Latest news with #openrelationship
Yahoo
17-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
What is ‘compersion' and why are LGBTQ+ folks more likely to experience it? Sex experts explain
When Michelle Visage was asked for the secret to the success of her 28-year marriage, during a guest spot on Cush Jumbo's podcast, she shared a surprising and honest answer: Compersion. She's not alone. A fascinating trend in recent years is the rise in popularity of 'consensual non-monogamy.' According to the 2023 SIA Study, nearly a third (31%) of singles reported having been in a non-monogamous relationship. But what exactly is compersion? And what role does it play in an open and non-monogamous relationship? 'It's commonly referred to as 'the opposite of jealousy,' which is not entirely accurate as both can be felt simultaneously,' Ally Iseman, a queer non-monogamous Certified Relationship Coach and founder of Passport 2 Pleasure, tells PRIDE. 'It is generally used to describe 'experiencing joy or pleasure from one's partner experiencing joy or pleasure with someone else.'' While it does not solely apply to sexual relationships in that context, it 'refers to the vicarious joy and/or the positive attitudes and behaviors one experiences in response to their partner taking pleasure from another relationship,' Dr. Marie Thouin, a leading compersion expert and scholar, and the author of What is Compersion? Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships tells PRIDE. So if you or a partner is curious about exploring an open relationship — or if you already are, and are looking for a word to describe the feeling of joy you already experience simply by witnessing theirs, here's everything you've wanted to know about compersion. Where did the word 'compersion' originate? While the feeling of compersion is timeless, the word itself does have an origin. 'The term compersion was coined and defined in the 1970s by the Kerista community, a San Francisco-based polyamorous group that has since disbanded,' Dr Thouin explains. 'Although polyamorists were the first to coin this term in the English language, the concept had existed long before,' she continues Buddhists had long considered sympathetic joy (referred to as mudita in Sanskrit) to be one of the four qualities of the enlightened person — the other three being loving kindness (metta), compassion (karuna), and equanimity (upeksha).' What does compersion feel like? illustrissima/Shutterstock Like all emotions, there is no one way to feel it. Individuals experience compersion, well, individually. In doing research for their book, Dr. Thouin discovered there were two main categories for how it was experienced. The first, she explains, is 'embodied compersion,' which she says skews more closely to what people picture when they hear the word, says Dr. Thouin. It's 'the empathic, intoxicating joy we might feel when our partner is experiencing a pleasurable connection with someone else. It's an erotic and/or emotional turn on that is felt in the body,' she says, adding that it is often described as a warm and fuzzy, titillating or bubbly feeling. '[My] clients say it's euphoric. Like a rush,' Cheryl Maida, Director of Matchmaking at tells PRIDE. 'They feel genuinely happy watching their partner experience real pleasure. For a few, it's also a major turn-on. Some even described it as incredible foreplay. It's not about being disconnected, it's about being deeply connected and feeling secure.' The second type is 'attitudinal compersion,' which is more of a feeling of support and 'interpretation of our partner's happiness with another person as a positive event, and the supportive behaviors we show towards our partner's other relationship. It involves holding a supportive outlook towards our partner's other dates,' explains Dr. Thoouin. How does compersion differ from empathy? If you're thinking, 'Well, that just sounds a lot like empathy,' you're not wrong. Compersion and empathy are related, but there is a difference, Dr. Thouin says. 'Compersion is a form of empathy focused on positive events and feelings. In most of the psychological literature, empathy is researched from the lens of caring about — or "feeling into" — someone's painful experiences,' she explains. Whereas, 'compersion, on the other hand, is another way to describe 'positive empathy,' or 'vicarious joy.'' Can compersion be beneficial to your relationship? Compersion, it turns out, can be a powerful tool for deepening your bonds in all your relationships, not just romantic ones, because it increases trust and intimacy. 