Parents Furious After Grandma Cut Their Daughter's 'Long, Curly Hair' Without Consent
The grandparents privileges vs. rights dynamic is a tricky one. We appreciate and respect the role they play in the "village" that raises our kids–but how far is too far? Are there separate bedtime and eating rules between home and Grammie's house? Does Pop-Pop have a right to decide how much TV his grandson can watch while visiting? And what about grooming decisions?
One dad on Reddit is still reeling from a recent confrontation he had with his own mother, after she decided to cut her granddaughter's hair without her parents' permission.
The dad, who posts under the handle u/TinyPixiex hopped into the AITAH (Am I The A**Hole) subreddit to share his story. He starts the thread by sharing that his 6-year-old daughter Lily, "has long, curly hair that she absolutely adores. Taking care of it is a bonding activity for her and the wife, they do hair masks, try out different braids, and Lily loves showing off her princess curls."
He writes that his mom, who he refers to as "Karen", offered to babysit Lily so he and his wife could have a date night. But when they returned, they were furious to see Lily's hair had been cut short into a chin-length bob.
"My mom proudly said she fixed it, claiming it was too unruly and that Lily would look more mature this way," dad writes.
He goes on to describe how Lily, devastated by her haircut, cried for hours afterwards and said she was worried she'd "look like a boy." After telling "Karen" she had no right to make that decision, dad said he no longer trusted her to watch Lily unsupervised.
"Karen was livid, accusing me of overreacting and punishing her over a haircut," dad writes. "She insists she was just trying to help and says I'm being disrespectful by taking her grandparent rights away."
He ends the post by sharing his sister thinks he's being too harsh–but he feels like boundaries were crossed.
The Reddit thread has received a wave of comments (over 1.5K currently) almost unanimously in support of the decision to at least suspend "Karen's" unsupervised time with Lily. Most point to the fact that cutting hair without consent feels like a violation, and a more serious offense than forcing a child to wear clothes they don't want to wear for instance.
"Oh hell no. I would straight up go no contact with anyone who violated my child's rights/autonomy that way," writes one commenter. "Ffs it was only a couple hours! She HAD to have already planned to do that. Huge hugs to Lily I'm so sorry!!!"
"NTA - Your mom should know better. You NEVER cut a child's hair or make a change to their appearance without parental approval," writes another.
Someone else comes in hot with, "She has NO grandparent rights. Hold fast to your decision. If your sister gets up your colon again, offer to cut HER hair. If she refuses tell her she's not being fair. I'm betting your sister was in on this with your mom."
Other commenters suggest the language "Karen" uses when describing Lily's hair might point to some cultural insensitivity, and at the very least, carelessness.
The OP dad does respond by providing the info that his wife is a POC (person of color) and his mom is white–though he says he isn't sure if that has anything to do with "Karen's" decision, since she hasn't shown any previous bias towards his wife.
It goes without saying that this is a pretty big line-stepping by the grandmother in this instance. Even in a scenario where she felt comfortable enough to suggest cutting her granddaughter's hair, it's still surprising that she actually did it on her own.
Unfortunately, the lasting impact is on Lily, with how much she loved her hair and loved bonding with her mom around her hair. That, to me, is the extra layer of violation here. The relationship between mother and daughter was breached–particularly involving an area of great importance and sensitivity for women of color: their hair.
Would I go as far as cutting off grandma's access after this? I don't know. But I would definitely have some hard conversations moving forward about how she views my child and her own role as a grandparent.
Relationships are important, and they can have many lines of connection. But once you cut certain lines, carelessly or otherwise, it's really hard to get them back. The hope is the repair work will be done more delicately.
Read the original article on Parents
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