Latest news with #gaslighting
ABC News
4 days ago
- Health
- ABC News
Popular culture brought us the word gaslight. What is it and what are the keys to a healthy relationship?
Gaslighting is a word that shows up on reality television. "When you sat there and talked at her, it was gaslighting 101," expert John Aiken told groom Tim on season 12 of Married At First Sight. "You deflected. You blamed her for everything. You said she broke your trust. "You said that you were the most honest of the two of you and, ultimately, you made her feel like she was going crazy. TikTok psychologists use the term, as do others who post on the platform. You'll hear it used in film and scripted television. And if you go back far enough in time, you'll find that popular culture brought us the word. Robin Stern is a licensed psychoanalyst and the author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. "The term 'gaslight' comes from the 1938 play 'Gas Light' and the subsequent films, most famously the 1944 Hollywood version," Dr Stern said. "In the story, a husband systematically manipulates his wife into questioning her own sanity – one tactic involves dimming the gaslights in their home and denying it's happening when she notices. "It was a chilling portrayal of psychological control." Dr Stern says the word went on to become a common term in the lexicon. "Over time, 'gaslighting' evolved from a specific plot device to a widely used term for a form of emotional abuse in which someone causes another to doubt their perceptions, memories, or sense of reality," she said. "The popularisation of the term speaks to how many people recognised aspects of their own experiences in the story." But Dr Stern says the word is often misapplied. "Gaslighting is not just a conflict or lie — it's a sustained pattern of manipulation that erodes your trust in yourself. "When we overuse the term, we risk losing the depth and seriousness of what true gaslighting entails." Dr Stern says disagreements and even lying aren't necessarily gaslighting. "For gaslighting to be present, there must be an ongoing attempt to destabilise another person's reality," she said. "For instance, if someone forgets a conversation, that's not gaslighting. "But if they repeatedly deny conversations that did happen — or accuse you of imagining them to make you feel unstable — that's when it crosses the line." The short answer is yes. "Gaslighting has become a troubling feature of modern political life," Dr Stern says. "Leaders or institutions may deny facts, contradict previous statements, or manipulate language to sow doubt and confusion. "Political gaslighting erodes trust in institutions, the media, and even in one's own judgement. "It's especially dangerous because it can shape entire narratives, influence public opinion, and silence dissent." Dr Stern says gaslighting is a behaviour, not a clinical diagnosis. "It can be a tactic within personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder or part of coercive control in abusive relationships," she said. "I believe what matters is recognising the dynamics and damage of gaslighting, regardless of whether it has a clinical label. "Naming it gives people language to make sense of their experience, and that's powerful in itself. Kayla Steele is a postdoctoral research fellow and clinical psychologist at the UNSW School of Psychology, based at the Black Dog Institute. "Experiencing gaslighting often leads to a person experiencing significant emotional and psychological distress," Dr Steele says. "This is in part due to the erosion of trust that occurs, both within the relationship and within a person's sense of self and their ability to discern what is real and what is not." Dr Steele says people gaslight "to gain control or influence over other people and their experiences, perceptions and reality." She's outlined the following ways to identify gaslighting in an intimate relationship. Dr Steele says gaslighting can unfold in stages. "The stages of gaslighting generally involve initially feeling idealised by your partner, followed by a period of devaluation that can leave you feeling confused," Dr Steele says. "This may then cause you to doubt your own perception of reality, which can lead to the other person taking control of the situation or the relationship and the person being gaslit feeling helpless, dependent and powerless." Dr Steele encourages people to seek out help when recovering from being gaslit. "Talk to someone you trust about your concerns, such as your partner, a friend, family member or health professional such as a psychologist, therapist, or relationship counsellor," Dr Steele says. "When leaving an unhealthy relationship, it is important to prioritise strengthening our sense of self, including our self-worth, our trust in ourselves and our perception of reality, and to seek support from trusted friends and family. "Establishing healthy relationships with others can provide a safe landing place where we can have our concerns listened to and our emotions and experiences validated. "[It] can also help us rebuild our sense of self and our capacity to trust." Dr Steele says a healthy relationship has some key characteristics that include: Yes, it can. Dr Steele says it can be unintentional "if it is an unconscious denial of reality and not a conscious behaviour used to manipulate or control the other." Dr Stern has some great advice if you think that's you. "Recognising that you've engaged in gaslighting behaviour is a meaningful and courageous first step," Dr Stern says. "Take time to reflect on what was driving those actions — were you trying to control the narrative, avoid responsibility, cover up a lie, or simply struggling to manage something difficult? "Understanding your motives is essential to making meaningful change. "Take accountability for the harm you may have caused, but also recognise that those you've hurt may need space, time, or clear boundaries. "Real transformation begins with ownership, empathy, and a sustained commitment to doing better. "Just as important is developing emotional skills — learning to regulate your feelings, communicate honestly, and sit with discomfort without resorting to control. "Building those internal strategies is not only possible, but essential for healthier, more respectful relationships moving forward."