'Whether one is in a consensually non-monogamous relationship — a designation that includes polyamory, open relationships, swinging, relationship anarchy, and other — or not, compersion conveys to another person that we genuinely support them on their chosen path to wellbeing,' says Dr. Thouin. It's a way to genuinely and selflessly grow bonds of trust, Byrd, a queer sex educator with Sex Ed With Byrd, tells PRIDE. '[Because] it reframes your partner's joy as your joy too, rather than a threat or something to be jealous about. It can create more spaciousness for communication and mutual support.' Plus, it opens you up to unique ways to create meaningful memories and experiences, Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at relationship magazine Passionerad, tells PRIDE. 'It not only gets you beautiful moments of shared joy where both of you truly feel great for one of your experiences or achievements, but if your partner gets happy for your sake, it also builds trust and an openness,' she says, and that can only benefit your connection. 'If you feel that your partner wants the best, not only when you are with them, that will make your relationship so much stronger, but also more free, which will increase the chances of you having the best time together.' Do LGBTQ+ people feel compersion more than their straight counterparts? The answer is, seemingly, yes: queer folks are more likely to experience compersion. 'While anyone can experience it, my research showed that a LGBTQ+ identity did positively correlate with compersion,' Dr. Thouin shares. She posits that having already come out as LGBTQ+ made it easier for them to come out as non-monogamous, and they 'typically belonged to more sex-positive and inclusive communities that made compersion more likely to arise.' Byrd also cites that queer communities being more open and less rigid culturally can also lead to a greater frequency of experiencing compersion. 'There's often a cultural openness among LGBTQIA2S+ folks toward exploring love and connection outside rigid norms or societal scripts,' they explain. 'Many of us have had to question societal rules or make up our own, which might make us more willing to embrace compersion. But anyone, regardless of orientation, can feel it!' If compression doesn't come naturally, is it something that can be learned? For some, feelings of compersion arise naturally, while for others, not so much. The question is, though, can you learn to feel it? Is it something that can be fostered and grown? Byrd says, 'Absolutely,' and describes it like building a new muscle. 'Therapy, self-reflection, communication, and mindful reframing help cultivate those feelings over time.' They add the key is to learn how to reframe and redirect feelings of jealousy by refocusing on the joy your partner is feeling. Iseman agrees. 'Compersion itself is an emotional experience. Cultivating the ability to access and feel it more readily is a relationship skill that can be practiced, just like building up the ability to hold the discomfort of jealousy in order to learn from it rather than avoiding it,' she explains. 'If someone is curious to experience it, it can be developed through practice and exposure, but it is by no means required for a successful open relationship.' If it doesn't come naturally, Roos says to be patient with yourself and take your time. 'For many, compersion is an attitude and something you can learn to achieve, but it takes time, especially in a sexual context if you're used to viewing romantic and sexual relationships as monogamous,' she shares. 'It can take time to master also when it comes to other types of situations than just sexual and romantic ones, because so many are used to feeling happiness related to their own success, because we don't really learn to feel happy for others in today's world.' Does the LGBTQ+ community have a unique relationship to compersion? Shawn Goldberg/Shutterstock While all the experts agree that anyone, regardless of sexual identity or gender, can experience compersion, LGBTQ+ people do have a unique relationship to the feeling. That's because our lived experiences are frequently less traditional and more integrated into our chosen communities. 'We challenge the traditional binary and norms,' Anthony Canapi, MA, Gay Matchmaker & LGBTQ+ Dating Expert tells PRIDE. 'Queer folks often grow up without seeing themselves in dominant love stories. So, we write our own, and guess what others do, and it can connect with our own, and for some, compersion follows suit, regardless of whether it is platonic or romantic.' Canapi continues, 'Due to our marginalizations and intersectionality, we hold as LGBTQ2IA people, we see things through a different cultural lens, with care and emotional freedom.' 'Many LGBTQ+ folks build chosen families and community bonds where joy is collective,' adds Byrd. 