Latest news with #guilt
The Sun
29-05-2025
- General
- The Sun
My husband took his own life after I left him for first love – the guilt is unbearable
DEAR DEIDRE: I LEFT my husband for my childhood sweetheart – but now I'm living with a guilt that's tearing my new relationship apart. I'm 47, my husband was 52 and we were together for more than 20 years. We once had an amazing relationship but over time we grew apart and, while I cared for him deeply, the love faded. Around that time, I reconnected with my first boyfriend via Facebook. I've known him since primary school and it started as a friendly exchange — then old feelings resurfaced. We began seeing each other in secret but, eventually, I told my husband the truth and left him. He was devastated but I truly thought it would be the best thing for us both in the long run. A few months later, he took his own life. It shocked me to my core and the guilt has been unbearable. I blame myself every single day, and it's weighing me down. My childhood sweetheart has tried to be supportive but lately things between us have been strained. I cry often, snap at him and find it hard to be emotionally present in our relationship. As a result, he's started to distance himself from me. I feel torn between guilt, shame and deep sadness. I'm not sure I deserve happiness after what has happened. I want to fix my new relationship but I don't know how to move forward or even live with myself. Relationships, jealousy and envy DEIDRE SAYS: Losing your husband in such a tragic way is a deeply traumatic experience but it's important to remember it isn't your fault. Allow yourself to grieve for your husband and the relationship you had with him, as you move forward. Guilt forms a substantial part of grief no matter what the circumstances of the death, but particularly when suicide is involved. However, it doesn't make you responsible for what happened to your husband. You're Not Alone EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers. It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes. And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women. Yet it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now. That is why The Sun launched the You're Not Alone campaign. The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives. Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You're Not Alone. If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support: CALM, 0800 585 858 Heads Together, HUMEN Mind, 0300 123 3393 Papyrus, 0800 068 41 41 Samaritans, 116 123 Your partner may not fully understand the complexity of your emotions but it's essential to be open with him. Communicate the emotional turmoil you're facing and let him know that while you are struggling, you want to work through it together. It might be helpful to seek counselling to help you process the grief. Cruse Bereavement Care (0808 808 1677, provides specialised counselling. My support pack, Coping With Bereavement, will also help. THERE IS NO TRUST AS HE LIES ABOUT EVERYTHING DEAR DEIDRE: I'M at my wits' end with my lying boyfriend. I don't know what to do any more. I'm 34, he's 36 and we've been together for two years. He's recently been diagnosed with ADHD and while I try to be understanding, he's constantly telling fibs about everything. It's starting to feel like I'm being taken for a fool. He claims he can't afford to pay bills, even though he earns a decent salary. He tells me he's going to sleep but I catch him hours later still scrolling through his phone. He's also told me he's 'too busy' to do simple chores or help around the house, yet I find him wasting time playing video games. He's even lied about meeting friends, telling me he was going to one place only for me to later find out he was somewhere else. I love him but the constant dishonesty is making me question everything. DEIDRE SAYS: Living with ADHD can make timekeeping, organisation and even honesty difficult, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate constant lies. ADHD isn't an excuse for disrespect. Choose a calm and quiet moment to talk and set clear boundaries and let him know how his behaviour is affecting your trust. Focus on how you feel rather than what he's done wrong. Encourage him to seek support managing his ADHD. My support pack Neurodiversity Questions will help you. DEAR DEIDRE: MY grandson and his family live in squalor. It breaks my heart knowing I can't do anything to help. I'm his 75-year-old grandfather. He's 27 and has been living with his girlfriend and their three children – all under six – in awful conditions for months. Their flat is cold, damp and overcrowded. They're barely getting by. He's trying to find better work but is stuck in low-paid jobs, and they're falling further behind on bills every month. I'm a pensioner and don't have the money to help them out. It's heartbreaking to see the kids living like this, with no space to play and no stability. My grandson seems defeated and I'm scared he's