Latest news with #parentingexperts
Yahoo
11-08-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Are Rewards for Children Actually Harmful?
The anti-reward movement seems to be growing... but is it really backed by research? Sticker charts, earning something special for 'good behavior,' and paying children an allowance for completing chores have long been common practice among parents. Yet, in recent years, these type of reward systems have come under attack by many parenting influencers and experts. In the world of 'gentle parenting,' rewards for behavior are a big no-no. Dr. Becky, Big Little Feelings, Janet Lansbury, and many other popular parenting influencers advise parents to avoid rewarding their children— even claiming that rewards can be disrespectful or damaging for children. As Dr. Becky says, 'we are raising humans, not training animals.' Yet, at the same time, most child psychologists advocate that parents use rewards and most evidence-based parenting programs include the use of a reward system. Interestingly enough, both sides claim that their position is backed by research. So why is the advice of parenting influencers so different from child psychologists and how can both sides claim to have research on their side? What does research really find about rewards? The Anti-Reward Movement The crusade against rewards was initially spearheaded by author and gentle parenting icon, Alfie Kohn. [An interesting side note is that Alfie Kohn also led the crusade against the phrase 'good job'.] In 1993, Alfie Kohn wrote a book titled Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes. In this book, Kohn claims that rewards are 'useless' and 'counterproductive' because rewards ultimately make children lose interest in what you are rewarding them for and they become motivated only by the reward rather than the task itself. In other words, he argued that when you provide external motivation (such as rewards) children lose internal or intrinsic motivation. According to this line of thinking, rewarding children for cleaning their rooms could prevent them from developing an internal drive to take care of their spaces and, perhaps more importantly, from grasping the ethical importance of contributing to the household in a meaningful way. According to Kohn, rewards result in short-term gain in exchange for long-term damage to motivation, creativity, learning, achievement, and even moral development. So are these claims backed by research? What Does the Actual Research Say? The confusion around rewards make sense because at an initial glance the research itself is confusing. Some research has backed up the claims of Alfie Kohn and the parenting influencers, finding that rewards decrease intrinsic motivation (translation: rewards make children lose interest in the task or behavior that you are rewarding and they become less likely to engage in it when you take your reward away). Yet, some research finds that rewards increase intrinsic motivation (translation: rewards actually make children more likely to do the task or behavior you are rewarding them for, even after you take the reward away). A closer examination of the research reveals a pattern— rewards intrinsic motivation for an activity that a child already enjoys (such as drawing) but intrinsic motivation for an activity that a child doesn't already enjoy (such as cleaning their room). Even for tasks that a child already enjoys, rewards may only decrease intrinsic motivation if they are tangible (that is, a reward you can touch such as candy, stickers, or money). This is a really important distinction because it really only makes sense that parents would reward children for activities that children don't already enjoy and aren't motivated to do on their own. For example, if your child really enjoys taking a bath and they eagerly get in the bath every night, you wouldn't think to set up a reward system for taking a bath. However, if your child hates taking a bath and it is a fight every night, a reward system might be just what you need. Translation: Research suggests that you don't really have to worry about rewarding your child for the types of tasks you would typically set up a reward system for (that is, the tasks they aren't doing on their own). For activities your child isn't already doing on their own, rewards may help to 'jumpstart' intrinsic motivation. How this works is that rewards get the child to engage in something they may not have without the reward and eventually they start to see the intrinsic motivation. Going back to the bath example— your child may initially hate bathing and only take a bath to get a reward. Yet, when they start taking a bath every night, they may start enjoying the calming experience of the bath in their bedtime routine and the feeling of being clean. Eventually they love bathing for bathing's sake and, just like that, they have developed the intrinsic motivation to take a bath. Another example— your child may not be initially motivated to have a clean room but if you give them rewards for cleaning their room, they may start to realize that they like being able to easily walk around their room and find everything they need and they may start to enjoy the sense of accomplishment they get from cleaning their room. Ultimately, they become intrinsically motivated to keep their room clean. You can eventually fade out the rewards as the activity itself becomes intrinsically rewarding. There is also no doubt that rewards have other benefits above and beyond increasing intrinsic motivation such as encouraging persistence and improving children's control over their own behavior. In addition, parenting training programs that use reward systems have been found to have significant and long-lasting positive impacts on children's behavior and the parent-child relationship. An Important Exception… There is some evidence that providing tangible rewards for social behavior, such as helping others or sharing, may undermine intrinsic motivation (that is, make children less likely to want to help others or share in the future). This makes sense since these types of social behaviors should be rewarding in themselves. Intangible rewards such as praise or positive attention do not seem to have the same impact and parents should feel free to use praise and positive attention for any social behavior they would like to see more often ('I noticed