Latest news with #introvert
The Guardian
28-05-2025
- Entertainment
- The Guardian
Overwhelmed by company? Five introvert-friendly ways to hang out
When I arrive at a gathering I tend to announce my departure in the same breath as my greeting. 'Hi! I brought some wine, where do you want it? Just letting you know I can only stay an hour because I start work really early on Sunday mornings.' Then I might throw in a little yawn and stretch. Restaurants aren't much different: my leg's likely to be jiggling before the order has been jotted down. The last mouthful of dessert sounds a last-drinks bell in my head. It's not that I don't love my friends. I've just got a window of tolerance for face-to-face activities, and then the agitation kicks in. I've been so fascinated by social reluctance that I wrote a book exploring it, The Introvert's Guide to Leaving the House. In my 30s, I'd embarked on a five-year mission to become more outgoing, figuring out which situations I could be comfortable in, and setting myself exercises in social etiquette, empathy and positive reframing. These techniques became second nature by the time I hit my 40s, so I decided to share what I'd learned. It seems timely. When discussing the book with non-introverts, I realised that social overwhelm has massively broadened in recent years. Whether you blame lockdowns, news-cycle malaise or digital-era disconnect, we're less likely to commit to an outing. But I've learned it's possible to engineer low-key hangs that charge an introvert's social battery – or at least don't drain it as quickly. The three-second rule doesn't just apply to dropped food. As reported by the British Psychological Society, a 2016 study of nearly 500 participants found the vast majority felt most comfortable with eye contact that lasted just over three seconds. Business blogs from Throughline Group to Inc will tell you that's the optimal eye gaze time because you're showing engagement without becoming unnerving. That's why shoulder-to-shoulder activities are such a relief. These are activities we do alongside each other rather than face to face, such as going to a gallery, playing pool, a games night, joining your local chapter of the Silent Book Club or taking a simple walk – cheapest hangout ever. Men tend to naturally go shoulder to shoulder more than women; in fact, the Australian Men's Shed Association slogan is 'Men don't talk face to face, but shoulder to shoulder'. I prefer to know in advance how many people are coming. A newish friend once suggested we go on holiday overseas. I agreed, we made an itinerary, then she announced that another woman, who I didn't know, would be joining us. 'The more the merrier!' said the friend. Worst holiday ever. The maths is simple: the more bodies there are in a social pile-up, the more overwhelming it becomes. A single person is possible to read. A scenario with two people requires split concentration to accommodate them both. More than two people means second-guessing what everyone is thinking, so knowing what is most appropriate to say is absolutely impossible. It can help to know who's coming in order to take a moment beforehand to recall the last time you met each person and what was going on for them. Having a one to one side-conversation with someone about something that interests them is infinitely better than aimless group small talk. You could even make notes in your phone contacts whenever you've had an interesting chat. It's not stalking, it's anthropology – you're studying your community. What if you don't know the people? I like to gamify a situation I'm not looking forward to. In this scenario the game could be: figure out who in this group could potentially be your new BFF. Find common ground. Many introverts take the scraping of chair legs across a cafe floor extremely personally. We're sensitive to loud, unscheduled noises (at kids' parties, balloons were a nightmare for me), so venues with the acoustics of a concrete cube are best avoided lest we fritz our synapses. For anyone with sensory processing issues or simply of an irritable nature, a table of six people talking at once sounds like a beer hall during Oktoberfest. Worse, there's probably going to be cross-talk, where more than one conversation is competing for our brain's attention. In these social gatherings I often fall silent. People must think I have the consumptive constitution of a 19th-century muse. If it's just you and a friend, you could likely get away with suggesting a venue change because you're dying to hang on to their every word but can't hear them. If it's a larger group you could try wearable tech – the fancy term for earplugs. Brands such as Happy Ears, Earjobs or Loop earplugs reduce background noise while still allowing conversation to cut through. Every year I fly back to the UK for a week-long family holiday by the seaside, but despite wanting to see my family, I find being fully present during this intensive period a real struggle. After each trip my cousin Adam posts a big album of photos to Facebook. Without fail I'm only in about two photographs, because all week I've been 'just going back to the house', 'just off to get something' or giving them a head start to the beach hut and promising to catch up. Eventually. One year, I decided I would consciously opt to skip certain activities and fully participate in others. Of course, I chose to commit to shoulder-to-shoulder activities. For instance, I opted out of sitting and chatting in the beach hut, but committed to a board game in the evening. Think of the next lengthy get-together you've got coming up and consider what elements you'll sit out and what you'll commit to. Then make sure you're in the photos. Now you've committed to a hangout, give yourself time to self-regulate, since your mood has an effect on others. That means no sighing on arrival or being distant. Introverts can find it harder than most to communicate what's going on for us, but developmentally, managing our spillage is something we ought to be on top of by the time we leave school. If we're still killing everyone's buzz as adults, then it's something we've given ourselves permission to do, hoping people will just make allowances. If your modus operandi has always been Wallow Now, Apologise Later, a good way to behaviour-check yourself is to ask: am I likely to send an apologetic text to this person later? If the answer is yes, try to tackle your behaviour in the moment instead. You might acknowledge your mood and say you're going to reset. You could even half-jokingly ask the other person to help you out by giving you an update on their news while you're 'rebooting'. Better still, take a few minutes before a meet-up to focus on your positive relationship with the person and what might be going on in their life. Ultimately, the best way to get out of your own head is to consider another person's needs. Jenny Valentish is the author of The Introvert's Guide to Leaving the House (Simon & Schuster, A$36.99)
ABC News
26-05-2025
- Lifestyle
- ABC News
What happens when an introvert falls in love with an extrovert?
Author Jenny Valentish describes herself as an introvert and a reformed sociophobe. For most of her professional life, she resorted to Dutch courage before going to social events. So, how does she navigate life with a partner who says he's a "card-carrying extrovert"? In her new book, she offers advice for introverts and sociophobes. Guests:
Forbes
25-05-2025
- Business
- Forbes
8 Ways Introverts Can Win At Work When Surrounded By Extroverts
Did you know that as an introvert working with extroverts, you are perceived as less competent in your organization than the extraverts? Imagine you are leading a team in your organization, constantly having to prove you can do what you need to do, but your leadership assumes you can't because you are an introvert. When you think of social careers in sales, teaching, or healthcare, images of confident, charismatic people moving from one conversation to the next likely come to mind. Behind many successful professionals in these people-focused roles are introverts who thrive on deep thinking, solitary reflection, and meaningful one-on-one interactions without constant engagement. For introverts, the emotional labor of social roles can come at a cost. Meetings, small talk, presentations, and customer demands pull from the same energy reserve they need to focus and recharge. Without proactive self-care and boundaries, this mismatch can lead to exhaustion and, eventually, burnout. As an introvert who leads a team while working daily with customers supporting multiple contract deliverables, I have found the following strategies are key to many aspects of being an introvert. These include conserving my energy so that when I get home, I don't run straight to bed or constantly scroll on my phone. Being married to an extrovert requires using these strategies to support my home life and not just my work life. As an introvert, you are good at pushing through discomfort to meet professional expectations, but that doesn't mean it's sustainable. Chronic fatigue, irritability, mental fog, and loss of enthusiasm are early signs of burnout. How to: Audit your energy. At the end of each day, ask yourself: Which parts of today drained me? Which parts energized me? Track your answers for a week to identify consistent patterns. This self-awareness is the foundation of prevention. You may even consider taking a day of personal time off to recharge instead of just using the weekends. Unlike extroverts, who often gain energy through interaction, introverts recharge in solitude. How to: Build quiet time into your calendar before you need it. Treat 15–30 minutes of quiet time like an unmissable meeting. Take a walk while listening to music or a favorite movie. Eat lunch alone. These micro-moments reset your nervous system and preserve your clarity. Social roles often come with expectations for after-hours event participation. How to: Show up and stay as long as it is appropriate for you; however, for work-related events, such as those focused on business development, you may need to commit to being there the entire time. For other events outside of work requirements, say hello to the host, make it a point to talk to one or two people, and once you feel you need to leave, depart gracefully, saying goodbye and thank you to the host. No one is tracking your time. They will appreciate you making time for them. Time management works on the assumption that you can do more if you schedule more. For introverts, the key metric isn't hours but energy. Energy management is about matching tasks to your natural rhythm, but if you conserve your energy, you may be able to support more personal goals after you leave work, rather than feeling exhausted and going to bed early. How to: Schedule your most socially demanding tasks during peak energy times. For many introverts, this is mid-morning or early afternoon. Reserve late afternoon for solo work, writing, or thinking time. Don't schedule deep work after a string of meetings. One of the fastest paths to burnout is saying 'yes' to everything. Setting boundaries is incredibly challenging in collaborative roles where being helpful feels like part of the job. How to: To protect your time, say: 'I'd love to contribute, but I need to wrap up another priority first.' 'Can I respond tomorrow? I want to give this my full attention.' 'I have plans and cannot make it to your event.' The goal isn't to isolate yourself from your teammates or family. The goal is to protect your energy so you can show up thoroughly when it matters most. Being visible at work doesn't always mean being the loudest voice in the room. Introverts often shine in thoughtful, strategic, and one-on-one interactions. How to: Share your wins and ideas in writing. Use strategic visibility practices to demonstrate your value. Advocate for structured check-ins with your manager rather than relying solely on informal visibility. Like athletes need recovery days, introverts need a consistent end-of-day or end-of-week plan to recalibrate. Plan your way to recharge. Without these plans, stress accumulates. How to: Choose a ritual that signals to your mind that the social part of your day is over. It could be a walk, a shower, journaling, or changing into comfortable clothes. Repeat it consistently to build a habit your body will recognize. Or even consider taking a longer way home to have more time with your thoughts or to just decompress. If your current work environment constantly drains you, it might be time to explore a better environment rather than find a new role. Some companies are more accommodating of deep work and asynchronous collaboration than others. How to: Talk to your manager about flexibility, such as fewer meetings, more remote days, or asynchronous work options. When evaluating new roles, ask about communication norms and meeting culture. Introverts bring calm, focus, empathy, and thoughtfulness to their roles, which are vital in high-interaction careers, and your strength requires support. Self-care isn't selfish. It's a way for you to continue to be there for your people continuing to work in a world that doesn't always recognize introvert competencies while staying true to yourself.
Yahoo
11-05-2025
- Lifestyle
- Yahoo
There Are 4 Types Of Introverts. Which One Are You?
Ah, yes, that moment when you finally get home and can just relax. Changing into PJs and doing whatever you want to do — by yourself — hits different, doesn't it? If you're a homebody or enjoy quiet, personal time, you're probably an introvert. In other words, you 'recharge' by spending time alone (or in small groups with close loved ones) and prefer those settings. Even more interesting — perhaps especially for fellow personality test lovers — there are four types of introverts: social introverts, thinking introverts, anxious introverts and restrained introverts. Ahead, therapists dive deeper into what each type looks like and their suggestions for embracing it: Rhea Freeman, a business coach, mentor and author of 'You've Got This,' does a lot of public speaking and has even been on the radio and TV. And yes: She's also an introvert. 'When we think 'introvert,' we often think of someone who's shy in social situations, but that's not me,' she said. For social introverts, the 'introvert' part is more about preferring smaller groups and people you know. 'I'm OK with large-ish groups but I find it a lot, particularly if I don't know the people as I'm never quite sure what to do,' she said. 'If it's with people I know, I'm fine, or if I have a job to do, I'm fine, but socially is a bit different.' Avoiding big events is her instinct, she continued, but she's been trying to push herself to embrace those opportunities more. According to therapists, signs of social introversion include: Preferring small gatherings with close friends or one-on-one conversations Enjoying solitary activities and not feeling lonely when you're hanging out by yourself Feeling drained after extended social interactions, or needing time to recharge after, even when you had fun Preferring to communicate via text or online Ultimately, lean into your social introversion. 'I recommend social introverts engage in small gatherings where they can connect with a few people at a time, and schedule downtime afterward to recharge,' said Monica Cwynar, a licensed clinical social worker with Thriveworks in Pittsburgh who specializes in relationships, trauma and coping skills. Amelia Kelley, a trauma-informed therapist, author, podcaster and researcher, said that setting clear expectations with loved ones can be helpful, keeping them in the loop and helping them understand. Having that conversation and giving yourself the grace to embrace your needs can help you avoid resenting your interactions and loved ones, she explained. That conversation may feel uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean you did anything 'wrong.' 'Don't let societal pressure make you feel like solitude is a flaw — it's a strength,' said Caitlin Slavens, a psychologist and clinical director of Couples to Cradles. In short, knowing and honoring your boundaries is key. 'It's OK to say 'no' to events that feel draining,' said Kristin Anderson, founder of Madison Square Psychotherapy and a licensed psychotherapist who supports introverted clients. 'Plan downtime after socializing, and lean into the relationships that nourish you.' Fiona Fletcher Reid, a 38-year-old Scot and podcast host of 'Sunflowers and Stars,' is a thinking introvert. She said she thrives when she's left to her thoughts. Daydreaming and thinking keep her from feeling overwhelmed or depressed. 'I feel most 'me' when I'm reading nonfiction, learning about topics I'm interested in, like mental health or spirituality,' she said. So, she deliberately finds pockets of time for deep thinking and getting creative with tarot cards. 'It's a simple daily habit to pull a tarot card, but it triggers a moment of introspection that can have a really positive impact on the rest of my day,' she said. Signs of thinking introversion, according to therapists, include: Frequently daydreaming or fantasizing Engaging in deep reflection Being highly introspective and self-aware Enjoying solitary activities that are creative or engage the mind, like writing, painting or puzzles Finding yourself lost in thought during conversations Feeling overwhelmed in fast-paced discussions A happy medium is key. Cwynar recommended thinking introverts 'find a balance by allowing for social interaction that does not compromise their need for solitude.' That might look like going on a trip with a couple of friends and scheduling independent time. Or, Kelley suggested scheduling creative and reflective activities, practicing mindfulness and sharing your insights with others. Slavens emphasized that those habits have value. Introspection can fuel creative and personal growth, she said, as well as help you organize your thoughts. She urged people to not apologize for needing 'mental space.' Anderson agreed. 'Make space for your imagination and realize it's a gift,' she said. 'Don't be afraid to share your ideas with others — they often will appreciate them more than you realize.' Rachel MacPherson, a 39-year-old Canadian personal trainer and writer, said she leaves social situations feeling drained, beating herself up and analyzing everything she said. As a result, she struggles to go to social events in the first place. 