giving up hope. I don't know what to do or where to turn but I can't just stand by and watch them live like this. Please help. DEIDRE SAYS: It's heartbreaking to see loved ones struggle, especially when you feel powerless. Your concern shows how deeply you care and while you may not be able to offer financial support, your emotional presence and support are just as valuable. Encourage your grandson to seek help at (0808 800 4444) or (0808 802 2000) who can offer advice on housing, finances and accessing emergency support. My support packs Solving Debt Problems and Help For Job Seekers, will provide useful resources and practical advice. I FEEL USED AND UNAPPRECIATED DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE been with my partner five years, but I feel more like a bank account than a boyfriend. The emotional connection we once had has completely disappeared, and I'm starting to feel like she only keeps me around to pay the bills. I'm 39, she's 36, and we have a three-year-old son together. She also has a daughter from a previous relationship, who I've always treated like my own. These days it's hard not to feel taken for granted. I pay for nearly everything – rent, bills, food – and get nothing in return emotionally or physically. Our sex life was never amazing, but at least before we were intimate occasionally. Since our son was born, she's refused to touch me at all. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she shuts me down or says she's too tired. I'm beginning to wonder if she's just with me for security. I love her but I feel unwanted and used. I'm becoming resentful, and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I miss affection, connection and just feeling close to her. Is there any way to fix this or have I just become a pay cheque in her eyes? DEIDRE SAYS: It's understandable that you're feeling used and unappreciated, especially when you're carrying the financial load and not receiving emotional or physical connection. Relationships require balance, and it's clear that you're not getting the support you need. You've already expressed your feelings, but if your partner continues to shut you down, you need to have a more serious conversation about your needs. Tell her calmly and clearly how you're feeling, avoid blaming her and instead focus on how the situation is affecting you and your relationship. My support pack Relationship MOT will help guide you on how to move forward together.
Irish Times
25-05-2025
- General
- Irish Times
‘I said awful things about a friend while drunk – and I'm panicking that she might have overheard'
Dear Roe, I recently was on a girls' trip with some close friends. One of the nights I stayed up late with one of the girls, while the others went to bed. The two of us ended up quite drunk and I said some really awful things about our friend who was asleep in the next room. I would consider it possibly friendship-ending things – personal things about her and her marriage and about how I found her annoying during the trip. When I woke up and sobered up I realised we were probably not as quiet as we thought we were being, and there was a possibility she could have heard me through the walls. I'm overwhelmed with guilt as what I said wasn't stuff I feel deep down, or stuff I would want, or need, to say to my friend directly. She is an amazing person and is also going through a hard time at the moment. I have no idea why I said these things other than it being alcohol-fuelled bitchiness. She never mentioned it the next day, but I also haven't heard from her since the trip, which isn't completely unusual but has sent me into a bit of a panic. She's not confrontational so I don't think she would bring it up if she did hear – but now I'm not sure if I should mention the potential elephant in the room and ask her if she heard, or if I should move on and hope she was fast asleep that night. I'm so nervous for the next time we talk or see each other. Help! (And yes, this taught me a lesson about drinking and gossiping!) I don't answer too many friendship questions in the column but I think this one is helpful to address because in all types of relationships, we can catch ourselves taking other people for granted, speaking about them unkindly, and being a subpar version of ourselves. When we transgress, when we hurt other people, when we disrespect other people – whether they're aware of our transgression or not – it gives us an opportunity to reflect on our ideal version of ourselves and our relationships; the reality of how we are individually and in relationship with others; and doing the work to bridge that gap wherever possible. [ 'My ex blanks me at group events – and my family and friends make excuses for him' Opens in new window ] You've already started doing the work, and that's important. It takes courage – the uncomfortable, self-confronting type of courage – to do what you're doing right now; to look clearly at your behaviour without excuses or sugarcoating and