that you shared your toys with your friend'). Bribes Versus Rewards Many parents have heard that they should not bribe their children. But what exactly is a bribe and how is it different from a reward? A bribe is when a parent promises a reward to stop 'bad' behavior. For example, if your child is hitting their sibling in the backseat and you say: 'If you leave your sister alone, then we can go get ice cream'. A reward on the other hand would be offered in the absence of 'bad' behavior . Bribes are a problem because they are actually rewarding the 'bad' behavior because your child may learn that if they engage in that behavior, you will reward them to stop doing it which indirectly rewards the 'bad' behavior. What About Children with ADHD? It is also important to note that reward systems may be particularly effective with children with ADHD. However, research also shows that children with ADHD may respond more positively to smaller, more immediate rewards than larger delayed rewards. Overall Translation Using rewards with children may have many positive impacts and we have no consistent evidence of negative impacts (with the very important exception of using rewards for tasks your child is already motivated to complete or positive social behavior like sharing or helping). More research is needed but the research we do have gives parents some guidance. Here are some evidence-based tips for using rewards with children in a way that does not decrease intrinsic motivation and may actually improve your child's behavior: Avoid using rewards for tasks your child already enjoys or is already motivated to do. For example, if your child is very motivated to be potty-trained and interested in using the potty, you may not want to use rewards. However, if your child does not seem motivated or interested, rewards may be essential. A good rule of thumb is whether they are doing the task without you asking them to do it. Avoid using rewards for any type of social interaction (such as sharing, playing nicely with siblings, or helping others). These activities should be enjoyable and motivating in themselves. However, praising and giving positive attention to these behaviors can be very effective and should not impact intrinsic motivation. Base rewards on the child's performance. Decide in advance which specific behaviors you will reward and only reward those behaviors. If rewards are given willy-nilly, they lose their meaning. Reward your child immediately and consistently after the behavior. Rewards need to be immediate and consistent or children will not link the behavior to the reward. Research also finds that immediate rewards tend to increase intrinsic motivation more than delayed rewards. Don't use bribes. In other words, don't use rewards to stop 'bad' behavior or your child may ultimately link the reward to that behavior. Find the system that works best for you and stick to it. Some parents prefer a sticker chart, some prefer tally marks on a piece of paper, some prefer apps (I personally love and use the app Stellar). Go through some trial and error to find out what system you can use consistently and seems to be the most motivating to your child. You may have to use concrete and immediate rewards for children who are three or younger (this is very important to remember if you are considering using rewards for potty training). Gradually stop using rewards when they are no longer necessary. There isn't research specifically informing when and how parents should fade rewards so pay attention to your child and notice when the reward seems less and less important and gradually phase it out. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
11-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Chalk, a squirt gun, and 18 minutes of peace: A mom's low-key win goes viral
Picture this: A tired mom emerges from the garage, National Geographic narrator voice engaged, 'From the garage, she tosses out a weathered bucket. Two pieces of chalk, and a water squirter. The ancient ritual begins: 'Go paint the driveway.'' The tweet from user @GigaBasedDad humorously documented a mom's brilliantly minimalistic tactic for achieving a coveted sliver of peace… exactly 18 minutes, to be precise. It wasn't a Pinterest-perfect craft or a detailed summer itinerary. It was lo-fi parenting at its absolute finest. Alright moms, chime inIs this what happens when summer starts? ð — Giga Based Dad (@GigaBasedDad) July 6, 2025 As hilarious and relatable as the tweet is, it touches on a deeper conversation resonating with exhausted moms everywhere. Because let's face it, summer parenting burnout is real. Between feeling pressured to keep kids entertained every waking second and battling our own perfectionist tendencies, the mental load feels heavier than ever. But what if the solution wasn't more planning, crafting, or scheduled activities? What if the solution was, simply, chalk and a squirt gun? Related: A 'lazy parent summer' is the only way I want to summer Lo-fi parenting, embracing unstructured, low-maintenance play, is gaining momentum among parents who are realizing it's not just about their own sanity, but also about giving their kids essential tools for development. Child experts agree: free play encourages creativity, problem-solving, and emotional intelligence. It's not lazy; it's foundational. Yet, even in these seemingly effortless parenting moments, judgment can creep in. The comments under the original tweet reveal exactly that. One commenter, @Angela Dawn, said, 'No way. This makes me so sad. I homeschool, but I have always loved having all of the kids home, neighbor kids, everyone! I think my kids have kept me energetic and motivated.' Related: Summer is here—and so is my mom guilt It's time to redefine what a successful summer looks like. Lo-fi days aren't a sign of failure, they're evidence of parents creating space for their kids to flourish independently. Chalk, water play, and driveway games? These activities hold the potential for imaginative worlds and genuine joy. So next time the mom-guilt creeps in or you feel tempted to over-plan, remember the mom who tossed out chalk and a squirt gun and found not only peace but validation in the simplicity. We're all doing the best we can, and sometimes, less truly is more.
Yahoo
20-06-2025
- Lifestyle
- Yahoo
What's your parenting style? Waffler or wimp or something else entirely?