Forbes
24-05-2025
- General
- Forbes
3 Signs You're Mistaking Intensity For Love, By A Psychologist
'I was broken. I felt like a shell of a woman. Lonely and desperate.' These words come from a participant of a 2023 study published in Personal Relationships, which conducted in-depth qualitative interviews with 65 individuals who had survived emotionally manipulative romantic relationships marked by gaslighting. The study found that what often begins as intense emotional intimacy, through early love bombing, excessive validation and shared vulnerability, can gradually distort a person's sense of self. The most common consequence wasn't heartbreak. It was psychological disorientation, identity erosion and what researchers called a 'diminished sense of self.' 'I barely felt like a person anymore,' one participant explained. Intensity in relationships involves seeking out acute, high-stimulation feelings that often stem from fear, anxiety or a desire to escape emotional numbness, not from genuine connection. Here are three signs you are mistaking emotional intensity for passion and how to escape this damaging relationship pattern: Individuals in high-intensity relationships often report a persistent sense of emotional urgency, marked by constant preoccupation with their partner's moods, reactions or availability. This can include heightened anxiety during periods of distance, disproportionate relief during reunions and chronic self-monitoring during conversations. While these patterns are frequently misinterpreted as deep romantic investment, they may more accurately reflect emotional dependency. Survivors of emotional manipulation commonly describe becoming 'hooked' on their partner's approval, to the point where their sense of self becomes conditional on that validation. 'The start of the relationship was intense in terms of emotional intimacy. We shared many details of our emotions and traumas very early, some even on the first date,' shared one participant from the 2023 study. Another noted, 'At the beginning of the relationship, both parties were 'bending-over-backward' for each other.' Despite this emotional fixation, individuals in such dynamics often report not feeling emotionally understood. They may spend considerable time overanalyzing conversations, anticipating needs and trying to avoid missteps — yet still feel unseen or mischaracterized. The disconnect between their emotional effort and their partner's responsiveness frequently leads to confusion, self-blame and an intensified drive to repair or prove their worth. This cycle can reinforce dependency rather than connection. When emotional safety is inconsistent, we may learn to equate tension with passion. However, true intimacy cannot exist without consistency, safety and mutual vulnerability. In emotionally intense relationships, connection often seems strongest immediately after conflict. The dynamic may be marked by frequent ruptures, including arguments, silent treatment or emotional withdrawal, followed by sudden closeness, reconciliation or affection. The 'best' moments are often right after the worst ones, when the pain lifts and relief sets in. As one participant of the 2023 study explained, 'Arguments started for no reason, switching rapidly to being extremely affectionate and sexual.' In such dynamics, peace and stability may feel boring, wrong even. Over time, this cycle can create the illusion that conflict is the gateway to intimacy. Couples may mistakenly believe, 'This must be real, because it hurts this much.' Recent research supports this pattern. A 2025 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that individuals with high levels of love addiction, defined as compulsive emotional dependence on a partner, showed a significantly higher tolerance for gaslighting, particularly when two mediating factors were present: a strong sense of giving and diminished relationship power. Participants often rationalized emotional volatility as devotion and, over time, came to equate sacrifice with love. As their sense of agency declined, their acceptance of manipulation increased. In these relationships, emotional rupture becomes not just a byproduct of conflict, but the mechanism by which closeness is repeatedly reestablished. As a result, relational calm may trigger anxiety, and intensity may become the only recognizable marker of love. In emotionally intense relationships, demeaning behavior is often reframed as emotional honesty. Criticism is interpreted as truth-telling. Withdrawal is seen as a response to being 'hurt too deeply.' Over time, these patterns can create the illusion that volatility reflects depth — that if someone reacts strongly, they must care deeply. This confusion is common in emotionally abusive dynamics. A 2013 study published in Violence and Victims found that degradation — including humiliation, belittlement and personal attacks — was the most commonly reported form of severe emotional abuse. Researchers identified patterns of ridicule, emotional withdrawal and isolation, often co-occurring and reinforcing each other. These behaviors can be misread by victims as intensity or emotional complexity rather than as abuse. When relational safety is inconsistent, individuals may begin to mold themselves to avoid conflict, earn back affection or prevent further rupture. Over time, cruelty is no longer seen as harmful but as a signal that the relationship matters — that there is something meaningful worth chasing, especially when the relationship has been positioned as unique or transcendent by the other person. But relational depth is not defined by how deeply someone can wound you. It's defined by how they respond to your vulnerability, and whether they protect it or exploit it. Genuine emotional depth requires safety, mutuality and accountability. Cruelty masked as insight or framed as undeniable truth—is not a marker of connection. It is a distortion of it. If intensity is your default, it may be a trauma response — especially if you grew up associating pain, unpredictability or adrenaline with closeness. Intensity is not proof of real love; it's a cue to pause and examine our relational patterns. Breaking these patterns requires redefining what love actually feels like. Here are a few questions worth reflecting on: If you're already losing parts of yourself early in a relationship, it may be time to pause. Intensity is not passion when it's rooted in fear. Love, care, trust and respect don't require suffering to feel real. When self-trust is shaky, emotional extremes can become the only signals we know how to follow. Rebuilding that trust helps you stop chasing love that feels unstable, and start recognizing love that feels safe. Have you found yourself holding on to love, even when the cost is too high? Take this science-backed test to learn more about your relationship patterns: Love Addiction Inventory
The Independent
23-05-2025
- Health
- The Independent
Study reveals psychological impact of ghosting and gaslighting
Being ghosted or gaslit may trigger depression and paranoia among young people, a study has revealed. Ghosting is the act of cutting off all contact, while gaslighting is a term used when someone is made to question their perception of reality. The psychological effects and mental health toll of these actions in romantic relationships have now been studied by researchers at the University of Brighton and the University of Coimbra in Portugal. Researchers surveyed 544 adults aged 18 to 40 in the UK, to explore how these subtle but damaging behaviours - such as suddenly cutting off all contact, manipulating someone to question their own reality, or attempting to control a partner's routine - are connected to mental health issues like depression and paranoid thinking. 'The digital age has provided enormous opportunity for social connections but also comes with some risks. Ghosting, in particular, is almost exclusively enacted in online settings,' Professor Rusi Jaspal, co-author and Pro-Vice-Chancellor at the University of Brighton, said. 'As the use of social media and dating apps grows, so too does the risk of encountering harmful behaviours like ghosting, which our research links to poorer mental health outcomes.' The survey revealed there are clear links between these behaviours and poor mental health. Researchers found ghosting and coercive control were both linked to increased feelings of paranoia. Similarly, gaslighting was linked to symptoms of depression. Study authors accounted for people's age, income and personality traits like how sensitive they are to rejection and uncertainty - two traits researchers explain are also associated with poor mental health. Younger people and those with lower incomes were particularly at risk of experiencing poor mental health as a result of gaslighting or ghosting. Researchers suggested this added to the growing concern that dating app culture may be contributing to a mental health crisis. The study highlights how romantic relationships, even those that do not involve physical violence, can still affect mental wellbeing. Study authors concluded there is a need for effective psychological interventions that support victims of abusive relationship behaviours to cope with the 'distress' associated with gaslighting and ghosting. They hope that this could 'prevent the onset of depression and paranoid ideation'. Researchers suggested cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) could help individuals manage the distress associated with experiences like ghosting or gaslighting, by building resilience, self-esteem and coping strategies.
