victim can undermine your confidence and make you question your role in the relationship. It can create a pattern where you're always the one apologizing, even when you've done nothing wrong. This shift in dynamics allows him to control the narrative, keeping you off balance. Recognizing this pattern is crucial for maintaining your emotional well-being. It's important to set boundaries and not take on blame that isn't yours. 6. He Withholds Affection Withholding affection as a means of control is another sign of emotional manipulation. If your husband withdraws love and affection when things don't go his way, it's a red flag. This tactic can make you feel like you're not deserving of love unless you comply with his demands. It creates a cycle of seeking approval and bending to his will just to receive affection. This behavior can erode your self-esteem and create an unhealthy dependency on his validation. Love and affection should be unconditional in a healthy relationship. When affection is used as leverage, it becomes a tool for manipulation rather than a genuine expression of love. It's important to recognize that you deserve affection even when disagreements arise. If you notice a pattern of affection being withheld to control your actions, it's crucial to address this behavior. Love shouldn't be conditional or used as a reward. 7. He's Jealous And Possessive While a little jealousy can be normal, excessive jealousy and possessiveness can signal emotional manipulation. If your husband constantly questions your whereabouts or accuses you of being unfaithful without cause, it's a control tactic. Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist, explains that extreme jealousy is often rooted in insecurity and a desire to control. This behavior can make you feel suffocated and untrusted in your relationship. It's important to have mutual trust rather than constant suspicion. Jealousy that crosses into possessiveness can isolate you from friends and family. It creates a dynamic where you feel like you're always under surveillance, monitored for any missteps. This can severely limit your freedom and diminish your sense of independence. Trust should be the foundation of any relationship, not a constant need to prove your loyalty. Recognizing when jealousy becomes a problem is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. 8. He Love Bombs You Love bombing is when someone showers you with excessive affection and attention to win you over. Although it might feel flattering, it's often a tactic to create dependency and gain control. This behavior can quickly turn manipulative, as the initial warmth is replaced with criticism and control. Love bombing can make you feel indebted to him, trapping you in a cycle of highs and lows. The abrupt change in behavior can leave you confused and longing for the initial affection. When someone uses love bombing as a tactic, the relationship often starts with a whirlwind of romance. However, the affection is typically short-lived and used to manipulate you into a false sense of security. Once you're hooked, the focus shifts to controlling you, often leaving you wondering what went wrong. It's important to recognize love bombing and understand that true love develops over time with mutual respect and understanding. Don't be swayed by grand gestures if they're followed by manipulation. 9. He Controls The Finances Financial control is a common form of manipulation in relationships. If your husband restricts your access to money or makes financial decisions without your input, he may be using finances as a tool of control. This behavior can leave you feeling dependent and powerless, as financial independence is a crucial aspect of personal autonomy. By controlling finances, he keeps you reliant on him for basic needs. This tactic can make it difficult to leave the relationship, as you may feel trapped without resources. Financial control often goes hand-in-hand with other forms of manipulation. It can prevent you from making independent decisions or pursuing opportunities that enhance your well-being. When your financial freedom is restricted, it limits your ability to take control of your life. Recognizing financial control is essential for reclaiming your independence. It's important to have open discussions about finances and ensure that decisions are made together as a partnership. 10. He Makes You Feel Guilty If your husband frequently makes you feel guilty for his unhappiness, it's a manipulation tactic. This type of behavior shifts responsibility onto you, making you feel like you have to fix things. It can create a constant sense of obligation, where you're always trying to make him happy at the expense of your own well-being. Feeling guilty for things beyond your control is emotionally taxing and can lead to burnout. It's important to recognize when guilt is being used as a weapon against you. Guilt should not be a tool for manipulation in a healthy relationship. It's natural to feel guilty occasionally, but if guilt is a constant presence, it's likely being used to control or manipulate you. This tactic often involves exaggerated claims or emotional responses designed to make you feel responsible for his feelings. In a healthy relationship, both partners take responsibility for their emotions and work together to address issues. Don't let guilt be used to manipulate you into compliance. 