This is how we do it: ‘In my 50s I want to be 'monogam-ish' – to have to have my cake and eat it'

The Guardian

2 days ago

There was some sexual frustration in our early years together, and that led us to discover that we were both ethically non-monogamous
Ever since I was young, I've looked up to strong men. I remember being really interested in my gym teacher when I was at school. So when I saw Gavin's profile on a dating site, I instantly liked the stats. He's athletic, pays attention to self-care, and right from the get go we found lots to talk about. It was an easy match.
We're both into kissing and we love passionate embraces, but at the beginning we weren't connecting very well physically. It took us time to really develop a strong chemistry in bed. And then one day it just clicked, and we've never looked back.
There was some sexual frustration in our early years together, and that led us to discover that we were both ethically non-monogamous. It all started when I told him that one of his ex-partners made me a little bit horny. I was apprehensive to tell him because it's a sensitive topic. But Gavin was receptive. He said, 'Well, maybe one day we could explore bringing in other people.'
It took time to build a relationship before we were willing to entertain going elsewhere, but it was a natural progression. It changed the dynamic for the better and brought us closer.
We call it a 'monogam-ish' relationship. We got here by mutual trust and respect – the idea that we're sexual beings and our relationship shouldn't stop us from exercising those tendencies from time to time.
Gavin's retired so he has opportunities to meet people online and host them during the day, which I can't because I'm working. That's happened a couple of times and I've felt a little bit uneasy about it – I was worried about his safety more than anything. But on the flip side, he's mentioned that the pool starts to shrink the older you get. So if there's an opportunity, he believes it's fleeting and has to take it.
Though being engaged sexually with Gavin is paramount to me, we're not daily sex people – we do it about once a week. Most evenings we tidy up in the kitchen, go to bed and live like an old married couple.
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Jimmy was very much in favour of trying to meet a third person, with the understanding that if one of us was uncomfortable, that would be the end of it
Despite our age difference, we're both very sexually active – it's continued to thrive and grow through our 11 years together. I was more conscious of the generational difference than Jimmy, and we took it very slowly, not wanting to rush into anything. Jimmy had always dated older guys, but this was new territory for me.
We have a very open attitude to sex, and in about our third year we set up a joint dating profile and began introducing other people into our experience. It was my idea, but Jimmy was very much in favour of trying to meet a third person, with the understanding that if one of us was uncomfortable, that would be the end of it. It took a lot of conversations about what the expectations were and it was a new experience for both of us.
When you hit your 50s, you realise what you really want out of life. For me that was to be happy, to have freedom, to have a loving partner but to not feel restricted. To have my cake and eat it.
As I'm older than Jimmy, I'm not quite as interested in sex. I don't feel any guilt about that, because if he wanted to have sex with someone else, he could do that. It brings us closer together as we find it exciting to hear about each other's fun times outside our relationship. Obviously there are people who Jimmy finds attractive and I don't, and vice versa. He is a very attractive young man and when we're out you can see people flirt with him. It's fun to watch and makes me appreciate him and all he has to offer.
We have an active sex life together but I think having sex with outsiders is a realistic expectation of a 20-year age gap. When a person gets older they don't give up on sex, but a younger person definitely has a higher drive, so to have this freedom keeps it interesting for both of us. It keeps things sexy.