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Yahoo
a day ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Logging off helped me orgasm for the first time
When I look back at pictures of myself in my early 20s, I see a confident young woman who was willing to talk about anything with anyone. But behind closed doors, I was hiding a secret shame that totally contradicted my public brand. I couldn't orgasm — not with a partner, not on my own. There had been fleeting attempts over the years to get the ol' engine rolling. I thought I could reason my way to climax: the internet, with its endless resources in the form of Reddit threads, message boards, and YouTube videos, seemed like the place to go. I turned online for information, emotional (first-person narratives from others who struggled) and practical (sex toys and tutorials). Nothing helped. In fact, all the accumulating knowledge only served to make me feel worse. For it to finally happen, at the age of 25, I had to strip everything back and take my sex drive fully offline for the first time. There's a scene in Eve Ensler's legendary play The Vagina Monologues when the audience hears from a woman who didn't have an orgasm until she was 72. "When she finally found her clitoris, she said she cried," the introduction goes. I remember hearing those words at the age of 18 and feeling a fluttering sense of recognition. Then came the chaser: dear god, please let me have one before I'm a septuagenarian. SEE ALSO: Is AI porn the next horizon in self-pleasure — and is it ethical? At that age, the inability to orgasm wasn't something that surprised me all that much. I'd read enough teen magazines, seen enough Sex and the City, to know all about the orgasm gap, and that 61 percent of men orgasm every time they have sex compared to 30 percent of women. Multiple studies have found that women are more likely to orgasm during masturbation than intercourse; a similarly consistent finding is that 10 percent of women never orgasm, no matter the circumstances. Yet as I moved through my twenties and failed to rectify the problem, I realised the friends I'd once bonded over this experience with weren't struggling anymore. I felt like an anomaly. But as a forthright young feminist on the cusp between the Gen Z and millennial generations, I was also unofficially educated under the tutelage of sex education YouTubers like Shan Boodram, Laci Green, and Hannah Witton. They taught me about the importance of people with vulvas knowing their bodies and having the confidence to tell sexual partners if they weren't getting them off. I spread their message far and wide. Female pleasure was so my brand that a close male friend once gave me a T-shirt with the words "The Future is Female (Ejaculation)" as a Secret Santa gift. I laughed, then went to the bathroom and cried, so deeply full of shame at the disconnect between my public confidence and inward inadequacy. Theoretically speaking, I knew just about everything there was to know about the orgasm…apart from how to have one myself. Very few people, beyond a handful of friends and former partners, knew about my struggle with anorgasmia (where people struggle to climax even with the application of sexual stimulation). I was scared of speaking the words "I can't come" into reality, or of feeling like even more of a failure if they checked in on my progress in the future and I had to tell them that no, I still couldn't. Theoretically speaking, I knew just about everything there was to know about the orgasm…apart from how to have one myself. As Emily Nagoski writes in her bestselling book Come As You Are, so much of the female orgasm is in the mind. Nagoski theorises that female sexual pleasure has dual controls — an accelerator to turn you on and a brake to turn you off — and that balance is needed to achieve orgasm. But my brake was hyper-sensitive thanks to all that fear and panic and shame, making it near impossible for me to actually have one. (Of course, that's an easy observation to make three years on the other side.) Sex toys felt like a good starting point (god forbid I actually touch myself!), and my limited student budget meant I wanted a vibrator that gave a good bang for my buck, so to speak. I'd spend hours trawling through positive customer reviews for phrases like "can't come" or "never usually orgasm," hoping the same would happen for me if I purchased a clitoral stimulator or CBD lube. When it didn't, I felt more frustrated than ever. What I was searching for was a sense of recognition — an "oh, I'm not alone in this" feeling that my friends, while empathetic, understandably couldn't provide. (Yet whenever I now mention to friends that I didn't have an orgasm until I was 25, similar stories are divulged.) So I looked further afield, scouring message board threads and online articles for narratives from people who'd not been able to come either. The snatched moments of understanding made me feel less alone, albeit not necessarily always better. The next approach was more unconventional. Two friends bought me a subscription to OMGYes, the adult sex education