11. He Keeps You Away From Friends And Family If your husband attempts to isolate you from friends and family, it's a sign of manipulation. He may criticize your loved ones or create conflicts to keep you from seeing them. This tactic is designed to make you more dependent on him for social interaction and emotional support. Isolation can make it difficult to get an outside perspective on your relationship. By cutting off your support network, he gains more control over you. Isolation is a powerful tool of manipulation because it limits your access to alternative viewpoints. When you're cut off from loved ones, it becomes easier for him to dictate the narrative of the relationship. This can lead to a sense of loneliness and dependency on him for emotional needs. Maintaining relationships outside of your marriage is crucial for a balanced and healthy life. Recognize the signs of isolation and make an effort to keep your support network strong. 12. He Sets Double Standards Double standards are a common manipulation tactic used to maintain control. If your husband has one set of rules for himself and another for you, it's a red flag. This behavior creates an unfair power dynamic, where he can justify his actions while criticizing yours. The inconsistency in standards can make you feel like you're always in the wrong. It's important to address this behavior and establish equal rules and expectations in your relationship. In healthy relationships, both partners should be held to the same standards. When double standards are present, they create a sense of inequality and undermine trust. This tactic can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration, as you're constantly navigating an unfair playing field. Recognizing and addressing double standards is vital for maintaining a balanced and respectful relationship. Equality and mutual respect are essential components of a healthy partnership. 13. He Overreacts To Small Issues If your husband frequently overreacts to minor issues, it could be a manipulation tactic. By blowing things out of proportion, he creates a climate of anxiety and tension. This behavior keeps you on edge, always worried about triggering his next outburst. It can make daily life unpredictable and stressful, as you're constantly walking on eggshells. Over time, this can erode your confidence and make you doubt your ability to handle situations. Overreacting to small issues often serves to shift focus away from the real problems. It creates a diversion, allowing him to maintain control by keeping you preoccupied with minor conflicts. This tactic can leave you feeling like you're always in damage control mode, trying to prevent the next blow-up. In a healthy relationship, partners address issues calmly and rationally, without resorting to dramatic outbursts. Recognize when overreactions are being used as a form of manipulation and address the behavior. 14. His Behavior Is Inconsistent Inconsistent behavior can be a sign of manipulation, as it keeps you guessing and unsure of where you stand. If your husband is loving and attentive one moment and distant the next, it creates a cycle of unpredictability. This inconsistency can make you feel like you're always trying to earn his affection and approval. It can lead to feelings of insecurity and self-doubt, as you're never sure what to expect from him. This rollercoaster dynamic can be emotionally exhausting and damaging to your self-esteem. Inconsistency in behavior often serves to maintain control by keeping you off balance. When you're unsure of how he'll react, it makes it difficult to address issues or set boundaries. This tactic can create a sense of dependency, as you're constantly seeking reassurance and stability. Recognizing inconsistent behavior as a form of manipulation is crucial for maintaining your emotional well-being. Consistent and predictable behavior is a hallmark of a healthy relationship. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
10-07-2025
- Yahoo
15 Gaslighting Red Flags You Should Never Shrug Off
Gaslighting is one of those terms that's frequently used these days, but not always well understood. If you've ever felt like your reality is being questioned or your perceptions are constantly under attack, you might be experiencing it. It's a form of emotional manipulation that can leave you questioning your sanity and self-worth. To help you recognize the signs, here are 15 gaslighting red flags you shouldn't ignore. If someone regularly makes you doubt your recollection of events, you might be dealing with a gaslighter. They might say things like, "I never said that," or, "You're imagining things," even when you're certain about what happened. According to Dr. Robin Stern, co-founder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, this tactic can make victims question their own perceptions over time. When you start recording conversations or second-guessing yourself, it's a sign that something is off. This doesn't just erode your trust in your memory; it chips away at your confidence, too. It's their way of establishing control, making you reliant on their version of reality. Over time, you might find yourself agreeing with them just to keep the peace. Remember: your experiences and memories are valid, and you have the right to trust them. A gaslighter often dismisses your emotions, labeling them as overly dramatic or unjustified. They might say, "You're just too sensitive," or "Don't be so emotional," making you feel as if your feelings are a burden. This dismissal is designed to make you question your emotional responses. When your emotions are consistently invalidated, you might start to suppress them, fearing judgment or ridicule. This tactic is particularly harmful because it teaches you to ignore your inner voice. Your feelings are crucial indicators of your needs and boundaries. When someone downplays them, it's a way to exert control over how you perceive your emotional reality. Trust that your emotions are legitimate and deserve to be heard. Gaslighters often keep information from you, either by directly lying or by omitting critical details. This can leave you feeling confused and out of control because you're never quite sure what's going