'What that looks like is spending the hours leading up to the event convincing myself I should go, worrying about the interactions and feeling as though I could find a reason to back out,' she explained. She's found a way to handle it, though. 'I've learned to manage this by telling myself that once I'm there, I'll have a ton of fun, which is pretty much always the case.' According to therapists, signs of anxious introversion include: Feeling nervous or self-conscious before or during social events Avoiding or dreading social interactions (especially unfamiliar ones) due to a fear of embarrassment or judgment Overanalyzing past social encounters, or replaying social interactions in your head Feeling more comfortable in familiar environments or with trusted people Hesitating to approach new people Cwynar encouraged gradually exposing yourself to social situations. Maybe you go to an event but don't stay for long, bring a friend with you or find a smaller hangout. 'Finding safe spaces or supportive individuals can empower them to engage socially at their own pace,' she said. Seeking support from a therapist is helpful, too. Kelley said therapists can help address anxious thoughts and feelings, practice talking to others, and share self-compassion skills to help you challenge negative self-talk. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be particularly useful for the latter, according to Slavens and Anderson. It helps you reframe your thoughts, leading to more positive emotions and helpful behaviors. On that note, Slavens shared one way to reframe a thought: 'Your brain is just trying to protect you, even if it overdoes it sometimes.' Anderson shared another helpful reminder: 'It's OK to feel nervous, but remind yourself that you're not being judged as harshly as you might think.' Erin Mantz, vice president of marketing at Zeno Group and the founder of Gen X Girls Grow Up, is a restrained introvert (also known as an inhibited introvert). 'The first word that comes to mind is exhausting,' she said. 'The reality is that restrained introverts have to force themselves to walk in unnatural territories every day — at work and even play … If there is a sudden or unexpected change in a plan to go out socially, I need time to mentally prepare.' In those settings, she processes her thoughts more than she expresses them verbally; she'll only share her thoughts if someone directly asks for them. Signs of restrained introversion, according to therapists, include: Preferring to observe groups, especially before participating in them Needing time to feel comfortable in a new group, or taking time to 'warm up' to people Disliking the feeling of being 'put on the spot' Being reserved in group settings Taking time to make decisions and respond to questions Acting or responding carefully and methodically, preferring to think before you act Valuing deliberate routines and predictability Feeling markedly more relaxed after social interactions end Preferring planned events over last-minute invitations If that sounds familiar, Anderson encouraged you to take situations at your own pace, embracing the beauty of thoughtful living. 'Your pace is just as valid as anyone else's,' Slavens agreed. 'Surround yourself with people who appreciate your thoughtfulness and don't push you into quick decisions.' Then, when you're ready, Cwynar encouraged gently challenging yourself to engage more. She suggested recognizing the value of your thoughtful contributions first to help build that confidence. At the same time, listen to your gut. 'Being cautious is also a form of being intentional, so when used the right way, it can be a strength,' Kelley added. She encouraged communicating your needs and engaging in self-confidence-boosting activities. The idea of communicating your needs may be scary — and that doesn't mean it won't go well. To help you feel more comfortable, Cwynar suggested having the conversation in a setting that makes you feel most at ease, like writing it down and handing it to the person or having the discussion one person at a time. If you feel self-conscious about being an introvert, you're not the only one. At the same time, try to not forget or belittle the value you offer. Being an introvert, an extrovert, an ambivert — none is better than the other. All these personality traits have strengths and beautiful characteristics. And embracing that can help you contribute more meaningfully, according to Kelley. More specifically, therapists agree that introverts' deep strengths include deep thinking, listening skills, thoughtful reflection, empathy, creativity, the ability to form meaningful connections and even leadership. Cwynar will be the first to tell you that the world needs that. 'You don't need to be the loudest in the room to make an impact,' Slavens added. Anderson agreed. 'In a society that sometimes feels like a race to be the loudest or the busiest, introverts remind of the power of stillness and depth.' There Are 3 Types Of Perfectionism. Which Category Are You? I'm An Introvert Who Spent Years Trying To Make Friends. With 1 Change, I Suddenly Had Dozens. 19 Things Introverts Wish Their Bosses Knew