admit to yourself that you failed yourself, and you failed someone you care about. It's the first step in becoming a better friend and person, so well done on taking it. READ MORE The next part of this journey is asking yourself how you got here, and what led to you saying friendship-ending things in the dark. Think about what made you say these things – not just thinking about the content of what you said, but what was behind it. Have you been feeling stretched thin in this friendship, trying to support someone who's going through a hard time while quietly carrying your own overwhelm? Is it possible you've been feeling unacknowledged, or maybe even a little envious of her ability to be vulnerable and take up space in ways that you haven't allowed yourself to? Sometimes, when someone is in crisis, we rally around them – but a quieter part of us resents that rally. Not because we don't love them, but because we haven't checked in with our own needs in the process. Or perhaps, if you're honest, a darker feeling crept in: a sense of relief that it's not you who's struggling, a flash of superiority or detachment – the kind we're often ashamed to name, but which live in all of us, particularly when we're tired, insecure or lonely. Judgment is after all, a well-worn shield for those exact feelings. If your gut won't let you rest, then honesty might be the path to peace. You don't have to spill every detail And what about beyond her? Have you been stressed? Unanchored? A little disconnected from yourself and others lately? When we gossip, it's often less about the person we're discussing and more about our own longing for closeness, control or a moment of power if we feel powerless in other parts of our lives. Did you find yourself falling into that old, seductive rhythm of saying something cutting to cement a bond with the person next to you? Have you done that before and if so, why? Is it discomfort with silence? A need to feel interesting or valuable? Do you worry that your presence alone isn't enough unless you're offering something sharp-edged, something that entertains? These aren't easy questions. They're not supposed to be. But they are fertile ground for growth. And if you're willing to answer them – really answer them – then you will walk away from this moment not diminished by it, but transformed by it. Now, let's turn to your friend, and what you can do. If you genuinely value her, there are a few paths forward. One option is to quietly commit to change. Support her more fully. Show her you appreciate her through actions, not just words. Let this moment be a reminder that you have the capacity to undermine the very relationships you hold dear and that you need to watch that impulse – but also remember that you also have the power to choose differently. But if your gut won't let you rest, then honesty might be the path to peace. You don't have to spill every detail. But you can say something like 'I've been reflecting since the trip and realised that lately, I've been operating from a place of stress and insecurity. I caught myself making comments about people – including you – that were unkind, unnecessary and not at all reflective of how I truly feel. I'm ashamed of that, and I'm working on the deeper reasons behind it. Whether or not you heard anything, I wanted to tell you because I care about you, and I don't want to be someone who talks about their friends like that. I'm sorry. And if you ever catch me doing it again about anyone, call me out.' Or if you want to deep dive into transparency, you could say something like 'I love you, and I need to tell you something hard. One night on the trip, I said some judgmental things about you that I deeply regret. They came from a messy, unkind place in me – not from the truth of how I feel about you, which is full of love and admiration. Whether or not you heard them, I needed to say I'm sorry. I'm working on myself so I never put our friendship in that position again.' [ 'My friend of 14 years has retreated from my life – should I keep chasing them?' Opens in new window ] Whatever you choose, do it fully and wholeheartedly. If you reveal you spoke about her and she didn't already know, she may be hurt or angry at the revelation and there may be an impact on your friendship in the short or long-term. But on the other hand, if she does know and you don't say anything, you may be letting some deep damage become irreparable through silence and inaction. At least by leading with honesty rather than cowardice, you create the possibility for a friendship with much more trust, honesty and mutual respect that may be even deeper than before. Think about who you want to be, and commit to a course of action that feels right. The feelings you are carrying right now aren't just guilt or anxiety that you betrayed a friend – they're a sign that you have betrayed yourself. Addressing this situation is an opportunity to become more aligned, more self-aware, and more intentional in your relationships. One mistake, even a sharp and painful one, does not define your worth as a friend. But how you meet the moment after the mistake? That's where your character truly lives. Befriend it. .form-group {width:100% !important;}
