This is how we do it: ‘I was twice her age, married and her boss. I questioned whether I was a bad person'

The Guardian

2 days ago

We don't call ourselves a couple. We value our own and each other's freedom
Ava and I grew close when I was her boss, and still with my ex-wife. I'm twice her age, and worried how that would appear. What if people confused us for father and daughter? I questioned whether I was a bad person. My daughter, who is four years younger than Ava, was disgusted at first, calling me a pervert, and my ex-wife was also understandably furious. They felt as though they had never truly known me. I feared I may have severed those relationships for ever, but I knew that, with Ava, I had the chance to be incredibly happy.
It was months before we had sex. The first time we were intimate, we kept our clothes on. It was an intense experience. I remember her scent and how soft her skin was. I hadn't been able to get an erection for a few years, which led to the death of my sex life with my wife, and I assumed that was it for me. With Ava, I've rediscovered pleasure. Not only sexually, but also the pleasure of being together.
In sex, we have dominant-submissive roles. We both believe in female empowerment and equality, and we talk about that conflict, but the two can coexist. Ava likes to be spanked, which excites me. I also find her freedom a turn-on, so sometimes we roleplay scenarios where she's been unfaithful and I'm punishing her. I like the idea of her being with other people, but it makes me jealous.
We don't call ourselves a couple. We value our own and each other's freedom, and don't want a conventional future where we fall victim to the mundanity of daily routine. Although we work together, we have decided we will never live together. I've found that cohabiting causes the desire to know everything about someone to fall away, and I always want to feel a deep interest in Ava.
To me, intimacy is the time we afford each other. I feel most connected to Ava at the end of the day when I massage her feet and we talk about things that interest us. Sometimes I wake up during the night and we're holding hands, so I start the day feeling loved, like I've been replenished overnight.
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We want to explore other ways to have sex and not stay as the lovers that we are now
There's tension between what I enjoy sexually and my feminist values. I've always taken on the submissive role, but recently I've been questioning how much of this is my desire and how much has been prescribed by the patriarchy. I ask myself: do I actually like this, or have I been taught to like it? Often, I can't tell the difference. Why do I want to be submissive?
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For example, Benji used to grab my hair during sex, but after questioning it, I've asked him to stop. I listen to feminist podcasts and read feminist literature, and we communicate a lot about it. We want to challenge, test, learn and develop our relationship in a way that feels progressive. We want to explore other ways to have sex and not stay as the lovers that we are now.
At the start, I wasn't attracted to Benji – there were no romantic or sexual feelings, but I felt this strong pull towards him that I couldn't understand. I cared about him and his opinion. He was an important person in my professional and personal life. We had lots of things in common. Then, when he told me his feelings, that the smell of my perfume made him crazy, it opened up another dimension. Our relationship developed.
The first time Benji stayed at my place, we didn't sleep at all. We stayed up all night caressing each other through our clothes and looking up at the full moon. It was special. And it was still exciting teasing and building the sexual tension between us with no penetration or orgasm.
Benji and I now run a business together, where we're the only employees, and sometimes we roleplay that he's the boss and I'm his secretary. We find that dynamic exciting. We have sex in the office, and use our workspace as part of the fantasy. Since we've been together, I feel free to be more myself, to wear the clothes I want, to say what I want. He speaks to my values of freedom and happiness.