After leaving the Navy, I was doing cocaine, popping pills, and drinking over a fifth of vodka a day. Then, I had a 'death experience' that changed everything.

Business Insider

10-05-2025

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Shawn Ryan, a former Navy SEAL and CIA contractor, and host of the "Shawn Ryan Show." It's been edited for length and clarity. Ryan is not a medical professional. Psilocybin is illegal in the US federally and in most states. There is no medical consensus about whether it has benefits, including those described below, and the drug comes with risks.
When I left the Navy, I wasn't ready for what came next.
I had been a SEAL for five and a half years. After that, I worked as a contractor with the CIA. The tempo stayed high. I did 60 days on, 60 days off, sometimes 45 and 45. I was still running hard, living in fight-or-flight mode. When that ended, I crashed—hard​.
I didn't know how to slow down. I wasn't used to dealing with normal life. All I knew was intensity. I needed that adrenaline hit every day — and when I couldn't get it from missions anymore, I found other ways.
I got into sleeping pills. Ambien, Valium, Xanax, Lorazepam — you name it, I was taking it. On top of that, I was using opiates like hydrocodone and tramadol. Eventually, I moved out of the country and started living in Medellín, Colombia. That's where I got really into cocaine​.
I would go into the worst neighborhoods I could find to score. I didn't want it easy, I wanted the risk, to feel something. When that got boring, I'd go to another country and do it again.
At my lowest point, I was drinking two fifths of vodka a day. I'd wake up with mini bottles stashed all around the house — under pillows, in drawers, in the car, in my coat pockets. After dinner, I'd go to the freezer, pull out a bottle, and that's how I'd wash down my sleep meds. Except by the end, they didn't even put me to sleep anymore​.
In the morning, I'd take a stimulant — Adderall or something else — to start the cycle again. That was my life. It went on for years​.
The 'death experience' that changed my life
Eventually, I hit a point where I knew I couldn't keep going. A friend told me about psychedelic therapy, and I decided to try it.
The first was Ibogaine. It's a 12-hour experience. I basically watched my entire life play out from a different perspective. Every memory, every trauma — it's all there.
After the Ibogaine effects wore off, I did another psychedelic called 5-MeO-DMT, sometimes called the "God molecule." The trip is described as an ego death, or death experience.
It was the most intense, intuitive thing I've ever felt. I came out of it seeing the world differently.
I could feel energy flowing from the ocean, onto the shore, through the trees. For the first time in my life, I realized everything is connected. Everything is one. That hit me in a way nothing else ever had​.
When I came back from that psychedelic experience, I didn't need the pills anymore. I didn't need the vodka. I quit everything.
I've been sober for two and a half years. I quit smoking cannabis. I stopped using stimulants. And for the first time in a long time, I was fully present with my family​.
That experience changed everything. It gave me a second chance.
That's why I started talking about this publicly on my podcast, the "Shawn Ryan Show." I wanted other veterans — other guys like me — to know there's a way out.
A lot of them have been through the same thing — addiction, trauma, broken families, suicidal thoughts. When they hear that someone else made it through, they start to believe that maybe they can too.
So many of us come back broken. We lose ourselves. We spiral. But healing is possible. Recovery is possible.
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This story was adapted from Ryan's interview Authorized Account." Learn more about his life before and after the Navy SEALs in the video below: