Latest news with #guilt
The Sun
3 days ago
- Entertainment
- The Sun
I cheated on lovely boyfriend with handsome guy on holiday after drunken game of spin the bottle… should I be honest?
DEAR DEIDRE: A DRUNKEN game of spin the bottle got out of hand and now I'm eaten up with guilt for cheating on my lovely boyfriend. Worse still, all my family know what I got up to. I'm a 21-year-old woman and went on holiday to Cyprus with my cousin and her family. While we were there I met her best male friend, who was also on holiday. He is 24 and I fancied him when I'd met him before — and he was just as gorgeous as ever. Thoughts of my boyfriend quickly melted into the background. After a beach day, we all had a night out drinking cocktails, then headed back to our villa. Soon after the parents had gone to bed, we all started playing drinking games. As a dare I ended up sharing a kiss with him, but nothing more. The next day he came over for dinner. When he arrived, he winked and smiled at me, and I just smiled back, although my heart was racing. We had another fun night but this time we played spin the bottle and the forfeits became more sexual. When the bottle spun round to me and then him, he led me by the hand to my bedroom where we had the most amazing sex. Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it The next morning I felt terrible. We left that day and when we landed back in the UK, I felt terrible. All I could think about was my boyfriend, who is 23. He trusts me even though he has been hurt in previous relationships. If I tell my boyfriend what happened I know I risk him ending our relationship. My cousin's best friend has definitely got feelings for me. I keep wondering whether it would work if we got into a relationship. DEIDRE SAYS: You may want to clear your conscience by confessing to everything, but you would hurt him enormously and possibly cause the break-up of your relationship. Be honest with yourself, would you realistically share more than great sex with your cousin's friend? He may just have been enjoying a fun holiday fling. You have to make up your mind. If you have doubts about your boyfriend then do the honest thing and explain that your heart isn't in the relationship any longer. Then leave a month or so for the dust to settle before even thinking about getting together with the new guy. My support pack, Torn Between Two Men, will help you to think this through. SO NERVOUS SINCE SON'S BIRTH DEAR DEIDRE: MY son's birth eight months ago has turned me into a nervous wreck. I love him dearly and I am so proud of him, but I worry all the time. I'm 27 and my partner's 25. We've been together for four years. Ever since my partner found out she was pregnant I started to worry. I became very protective of her and worried when she went out by herself in case something happened to her such as tripping over or someone accidentally bumping into her. My partner breezed through her pregnancy and had a relatively easy birth but ever since our son came along I can't help but think about the worst case scenario. The worst is if he cries for no reason. Thankfully my partner is coping much better than me and doesn't worry like I do. I'm a big bag of nerves most of the time. DEIDRE SAYS: Becoming a dad for the first time can produce a whole range of emotions but it is important to be kind to yourself. It is understandable that you are anxious but being a parent doesn't come easily to anyone. Remember that babies cry because it is the only way they can communicate. Once your son learns to talk, he can tell you why he is unhappy. Talking to other dads who have been through similar worries may help you. Visit the website My support pack Help For Stress has lots of advice. I CAN ONLY HAVE SEX ONCE DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER having sex, I can't get another erection for a good few hours. Is there something wrong? I am 28 and my wife is 25. We only married four months ago and we're in our honeymoon period, but I have to wait a long time to get aroused again. We have a very active sex life now but for cultural and religious reasons we didn't have sex before marriage. I love my wife dearly and want to please her sexually every time. Everything is fine the first time round, and even though I still feel turned on, my erection just doesn't show. It is embarrassing. I can't help wondering if my wife is becoming disappointed when I can't perform for a second time, even though she hasn't mentioned anything so far. This is not what I thought or imagined our sex life would be like once we were married. What is wrong with me? DEIDRE SAYS: Please don't worry about only being able to have sex once with your wife. There is always a space of time after a man climaxes before he's able to get another erection. It's called the refractory period, and it differs for everyone. You may even notice that your individual refractory period varies from session to session. If you are worried about how long it takes you to reach or recover from orgasm, talk to your doctor who will be able to reassure you. EMOTIONAL AFFAIR WILL DISTRESS WIFE DEAR DEIDRE: IF it wasn't for the fact that we have a big family holiday coming up soon, I would have told my wife I have met someone else. Instead, I have to wait until the end of the summer. I am 37 and my wife is 35. We have been married for nine years and have a four-year-old son. I don't feel the same about my wife any more. She suffers from depression, which hasn't helped our relationship. She can't help being unwell so there is no blame. She is receiving help through her doctor for her mental health. I have never cheated on my wife, but I have met another woman through work. It's an emotional affair as I'd never cheat while married, so all we do is talk. But I enjoy her company and see a future with her, and she says she feels the same way about me. I am going to give my son the holiday he deserves and then I will tell my wife our marriage is over. I know it will be distressing for her, but I can't go on living a lie. She deserves better than that. Is it wrong to want to be happy even though in the process I will upset the two people who mean the most to me? I don't feel I have a choice if I want a shot at happiness. DEIDRE SAYS: Depression is a mental health disorder that can have lasting effects on any relationship. Before you end your marriage, make sure it will be the right thing for both of you – and stick to your resolve. Your wife will understandably be devastated so you must tread carefully, ending it as kindly as you can with minimum damage to your son. Ask her to come for counselling with you because while it may not be possible to save your relationship it can reduce the pain. Contact Tavistock Relationships ( 020 7380 1975). My support pack Ending A Relationship will help too.
The Sun
4 days ago
- The Sun
We ignored model's harrowing screams as she was raped and murdered on our street – we live with the guilt every day
WHEN we're sitting in our homes and we hear noises from out on our street, our first thought is often to look past them. But for guilt-racked neighbours in one leafy suburb in south London, they will never be able to ignore anything they hear in their street again. 18 On one fateful September night in 2005, residents of Blenheim Crescent in Croydon heard a flurry of high-pitched noises. Some believed it was a family of foxes. Others begrudgingly tutted at what they thought was a group of teenagers larking about. But the reality was far worse. Unbeknown to them, these were the last desperate breaths of teenage model Sally Anne Bowman, moments before she was raped and murdered just metres from her home in the early hours. Sally Anne was discovered by a neighbour at around 6am, roughly two hours after she was brutally slain by sick rapist Mark Dixie, who stabbed her seven times in the neck and stomach. She attended the nearby Brit School for Performing Arts and Technology in Croydon - which boasts a string of famous former pupils, including Adele and Amy Winehouse. Now, almost twenty years on, her neighbours have spoken of their guilt after they unknowingly ignored her cries for help. Ernest Mugadza said that he was still 'racked with guilt' after failing to investigate when he heard Sally Anne's harrowing screams. The 71-year-old retired defence lawyer told The Sun: 'I think some of us feel guilty that we didn't come and help this girl. 'I think we've become closer as a community because of the guilt, because we heard the sounds and we heard this woman cry. 'Yeah, I remember hearing the screams like it was yesterday. "But we didn't come out. And that's the guilt that I still feel even now. 'No, if I'd come out, I'm sure the guy would have stopped. "If I'd come out and said, come on, stop that, you know what I mean? 'I know that police always tell you not to intervene, but I should have at least made a noise, scared him away at least. 'You can't save your own life to let another one die. I think you should come out. And now I do. 'Now I come out as soon as I hear anything. I come straight out.' Racked with guilt Sally Anne had been dropped off by her ex-boyfriend, Lewis Sproston, after a night out in Croydon with her sister and some pals on September 25. But the 18-year-old had fallen out with Lewis, sparking a row between the pair as he drove her back. She was just metres from her family home when she was brutally slain at around 4am. As the last person to see Sally Anne alive, it initially led cops to believe that it was her 20-year-old former lover who had killed her. One of Ernest's neighbour added: "Sally Anne was just with her boyfriend beforehand and he left her, what, 50 yards from home? "A lot of people heard sort of like shouting and screaming back then, but thought it was just partying. "Since then, whenever we hear anything, we look out and our light goes on. I tend to go out. "People who have lived here long enough will go to their windows to check too. "Even now, I will walk my daughter's friends down the road to their front doors." 18 18 18 But plasterer Lewis was cleared of any involvement through DNA evidence after being held for four days. With the prime suspect ruled out, and in a desperate hunt for Sally Anne's killer, cops launched one of the largest drives for DNA samples the UK had seen. Horrifying discovery The part-time hairdresser was stabbed seven times, with bite marks discovered on her neck, breast and cheek. Her lifeless body was discovered a couple of hours later by a horrified neighbour, who initially believed she had stumbled across a mannequin. Speaking on the horrifying discovery, one local said: "The woman who found the body was taking a cup of tea to her mother. "That was early in the morning and she found Sally Anne behind the skip. "I think she thought it was a mannequin when she just saw the legs or something behind the skip. "And she'd only sort of briefly seen it when she went past on the way to her mother's place." "I think that severely affected her. She was definitely affected by it." DNA screening After her death, the road to catching Sally Anne's killer actually started eight months later, after an England football match. On June 15 2006, chef Mark Dixie was involved in a bar fight and arrested for a minor assault. It was following this incident that Dixie was made to give a saliva sample at the police station. Prior to this, he had not been approached to give DNA. His sample was collected and compared to that found at the crime scene in Blenheim Crescent. And on June 28, Dixie was arrested. It meant that Sally Anne's murderer had finally been caught, with traces of his semen attaching him to the crime. But question marks over the circumstances still remained. While traces of his DNA had been discovered, he denied murdering her. 18 18 At his trial, he shamelessly claimed he had "taken advantage of the situation" by having sex with her dead body. Residents in the crescent remember the heavy police presence in the area in the weeks after the murder. One local said: "The next day I had to go to work. I always remember going to work and the whole