Marriage, and space for women saying No

Hindustan Times

a day ago

A conniving wife (allegedly). Splashy wedding videos (visibly). Picturesque honeymoon (unarguably). And then, the plot twist, murder. The exclamation marks just insert themselves.
There is no escaping this 'Honeymoon Hathyakaand' in the mainstream press, TV news and social media. So much of what is being recorded is speculation with a large side of moralising — women are going too far, laws 'favouring' women must be repealed and, even, take the family along on your honeymoon.
The police investigation into the death of 30-year-old Raja Raghuvanshi whose body was found in Sohra, the former and famous Cherrapunji, on June 2 is underway. Married on May 11, his 25-year-old wife Sonam has been arrested with four other men, including one said to be her boyfriend, allegedly for a hit job on the new husband.
Tucked away behind the screaming headlines is a story of love, longing, and marriage in modern India.
It's a story where marriage remains central to our lives. Even as daughters are being educated, the families consider it their foremost duty to see them properly married. And that means marrying in conformity with caste endogamy and family preferences. A 2018 survey found 93% of Indians chose arranged marriages against just 3% who marry for love. If you slice the data in terms of age, then amongst over-80s, 94% had arranged marriages; amongst those in their 20s, it was 90%. In other words, over two generations, young Indians are still marrying the way their grandparents did.
Sonam's choice of a partner, reportedly, was a man not just three years younger but of a different, lower caste. To marry him would amount to dishonouring her family and the clan. Moreover, we are told that he was an employee in her father's business establishment and so, there was a class difference too.
Four months ago, Sonam met Raja in an arranged marriage set up where details such as caste, class, and income come with a family-vetted stamp. Couples, invariably referred to as the boy and girl rather than the adults they actually are, are given the fig leaf of choice through a personal meeting.
Why on earth did Sonam agree? We know very little of what was going on inside her head. And, most emphatically, nothing justifies the taking of an innocent life. Social circumstances cannot justify a choice between killing and saying no.
But in a country that in 2021 reported 33 murders in the name of 'honour', many women don't have the freedom to say No — No to a man picked by their fathers, No to walking out of unhappy marriages, and No to marriage itself.
Ask why this crime is receiving the sort of coverage it is, and the answer is evident. When 140 women and girls globally are murdered every day by their intimate partners, it is not news. It's just another day in the life of a world where gender-based violence is normalised. But when the gender roles are reversed, you have an aberration and the patriarchy responds by asking: Are women going too far?
With the investigation far from over, the mob is already baying for Sonam's head — and this includes her brother who has declared her '100% guilty'. 'I will make sure she is punished,' he is reported to have told Raja's family. It shouldn't come as a surprise that the men in Sonam's life would want to continue controlling it.
Namita Bhandare writes on gender. The views expressed are personal.