'There's often a spirit of rooting for each other's happiness, especially in contexts where our relationships have faced external stigma. That solidarity can overlap beautifully with compersion.' Expert cited: Ally Iseman, a queer non-monogamous Certified Relationship Coach and founder of Passport 2 Pleasure Dr. Marie Thouin, a leading compersion expert and scholar, creator of and the author of What is Compersion? Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships Byrd, a queer sex educator with Sex Ed With Byrd Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at relationship magazine Passionerad Anthony Canapi, MA, Gay Matchmaker & LGBTQ+ Dating Expert This article originally appeared on Pride: What is 'compersion' and why are LGBTQ+ folks more likely to experience it? Sex experts explain Solve the daily Crossword
Daily Mail
14-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
EXCLUSIVE Opening up my relationship has only made it stronger... I love helping my fiancé find other girls to sleep with
A woman who decided to open up her relationship has revealed how becoming polyamorous made them even stronger. Cami Strella and her fiancé, Lev Lieben, first got together in 2021 and they started off as monogamous. But two years into their relationship, she decided she wanted to explore her sexual side even further, so she suggested they try having an open relationship. And while she was nervous about allowing her partner to have sex with other women at first, she now believes it has made their relationship even better. Not only are they completely supportive of each other's hookups, but she now 'enjoys' helping Lev find other girls to sleep with and hearing about his sexual endeavors with others. While chatting with the Daily Mail, Cami explained, '[It was a little bit of a difficult adjustment] in the beginning. 'But it was something we honestly both needed based on how both our brains work.' According to Cami, the key to making it work is that they're both 'completely transparent' about their relationships. And she insisted that there is absolutely zero jealousy between them. 'Jealousy stems from a sense of ownership over somebody and we don't play by those rules,' she continued. 'We all (meaning me, Lev, and our other partners) have free will and freedom to do as we please as long as it's safe and involves informed consent (meaning, everyone we are involved with also knows we are polyamorous).' The influencer, who has over 418,000 followers on Instagram, confessed that both of them have 'fallen in love' with other people, but are still fiercely dedicated to each other. They even have a 'shared calendar' to see when each of them have dates or hookups planned with others. 'I'd argue that most monogamous relationships lack a lot of communication and honesty about sexual needs and desires,' she said. 'People tend to be really shy when it comes to talking about sex (even with long time partners!) and being poly for me puts it all right in the open for all of us.' Cami previously told Jam Press that they sometimes share partners, as she likes to sleep with women that Lev says are 'great in bed.' According to Cami, the key to making it work that they're both 'completely transparent' about their relationships. She's seen left with another man and he's seen right with another woman 'I really enjoy helping Lev find dates or hearing about his sex life with others,' she dished. 'A few times, when he's told me a particular woman was great in bed, I've even reached out to them myself – and ended up having sex with them. 'I like sharing Lev because he's an amazing person and I like the idea of other people recognizing this.' Cami told Jam Press that there is 'nothing wrong with their relationship' and that their connection is deeper than ever. 'The sex that Lev and I have is very different to the sex I have with anyone else,' she shared. 'We have a deep connection that has only gotten stronger with time.' She said she hopes by sharing their story online it will open others' eyes to the benefits of polyamorous relationships and help end the stigma around it. 'A lot of people don't realize that this is a way of life or that it's an option they could try, which is why I feel it's important to share our experience,' she explained. 'It is a level of intimacy very few people will ever understand – but for us, it's been incredibly fulfilling. 'It's very normal to feel a bit awkward at first, but once you unbridle yourself from the concept of monogamy, it's really freeing.'
The Sun
01-07-2025
- The Sun
I went through boyfriend's phone and found explicit texts to another woman – how do I regain trust in him?