street was cordoned off. "The closed the road off for weeks and everybody was just shocked. "It went on for months. No one knew who it was. They initially thought it was the ex-boyfriend and he got done. "When it first happened they were DNA testing everybody. All the males along the road. "I remember being in the shower and the police coming round to ask. "They told my wife they were checking the DNA of everyone in the area. It was weird, something like that happening on your doorstep." Another neighbour continued: "I was in the front room on the Sunday morning when we got a knock on the door from the police. "They were testing males and looking at age brackets and stuff like that. "A lot of people went through it, but to me it was a shock how long it took to get there. "I remember asking the officer if it was serious. "He told me that it was probably the most serious it could get." Lengthy wait for justice It took a fortnight for Dixie's DNA to finally be added to the national database. 18 18 18 In February 2008, Dixie finally stood trial at the Old Bailey. He was handed a life sentence, with a minimum of 34 years. His shocking past only came to light in the years after his conviction. In 2017, Dixie admitted to cops that he had attacked two other women previously. His shocking crimes included raping a woman in her car in Croydon and molesting another woman near a railway bridge in 2002. The serial predator was also deported from Australia in 1999 after attempting to rape a woman when he jumped out of a bush naked. But when he arrived back to the UK, cops received no warnings or information about Dixie's crimes Down Under. Speaking on the killer after his 2008 conviction, Det Supt Stuart Cundy said Dixie was "bad, not mad". Mr Cundy added: "There is a lot we don't know about Mark Dixie. "A lot of friends describe him as a normal person. "As far as we know Mark Dixie has kept his history secret from just about everyone." Impact on residents today Blenheim Crescent resident Debbie Dowd, 65, explained that the horrific murder would always live with her. The customer service agent said: "Yeah, I'll always remember it. "It's heartbreaking. And you always think of her, I always think of her. "Everyone in the crescent felt the shock. This is such a small crescent, but so much has happened. "It was just horrific... you know. It was sad, because her boyfriend was obviously the number one suspect at the time. "But as far as the community was, I think the Crescent had started changing then anyway. "I mean, we did know lots of people and we did talk to them and everyone used to talk to each other. "I don't know, community-wise. I don't know if it made people more fearful." Others told how they are still "scared at night" in the aftermath of Sally Anne's murder. They said: "We don't feel unsafe because it was such a one-off event. But it was just so traumatic. 18 18 "So the first thing I did when I moved in was cut my hedge because it was really tall. I cut it so there would be more visibility. "At the time, I remember feeling a sense of fear and being scared at night. And I still think I have it to this day. "When I catch an Uber I will often say to the Uber driver, can you wait until I get in? "Or the taxi driver, I'll say, can you please wait until I open the door and get in? "If I'm coming on my own, I'll sort of do a mental check and I'll look to make sure that it's safe. "I'll have the right key ready to quickly open my door." Stronger community Residents also explained that a Neighbourhood Watch has been set up in the area, which has helped improve the community feel in the crescent. One local added: "There is a local residents watch kind of thing. "I think, since that incident, it is reassuring. I think there have been a couple of instances when you hear noise in the street. "Everybody in the street is so aware. So, you know, everyone will call the police. "Everybody's phoning the police, everybody will switch on their lights and start looking out in the street. "Sometimes people will come out just to check and make sure that nothing untoward is happening. "It's a lovely thing because you could almost say that's her legacy in a way, that this community has become so strong and so close-knit. "Everyone is so desperate to look out for each other and make sure that nothing is going on. "It's certainly not anyone's fault on this street for what happened to her. But there is a slight sense of regret. "It's hard not to think what might have been different if we had gone out." 18 18
Forbes
22-07-2025
- General
- Forbes
Why You Feel Guilty For Not Working On Vacation