on. According to psychologist Dr. Deborah Tannen, this manipulative behavior aims to manipulate your perception of reality by keeping you in the dark. When you're constantly left guessing, it's a significant red flag. This tactic can make you overly dependent on the gaslighter for information, which gives them a sense of power. It creates an imbalance in the relationship where they control the narrative. Over time, you might notice you're always the last to know important information. Don't underestimate the impact of being purposefully kept in the dark—it's a calculated move to destabilize you. Always finding yourself at fault in the eyes of your partner or friend? You might be facing a gaslighter. They have a knack for twisting situations to ensure you end up holding the bag for any mishaps. It doesn't matter who did what; somehow, it's always your responsibility. This isn't just frustrating; it's a tactic to erode your self-esteem. If you're constantly apologizing, you might start believing you genuinely are at fault. This manipulation can make you overly apologetic and worried about making mistakes. Remember, a healthy relationship involves shared responsibility, not a one-sided blame game. Gaslighters have an uncanny ability to pinpoint your vulnerabilities and use them to their advantage. They might bring up old wounds or insecurities during arguments to throw you off balance. Research by Dr. Seth Meyers suggests that this approach is a deliberate attempt to undermine your confidence and make you more pliable. It's a calculated move to destabilize you emotionally. This tactic is particularly insidious because it takes advantage of your trust. You might have shared these insecurities in moments of vulnerability, believing they'd be respected. Instead, they're turned into weapons against you. Remember, you deserve relationships where your weaknesses aren't exploited but respected. Notice how somehow they always end up the victim, no matter the situation? This is a classic red flag of gaslighting. By positioning themselves as the aggrieved party, they can deflect responsibility and make you feel guilty for their misfortunes. It's a clever way of flipping the script to maintain control. This manipulative tactic can lead to a cycle of guilt and overcompensation on your part. You might find yourself apologizing to them even when you've done nothing wrong. Over time, this can shape the dynamics of your relationship into one where you're always the caregiver. Be aware of this pattern and remind yourself that you're not responsible for their constant victim narrative. When confronted with their actions, a gaslighter might flat-out deny what they did or said. It's not just about lying; it's about making you question your reality. A study by Dr. Elizabeth Loftus demonstrates how easily our memories can be influenced when consistently contradicted. This denial serves to confuse you and throw you off balance. Such behavior can lead you to doubt your own experiences and observations. It creates an environment where you feel you can't trust your perceptions. Over time, you might come to rely more on their version of events rather than your own. Stand firm in your truth; denial is just another tactic to control you. Gaslighters are master storytellers, often rewriting history to make themselves look good. They might recount past events with a spin that portrays them as the hero or the victim, regardless of the truth. This narrative-building is intended to manipulate how others view them and their actions. It's a subtle yet potent way to maintain control over the relationship dynamic. By constructing a version of the story that benefits them, they can sway your perception. This can make it difficult for you to discern fact from fiction, especially if others buy into their version of events. Over time, you might start to feel like you're living in a distorted reality. Trust your own assessment of situations, even if it contrasts with their polished narratives. One of the more manipulative red flags is isolating you from friends and family. They might criticize your loved ones or make you feel guilty for spending time with them. This isolation is meant to make you more reliant on them for emotional support. It's a way to cut you off from outside perspectives that might challenge their narrative. Being isolated can make you feel lonely and more dependent on the gaslighter. You might find yourself withdrawing from relationships that once brought you joy. This isn't just about control; it's about ensuring you don't have a support network to lean on. Resist this tactic by maintaining your connections with loved ones. Ever notice how their "jokes" often have a sting that feels just a bit too sharp? Gaslighters will frequently cloak criticism in humor, dismissing it as "just joking." This can make it difficult for you to call out their hurtful behavior without seeming overly sensitive. But a joke that belittles or undermines isn't funny—it's manipulative. These jokes are designed to undermine your confidence subtly. Over time, you might start to accept these comments as truths about yourself. You might even laugh along to avoid conflict, even though it's painful. Remember, humor in a healthy relationship should lift you up, not drag you down. When you try to address an issue, do they deftly change the subject? This is a tactic used to avoid responsibility. By deflecting the conversation, they evade accountability and leave you feeling unheard. It's a redirection strategy meant to keep you off balance. This can be particularly frustrating because it prevents constructive resolution of issues. You might find yourself repeatedly coming back to the same problems without ever making progress. Over time, this can make you feel helpless in the relationship. Stand firm and