Latest news with #narcissism
Yahoo
6 days ago
- Yahoo
15 Disturbing Behaviors Of Someone Who Is A 'Vindictive' Narcissist
Navigating relationships with narcissists is challenging on its own, but when you add a vindictive streak to the mix, things can become downright unsettling. Vindictive narcissists aren't merely self-absorbed; they actively seek to hurt those they perceive as threats or those who have "wronged" them. It's crucial to recognize these behaviors early on to protect your mental well-being. Here are 15 disturbing signs that someone might be a vindictive narcissist. 1. Relishes In Ruining Reputations Vindictive narcissists take immense pleasure in tarnishing the reputations of those they view as adversaries. They spread rumors and falsehoods to paint their targets in an unflattering light, often fabricating stories to suit their narratives. These individuals are gifted in the art of manipulation, making their lies believable to others. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist, such behaviors are often driven by a deep-seated need to maintain control and superiority over others. Their ultimate goal is to isolate their target, ensuring they have fewer allies. Beyond spreading rumors, these narcissists might go to extreme lengths to undermine your credibility. They could, for instance, dig up personal information to use against you at the most opportune moment. Their attacks are often strategic, aiming to cause maximum damage with minimal effort. This behavior isn't impulsive; it's calculated and deliberate. The pleasure they derive from dismantling someone's social standing is as much about power as it is about their fragile ego. 2. Plays The Victim Card One of the most troubling traits of a vindictive narcissist is their uncanny ability to twist situations to portray themselves as the victim. When faced with confrontation, they'll often turn the narrative to highlight their suffering, regardless of who was at fault initially. This manipulation often serves to garner sympathy from unsuspecting bystanders, who may not see the full picture. It's a classic diversion tactic, designed to deflect blame and regain control of the situation. The real victims can feel gaslit, as their experiences are invalidated in favor of the narcissist's "plight." In a group dynamic, they may rally others to their side by exaggerating or fabricating grievances. They aim to control the narrative, creating a scenario where you appear to be the aggressor. This behavior can be especially damaging in professional settings, where the line between truth and fiction can become blurred. As they gain sympathy, they are also gathering ammunition for their next move. The irony is palpable, as the person causing harm postures as the one harmed. 3. Skilled At Selective Amnesia Have you ever noticed how some people conveniently "forget" harmful actions they've committed? Vindictive narcissists excel in selective amnesia, conveniently forgetting their wrongdoings while focusing on yours. This behavior can leave you questioning your own reality, as they seem genuinely unaware of their actions. As Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist and author, points out, this behavior stems from their deeply ingrained need to protect their self-image at all costs, often leading them to dismiss or distort reality. It's a form of self-preservation that unfortunately has damaging impacts on those around them. Their selective memory isn't just about forgetting; it's also about strategically remembering what benefits them most. They might recall every perceived slight you've ever committed while conveniently ignoring their own transgressions. This skewed recollection serves as a weapon in arguments, allowing them to deflect blame effortlessly. It's a form of psychological warfare that can leave you feeling disoriented and defensive. Over time, this tactic erodes trust, as you begin to doubt their sincerity and capacity for honesty. 4. Uses Your Secrets Against You In the early stages of a relationship, vindictive narcissists can seem disarmingly open and inviting. They encourage you to share your thoughts and secrets, creating a false sense of intimacy and trust. But once you part ways with them, these shared confidences can become weapons in their arsenal. Their intent isn't just to breach your trust but to control your narrative when tensions rise. By using your past vulnerabilities against you, they seek to keep you in check and maintain their upper hand. This betrayal often comes as a shock, especially if you've confided deeply personal information. The narcissist's aim is to exploit these secrets to manipulate your behavior or discredit you in front of others. They might threaten to reveal your confidences unless you comply with their demands. This kind of emotional blackmail can be incredibly distressing, leaving you feeling trapped and powerless. It's a reminder of how cruel and calculating a vindictive narcissist can be. 5. Turns Allies Into Adversaries A vindictive narcissist's need for control often extends to those around you, not just you. They may try to turn your friends, family, or colleagues against you, slowly sowing seeds of doubt and discord. They are adept at identifying those who may already have grievances, using these to drive a wedge between you and your support system. Dr. Simon Rego, a chief psychologist at Montefiore Medical Center, highlights that this tactic is about isolating you, making you more reliant on the narcissist's skewed reality. The ultimate goal is to ensure that their version of events is the only version that matters. In this process, they are often persuasive and charming, making it easy for others to be swayed by their version of the story. They may present themselves as the misunderstood party, painting you as unreasonable or unstable. This manipulation can fracture relationships, leaving you feeling alienated and unsupported. Over time, the isolation can wear you down, making it harder to see the truth behind their manipulations. It's a calculated move to keep you off-balance and dependent on their narrative. 6. Delights In Gaslighting Gaslighting is a favored tactic of the vindictive narcissist, playing on your sense of reality to keep you off-kilter. By constantly challenging your perceptions, they make you doubt your own experiences and memory. This psychological manipulation is designed to make you question your sanity, giving the narcissist a greater hold over your thoughts and actions. They might insist that certain events never happened or twist your words to make you seem irrational. The endgame is to destabilize you mentally and emotionally, making you easier to control. The effects of gaslighting can be profound, leaving you feeling confused and vulnerable. You might start to question your own judgment, wondering if you're the one who's misremembering events. This constant self-doubt can make you more reliant on the narcissist, as their version of reality becomes your new normal. The slow erosion of your confidence is precisely what the narcissist wants, as it makes you less likely to challenge their authority. Over time, this dynamic can become deeply ingrained, damaging your self-esteem and trust in others. 7. Enjoys Playing Mind Games Mind games are a staple in the vindictive narcissist's toolkit, designed to keep you guessing and unsure of their true intentions. These games often involve mixed messages, contradictions, and sudden changes in behavior, all intended to create chaos. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology explains that these manipulative tactics are often a defense mechanism, allowing narcissists to maintain a sense of control and power. The unpredictability keeps you on edge, as you're never quite sure what to believe or expect. The aim is to keep you mentally exhausted, unable to challenge their dominance. These games can take various forms, from giving you the silent treatment one moment to showering you with affection the next. This erratic behavior is deliberate, a way to keep you invested in their approval and attention. The more you try to understand or predict their actions, the more entangled you become in their web. This emotional rollercoaster can be draining, making it difficult for you to see the relationship clearly. By the time you realize what's happening, you may already feel trapped in their cycle of manipulation. 8. Obsessed With Revenge And Payback A vindictive narcissist harbors an intense need for revenge, often focusing on perceived slights or grievances. Their world is a zero-sum game where they can't rest until they've exacted retribution. This obsession can lead them to fixate on ways to "get even," no matter how minor the original issue was. They are unable to let go, seeing revenge as a validation of their superiority and the righting of perceived wrongs. This relentless pursuit of payback can be unsettling, as their actions are often unpredictable and disproportionate to the initial offense. Their concept of justice is skewed, based on personal vendettas rather than objective fairness. This mindset can lead to a cycle of retaliation, where every action from you is seen as a fresh provocation. They may go out of their way to make your life difficult, regardless of the consequences for themselves. This fixation isn't just about the act of revenge; it's about reasserting control and dominance. The fallout of their actions often leaves a trail of damaged relationships and emotional pain. 9. Exploits Your Emotions Emotional exploitation is a common tactic among vindictive narcissists, who are skilled at identifying and manipulating your vulnerabilities. By feigning empathy or understanding, they can draw you in, only to use your emotions against you later. This manipulation often leaves you feeling exposed and betrayed, as their concern was never genuine. Instead, it was a ploy to gain your trust and gather information. Once they have what they need, your emotions are weaponized to further their agenda. This exploitation can happen in various contexts, from romantic relationships to professional settings. They might appear supportive initially, only to twist your words or actions when it suits them. This betrayal can be particularly painful, as it often comes from someone you believed had your best interests at heart. Over time, this pattern can erode your confidence and emotional well-being, leaving you questioning your ability to trust others. The narcissist thrives on this uncertainty, as it keeps you reliant on their approval and guidance. 10. Loves To Play The Hero In public, a vindictive narcissist often plays the role of the hero, eager to be seen as the savior of any situation. They thrive on admiration and praise, positioning themselves as the only one capable of resolving conflicts or helping others. This image is meticulously curated to mask their true nature and gain social approval. By appearing benevolent, they deflect any criticism or suspicion about their more sinister motives. This façade is an essential tool in their manipulation, as it makes it harder for others to believe any negative claims against them. Behind closed doors, however, their actions tell a different story. The hero persona is a smoke screen, designed to distract from their vindictive behavior. They may even create situations or conflicts to swoop in and "save the day," further cementing their role. This duality can be confusing for those involved, as the narcissist's public and private personas are starkly different. The hero act is less about helping others and more about reinforcing their own self-image and control. 11. Feeds Off Drama Drama is the lifeblood of a vindictive narcissist, providing them with the excitement and attention they crave. They may instigate conflicts, create chaos, or pit people against each other to stir the pot. This constant upheaval keeps everyone around them on edge, unable to predict what will happen next. The narcissist thrives in this environment, as it elevates their status as the center of attention. Drama isn't just a byproduct of their behavior; it's a deliberate strategy to keep control and maintain their dominance. In personal relationships, this drama can manifest as frequent arguments or manufactured crises. The narcissist's goal is to keep you emotionally reactive, ensuring you remain focused on them. Even in professional settings, their penchant for drama can create a toxic work environment, as they manipulate colleagues and situations to their advantage. As long as there's chaos, they feel relevant and powerful. The trick is to recognize this pattern and distance yourself from the whirlwind before it consumes you. 12. Manipulates Through Guilt Guilt is a powerful tool for vindictive narcissists, who use it to manipulate and control those around them. By making you feel responsible for their emotions or actions, they can pressure you into compliance. This tactic often involves exaggerating their own suffering or misfortune to elicit your sympathy. Once you feel guilty, they have the leverage needed to influence your decisions and behavior. This manipulation can be subtle, leaving you questioning whether you're genuinely at fault or being played. In relationships, guilt-tripping can take the form of emotional blackmail, where you're made to feel responsible for the narcissist's happiness. They may insist that your actions are the cause of their distress, urging you to "make it right" despite the lack of fault on your part. This dynamic can be exhausting, as you're constantly working to appease their demands and alleviate your guilt. Over time, this manipulation can wear down your self-esteem and sense of autonomy. The key is to recognize these guilt tactics and set boundaries to protect yourself. 13. Controls The Narrative A vindictive narcissist is obsessed with controlling the narrative, ensuring their version of events is the one everyone believes. They carefully craft stories and explanations to paint themselves in the best possible light while discrediting others. This control extends to all aspects of their life, from personal relationships to professional interactions. By dominating the narrative, they maintain power and influence over those around them. It's a calculated move designed to manipulate perceptions and keep their true nature hidden. In practice, this often involves revising history to suit their agenda. They may downplay their own mistakes while magnifying others' errors to shift blame away from themselves. This manipulation can make it difficult for others to see the reality of the situation, as the narcissist's version is often convincing and well-articulated. This control over the narrative serves to isolate their target, as those around them are drawn into their web of deception. The result is a distorted reality, where the narcissist reigns supreme. 14. Dismisses Your Achievements For a vindictive narcissist, your success is a threat to their ego, so they work diligently to undermine your achievements. They may belittle your accomplishments, suggesting they were easy or insignificant. This dismissal isn't just about jealousy; it's a tactic to keep you feeling small and dependent. By minimizing your successes, they maintain their position of superiority, ensuring you don't overshadow them. The impact of this can be profound, leaving you doubting your capabilities and self-worth. In professional settings, this might involve taking credit for your work or sabotaging your efforts to ensure you don't outshine them. In personal relationships, they may downplay your achievements, suggesting they weren't as impressive as they seem. This constant belittlement serves to chip away at your confidence, making you more reliant on their approval. It's a calculated move to maintain control, as your self-doubt keeps you tethered to their narrative. Recognizing this pattern is crucial to breaking free from their oppressive influence. 15. Thrives On Division Creating division is a hallmark of the vindictive narcissist, who thrives on pitting people against each other. They may spread misinformation or fan the flames of existing conflicts to create discord. This divisive behavior serves their purpose by keeping everyone around them distracted and at odds. The resulting chaos allows the narcissist to maintain control, as they position themselves as the calm center in a storm of their own making. It's a deliberate strategy to ensure their dominance and keep others disempowered. In a group setting, this behavior can fracture relationships and create a toxic environment. The narcissist may identify weaknesses in group dynamics, exploiting them to sow seeds of mistrust and jealousy. This division can make it difficult for others to unite against the narcissist, as they're too busy dealing with the fallout of the conflicts. By keeping everyone focused on their own battles, the narcissist ensures their own position remains unchallenged. It's a manipulative tactic that serves to reinforce their authority and control. Solve the daily Crossword
Daily Mail
14-07-2025
- General
- Daily Mail
The common behavioural trait displayed by a narcissist - are YOU guilty of it?
Anyone who has ever spent time in the orbit of a person with narcissistic personality traits knows how hard it can be, but a Reddit post has claimed that such people might come to recognise their toxic behaviour. A US-based Reddit user who goes by the handle @Party_Programmer_453 has revealed the moment he realised he is a narcissist and wants to change. The 26-year-old confessed that his 'wake-up call' came after having an argument with his mother about a drink he spilled on her carpet. He wrote in a post titled, 'HELP, I'm a narcissist': 'So, I've been crashing at my mother's place recently after some stuff went sideways in my life. 'Last night, I was walking through the living room with a drink in my hand, not really paying attention, and I tripped. 'The glass slipped, spilled all over the carpet. The first words out of my mouth were: 'Why would you even put that there?'' The Redditor explained that he was referring to a side table his mother keeps near her sofa, and he had automatically blamed her for something that was 'clearly my fault'. 'And as soon as I heard myself say that, it was like a switch flipped in my head. It hit me how messed up that reaction was,' he reflected. 'Not because I spilled something, but because of how automatic it was to blame someone else.' He then started thinking about situations in which his girlfriend, 28, had pointed out he would 'twist' things in order to 'flip blame' onto anyone other than himself - including on her, which would 'make her feel like she's always doing something wrong'. Admitting she was 'right', he continued: 'I always brushed it off as her being dramatic or sensitive. 'But standing in my mother's living room with iced tea soaking into her carpet, I realised she was right. And it wasn't a one-time thing.' The Redditor, who has been with his girlfriend for three years, divulged that the couple had 'constant little fights', but he would 'always have a reason why it isn't my fault'. Recalling several instances during which he was a self-described 'garbage of a human being', the user wrote: 'Three months ago, she got home from a long shift and the kitchen was a mess. 'She asked why I didn't clean up, and I snapped, 'You didn't ask me to'. Like I needed a chore list instead of just being considerate. 'I said, 'You think I don't have stuff going on too? The difference is that you always complain and I keep things to myself' instead of just listening. 'Another time, she got emotional about something she was going through, and I made it about me. I flipped it, every f***ing time,' he realised. 'I always accuse her of 'overreacting' any time she brought up how I made her feel. Then I'd get mad at her for 'starting fights which I now see was just her trying to communicate.' He admitted that his girlfriend had told him 'more than once' that he had a habit of '[manipulating] the situation so it always looks like [she's] the problem'. The Reddit user added that, previously, he 'honestly thought she was just being unfair', but upon reflection has realised that he was 'deflecting, blaming, stonewalling, all the classic signs of narcissistic behaviour'. 'It wasn't about being a villain, it was just... my default,' he said. Circling back to the drink he spilled on his mother's carpet, the user described it was his 'wake-up call'. 'I spilled something. I blamed someone else. And in my head, it made perfect sense until it didn't.' He also realised that his behaviour didn't just affect his girlfriend and his mother, but that he had also 'done this exact thing over and over' with co-workers and friends. 'I weaponise logic to avoid blame, I gaslit people without even realising it, and I always make myself the misunderstood one.' Upon his epiphany, the author of the post said he was turning to Reddit for ideas and suggestions on where he can start changing his behaviour, and how to seek help to do it. 'Now I don't know exactly what to do with this. I've been reading a bit about narcissistic tendencies and it's honestly terrifying how much of it fits,' he confessed. 