DEAR DEIDRE: ONE question confirmed what my instincts had told me about my boyfriend – that something was off. Completely out of the blue, he asked if I would ever be in an open relationship. When I questioned why he'd asked me, he claimed he had seen something on social media and wondered what I thought about it. Suspicious, I asked to check his phone, and he immediately became defensive. I am 33 and my boyfriend is 35. We have been together for 12 years and have two children, who are aged ten and nine. A couple of days after he'd asked me about an open relationship, I finally had the opportunity to go through his phone — and found explicit texts sent to another woman. He had clearly met up with her but when I confronted him, he said it had been so brief, it was hardly worth mentioning. Now I'm questioning everything. He won't take responsibility for anything and when I pushed for more answers, he got up and went to a friend's house for the evening. He obviously went to delete all the evidence, which was on social media. When he came home all the messages had disappeared. But he had forgotten to purge his email and I found he had also signed up to a dating site. I created a fake profile and found his. It stated he lived in a shared house and implied he was single. While I am trying my best to get past this and build trust, because he has deleted everything, there is more to this than meets the eye. His betrayal has really hurt me. I am struggling to move past this. How do I regain trust in him? DEIDRE SAYS: Discovering that your partner has cheated can feel like your world has imploded. He is trying to downplay his betrayal but don't let him off the hook. This has deeply hurt you and unless he faces up to his disloyal behaviour, it will be impossible for you to genuinely move on. You still love him, so tell him how you feel and ask him to work on your relationship together. My support pack Cheating, Can you Get Over It? can help. Couple's counselling would also be very helpful but he has to be open and honest about what he did in order for you to be able to move on. Find a counsellor at Tavistock Relationships ( 020 7380 1975). IT'S SO HARD TO COPE WITH DAUGHTER'S MELTDOWNS DEAR DEIDRE: My daughter is showing signs of autism and is on a waiting list to be assessed. I am struggling to cope with the angry outbursts which happen randomly. I am her 35-year-old mum and she is ten. Recently I took her to the doctor, who suggested she might be autistic. This came like a bolt out of the blue. She has had a few behavioural problems, but it didn't really cross my mind that she might be autistic. I love her but sometimes I feel so helpless. My partner, her dad, left us when my daughter was five. When she has a meltdown I struggle because I can't get through to her at all. She can be so difficult, but she is OK at school. My parents work and live miles away. The lack of sleep is making me impatient, and I feel so guilty and a failure. DEIDRE SAYS: You're not a failure. You're doing your best. A diagnosis of autism can come as a shock to most parents at first, and as a single parent you will feel particularly alone, with no one to share it with. When she has a meltdown, stay calm and keep her safe. You can't always prevent meltdowns but letting her wear headphones to listen to calming music, turning down lights, and distraction techniques such as focus toys, may help her. Also, see the National Autistic Society's website for information and support ( I PICKED WRONG EX, NOW I'M ALONE DEAR DEIDRE: LEAVING my girlfriend to get back with my ex-wife has backfired. When I arrived on her doorstep, my ex-wife's face fell and she bluntly told me she had 'company'. She told me there is no chance for us in her mind. I'm 59, she is 57 and we have got two grown-up sons. We grew apart and got into a rut. When I split up with her originally, she was very upset but I stuck to my guns. I moved on quickly and met my girlfriend. She's 54. Things were great between us. But one day we'd both had too much to drink and had a silly fall-out. She kept going on that I still loved my ex-wife. I think I started to believe it. Still, I was so annoyed with my then girlfriend I didn't even bother to try to put things right. Eventually she told me I had given her no choice but to end our relationship. Now my ex-wife won't even have me. I feel like a total fool. DEIDRE SAYS: Being rejected is painful but your ex sounds as though her mind is made up. If she's unwilling to mend things, it's best you try to move on. When either relationship hit challenges you were quick to walk away. If you are going to build a healthy relationship in the future it's important to learn to work through differences. That way you learn from each other. My pack Mend Your Broken Heart will help. DRINKING HABIT RUINING MY LIFE DEAR DEIDRE: WHILE I am not dependent on alcohol, I go on binges that can last up to four days at a time. During them, I don't eat or look after myself. I have been like this since I was 20. I am 35 now. Not a weekend goes by where I don't get completely obliterated with cider or wine. I drink to the point where I black out and have big memory-loss gaps. It is destroying both my physical and mental health. After saying some nasty things to my family while drunk, I have fallen out with them. Despite the fact I didn't mean any of it, they won't forgive me. I am feeling so isolated. Recently I moved to the north of England from Wales and don't know anyone, so I drink to try to make myself feel better and to numb how I am feeling. As I am relatively new to this area, I don't have a GP I can discuss this with. Alcohol also makes me very impulsive. I have little recollection of the things I have done when I come out of a binge. I would love to get sober. I understand the negative impact alcohol has on me but at the same time, it helps me numb the bad way I feel at times. But it is slowly destroying me as a person. DEIDRE SAYS: Now that you have recognised you have a problem, you can really get the support you need. Binge-drinking is particularly dangerous, as you are at risk of a serious accident as well as alcohol poisoning. Find a GP in your area as soon as you can and please be assured there is a lot of help available. We Are With You can assist you with taking your first steps to a healthier and happier lifestyle ( My pack on drinking gives more information and details of other organisations to turn to.