When you normalize real time off, you model something healthier. You finally take a break. You turn on your out-of-office message, log out of your inbox and set your phone to silent. But within a day, something creeps in. You think about the project you left unfinished. You wonder if your team is struggling. You feel a quiet pull to check in. Not because you have to. Because you feel like you should. This is the guilt of not working on vacation. It is common. It is subtle. And for many high performers, it is relentless. Even when you have earned the time away, even when nothing is expected of you, the absence of work creates its own kind of tension. That tension is not about laziness. It is about identity. It is about pressure. And it is about how deeply we have internalized the idea that rest must be justified. Work Is No Longer a Place In the past, vacation meant leaving work physically behind. When you were out of the office, you were unreachable. The only connection to your job was a voicemail message and maybe a fax machine. Work ended at a door. Now, work travels with you. It lives in your pocket. It pings your screen. It follows you to the beach and the dinner table and the hotel lobby. You can be on holiday and still respond within minutes. So when you choose not to, it feels like a decision you have to defend. This is not just about technology. It is about how the boundaries around work have blurred. We no longer measure commitment by presence. We measure it by responsiveness. And responsiveness is always possible. When work is everywhere, rest feels like resistance. And that resistance can start to feel like failure. Guilt Is a Product of Culture Many workplaces celebrate overcommitment. People are praised for working late. For answering emails during dinner. For 'jumping on a quick call' while on holiday. These actions are seen as dedication. But they are often symptoms of guilt. That guilt is reinforced by silence. If you take a break and no one covers for you, you feel like a burden. If your absence creates pressure for others, you feel like a slacker. If someone sends a message and you do not reply, you feel like you are letting them down. In cultures where being always available is normal, taking real time off can feel selfish. Or even unprofessional. You start to think less about what you need and more about how your absence is being perceived. The guilt builds not because you are doing something wrong, but because you are doing something different. Your Value Is Not Measured by Presence One reason vacation guilt hits so hard is that many people tie their worth to their output. You are seen as reliable, so you are always available. You are known as efficient, so you reply quickly. You are respected because you deliver. When you stop doing those things, even temporarily, a question lingers. Will people think you care less? Will your value slip? Will your absence create doubts about your role? These questions are rarely voiced. But they sit beneath the surface. And they often lead to small compromises. A quick message here. A few emails there. Just enough to show that you are still around. Still useful. Still important. But rest is not absence. It is recovery. And your value does not disappear just because your notifications do. Time Off Is Not Something You Have to Earn Again Many professionals approach time off like a debt. You take it, but you feel like you have to pay it back. You stay up late the night before to get ahead. You return to double the workload to make up for being gone. You promise yourself you will catch up as soon as you are back. This mindset makes vacation feel transactional. You are not resting. You are borrowing time with interest. And that interest gets paid in guilt. But rest is not a luxury. It is not indulgent. It is part of the job. It is what sustains performance. You cannot do your best work if you are never allowed to step away from it. When you normalize real time off, you model something healthier. You show your team that recovery is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of professionalism. And you prove to yourself that your worth is not based on constant activity. You do not need to apologize for taking a break. You need to protect it.
Daily Mail
19-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
My best friend won't stop moaning, everything becomes a 'misery contest'. Should I walk away? This letter writer's more sad than they admit, replies BEL MOONEY... here's why
Dear Bel, I'm hoping you can help me with something I feel both sad and guilty about.
Wall Street Journal
10-07-2025
- General
- Wall Street Journal
‘Summers in Squid Tickle' Review: At Canada's Eastern Edge
In the summer of 1995, Robert Finch was 'heartsick and heartsore, full of guilt and a pain I could find no release from. I had shattered one life and had not yet built another. I was far from home, and yet felt I had no home.' Like many others before him, he wondered if he might find a cure for what ails his heart in one of the far-flung places of the world. Like very few others, he decided that 'Newfoundland seemed like a good place to go.' With those Hemingwayesque words, Finch takes the reader with him, away from his past and deep into the heart of someone else's—that of the residents of Burnside, formerly known as Squid Tickle, an outport on the northeast coast of Newfoundland where the population, at its summer height, soars into the dozens. Squid Tickle—a tickle is a narrow channel of water between an island and the mainland or, in this case, a small island and a larger one—is a 100-mile ferry ride from North Sydney, Nova Scotia. Newfoundland is replete with such outports, located so as to maximize access to the now all but vanished northern cod stocks. As Finch writes, 'Burnside, like many of the outports, is already a largely geriatric community,' its numbers shrinking yearly, the younger generations having left to find employment 'up along,' as the locals say.