website dedicated to facilitating female pleasure. Initially, I was embarrassed that it had come to this, but I gave it a go. A membership provided access to a library of practical (and extremely NSFW) tutorials on different masturbation techniques. I tried to follow along, but lacked perseverance and was quick to abandon the mission when things didn't happen immediately. At every stage, my attempts to orgasm were hindered by these deeply rooted feelings of shame and inadequacy, and a fear of feeling like even more of a failure should I try and not succeed. I knew I was missing out on an integral part of the human experience, but once the terrifying words "you're going to be on your deathbed never having had an orgasm" enter the mind, they're hard to shake. In order to halt this nihilistic spiral, I stopped trying altogether. It wasn't all bad. The sex, with both long-term and casual partners, was often even pleasurable. Sometimes I faked orgasms, sometimes I didn't bother — the former usually when I didn't want to explain myself and give them an excuse not to try. So the problem bubbled away beneath the surface, rectifying it as simply not a priority. As with much of life, the arrival of COVID-19 changed things. I remember turning 25 and looking down the barrel of a new year and a third lockdown in the UK. I'm officially in my mid-twenties, I thought. If not now, when? Those interconnected feelings of embarrassment and failure were clearly holding me back. If I was going to figure out how to orgasm, that would only be achieved by removing expectation; expectation that, I realised, was coming directly from the internet aids I'd sought out for help. I needed to strip away the technological trappings and do the one very simple thing I'd been so scared to do: touch myself, and do it consistently. I set myself a challenge. Every day, I would put my phone on the other side of the room and masturbate without sex toys. The experience felt utterly alien at first; at some point, it crossed my mind that sexual partners had touched my genitals far more than I ever had. Once I acclimatised to the sensation of taking my time and not trying to speed up the process with a buzzing pink lump of plastic, it felt good. Things started happening, although not the earth-shattering fireworks that society had led me to expect. I didn't think these faint flutters were orgasms, and briefly returned to the message boards to see if others had experienced anything similar. Nobody described my exact feelings, but I kept at it. It was a conversation with a close friend, a doctor, that made the most marked difference. I told her about my current state, where I wasn't sure whether I was experiencing an orgasm or not. "You know if you want that to count, it counts," she told me. For the first time, someone was saying that I was on the right path, and not crashing into a wall. Without being dramatic (although said friend still laughs about how I credit her with my first orgasm), those words triggered a switch in my brain. As soon as I stopped feeling like I was foolish for even attempting to fight what I'd always perceived to be a losing battle, orgasms — proper ones, I was sure — came. I didn't cry or rush to text the friends greatly invested in my journey. Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled, but it felt like a wholly personal achievement, and one I wanted to sit in for a while. SEE ALSO: What is a ruined orgasm? Mostly, the feeling was one of relief, the lifting of a huge weight from my chest and the dissipation of so much secret shame. I remember thinking that if I never had an orgasm again, I would be happy. Given how easy I was now finding it once that bridge was crossed, though, I was pretty sure that wasn't going to be the case. It would be a while until I was able to orgasm with other people, but even before I did, my partnered sex life improved dramatically. I didn't feel like I was lacking anymore. I remember thinking that if I never had an orgasm again, I would be happy. If there's one thing I now know, it's that you can't intellectualise, let alone buy, an orgasm. Sure, products and internet resources may help, and in those most isolating moments, it was undoubtedly useful to see my experience reflected back in others. But over time, I found the accumulation of all this knowledge only added to my feelings of failure. I had to remove it all from my mind and do the thing I was most scared to — confront my own body — to make it happen. Given all that, I'm aware of the irony of writing my own "how I finally had an orgasm" narrative. But I know a story like mine, as long as it wasn't dwelled on too long or used as a point of comparison, would have helped my younger self. It's why I keep far less personal aspects of my life out of my work, yet have always known I wanted to write about this experience someday. There are so few narratives about a total inability to orgasm out there. If you're reading this now and see something of yourself in my story, I hope it can provide some. It can happen for you — I truly believe that — whether you're 25 or 72. You'll get there.