The Independent
22-05-2025
- Health
- The Independent
Ghosting and gaslighting could trigger depression and paranoia, study finds
Being ghosted or gaslit may trigger depression and paranoia among young people, a study has revealed. Ghosting is the act of cutting off all contact, while gaslighting is a term used when someone is made to question their perception of reality. The psychological effects and mental health toll of these actions in romantic relationships have now been studied by researchers at the University of Brighton and the University of Coimbra in Portugal. Researchers surveyed 544 adults aged 18 to 40 in the UK, to explore how these subtle but damaging behaviours - such as suddenly cutting off all contact, manipulating someone to question their own reality, or attempting to control a partner's routine - are connected to mental health issues like depression and paranoid thinking. 'The digital age has provided enormous opportunity for social connections but also comes with some risks. Ghosting, in particular, is almost exclusively enacted in online settings,' Professor Rusi Jaspal, co-author and Pro-Vice-Chancellor at the University of Brighton, said. 'As the use of social media and dating apps grows, so too does the risk of encountering harmful behaviours like ghosting, which our research links to poorer mental health outcomes.' The survey revealed there are clear links between these behaviours and poor mental health. Researchers found ghosting and coercive control were both linked to increased feelings of paranoia. Similarly, gaslighting was linked to symptoms of depression. Study authors accounted for people's age, income and personality traits like how sensitive they are to rejection and uncertainty - two traits researchers explain are also associated with poor mental health. Younger people and those with lower incomes were particularly at risk of experiencing poor mental health as a result of gaslighting or ghosting. Researchers suggested this added to the growing concern that dating app culture may be contributing to a mental health crisis. The study highlights how romantic relationships, even those that do not involve physical violence, can still affect mental wellbeing. Study authors concluded there is a need for effective psychological interventions that support victims of abusive relationship behaviours to cope with the 'distress' associated with gaslighting and ghosting. They hope that this could 'prevent the onset of depression and paranoid ideation'. Researchers suggested cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) could help individuals manage the distress associated with experiences like ghosting or gaslighting, by building resilience, self-esteem and coping strategies.
BBC News
22-05-2025
- Health
- BBC News
Brighton academics find ghosting and gaslighting cause depression
A study by university academics has concluded being ghosted or gaslit can cause depression and paranoia among young involves suddenly cutting off all contact, while gaslighting is the term applied when someone is made to question their perception of reality in order to control study was carried out by teams from the universities of Brighton in East Sussex and Coimbra in Rusi Jaspal, from the University of Brighton, said: "As the use of social media and dating apps grows, so too does the risk of encountering harmful behaviours." Prof Jaspal added: "The digital age has provided enormous opportunity for social connections but also comes with some risks. "Ghosting, in particular, is almost exclusively enacted in online settings."Younger adults, in particular, appear to be at greater risk and must be supported."The study attempted to explain why some people might behave in this way, concluding it could be to avoid suggested therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy could help those who have been affected. Need help? If you have been affected by this story the BBC Action Line web page features a list of organisations which are ready to provide support and advice.