insist on addressing the issues at hand without getting sidetracked. Does it seem like every major decision somehow ends up being theirs? Gaslighters often exert control by dominating decision-making processes. This can range from mundane daily choices to significant life decisions. It's a way to assert dominance and ensure the relationship operates on their terms. This behavior can make you feel disempowered and sidelined. You might find yourself deferring to their judgment even when you have your own opinions. Over time, this can erode your sense of autonomy and self-worth. Remember, a healthy relationship is a partnership that respects both voices in decision-making. Gaslighters thrive in chaos, often instigating drama to keep you on edge. They might manufacture conflicts or blow minor issues out of proportion. This creates an environment where you're constantly stressed and focused on putting out fires rather than addressing underlying issues. It's a tactic to keep you preoccupied and destabilized. This chaotic environment can make it difficult for you to find emotional stability. You might find yourself constantly anxious, trying to anticipate the next issue. Over time, this can take a toll on your mental and emotional health. Seek to establish boundaries and prioritize your well-being over their chaos. In public, they might turn on the charm, making you question your perception of their behavior. This can make you feel confused or invalidated, especially when others see them as charismatic or kind. This facade is maintained to make you doubt your experiences and the validity of your concerns. It's a tactic to discredit your perspective. This can make you feel isolated as you struggle to reconcile these two sides of their personality. Others might not believe you when you describe your experiences, leaving you feeling unsupported. Over time, this can lead to self-doubt and confusion. Stay grounded in your reality; charm is not an indicator of character. If their actions rarely match their words, it's a significant red flag. They might promise change or express remorse without any follow-through. This inconsistency is designed to keep you hopeful yet unbalanced. It's a way to maintain control by never fully delivering on commitments. This behavior can leave you feeling confused and unsure about where you stand. You might find yourself clinging to their words while overlooking their actions. Over time, this can lead to disappointment and disillusionment. Trust actions over words; consistency is key in any relationship.
Japan Times
10-07-2025
- Politics
- Japan Times
Online dissent in China doesn't mean Xi is on his way out
Lately, a wave of speculation has emerged in Western media asking whether Chinese Communist Party (CCP) leader Xi Jinping is losing his grip. Faced with rising youth unemployment, elite disaffection and a deteriorating administrative apparatus, it's tempting to believe the Chinese leader is on the way out. But this narrative, while seductive, fundamentally misreads the evolving architecture of digital authoritarianism in China. What looks like volatility is often a carefully staged illusion. For those unfamiliar with China's digital ecology, a surge in online dissent might be taken as a sign of insecurity. But through the lens of internetwork society, this is precisely how power is maintained. Rather than crumbling, Xi Jinping's regime has grown more sophisticated — tightening its control through new instruments of emotional manipulation and algorithmic governance. The internet is not a battlefield between free voices and censors, but a state-engineered matrix of intersubjectivity — a shared sense of what can be thought, felt and done. The CCP doesn't just control what is seen; it shapes how people feel about what they see and how they believe others feel, too. Kevin J. O'Brien's 1996 theory of 'rightful resistance' still resonates — but the CCP has built pathways to reroute it. The result is a feedback loop: Digital advocacy exists not to contest power, but to strengthen the state's claim to moral authority. By allowing selective grievances to surface, the party presents itself as receptive. But the moment grievances become systemic or principle-based, they are erased. A striking example came on June 24 with the viral case of the 'Guangxi Girl.' A video posted on Douyin (Chinese TikTok) and widely reshared, showed a young woman from Guangxi province being abruptly seized and taken away in an ambulance. Her cries — 'I have hepatitis B!' — triggered a wave of online speculation that she was being forcibly hospitalized or worse. The comments discuss poverty, health and public distrust — all sensitive topics for the CCP. In Xi's China, online discussion of cases like Guangxi Girl's is allowed — until the focus shifts from interest to rights. The existence of such online content shows not the fragility of Xi's rule, but its sophistication. The debate was allowed, even as official media labeled the story 'fake news' and proclaimed that the original poster of the video had been punished. Viral protest in China is not a sign of regime collapse; it is part of a calculated cycle. Each act of censorship teaches not just what not to say, but what it means to remain safe, loyal and visible in the CCP's omnipresent gaze. We should resist projecting Western models of political turnover onto China's Leninist party-state. Xi hasn't just solidified his role; he has transformed the CCP's internal logic. Through ideological campaigns and loyalty purges, he's reshaped the CCP into a machine of 'centralized unity' — capable of absorbing dissent by converting it into reinforcement of the very power structure it critiques. This is not the brittle dictatorship of the past, but a resilient digital Leviathan, adaptable and emotionally literate. It's