Daily Mail
26-06-2025
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
EXCLUSIVE We're a married couple who have been swinging for eight years - sex with other people has had a 'really strange' effect on our relationship
A married couple who have been swinging for eight years say that sleeping with other people helps them reconnect and have a better sex life. Olivia, 32, and Gage, 34, from Lincoln, had a newfound 'explosion of love' for each other after their first swinging experience and have remained 'madly in love' ever since. The pair first got together when they were teenagers, but it wasn't until five years into their relationship that they decided to discuss having sex with other people. The conversation happened naturally after Gage was interested in hearing whether bi-curious Olivia had been with another woman before. She told MailOnline: 'It was just pillow talk and conversations. 'We were talking about if I had experienced ever being with a woman and I said actually, I have. 'It was a mind-blowing experience and it happened before I was with Gage.' The talk soon turned to swinging, when the couple - who were newly married at the time - agreed that they would try opening up their relationship, together. Gage - who was in the army for 11 years - signed up to a swinging app after his friend recommended it during a night shift. He said: 'We were shocked at how many people were in this lifestyle and do what we do because we had no idea.' Although they had set out to meet a single woman to join them in the bedroom, Gage and Olivia ended up fooling around with a couple, which they say allowed them to connect deeply in their own relationship. The other duo - who was in their area and a similar age - started messaging Gage and Olivia WhatsApp so they could get to know them better. They chatted for six weeks before arranging for Olivia and Gage - who married in 2012 - to come over to their house for 'drinks' and it wasn't long before the group went upstairs for a 'fun time'. Gage said: 'Seeing Olivia with another woman and another guy for the first time - it was a really strange feeling, it's quite a big turn on to see each other with other people.' Olivia - who has 337,000 followers on TikTok - also described being so aroused by their successful first time, that she asked Gage to 'pull over so they could reconnect' during their drive home. Gage said that many people assume that swingers are focused more on sex with other people, when in reality, they are longing to bond further with their partner. He said: 'We never thought we could have another level of love or admiration with each other. That week, I didn't want to go to work, Olivia didn't want to do anything, we just wanted to stay in bed and cuddle and kiss and have sex with one another. 'We thought "Wow, is this actually a thing?" We couldn't wrap our heads around why we felt like this.' Gage said that he and Olivia were going through the 'reconnection period' which is where you experience 'an explosion of love' for your partner after having a swinging session with others. Flight attendant Olivia says she has to battle many misconceptions when it comes to swinging, with people accusing the couple of not being satisfied with each other. However, she says this couldn't be further from the truth. '[They think] we don't love each other, or we want to cheat on each other,' she said. 'There are so many misconceptions but they are all wrong.' Gage added that they often get comments on TikTok or Instagram with users comparing swinging to cheating. He added: [They'll say] "You don't love each other because you wouldn't want to have sex with anybody else" but we always come back and ask whether they've had one night stands with anybody, because if that's the case, they're basically associating love with sex when they're two separate things. 'We've been married for a very long time. We are madly in love with each other and I am obsessed with her.' Another myth about swingers is that they are riddled with STIs, which Gage says is false as they 'test often and we use protection'. He said: 'The truth is that we've never caught one STI in the eight years we've done this. It's normal to send other couples certificates of being all clear before we play.' Olivia said 'vanillas' - people who are monogamous - often think that swingers will sleep with anyone, when in fact, they are pickier than regular people. 'It's because I've got my partner, I've got sex on tap,' she laughed. 'We are very picky, especially if we're doing things together, it has to be right for both of us.' Gage said another misconception is that swingers are 'absolutely sex mad'. He added: 'We are sexual human beings. Vanillas window shop, they have affairs, they'll see someone and wonder what it's like and we recognise that. 