'I don't think I'm a monster, but I can't ignore this anymore. I don't want to keep hurting people close to me, or keep lying to myself especially after my mother gave me that look of disgust.' He added: 'I want to change. I just don't know where to begin. Please help.' Dozens of other Reddit users offered advice to the post author, suggesting he begins therapy to discover the root of his behaviour and begin making steps towards real change. Many acknowledged that his self-realisation was the first step towards becoming a better person and encouraged him on his journey. 'Finally seeing all this is very hopeful for the future. Do not allow yourself to avoid/ignore it moving forward,' one person said. Another added: 'I just came here to say that you even acknowledging this about yourself is huge. 'Good for you. More people need to take accountability for their actions and behaviour.' Several people said the first thing the post author should do is apologise to his girlfriend for all the times he made her feel like she had done something wrong even though she had not. 'Go to your girlfriend and tell her you're sorry. That she's been right all along. That you never realised despite all the times she's talked to you about these things, how you've been treating her,' one Redditor said. Another chimed in: 'Assuming you want to keep your girlfriend, I'd start with an apology. 'You can tell her about the iced tea, and how it's made you realise some things you don't like about yourself. 'If she's stuck around this long there's a good chance she will continue to stick by you if she sees you actually trying to better yourself. 'And while it is not her job to fix you, she may be willing to help or at least be a cheerleader.' Some recommended that the post author seek an official diagnosis for narcissism in order to clarify what therapeutic work he will need to do in order to be successful in his quest for change. 'I have a good friend who is a diagnosed narcissist. He's done a lot of work in therapy to keep his impulses from affecting others,' one person wrote. 'There's been a lot of good advice in here, but once you get a handle on your responses and reactions, I think it's important to remember that there's no finish line to being a better person. It's always active and ongoing.' Another added: 'Therapy, therapy, therapy. You don't sound like a full blown narcissist but you are definitely walking the path. 'The biggest thing you are gonna have to face is the why. Narcissist Personality disorder is a maladaptive response to your upbringing. 'Your brain wired itself this way for a reason and unlearning and undoing that is what your goal should be. You will learn tricks and hacks to undo the behaviour in the moment, but you have to unpack what got you to that point as well.' Another suggested that the original user find a therapist who is experienced in narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), as they would have the best expertise to help him. 'It took a long time to grow this way, fortunately it will take less time to unlearn it, but still, often several years,' they continued. 'Totally worth it! You'll notice yourself wanting to pick apart and blame the therapist, too. 'The sessions will be good practice. It's so great that you want to change and grow! You are choosing well for yourself.' According to the British Psychological Society, people with narcissistic tendencies often put their own interests ahead of others and constantly show off, as well as taking credit where it's not deserved. They also tend to agree with self-aggrandising and controlling statements, and feel less concern for others in distress. In the UK, it is estimated around one in 20 people have NPD. However, the number of undiagnosed cases could be much higher.
Washington Post
12-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Washington Post
When photography was born, fascination, obsession and danger followed
The prevalence of photography in contemporary life has inspired a lot of griping about the supposedly unprecedented narcissism of our social-media-driven culture. We are continually encouraged to live in the moment instead of through our cameras, scolded for our pursuit of a flattering selfie or an aesthetic backdrop that will draw eyes — and engagement — to our photos and ourselves.
