Latest news with #reparenting
New York Times
10-07-2025
- Health
- New York Times
Can ‘Reparenting' Yourself Make You Happier?
Laura Wells, 54, a fitness coach in Fort Worth, Texas, felt silly when she first tried giving herself a hug. Then, she realized, 'it really helps.' It's one of the ways that she is attempting to 'reparent' herself — by meeting emotional needs that she says were neglected during her childhood. The idea of reparenting has been around for decades, but the practice has flourished in recent years as interest in trauma-informed therapy has soared. It is now the subject of books, podcasts and TikTok hashtags. In reparenting, the patient is empowered to find their hurt 'inner child' and help it feel loved so that they can develop a stronger sense of self and better relationships with others. It's not an easy process. 'I'm always telling people, reparenting your inner child is messy and uncomfortable and awkward,' said Nicole Johnson, a licensed professional counselor in Boise, Idaho and the author of a new book on the topic. But when her clients acknowledge their pain and view it through the lens of their younger selves, she said, they tend to have more self-compassion and gradually drop the coping mechanisms from their childhood that are no longer helpful. Where did the concept come from? Reparenting originated in the 1960s, when the therapist Jacqui Schiff encouraged her patients with schizophrenia to live with her and then regress back to childhood. She assumed the role of a caregiver and cradled her clients, even asking them to wear diapers and feeding them bottles. Initially, Ms. Schiff was widely admired for her unconventional methods, which she claimed could 'cure' schizophrenia. Then a patient died while under her care. She was later found guilty of ethics violations and her techniques were widely criticized and condemned as an abuse of power. In the 1970s, reparenting was reimagined by the psychotherapist Muriel James. She believed it should be a self-directed pursuit where the patient, not the therapist, played the role of a loving parent to their inner child. This is the version of reparenting that is most accepted and practiced today. Jordan Bate, an associate professor of clinical psychology at Yeshiva University, said that reparenting resonates with people because it offers a language for talking about how past experiences shape the way we feel now, and highlights the ways in which defense mechanisms are used to navigate pain. What, exactly, is your inner child? The idea that we all have an inner child dates back nearly 100 years. The concept is often credited to the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, who once wrote that inside every adult 'lurks a child — an eternal child, something that is always becoming, is never completed, and calls for unceasing care, attention and education.' But it can also be partly attributed to Sigmund Freud, who emphasized the lasting effects of childhood, and to the clinicians behind attachment theory, who suggested that early emotional bonds with caregivers shape who we become later on. The self-help evangelist John Bradshaw helped popularize the phrase 'inner child' in the 1990s. He argued that physical or emotional abuse or neglect during childhood can create lasting emotional wounds, leading to feelings of shame, self-blame and guilt that have become the 'major source of human misery.' As a result, adults may have difficulty forming healthy relationships, engage in self-destructive behavior or develop a harsh inner critic. At the time, some experts viewed Mr. Bradshaw with skepticism or equated his work with pop psychology. He was even parodied in an episode of ''The Simpsons.' Today, therapists sometimes invoke the inner child as a conversational tool to help their patients process thoughts, experiences and feelings from childhood that they are carrying into adulthood. The inner child symbolizes the parts of the self that were 'not safe to show' during childhood and the 'feelings that were not allowed to be expressed,' Dr. Bate said. Reparenting isn't the only technique that people can use to explore their inner child. Other options include cognitive behavioral therapy, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy, hypnosis and Internal Family Systems. What does reparenting look like? Some reparenting strategies can be tackled independently, but Dr. Bate said it's best to seek help from a therapist because exploring unmet needs from childhood can lead to grief, anger, shame and loneliness. In some cases, therapists might ask patients to imagine interacting with their younger selves and think about what that child is feeling and what they might want to hear in that moment. Or patients may write letters to their younger selves to validate the pain that they experienced in the past, and practice treating themselves with more kindness. If a person is speaking to themselves harshly or overreacting, just like their parent used to do, a therapist can help them change that behavior. Experts said to keep in mind that reparenting is a technique, not a stand-alone therapy. It's also not a simple fix, so people should not assume 'all I have to do is talk to myself in a kinder, calmer way,' said Erin Hambrick, a researcher and therapist focused on childhood trauma in Kansas City, Mo. For Ms. Wells, reparenting has been helpful. Before she started it a couple of years ago, she said, she was a perfectionist and a people pleaser who equated emotions with weakness. To avoid getting hurt by others, she relied only on herself. 'There was the me that was put into place to protect me, but also kept me from opening up to anybody,' she said. 'And now there's the real me,' she added, 'that is learning how to experience life.'
Yahoo
10-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
You've become the parent you always needed. Why that's so bittersweet — and how to work through it.