Independent Singapore
22-05-2025
- Business
- Independent Singapore
'Is it wrong to want more of your parents' inheritance?' Man asks and wonders if anyone else has felt the same
SINGAPORE: A man took to Reddit on Wednesday (May 21) to ask if it's wrong to secretly want a larger share of his parents' inheritance, even as he grapples with feelings of guilt over receiving any money from them at all. In his post, the man shared that he has recently begun helping his ageing parents manage their finances and plan for retirement, including looking into CPF Life schemes. However, this process has stirred up conflicting emotions. 'A part of me feels wrong. I feel wrong that I would get money from them. Don't get me wrong, at first I was like holy smokes I'll be getting this much money!?!? Some more + CPF?! But the more I think about it, I feel… guilty?' he wrote. 'I don't feel like I've earned this money. Like, why? Just because I was the product of their genetic material, do I get all their assets? I get it from their point of view, you would want your assets to go somewhere useful. But I just feel so guilty even thinking about the money I'll get. I know that I'll cry and grieve when they pass, that this money wouldn't even make me happy over my grief. Instead, it would just make me feel so guilty.' What troubles him more is the quiet, internal voice that wishes for a larger share of the inheritance compared to his sibling. 'Instead of 50/50 with my sibling, I feel like I would want more. Is it normal? I feel like it's normal, like who wouldn't want more money, right?' he said. He reasoned that he had been the one actively involved in managing their financial matters. He had taken the initiative to understand their retirement plans, insurance policies, and CPF accounts. He was the one helping them think long-term and solve issues. In contrast, his sibling was not very involved and had a history of being less careful with money. This made him wonder if his greater effort should be recognised. Not out of greed, but because he felt he would use the money more wisely and responsibly. He added, 'When I think about it, I'm like […] 10% extra is so much and would be so useful to me. Then the guilt thoughts set in. I'm not hoping for them to pass quicker. I'll be devastated. Of course, I want the money, but at the same time, I feel guilty that I want a larger piece of it. A part of me wants to bring them to overseas trips while I still have them, but a part of me doesn't want to get so attached cause it'll leave me more devastated when they eventually pass.' He ended his post by asking others if they had ever felt this kind of emotional conflict. 'How did you guys deal with getting your parents' inheritance? Does my dilemma of bringing parents overseas vs not getting too attached to them make sense? If I read it back to myself, it sounds so stupid, like, bro, just make what memories you can with them and you'll probably regret it in the future that you didn't, but my feelings are just afraid. Indifferent?' 'Earn your own living. Any inheritance you get is a bonus.' In the thread, a lot of people shared their thoughts, and most seemed to agree on one thing: inheritance shouldn't be something you expect or feel entitled to. One individual said, 'It's not your money in the first place. Your parents should enjoy themselves first; they have worked hard for their money. You need to look after them and stop thinking of yourself. Anything you get is a bonus, but you should get them to enjoy their sunset years.' Another wrote, 'Your post is very contradictory. You feel guilty about taking the money. Yet you hope to get more of it. I've seen families arguing over inheritance. Money just screws up people's psychology, and exposes their true colours. See also Hri Kumar closes half the loop My advice is to focus on being able to take care of your own life and earn your own living. Spend time with your family and loved ones. Any inheritance you get is a bonus.' A third added, 'None of the money is yours to think about. Retirement planning should be just that — helping them plan adequately for their retirement and encouraging them to splurge on themselves if they have excess funds.' In other news, a Singaporean man shared on social media that despite finally landing a well-paying job with decent working conditions, he continues to feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness and disconnection from his career. In a post on the r/askSingapore forum, he reflected on his past work experiences, explaining that he had never managed to stay in one job for very long. For years, he believed it was simply because none of the roles were the right fit, comparing the process to searching for a life partner — something he hoped to eventually find and 'commit to for the long term.' Read more: Singaporean asks why he still feels 'empty' despite having a well-paying job with decent working conditions Featured image by Depositphotos (for illustration purposes only)