Yahoo
10-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
The No. 1 Sign You Were Raised by a Narcissist, According to a Psychologist
This story discusses child abuse. If you are a child being abused, or know a child who may be facing abuse, call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at (800) 422-4453, or go to States often have child abuse hotlines, but if you suspect a child's life is in imminent danger, call 911. If you've been on the internet lately, you've probably seen the term "narcissist" thrown around. It's become a common label used to describe toxic traits and behaviors, often in the context of romantic relationships. You may think of the classic love-bombing, manipulative cheater or the arrogant, entitled spouse who is always right. Another type of relationship that's often plagued by narcissism is the one between a parent and child. The narcissistic parent trope is often depicted in film, such as Faye Dunaway's role in "Mommie Dearest," or the neglectful parents in "Matilda." Narcissistic parents can shape the entire family dynamic and have a lasting impact on a child's wellbeing. However, children of narcissists may not realize this until they're struggling with the effects years or decades later. How can you tell if a parent was a narcissist? spoke to Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, narcissism expert and author of "It's Not You," about the telltale signs that a person might've been raised by a narcissistic parent or caregiver. "Narcissism is a personality style or pattern that's characterized by some pretty set qualities and traits, and you have to have most, if not all, of them to call someone narcissistic," Durvasula tells These include inflated self-importance, an excessive need for validation and admiration, entitlement, lack of empathy, pathological selfishness and arrogance, Durvasula explains. Narcissists often believe they are "special," and expect favorable treatment. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Most people will exhibit some narcissistic qualities, to varying degrees, at different points in their lives (i.e. toddlers). However, a narcissist has displayed a consistent pattern of these traits and behaviors, often to the extent that it causes problems in their life or for others. In relationships, narcissism can translate into manipulation, invalidation, betrayal or gaslighting, Durvasula adds. A common misconception is that 'narcissism' is a disorder, says Durvasula. 'Saying someone's narcissistic isn't diagnosing them. Assuming you've paid attention to the patterns, it's making a comment on their personality," she adds. However, nrcissistic personality disorder is a disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The DSM-5 defines NPD as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and lack of empathy, which begin in early adulthood and affect all areas of life, as indicated by meeting at least five out of nine specific criteria, per the Cleveland Clinic. In order to be diagnosed with NPD, you have to be formally evaluated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. Bu there's the problem. "A lot of narcissistic people aren't going to therapy," Durvasula says. Even if they do, they may not be able to identify narcissistic traits or connect them to problems in their lives. As a result, there are many people who meet the criteria but will never be diagnosed with NPD. 'There are also people who have a diagnosis of NPD, and their narcissism isn't nearly as severe as the many, many people out there who have never been diagnosed." As far as the prevalence of NPD, there is a lack of 'good' data, says Durvasula, but research suggests it affects 1–6% of the population. That said, the number of people who have a narcissistic personality type (but not necessarily NPD) is likely much higher. When a narcissist becomes a parent or caregiver, these traits can significantly impact how they raise children. 'The narcissistic parent often has a poor sense of differentiation from their child. ... Their child is an extension of themselves,' says Durvasula. They may view a child's independence as a threat, and use control and manipulation to maintain dominance. As a result, the child's needs and emotions are often neglected. Common traits among narcissistic parents include: Using children as a source of validation Prioritizing their needs over children's Having unreasonable expectations Being unable to understand children's feelings Being obsessed with their family's appearance Not respecting child's boundaries Giving love conditionally based on a child's ability to perform or meet their expectations Narcissistic parents often use enmeshment to control children. 'It's communicated in a million ways that the child doesn't get to be separate from the parent, so the child having a need or a want that's different would be selfish,' says Durvasula. They often put themselves first. 'There's no awareness, no attunement to their child,' Durvasula adds. Children may feel responsible for their parent's happiness, at the cost of their own desires and dreams. If a child shows emotions that evoke shame in the parent, they are often viewed as a 'bad kid.' They may blame one child for everything — the 'scapegoat' — or pit children against each other. Narcissistic parents also weaponize guilt. 