Malay Mail
a day ago
- Health
- Malay Mail
Selangor cops probe PSM Youth's queer sexual health workshop after minister's complaint, 21 reports lodged nationwide
SHAH ALAM, May 31 — Selangor police said today they are investigating a queer-focused sexual health workshop, following a complaint raised by Religious Affairs Minister Datuk Dr Mohd Na'im Mokhtar recently. Bernama cited Selangor police chief Datuk Hussein Omar Khan saying 21 police reports have been lodged at 11 district police headquarters opposing the closed-door event hosted by the Socialist Party of Malaysia's (PSM) youth wing. 'Investigations are being conducted under Section 298A of the Penal Code and Section 233 of the Communications and Multimedia Act 1998 by the Classified Crime Investigation Unit (USJT) of the Criminal Investigation Department (JSJ) Bukit Aman,' he said in a statement here. Section 298A covers the offence of 'causing disharmony, disunity, or feelings of enmity, hatred or ill-will, or prejudicing the maintenance of harmony or unity, on grounds of religion'. Meanwhile, Section 233 handles 'improper use of network facilities or network service'. Hussein also reminded the public and any individuals not to participate in the programme, claiming it offends the public's sensitivities and that Malaysia does not support the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community's 'practices'. He also said that any party that remains adamant can be subjected to strict action through legal provisions such as Section 298A of the Penal Code, Section 505(c) of the Penal Code, and Section 233 of the Communications and Multimedia Act 1998. 'The police will continue to monitor this development and take appropriate action to ensure public order and to comply with the country's laws,' he added. Earlier, Socialist Youth said it was forced to postpone the 'PRIDECARE: Queer Stories and Sexual Health Awareness' event indefinitely after a surge in hateful comments and death threats following remarks by Mohd Na'im. It linked the spike in online hostility to the minister's recent statements about its queer-focused sexual health workshop, which it described as a small, lawful, and educational initiative focused on delivering accurate, stigma-free information. Earlier this week, Mohd Na'im had urged the authorities, including the police, to immediately investigate the programme and take appropriate action should there be any breach of the law. He claimed the workshop 'clearly challenges societal norms and religious values upheld by the majority of Malaysians', even when held behind closed doors.
The Sun
2 days ago
- Health
- The Sun
My girlfriend had sex with a man who loves S&M & now she wants me to treat her like dirt and call her a s**t during sex
1 DEAR DEIDRE: MY on-off girlfriend and I recently got back together and everything was going brilliantly until she started to ask me to belittle her during sex. We'd had a good sex life before, nothing wild, but it was far from boring. Still, her request completely threw me - mostly because it's an unwelcome reminder of her x-rated antics while we were apart. I know she had a couple of flings but there was one guy who she was with for a couple of months and he was into everything - sex parties, S&M, the lot. My girlfriend told me she doesn't have feelings for him but has admitted they had "a lot of fun in the bedroom together". So now when she asks me to call her derogatory names - all I can think is that she is imagining this other bloke. It's killing me. The other problem is that she now says she can't get sexually excited unless I call her names, or role play being her pimp, but the whole thing is a complete turn-off for me. She literally begs me to call her worthless or a filthy sl*t. She wants me to dominate completely in the bedroom. The last time we had sex, I felt so uncomfortable but managed to call her 'dirty'. Afterwards she told me it wasn't enough. She complains I'm not convincing enough, and I hated every second of it. I love her, so why on earth would I want to treat her like dirt? But what does our long term relationship look like if I can't give her what she wants sexually? I'm worried she thinks I'm boring and unadventurous and that she may even be re-thinking getting back together with me. DEIDRE SAYS: Your girlfriend has developed a kink after being introduced to being belittled in the bedroom by another partner. Half-heartedly going along with her new demands, in the hope the issue will somehow miraculously resolve itself, is unrealistic. Talk to your girlfriend and let her know why this new development makes you feel so uncomfortable. Dear Deidre: Understanding why your man's gone off sex Explore if there is a compromise to be had while making sure you are outlining your boundaries. But also know there is nothing boring about caring for your girlfriend. You have your preferences and have every right to own them with pride. Nobody - male or female - should ever do anything that makes them uncomfortable just to keep their partner happy. You have a right to refuse to degrade her, and if she loves you she will accept your decision. If she doesn't, it suggests she cares more about her own sexual thrills than your feelings. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help. Perhaps you could experiment with other sexual activities which are kinky but not degrading. If you can't find a compromise or other ways to enjoy your sexual connection, I'm sorry but you may have to accept that she is not the girl for you. My support pack Kinky Sex Worries explains more. Dear Deidre's Kinky Sex Files Deidre's mailbag is stashed full with kinky dilemmas. One reader started questioning everything after learning about her husband's disturbing kink; a different subscriber wrote in because his wife blamed his sexual kinks for her affair, while one man struggled to communicate his discomfort about his wife's extreme fantasies. The Kinky Truth No form of sharing physical pleasure and satisfaction is wrong between a loving couple, as long as both are participating willingly and with genuine enjoyment, and as long as neither of you is being hurt, either physically or emotionally. If something is sexually off putting for one partner but a turn on for another, it won't help to tag it as dirty or perverted. What one of us finds erotic, another finds degrading. What one thinks of as stimulating and erotic, another rejects as pornographic and disgusting. It helps enormously when trying to sort out this kind of issue as a couple not to start taking moral standpoints and judging one another, but to see it as a practical problem you need to negotiate your way around. What actually matters here is that you don't want to do it. If you'd only do it under pressure, then it cannot be fun or pleasurable for you. That's not to say it isn't worth trying some new things that might be pushing the boundaries for you. If the rest of your relationship is a strong one then you may surprise yourself and find you are wonderfully turned on by the very thing you have never dared try. At the least, even if you don't enjoy everything you try, you may find you and your partner can now enjoy enough variation to take the heat out of the conflict. In fact, serious conflicts over sex usually come down to a problem in the relationship generally. If you are with a partner who really loves you, they aren't going to want to upset you by pressing for out-of-the ordinary sex that you find distasteful or worrying. If this is causing a great deal of conflict between you, it's well worth while making an appointment to see a counsellor to find out what is really at issue and how it can be resolved. By Sally Land, The Sun's Agony Aunt. Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors. Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women's issues and general features. Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week. Sally took over as The Sun's Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago. The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes: Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books. Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies. Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues. Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and confidential form and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you. You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page or email us at: deardeidre@
CNA
3 days ago
- General
- CNA
Malaysia minister seeks police probe on upcoming LGBTQ event, says it ‘violates moral values'
KUALA LUMPUR: Malaysia's Religious Affairs Minister has called for a police probe on a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer (LGBTQ)-themed event planned for next month, reiterating the government's stance against efforts to normalise what he called 'deviant' lifestyles. The event, called 'Pride Care: Queer Stories and Sexual Health Awareness', is organised by the youth wing of the Socialist Party of Malaysia – or Parti Sosialis Malaysia – and scheduled to take place in Petaling Jaya on Jun 21. Minister Mohd Na'im Mokhtar on Wednesday (May 28) urged the authorities, including the Royal Malaysia Police, to investigate and take action should there be any breach of the law, national news agency Bernama reported. In a statement on Facebook, Na'im called on the organisers to immediately cease all activities that 'violate the law and moral values of society'. 