Daily Mail
22-05-2025
- Health
- Daily Mail
The sexiest time in a woman's life? Pregnancy! TRACEY COX reveals why women's libido skyrockets when expecting... and why many feel so guilty about it
Society paints motherhood as an innocent time for couples – but that couldn't be further from the truth for some women. Lots say they've never felt so desperate to have sex than when they were pregnant. Soaring hormones and sensitive breasts and genitals is a potent combination, making some women feel insatiable – and enjoy sex more than they ever have. Good news, right? Not so fast. While some women embrace this (often unexpected) bonus with glee, others feel flooded with guilt for feeling distinctly unmotherly. As one woman put it, 'You're supposed to be looking at prams online, not porn'. Why DO women feel guilty? Some cultures or backgrounds see pregnancy as a pure maternal state. It's meant to be all about the baby, not the woman. Daring to feel desire makes you selfish: it's 'inappropriate'. Even though doctors and gynaecologists reassure women that having sex won't harm the baby (so long as the pregnancy is progressing normally and there are no complications) lots still fear it will dislodge the foetus or cause a miscarriage. Their pleasure could cost them the baby. The leap from 'lover' to 'mother' – especially if it's your first child – isn't easy. Mothers are perceived as saint-like: selfless beings whose prime purpose is to care for a child. Single or childless women are allowed to feel frisky and have wild, wanton sex but mothers? Not so much. This is why having a high sex drive during pregnancy is hidden rather than talked about. And the reason why the two women I spoke to feel guilt rather than enjoying what could be the best sex of their lives. Amanda is 34-years-old and 31 weeks pregnant with her second child. She's been with her partner for five years. 'It didn't happen the first time, but this time around my sex drive is in overdrive. 'I already had a strong libido, but this is ridiculous. I want sex every day and if I can't have it, I masturbate twice a day at least. 'Every chance I get I'm at it with my husband, multiple times a day. I'm insatiable – I feel like I'm going to combust. Even when I sleep, all my dreams are about sex. 'I was loving it until I opened my mouth and told my young Mum group that I couldn't get enough sex right now. Only one woman nodded enthusiastically and said, 'Me too!'. 'This was followed by a stony silence and I knew revealing this wasn't going to make me popular. 'Most of them looked away and down at the floor, another looked angry, and one woman even rolled her eyes. Like, 'Of course she does', like I was some kind of s**t. 'A few of them really battled with being pregnant and didn't have a good time of it. They complained of feeling constantly exhausted and feeling sick all the time. I guess me bouncing in all happy and energetic was a slap in the face. 'The few comments that followed were, "Live it up now because we all know sex stops once there's a newborn in the house." 'Which is kind of true, though after the first baby and three months of parenting hell, my partner and I did resume sex enthusiastically again. The whole experience left me feeling punished for daring to feel sexual during this 'sacred' time. 'My partner's certainly not complaining though. It's been good for our sex life because you're forced to try new and different ways of getting it on. 'During the last pregnancy, when my tummy got big, we had to think outside the box of how to have intercourse (doggie is best) and comfortable positions for him to give me oral sex. 'I was never a fan of oral sex pre pregnancy, but I love it while pregnant because my clitoris is so sensitive. 'Pregnancy forums are full of chats with woman saying how horny they are while pregnant but that's because they're anonymous. You're supposed to be browsing Mothercare not watching porn online. 'Very few women will come out and admit it in public – probably because they're aware the ones who are avoiding sex like the plague don't want them to give their husbands any encouragement.' Why do I feel more like sex while pregnant? It's not you: sex can be better during pregnancy. Here's why: You're high on hormones Pregnancy causes a surge in oestrogen and progesterone to support the baby which can increase the drive for sex for some women. Physical changes Increased blood flow to the pelvic area can heighten sensitivity and arousal, making sex feel more pleasurable. Orgasms often feel deeper and more intense. If you've had problems climaxing before, you're in for a pleasant surprise: orgasms can be easier to achieve and happen more frequently. The vaginal canal is more lubricated which means sex is more comfortable. Emotional shifts Some women hate being pregnant, experience negative side-effects and feel sick and uncomfortable the whole way through. Others have the opposite experience – their skin and hair glow and they feel more connected to their body. The experience of creating life can be empowering, making some women feel more sensual than usual. So can looking curvy and feminine. The bond with your partner is enhanced: you're created a child together. How clever are you and how romantic is that! Don't panic if this isn't happening to you Not all women feel this way. It's as common for your sex drive to disappear completely as it is for it to increase. Sinead, 36, is five months pregnant and has been married eight years. 