'Even if they don't say it directly, they'll say, 'you owe me'," Durvasula says. 'Narcissistic parents view themselves as special or perfect, and they expect that from their children,' Durvasula says. Errors are often not tolerated, and when errors do happen, the parent may become verbally abusive or give the silent treatment. Generally, narcissistic parents lack empathy, but they can also be inconsistent with love. A narcissistic parent may have mostly bad days but one good day when they show glimpses of warmth and attention, which a child often holds onto, Durvasula notes. Due to the appearance-obsessed nature of narcissists, this dysfunction isn't always obvious. "It's this dichotomized space where the Christmas cards look great or the home looks great, but there's a real emotional impoverishment." Narcissistic relationships are also on a spectrum, Durvasula adds. At the most severe level, there's violence and abuse. "Most people are at the moderate-to-mild end ... but it's still incredibly invalidating." Growing up with a narcissistic parent or caregiver can significantly affect a person's development, mental health and behavior in childhood and adulthood. 'The child doesn't have options. They have to attach to their parents for survival. ... This is also who feeds them and houses them ... and who is meant to make them feel emotionally safe,' says Durvasula. In order to maintain that attachment, children will learn to modify themselves, she adds, which can impact self-esteem. The No. 1 sign that a person was raised by a narcissist is chronically feeling like they are "not enough," says Durvasula. "I haven't done enough. I didn't try hard enough. I didn't give enough. ... That's the guiding construct in their life." Other parenting styles or childhood trauma can also cause a person to feel this way, she adds. But "I think there's something unique about the child with a narcissistic parent, because the myth sold to the child is that there's always something they can do that would be enough." During adulthood, this may manifest as perfectionism, self-doubt, shame and imposter syndrome. 'They're always peddling faster and faster,' says Durvasula. 'You (think) you have to earn love. You have to earn validation. You have to earn being seen." They may struggle to set boundaries or become codependent people-pleasers because they're used to sacrificing themselves for a narcissistic parent. Another telltale sign a person was raised by a narcissist is "difficulty expressing needs, wants or aspirations," says Durvasula, adding that it's because they were made to feel ungrateful or selfish when they did. Inconsistent reactions from the narcissistic parent, like rage or emotional abandonment, also create anxiety. 'Yelling at a kid is terrible. Withdrawing and withholding from a kid is worse,' says Durvasula. These children become adults who fear speaking up. "(They think), 'I better not share what I need or I'm going to lose my partner, or if I try to negotiate for a higher salary, this person won't hire me, or if I say how I'm feeling people, will think I'm overly sensitive and dramatic," says Durvasula. First, always consult a mental health professional if you have concerns. Generally, the first step is acknowledging the parent's narcissistic behavior. "What they did wasn't OK, and it hurt you,' says Durvasula. Some children may struggle and feel disloyal, especially if the narcissistic parent had a difficult backstory, such as migration trauma or severe poverty. 'You can be compassionate (toward) their narrative, but what they did was not OK,' says Durvasula. Healing can look different for everyone. It may involve therapy, support groups and lifestyle changes. There's no one-size-fits-all approach for dealing with a narcissistic parent. Some people may not engage at all or limit communication, whereas others adopt coping strategies because they still live with their parents, for example. In any case, Durvasula recommends going into interactions prepared. "Have realistic expectations of this parent, recognize their limitations and interact with them as such." The parent may never apologize or change, but you can control your reactions and set boundaries. Durvasula suggests using a trick she calls narcissist bingo. "Make a bingo card, or write a list, with all the things they do ... whether it's criticism about your job or looks, or gaslighting." Next, decide on a number of bingo spaces they can fill before you disengage. "If you can't get out of the situation, do something else, go to the restroom and splash water on your face, walk to your car, whatever it is to help you regulate," says Durvasula. Finally, it's important to practice self-care and nurture your inner child. This article was originally published on
Daily Mail
07-07-2025
- Daily Mail
Expert reveals chilling theory behind the one question that remains to be answered after Erin Patterson was found guilty of murdering three of her in-laws... 'Why?'