'The organisation of such programmes, even if held behind closed doors, clearly challenges societal norms and religious values upheld by the majority of Malaysians,' he said. Parti Sosialis Malaysia's youth wing had posted on Monday on social media platform X that it would be hosting its 'very first queer-centred event' on Jun 21. The party was registered in 2008 and member Michael Jeyakumar Devaraj held a parliamentary seat from 2008 to 2018 under the Parti Keadilan Rakyat's banner. But Parti Sosialis Malaysia suffered defeat in the 2018 general election when it ran under its own banner. 'A 'by queers, for queers' initiative that shines a spotlight on the shared reality of living as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community in this country,' the youth wing wrote. It said the event would feature a forum and a presentation on sexual health awareness, and the venue would be disclosed five days in advance. In the wake of the post, some netizens urged the authorities to take action. Minister Na'im said Malaysia's Islamic development department (JAKIM) and state religious departments are ready to enforce regulations, especially if the event involves Muslim participants. 'At the same time, I call on all parties to help defend our society's social and moral structure from any elements that could undermine our faith, ethics and national harmony,' he said in his statement. MALAYSIA'S CLAMPDOWN ON PRIDE CULTURE This is not the first time controversy has erupted over LGBTQ-related matters in the country. In May 2023, the Home Affairs Ministry seized 172 Swatch rainbow watches from 11 shopping malls across the country for allegedly promoting LGBTQ values. The Swiss watchmaker filed, and won, a lawsuit against the government. Last November, Kuala Lumpur High Court judge Amarjeet Singh Serjit Singh said the Home Ministry's raid of Swatch stores and seizure of its watches were illegal as they were made without a warrant. He ordered that the seized watches be returned. In 2023, Malaysia also halted a music festival in Kuala Lumpur after the frontman of British pop rock band The 1975 kissed a male bandmate onstage and criticised the country's anti-LGBTQ laws. On Wednesday, Na'im said the government remains committed to upholding the Islamic principles in national governance to protect religion, morality and human dignity. 'Deviant cultures will never be accepted as the norm in Malaysia,' he said.
The Sun
4 days ago
- Entertainment
- The Sun
Virgin Island star reveals if he's had sex since the show and what happened after cameras stopped rolling
FOR Virgin Island star Ben Harris, a two-week stint in Croatia to learn about sex with intimacy experts has been life-changing - but not for the reason you might expect. The 31-year-old took part in the popular Channel 4 show last year having struggled to go "all the way" with previous partners. 2 2 He bravely opened up about his sex life - or lack, thereof - on camera in a bid to 'embrace his sexual energy' and help him lose his virginity. But within a week of arriving back in the UK, parliamentary researcher Ben faced another challenge when then Prime Minister Rishi Sunak announced a general election. Despite hitting the ground running campaigning for Michael Fabricant MP, Ben became unemployed when the Conservative lost his seat on July 4. It meant that not only did Ben lose his job, but he also lost his newly acquired sex drive as he was forced to put his career first. Speaking to The Sun about his experience, Ben reveals he is still a virgin - but now has the tools he needed to have sex for the first time. "It wasn't like I was going there to lose my virginity," says Ben, who has a newfound confidence since filming Virgin Island. "But it's changed how I feel about being a virgin. I'm not proud so to speak, but I'm no longer ashamed of it in the same way I was. "Now I feel I have the tools that I didn't have before and the confidence and the mindset to do it now when I meet the right person." Ben took a couple of weeks off from his job in the House of Commons after telling boss Michael about Virgin Island last May. Michael followed in Ben's footsteps by going into television when he starred in this year's Celebrity Big Brother. Although he has not lost his virgin status, Ben has been speed-dating with his TV co-star Viraj and has been on several dates with three women over the past year. Ben added: "I really enjoyed working with the Virgin Island therapists. They made me look at myself in a different mindset. "I'm actually not ugly. I mean, I'm not a 10 out of 10, but I'm also not a two out of 10 like what I thought I was. "And while I have faced more rejection since, I am now able to process these setbacks in a much healthier and more positive way." Stream Virgin Island on Channel 4 now.