'My libido has gone from very low to off the charts during this pregnancy. 'I'm quite a shy person and unadventurous in bed. But my fantasies now are dark: they revolve around things like me being tied up and whipped or having sex with lots of men at once. I've never desired that sort of sex before. 'I haven't told my husband I'm abnormally aroused because we don't talk about sex even though I long to share this with him. 'It's ironic that the one time I feel sexual, I don't look sexy at all. I feel so unattractive because I've gained a lot of weight. The result is I'm constantly in a state of sexual frustration. 'I can tell my husband is trying not to show how grossed out he is by how much my body has changed, but he's not touched me sexually since the weight piled on. 'I'm satisfying myself by masturbating but feel disgusted with myself and embarrassed that I have these primal needs. I feel ugly and hideous a lot of the time. 'When my friends get pregnant, their husbands seemed more loving and adoring but mine isn't. He had a bad childhood – his father used to hit him and his mother - and I don't think he is coping well with the thought of being a father himself. 'He eyes up my belly with a disapproving expression on his face. I don't think he meant it in a negative way but he described feeling our baby move under my skin as "freaky and disgusting". He never wants to put his hand on my stomach to feel it kick. 'He says things like, "When this is all over…", like pregnancy is something be endured not enjoyed. 'It's such a shame because our sex life isn't great, and this could have really changed things. But my body image issues and his negativity about the whole experience put paid to that.' What men really think of sex during pregnancy Here's what six men told me when I asked what they thought of pregnancy sex: 'I think pregnant women are enormously sexy. I love their swollen breasts and belly. It makes a woman even more of a woman. I find watching women breast feed incredibly erotic as well – though that's something I tend to keep to myself!' 'She's never looked more beautiful – her skin, her hair, everything. She even smells different: I don't know what it is but it makes me feel aroused. Her vagina has changed as well. The feel and how I fit inside it. The big boobs thing is nice when she doesn't have much normally.' 'I felt incredibly protective over my son-to-be. The child took over the needs of my wife, who was well up for continuing sex right until the end. She wasn't happy about that, and she said it made her feel like she was already not being a 'good mum' for wanting sex when I thought it might harm the baby.' 'My sex drive evaporated the minute she said she was pregnant. The thought of putting my penis inside her was impossible. I imagined it squashing the tiny baby, banging its head about. I have never felt less like sex.' 'She's five months gone and the whole thing is stressing me out. I think it's because I'm not sure I want a child. My father was a terrible father and I'm lying awake at night worrying I will end up like him.' 'I would only say this anonymously, but I don't love the whole pregnant body vibe. I don't find it attractive. It feels like her body has been taken over by something and no longer for my pleasure. It doesn't mean I don't love her or think she's cute waddling about. But sexually it just didn't do it for me. She used to wear tiny little thongs and now her knickers are huge. It's off-putting.'
Times
19-05-2025
- General
- Times
Parental guilt: the topic mothers often want to talk to me about
I speak to dozens of parents each week as part of my job as a motherhood coach. Some women ask how they can feel less resentment towards their partners, others want to discuss careers, but there's one topic that comes up time and time again: guilt. Many mothers feel guilty every day. Shame, spirals, inner critic rants, comparisons and doubt. Hours of questioning whether you're doing enough, being enough. It's no wonder many of us feel exhausted. I know those feelings well. I used to spend most days with a third child on my hip, not an actual child (I have two real ones, aged five and nine). I'm talking about guilt. The guilt of not enjoying every moment. The guilt of working. Of not
