You've become the parent you always needed. Why that's so bittersweet — and how to work through it.

Yahoo

09-07-2025

In between the chaos and the joy of parenting is something that doesn't typically come up in everyday conversation: The ability to break cycles and rewrite the script by becoming the parent you needed as a child. There's healing in that, but also a surprising amount of grief when it hits you that no one did this for you growing up. So many parents, whether they realize it or not, are reparenting themselves while raising their own kids.
In the seventh episode of their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings, Big Little Feelings founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education, wade into some emotionally deep waters: How do you handle the complex emotions that come up when you realize you're giving your child something you wish your own parents had been able to give you? Margolin shares her advice for navigating these hard moments for Yahoo's "" column.
There's a part of parenting we don't talk about enough: the part where you finally become the parent you always needed — and it feels both healing and heartbreaking at the same time.
When you sit on the floor during your child's meltdown, stay calm and choose connection over control, it's beautiful. But sometimes, in that quiet moment, a whisper sneaks in: Damn. No one ever did this for me.
That ache? That's grief. And it can catch you off guard because parenting isn't just about raising your child. It's also about meeting the parts of you that were never held, never heard, never safe. It's realizing you are actively giving your child something you didn't get — and that's complicated. There's healing in it. There's power in it. But there's also a sadness — a soft, quiet grief for your own younger self.
And here's the thing most people miss: Both can be true and exist at once. You can grieve and still keep going. You can feel sad and still show up. You can hurt and still heal. This is what cycle breaking actually looks like. It's not picture-perfect parenting. It's not always feeling good. It's staying in the game even when your heart aches.
Because every time you pause, take a breath and choose connection? You're not just parenting your child. You're reparenting yourself. You're sending a message back through time: 'You deserved this kind of love too.'
'Of course this is hard. I'm giving what I never got.' (Naming why it's hard softens the shame.)
'It's OK to grieve the love I needed and still give the love they need.' (Holding grief and giving at the same time.)
'I am building something no one built for me.' (Validates the bravery and the weight of cycle breaking.)
'I am loving them the way I always deserved to be loved.' (Connects the action to your inner child directly.)
'I'm not just raising them. I'm raising me, too.' (Powerful reframe that honors reparenting as an active process.)
'This is the part where I get to become who I needed.' (Invites empowerment and possibility in the grief moment.)
It's made me a softer, more compassionate and more self-aware version of myself. I am allowed to feel sad, mad, frustrated and scared. It doesn't make me weak, it makes me human. And the more I've embraced my own emotions, needs and imperfections, the happier, more loving and more patient I've become as a parent. Learning how to show up for little me has helped me show up for them.
If I could whisper one thing to my younger self, it would be this: You were never too much. You were just waiting for someone who could handle your big feelings with love, understanding and safety. And now? That someone is me.
And maybe that's the most powerful part: Becoming the parent you always needed doesn't erase what you went through, but it does create something your child — and your inner child — can stand on. Something solid. Something safe. Something better.
Not perfect. Just brave. One moment at a time.