In between the chaos and the joy of parenting is something that doesn't typically come up in everyday conversation: The ability to break cycles and rewrite the script by becoming the parent you needed as a child. There's healing in that, but also a surprising amount of grief when it hits you that no one did this for you growing up. So many parents, whether they realize it or not, are reparenting themselves while raising their own kids. In the seventh episode of their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings, Big Little Feelings founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education, wade into some emotionally deep waters: How do you handle the complex emotions that come up when you realize you're giving your child something you wish your own parents had been able to give you? Margolin shares her advice for navigating these hard moments for Yahoo's "" column. There's a part of parenting we don't talk about enough: the part where you finally become the parent you always needed — and it feels both healing and heartbreaking at the same time. When you sit on the floor during your child's meltdown, stay calm and choose connection over control, it's beautiful. But sometimes, in that quiet moment, a whisper sneaks in: Damn. No one ever did this for me. That ache? That's grief. And it can catch you off guard because parenting isn't just about raising your child. It's also about meeting the parts of you that were never held, never heard, never safe. It's realizing you are actively giving your child something you didn't get — and that's complicated. There's healing in it. There's power in it. But there's also a sadness — a soft, quiet grief for your own younger self. And here's the thing most people miss: Both can be true and exist at once. You can grieve and still keep going. You can feel sad and still show up. You can hurt and still heal. This is what cycle breaking actually looks like. It's not picture-perfect parenting. It's not always feeling good. It's staying in the game even when your heart aches. Because every time you pause, take a breath and choose connection? You're not just parenting your child. You're reparenting yourself. You're sending a message back through time: 'You deserved this kind of love too.' 'Of course this is hard. I'm giving what I never got.' (Naming why it's hard softens the shame.) 'It's OK to grieve the love I needed and still give the love they need.' (Holding grief and giving at the same time.) 'I am building something no one built for me.' (Validates the bravery and the weight of cycle breaking.) 'I am loving them the way I always deserved to be loved.' (Connects the action to your inner child directly.) 'I'm not just raising them. I'm raising me, too.' (Powerful reframe that honors reparenting as an active process.) 'This is the part where I get to become who I needed.' (Invites empowerment and possibility in the grief moment.) It's made me a softer, more compassionate and more self-aware version of myself. I am allowed to feel sad, mad, frustrated and scared. It doesn't make me weak, it makes me human. And the more I've embraced my own emotions, needs and imperfections, the happier, more loving and more patient I've become as a parent. Learning how to show up for little me has helped me show up for them. If I could whisper one thing to my younger self, it would be this: You were never too much. You were just waiting for someone who could handle your big feelings with love, understanding and safety. And now? That someone is me. And maybe that's the most powerful part: Becoming the parent you always needed doesn't erase what you went through, but it does create something your child — and your inner child — can stand on. Something solid. Something safe. Something better. Not perfect. Just brave. One moment at a time.
Yahoo
09-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
You've become the parent you always needed. Why that's so bittersweet — and how to work through it.
In between the chaos and the joy of parenting is something that doesn't typically come up in everyday conversation: The ability to break cycles and rewrite the script by becoming the parent you needed as a child. There's healing in that, but also a surprising amount of grief when it hits you that no one did this for you growing up. So many parents, whether they realize it or not, are reparenting themselves while raising their own kids. In the seventh episode of their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings, Big Little Feelings founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education, wade into some emotionally deep waters: How do you handle the complex emotions that come up when you realize you're giving your child something you wish your own parents had been able to give you? Margolin shares her advice for navigating these hard moments for Yahoo's "" column. There's a part of parenting we don't talk about enough: the part where you finally become the parent you always needed — and it feels both healing and heartbreaking at the same time. When you sit on the floor during your child's meltdown, stay calm and choose connection over control, it's beautiful. But sometimes, in that quiet moment, a whisper sneaks in: Damn. No one ever did this for me. That ache? That's grief. And it can catch you off guard because parenting isn't just about raising your child. It's also about meeting the parts of you that were never held, never heard, never safe. It's realizing you are actively giving your child something you didn't get — and that's complicated. There's healing in it. There's power in it. But there's also a sadness — a soft, quiet grief for your own younger self. And here's the thing most people miss: Both can be true and exist at once. You can grieve and still keep going. You can feel sad and still show up. You can hurt and still heal. This is what cycle breaking actually looks like. It's not picture-perfect parenting. It's not always feeling good. It's staying in the game even when your heart aches. Because every time you pause, take a breath and choose connection? You're not just parenting your child. You're reparenting yourself. You're sending a message back through time: 'You deserved this kind of love too.' 'Of course this is hard. I'm giving what I never got.' (Naming why it's hard softens the shame.) 'It's OK to grieve the love I needed and still give the love they need.' (Holding grief and giving at the same time.) 'I am building something no one built for me.' (Validates the bravery and the weight of cycle breaking.) 'I am loving them the way I always deserved to be loved.' (Connects the action to your inner child directly.) 'I'm not just raising them. I'm raising me, too.' (Powerful reframe that honors reparenting as an active process.) 'This is the part where I get to become who I needed.' (Invites empowerment and possibility in the grief moment.) It's made me a softer, more compassionate and more self-aware version of myself. I am allowed to feel sad, mad, frustrated and scared. It doesn't make me weak, it makes me human. And the more I've embraced my own emotions, needs and imperfections, the happier, more loving and more patient I've become as a parent. Learning how to show up for little me has helped me show up for them. If I could whisper one thing to my younger self, it would be this: You were never too much. You were just waiting for someone who could handle your big feelings with love, understanding and safety. And now? That someone is me. And maybe that's the most powerful part: Becoming the parent you always needed doesn't erase what you went through, but it does create something your child — and your inner child — can stand on. Something solid. Something safe. Something better. Not perfect. Just brave. One moment at a time.
