What's your parenting style? Waffler or wimp or something else entirely?

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3 days ago

You may not know this, but there are different parenting styles and they have their own official names. You're probably concerned about your own style, which you should be (because one day, your children will say you picked the wrong one). Also, labeling things is important.
The best parenting style is the one that doesn't involve manual labor or time away from binge watching shows about cheating spouses. According to parenting experts, who spend all day long making up things and changing them, there are three main types: Mob Boss ('authoritarian'), Waffler ('authoritative') and Wimp ('permissive').
If you only stick to one style, everyone in the house will become bored. So, if you've allowed your kids to skip school and go to the horse track (Wimp), demand that they perform feats of strength later at the dinner table (Mob Boss.).
Before allowing a play date at someone else's house and witnessing the wrong parenting style, remember: you don't want your kids to learn about free will. Sneak into the home to spy first. Don't be judgy, but if the worst is true, keep your kid out of there.
Here are some other highly recommended and ground-breaking parenting styles, below, that scientists will publish in a prestigious academic journal soon or possibly never. It might help to read this list, because licensed mental health professionals say that being self-aware is healthy. I have no idea why, but it sounds impressive.
Zen Parent: 'You do you, dear,' as the child hurls a large toy truck at the TV.
Hysterical Parent: 'I'll hurl this knife into my chest if you don't eat that broccoli.'
Touchy Parent: 'Did that sneeze mean that you plan to run away after getting together the money for a bus ticket?'
Guilt-Trip Parent: 'How could you not like my homemade pureed carrots? I skipped bowling night to make them. If you're not answering because you're a 6-month-old baby, I'm still hurt by your behavior.'
Well-Bred Parent: 'You didn't say 'excuse me' for that burp, after you stole the lighter fluid and torched the house. Being tired is no excuse for bad manners.'
Demanding Parent: 'You scratched your tricycle; you buff it.'
Bear Hug Parent: 'Get over here, you big, lovable goons,' after their sixth public tantrum that day.
Overcompensating Parent: 'You can have my new car,' after failing to produce suitable candy during mid-afternoon snack time.
Breaking and Entering Parent: You snuck into their bedroom to crack open the windows, due to the smell. Unfortunately, they'd installed a surveillance camera. Now they've initiated a room cleaning strike and will never trust you again. In this case, you might need a new parenting style.
Pam J. Hecht is a writer, instructor and mother of two (but not necessarily in that order). Reach her at [e-mail] or pamjhecht.com.
This article originally appeared on Greenville News: The Funny Business of Parenting – Are you THAT kind of parent?