You may not know this, but there are different parenting styles and they have their own official names. You're probably concerned about your own style, which you should be (because one day, your children will say you picked the wrong one). Also, labeling things is important. The best parenting style is the one that doesn't involve manual labor or time away from binge watching shows about cheating spouses. According to parenting experts, who spend all day long making up things and changing them, there are three main types: Mob Boss ('authoritarian'), Waffler ('authoritative') and Wimp ('permissive'). If you only stick to one style, everyone in the house will become bored. So, if you've allowed your kids to skip school and go to the horse track (Wimp), demand that they perform feats of strength later at the dinner table (Mob Boss.). Before allowing a play date at someone else's house and witnessing the wrong parenting style, remember: you don't want your kids to learn about free will. Sneak into the home to spy first. Don't be judgy, but if the worst is true, keep your kid out of there. Here are some other highly recommended and ground-breaking parenting styles, below, that scientists will publish in a prestigious academic journal soon or possibly never. It might help to read this list, because licensed mental health professionals say that being self-aware is healthy. I have no idea why, but it sounds impressive. Zen Parent: 'You do you, dear,' as the child hurls a large toy truck at the TV. Hysterical Parent: 'I'll hurl this knife into my chest if you don't eat that broccoli.' Touchy Parent: 'Did that sneeze mean that you plan to run away after getting together the money for a bus ticket?' Guilt-Trip Parent: 'How could you not like my homemade pureed carrots? I skipped bowling night to make them. If you're not answering because you're a 6-month-old baby, I'm still hurt by your behavior.' Well-Bred Parent: 'You didn't say 'excuse me' for that burp, after you stole the lighter fluid and torched the house. Being tired is no excuse for bad manners.' Demanding Parent: 'You scratched your tricycle; you buff it.' Bear Hug Parent: 'Get over here, you big, lovable goons,' after their sixth public tantrum that day. Overcompensating Parent: 'You can have my new car,' after failing to produce suitable candy during mid-afternoon snack time. Breaking and Entering Parent: You snuck into their bedroom to crack open the windows, due to the smell. Unfortunately, they'd installed a surveillance camera. Now they've initiated a room cleaning strike and will never trust you again. In this case, you might need a new parenting style. Pam J. Hecht is a writer, instructor and mother of two (but not necessarily in that order). Reach her at pamjh8@ or This article originally appeared on Greenville News: The Funny Business of Parenting – Are you THAT kind of parent?
Yahoo
11-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
When I became a parent, I was rigid with my parenting style. Now that I have 3 kids, I've learned to be more flexible.
When I first became a parent, I thought there was just one "right" way to parent. Now that I have three kids, I've become more flexible in my parenting style. I respond based on the individual child and situation. When I became a mother, I devoured parenting books, hoping to find the "right" way to raise my child. After all, there are myriad parenting experts out there, and they all seem to promise that, with the correct techniques, parenting can be as simple as following a formula. And, to be fair, each of these methods did help in its own way. But, 13 years and three kids later, I've learned that my most effective parenting style isn't a formula at all. It's more like a flexible flow state, adapting to each situation — and each kid — as necessary. In the early years, when I still thought there was one "right" way to do things, my first baby made me feel like a parenting prodigy. Early on, she was sleeping through the night, eating well, and was just generally easygoing. Naturally, I chalked up this temperament to my diligent following of expert advice and congratulated myself on learning how to be an excellent mother. Then my second baby arrived and blew that theory to pieces. What worked for my first didn't work at all for my second. Techniques I'd previously sworn by, like Dr. Harvey Karp's "5 S's" for soothing babies, only left my new baby shrieking louder. And nothing humbles you faster than an inconsolable newborn who refuses to be soothed by a checklist. So I went back to the drawing board, fumbling my way through the early days of parenting and following my son's cues to learn what settled him instead. It was deflating, but it also taught me a great lesson in parenting early on: no two children are alike, and parenting strategies need to bend with them. By the time our third child was born, I had zero expectations. I had a full toolbelt of ideas, thanks to all that reading I had done and the five years of parenting experience I had gained, but no illusions that any one approach would work universally. This flexibility made me a calmer, more responsive parent. And not just during the baby years. As our kids grew, it became even more obvious that each one handled the world differently. I had also learned that, just like soothing techniques needed to vary, so does emotional support. One of our children wants a quiet space to process big feelings; another needs immediate hugs and reassurance. The third is somewhere in between. And this continues to change as they get older. We have learned to remain adaptable to what they need at any given age or situation based on what we see, rather than a set of steps. Over time, I found that focusing too much on any specific parenting philosophy left me feeling more prescriptive instead of supportive. If I spent too much energy worrying about how a "gentle parent" would respond, I wasn't truly paying attention to what my child needed in that particular moment. Parenting through a rigid script generally ended in frustration for all of us, but parenting through presence was a different story. It helped us feel more connected and generally resolved the issue more quickly. Not to mention, as anyone who has been around kids quickly realizes, following anything rigidly is difficult. These days, I'm less interested in labeling my parenting style and more focused on being the parent my kids need in that specific moment. Parenting, for me, isn't about finding the "right" system to follow. Instead, it's been about flexibility, paying attention to my kids, and meeting them where they are, with whatever patience, curiosity, and compassion I have in that moment. It may not always be perfect, but it feels just right. Read the original article on Business Insider