part of a sophisticated choreography that allows temporary outbursts of grievance, only to reassert party control through a spectacle of rescue or reprimand. The CCP no longer simply silences dissent; it manages, choreographs and deploys performance, visibility and emotional modulation to reinforce its own legitimacy. What really unfolds is an internetwork society, a digitally mediated governance regime in which state and society are deliberately interwoven. Citizens are invited to participate, but only within scripts set by the party. China's digital infrastructure has been weaponized not just to censor, but to shape how people feel about what they see. Through algorithmic modulation, emotional scripting and selective visibility, the party governs not only speech but intersubjectivity itself. The digital sphere in China scripts, simulates, and absorbs dissent, and its advocacy becomes a feedback loop, reinforcing the party's paternalistic frame rather than contesting its power. Xi's consolidation of power extends far beyond his 2018 abolition of presidential term limits. His ongoing anti-corruption campaign neutralizes rivals while presenting the party as self-correcting. His shift from 'zero-COVID' to zero dissent integrated public health infrastructure into ideological control. Every international flash point — from Taiwan to the South China Sea — becomes a catalyst for nationalism and a reaffirmation of Xi's authority. This is why it is misleading to view viral protests as proof of regime weakness. The 'Guanxi Girl' case and others like it do not signify cracks in the system. They show how deeply the CCP has embedded itself in the emotional logic of digital life. A key strategy in this matrix is the CCP's calculated distinction between public interest advocacy and public rights advocacy. My research examines how the CCP strategically differentiates between interest-based advocacy under party guidance and rights-based advocacy. The former — in the form of local corruption exposes, environmental complaints or rural poverty stories — is permitted, even encouraged, when it reinforces the CCP's role as paternal protector. Rights-based advocacy is different. It is inherited as the traditional practice of 'remonstrance for Dao,' which empowers the public to call for justice, constitutionalism or structural reform. Citizens are allowed to speak, but emotional expression is only permitted when it reinforces the CCP's paternal image. Structural critique is punished. This distinction defines the CCP's ideological survival strategy, which is central to how the CCP controls meaning in a digitally mediated society. By allowing selective public grievances to surface, the regime co-opts discontent. But by cracking down on those who invoke rights or systemic change, it prevents the emergence of an alternative intersubjective consensus. The goal is not total censorship, but emotional channeling: to let the people feel angry, as long as they feel that the state feels their anger too. The CCP steers public interest-based advocacy under guidance that legitimizes the party's role as both the cause of grievances and their remedy. Central to this process is Xi's concept of a 'public opinion struggle,' which revives and intensifies Jiang Zemin-era media control, embedding the CCP's power as the programmer and switcher of public discourse. The result is mass internalization of party ideology. Between 2008 and 2022, CCP membership swelled from 75.9 million to 96 million, according to the Council on Foreign Relations. Party identity has become embedded in social mobility, status and emotional allegiance. Xi's neologism-laden political doctrine isn't merely propaganda — it acts as code, programming discourse across platforms. Borrowing from Manuel Castells' network theory, Xi has become both the 'programmer' and 'switcher' of China's emotional and ideological infrastructure. Yes, China faces a legitimacy crisis. State capacity is declining, birth rates are falling and trust is eroding. But these crises are absorbed through dynamic repression — an intentional balance of visibility and vulnerability, proximity and purge, spotlight and suppression. The viral discussion of the 'Guangxi Girl' is not evidence of political fragility but rather an extension of the CCP's evolving digital governance strategy. These moments of protest are tolerated, choreographed and ultimately absorbed into the party's emotional and ideological feedback loop. The future of resistance lies in whether collective, political, structural rights-based advocacy can escape the scripted boundaries of interest-based appeals under CCP supervision. Until China's internetwork society is truly decolonized from state-directed norms of emotion and participation, viral dissent will remain a mirror that reflects party power — not a window to its downfall. China's digital public sphere is not disentangled from the party's ideological machinery and curatorial hand yet. So no, Xi Jinping isn't on his way out or about to fall. His power will not dissipate; the CCP's grip will not loosen, it will continue to adapt and metastasize. Xi is firmly embedded at the core of a system that has redefined how authoritarianism operates in the information age — through a blend of surveillance, sentiment management and strategic solidarity. He is the architect of a digital regime that doesn't just govern people; it governs how they feel about being governed. And as long as that emotional terrain of the internetwork society remains programmed and colonized by state-directed norms, the revolution will remain captured. Yujing Shentu is a writer and analyst with a background in policy analysis and economic strategy, focusing on digital politics, international political economy and U.S.-China strategic competition. © 2025,The Diplomat
