Afraid To Retire? How To Approach Later Life Differently
If thinking about retiring worries you or makes you nervous–you're not alone. In a recent survey, 61% of the respondents said they feared retirement more than death!
And while many of the respondents cited financial concerns as a major reason for their fear, many had social and personal reasons, as well:
And I suspect these kinds of concerns might actually be more prevalent than the survey showed, because talking about financial concerns is easier than talking about emotional difficulties. That is, for many people, it's less uncomfortable to say 'I'm worried about having enough money in retirement' than it is to say, 'I'm worried about losing my social connections and my identity.'
When I was interviewing people in their 60s. 70s and 80s for my latest book, The New Old, one very brave and honest interviewee told me this had been his biggest fear about leaving his job as a senior executive. He said, 'I was embarrassed to feel this, but it was true. My identity was so wrapped up in my career, that I simply couldn't imagine who I would be if I was no longer doing that work. It took me awhile to figure out.'
I think this is at least partly true for most of us who have had responsible, demanding jobs–especially when those jobs have been very meaningful to us. I found myself in this situation in my late 60s, when I realized that I wanted to start stepping back from Proteus International, the company I had created and run for over 30 years. It made me very anxious, and so I decided to use an approach for facing and overcoming fears that had served me in good stead for many years:
As soon as I noticed my anxiety, I made the effort to name my fear (step 1). And what I saw after some self-reflection was that I didn't know who I would be if I wasn't working many hours a week as 'the founder and CEO of Proteus.' I had spent decades with that as a big and important (to me) part of my identity–and the idea of not having that was scary.
I asked myself what was the worst thing that could happen to me in this situation (step 2), and I realized that it was the possibility of not having a clear sense of identity and not having impact or influence, that is, not making any positive difference in the world.
I then thought about how I could make that outcome less likely, and I understood that I needed to clarify what I wanted my post-work identity to be (step 3).
I started by summarizing my curiosity about my later-life identity into a simple question. That question was, 'How can I become what comes after the butterfly?' Here's how I came to that: up to that point, I had been thinking of my life as being like the evolution of a caterpillar to a butterfly. I saw my childhood and youth as the caterpillar stage, and it seemed to me that the deeply self-reflective time I spent in a spiritual community in my twenties was 'being in the cocoon.' I saw being the mother of my children and founder and CEO of my company as my butterfly stage.
However, unlike an actual butterfly, I was now seeing that stage wasn't the end for me: I had to discover and build my next stage of evolution. Creating that curious question–'How can I become what comes after the butterfly? –helped me move past my fear into finding answers to that question that resonated for me and making plans to help ensure I moved in that direction (step 4).
Then, I began taking action to move toward that new post-butterfly identity, (part of which, for me, was writing The New Old.)
So, I encourage you to feel and name your fears about retiring, and then let yourself acknowledge the worst things that could happen if those fears came true. Allow yourself to see and name even the deep, difficult things like, 'I could feel useless," or "People might see me as being less valuable.'
Once you've let yourself see and feel those fears and have said to yourself as honestly as possible what they are (step 1), you can get clear about the worst that could happen relative to them (step 2). Then, you can move through those fears by deciding how to make them less likely or less negative (step 3). Finally, you can plan to do that and take action to implement your plans (step 4).
Once you've seen what you're most afraid of in changing your relationship to work, and are doing what you need to do to move through and past those fears, you might be surprised. Many of the folks I interviewed for The New Old have found a new sense of joy and meaning in the later lives they're creating for themselves. Some are building knowledge or skills that always interested them, but that they never had the time to pursue previously. Some are building 'portfolio" lives consisting of some of the work they've done before and most enjoyed - as consultants or in a volunteer capacity - and other work they've decided to explore. Still others are devoting their time to pure play: travel, sports, time with friends and family.
And I have to say, I'm having a marvelous time in my 70s; I feel like I have the time and bandwidth to discover and explore new things every day, and to continue to support my business in the ways my partners (who are now running it) find most helpful. As a friend of mine said, when I shared this with her, 'Yes. Purpose doesn't retire.'
I hope you've found this helpful–and I'd love to hear what you're finding and doing as you explore your own third act….
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