17 hours ago
You're not really mad at the Bezos, Sánchez luxury Venice wedding. You're just poor.
It's outrageous to suggest income inequality is a thing when a perfectly nice billionaire who might one day give his delivery drivers time to pee is out here planning a celebrity-studded event.
Billionaire Amazon founder Jeff Bezos (handsome) and broadcaster Lauren Sánchez (beautiful) absolutely deserve to have a glorious and uncriticized luxury wedding in Venice on this last weekend in June, and I'm not just saying that because Bezos paid me $1 million.
The internet has been ablaze lately with gripes and complaints about this lovely couple's planned nuptials, which are estimated to cost upwards of a totally reasonable $35 million, none of which is going to me in exchange for defending the tech billionaire and arguing he is awesome and above reproach.
It's as if people who can't afford a $500 million yacht on which to have a pre-Venice wedding foam party think it's wrong for the world's third-richest person to lavishly celebrate his second marriage when, according to the Rome-based United Nations World Food Programme, 'A total of 1.9 million people are in the grips of catastrophic hunger.'
It's rude to make Bezos think about inequality on his wedding weekend
If I were Mr. Bezos, I'd hop in one of my rockets and fly the more than 300 miles from Venice to Rome just to give those bullies at the World Food Programme a piece of my mind, and definitely not something like a donation at least equal to twice the cost of my wedding.
It's outrageous to suggest income inequality is a thing when a perfectly nice billionaire who might one day give his delivery drivers time to pee is out here planning a celebrity-studded three-day event showcasing a lifestyle few could imagine. Which part of 'this is his special weekend' do you not understand?, I ask while not checking my previously empty bank account to make sure Bezos has deposited the money I'm not being paid.
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Those mad at Bezos' wedding haven't been paid $1 million to not be mad
The reality is this, which I'm pretty sure is in the Bible: People who already have nice things deserve more nice things. And I'm not just saying that because I currently use Scotch tape for wound care and Bezos has promised me a lifetime supply of Band-Aids from Amazon.
Rude nonbillionaire protesters went so far as to unfurl a massive banner in St. Mark's Square in Venice that read: 'IF YOU CAN RENT VENICE FOR YOUR WEDDING YOU CAN PAY MORE TAX.'
While that is technically true thanks to the tyranny of math, it's an outrageous and hurtful thing to suggest about a noble and fantastic man who has in no way purchased my praise.
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Just because a multibillionaire doesn't need multibillions and could devote a large swath of his wealth to making the world a better place without impacting his lavish lifestyle even a little … I forgot where I was going with that. The overarching point is, 'Shut up, protesters! That banner might have hurt Mr. Bezos' feelings, and I will defend his feelings at any cost, or, more specifically, at the cost of the $1 million I was DEFINITELY NOT given to write this.'
Bezos-Sánchez wedding will be perfect, just like my free yacht
Some are looking at the sure-to-be wondrous and totally justified Bezos-Sánchez wedding and decrying the rise of oligarchs. But I ask you, if we didn't have oligarchs, wouldn't we have to remove that word from all the world's dictionaries and rewrite books like F. Scott Fitzgerald's 'The Great Gatsby' and Upton Sinclair's 'The Jungle'?
Do you know what it would cost to fix all that? Probably less than the Bezos-Sánchez wedding, but still … a lot.
So when you look at photos of celebrities like Oprah or Kim Kardashian or Ivanka Trump snacking on Venetian crostinis topped with lightly braised Amazon-worker meat, or when you feel inclined to envision the good that could come from such wasted largesse, I implore you to cram it and get back to your poor, wretched life.
And so help me, I'm not just saying that because Bezos promised me a mega yacht he's no longer using, $1 million and an Amazon Prime Video licensed documentary about my life of impeccable integrity.
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