'People don't get that we're doing it with consent and not having affairs behind each other's backs.' When asked about jealousy, the pair admitted that they do experience the emotion, but said that it is important how you channel it. Gage likened it to the jealousy he feels when he sees someone else going on holiday, whereas Olivia said: 'I think "That's my husband and she got him but I get to have it all the time and she's lucky she got to experience it".' The married couple also '100 per cent' believe that sex clubs are safer than regular nightclubs because of the level of vetting in place. Olivia said: 'If you want to go to the club you have to have a membership and clubs will interview single guys and they might not give them a membership. 'There's no getting drunk and throwing up, there's nobody starting fights. Everyone knows you have to consent to touching and kissing. Whereas on a normal night out, people can be quite handsy with you. Everyone is so respectful.' But while they're seasoned swingers now, their first time wasn't all smooth sailing as Olivia wanted to back out initially, adding that she found it all 'too weird'. Gage said: 'We were absolutely nervous. I remember we pulled up to this other couple's house and as I pulled on to their drive, Olivia froze with nerves. Our arrangement was that it's just drinks, don't expect anything else but if there is something there, to not rule it out. 'I pulled onto the drive and the other couple saw us through the window and were waving at us. Olivia said "You're going to have to reverse and go home" and I said we couldn't because they had seen us.' And they're glad they didn't, as they now founded a business based on their lifestyle, a swinging app called SwingHub, which now 50,000 verified users. The majority are older Gen Zers and Millenials, with Gage noting that they've seen an increasing level of younger people becoming more sexually free. Gage and Olivia were four years into swinging and had started posting about it online when they muscled up the courage to tell their families. 'We would make up little secrets and tell people were were going to engagement parties or barbeques and try to hide it because it's none of their business,' she said. 'But when we started posting on social media we thought that people we should start telling people but other people tell them.' Gage described being nervous to call up his mother in the fear that she would not accept his lifestyle. But she turned out to be very supportive, telling Gage that she thought their videos were were 'absolutely brilliant', and although some of Olivia's family had questions, they were also accepting. When asked about the only downside to swinging, Olivia said that it can be very expensive and that a weekend can sometimes cost £400 for transport, hotel, the club fees and new lingerie.
Daily Mail
25-06-2025
- Daily Mail
Angry boyfriend went on racist tirade after finding out his girlfriend broke rules of their open relationship by sleeping with black man, court told
A furious boyfriend launched into a racist tirade after discovering his girlfriend had broken their open relationship rules by sleeping with a black man, a court heard. Christopher Dalby and his partner Amber Gilfoy had agreed they could have other partners - but only if she avoided black men, Southampton Crown Court was told. When 47-year-old Dalby found out that she had broken their rule, he went into an expletive-filled racist rant, prosecutors said. Miss Gilfoy was said to have slept with a man named in court only as Mr Marshall. It was heard that Dalby, Miss Gilfoy and her friend Safia Uddin were in a bar named The Social in Southampton about about 10pm one night in August last year when Mr Marshall walked in. Dalby, who had drunk four pints, saw him and began shouting a string of racist slurs and pushed Ms Uddin before being led apart by locals, the trial was told. He also reduced Ms Uddin to tears by hurling anti-South Asian slurs before later sending her abusive Facebook messages, prosecutors said. Dalby, said to suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression, has now admitted the incident left him feeling 'ashamed and embarrassed'. He claimed he had an 'autism meltdown' due to the number of people in the pub. Appearing at the crown court, Dalby pleaded guilty to racially aggravated intentional harassment towards Miss Uddin. He was sentenced to a 12-month community order, with 25 rehabilitation activity requirement (RAR) days - while also ordered to pay a £200 fine. Ms Uddin told in a statement to the court how his treatment of her that evening brought back the trauma of racist taunts she endured in her youth. She said: 'That night changed things for me. 'Being called this took me right back to a place as a scared child. I immediately broke down in tears.' Lisa Bowles, defending Dalby who now lives in Ash in Surrey, said: 'He says he is absolutely mortified. He is ashamed and embarrassed.' Judge Dan Pawson-Pounds told the defendant: 'It is clear that your actions took her back to a time she had experienced racism as a child. 'She describes her sense of shame and embarrassment. 'I am not impressed with your argument that her actions left you no choice - that is nonsense. 'I have given you a chance to make sure this doesn't happen again. 'I am satisfied you will take that chance - don't make the court look foolish.'