A psychologist has provided a window into the mind of Erin Patterson, who murdered three members of her estranged husband's family with death cap mushrooms. On Monday afternoon, a jury found the mother-of-two killed Don and Gail Patterson, and Gail's sister, Heather Wilkinson, by serving them poisoned beef Wellingtons during a lunch served at her Leongatha home on July 29, 2023. Only Heather's husband, Pastor Ian Wilkinson, survived Patterson's plot and she will also serve a prison sentence for his attempted murder. The burning questions that remains surrounding the case that has gained global attention, is why would Patterson carry out such an act and, less so, why did she think that she could get away with it. Psychologist Mary Hahn-Thomsen has provided her expert opinion, suggesting that Patterson could see the world very differently to most people. 'Though I have not personally assessed Patterson, insight may be gained by considering her world view from the perspective of the narcissist,' she wrote for The Age. 'Most of us start life believing we are the centre of the universe, then through a series of reality checks, we learn we are merely a bit player. 'It's reasonable to consider that Patterson learnt a different lesson – one in which her survival depended on her remaining at the centre of her world with everything and everyone else revolving around her.' She explained that a narcissist craves attention and acceptance but that their view of themselves is so fragile that any potential rejection can brutally shake their sense of self to the core. Patterson attempts to ingratiate herself to her friends and extended family would have been on the surface pleasant but perhaps also tinged with awkwardness and an air of falseness that would have been 'palpable'. She said Patterson's use of 'confabulation' where facts are distorted to suit their beliefs and objectives and well as even all out lying are typical hallmarks of a narcissistic personality. Patterson was so confident she would be found not guilty of murder that she covered her Leongatha home in black plastic tarps for privacy once the trial ended. The black tarps covering her home were installed on June 30 - just one week before the verdict was delivered. Seated at the back of courtroom four of the Supreme Court of Victoria, sitting at the Latrobe Valley Magistrates' Court, Patterson, dressed in a paisley shirt, appeared stunned as her fate was sealed on Monday afternoon. Asked to deliver a verdict, the jury foreperson - one of only five women to sit on the original 15-person panel - simply stated, 'guilty'. The verdict produced an audible gasp from those within the packed courtroom, which included members of the Patterson clan.. She can expect to spend the next decades of her life caged within the walls of Dame Phyllis Frost Centre in Melbourne's west alongside a rogue's gallery of female killers. On her weekly trips back there, Patterson had come to loathe the Chicken Cacciatore meals provided to her en route because the dish 'had mushrooms in it'. Once caged, she can expect to be kept in an isolation cell for her own protection for the foreseeable future due to her high profile and the frailty of her elderly victims. It can now be revealed Patterson's two children had continued to see their mother behind bars while she awaited trial, unwilling to accept she could murder their grandparents and aunt. Patterson could be heard asking about them during breaks in the trial, asking a woman to ensure her now 16-year-old son was given 'extra hugs'. Patterson, who took the stand for eight days during her trial, claimed she had not intentionally poisoned her lunch guests. She claimed deaths of three members of her estranged husband Simon's family were a terrible accident, and she may have accidentally included foraged mushrooms in the meal. Prosecutors laid out an extensive circumstantial case during the trial in Morwell, regional Victoria, to prove the poisoning event was deliberate. This included evidence from sole lunch survivor Ian Wilkinson, who said Patterson had served individual beef Wellingtons to her guests on different plates to her own. The prosecution accused Patterson of telling a series of lies to police, including that she did not forage for mushrooms in the meal and did not own a dehydrator. She lied about it to public health investigators, who were searching to find the source of poisonous mushrooms after Patterson claimed they may be from an Asian store. Patterson lied to doctors, nurses and toxicologists while they were trying to identify why her lunch guests were sick and save their lives at hospital. She revealed for the first time that she enjoyed foraging for wild mushrooms when she was in the witness box, admitting she started mushrooming in 2020 during the pandemic. 'They tasted good and I didn't get sick,' she told the jury about preparing and eating wild fungi for the first time. After hearing more than two months of evidence, a jury of 14 was whittled down to 12 jurors who retired to deliberate on their verdicts one week ago, on June 30. They returned after deliberating for seven days with a four guilty verdicts, convicting the 50-year-old woman of three murders and one attempted murder. Patterson now faces a sentence of up to life in prison. She will return to the court for a pre-sentence hearing later this year.
